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josh:     billing-s 

Lecturing  on  the  Probabilities  of  Life. 


OLD 
PROBABILITY 

Perhaps  Rain — Perhaps  Not. 
by 

"Josh  Billings." fd^*. 

WITH  250  COMIC  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


NEW  YORK : 

G.  IV.  Carleton  &  Co.;  Publishers, 

London:    S.  Low  &  Co. 
MDCCCLXXIX. 


Ivntertd*;,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1879,  by 

•  •••••  «       *     «     * '  *,  G.  W.  CARLETON  &  CO., 

••♦  !    .'  '  *  *       %,    •  j 
IhntaB-CTffice  <5f  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


c)/  cA&i^  fycrr/c, 


A    REMARK. 


It   iz  better  to   kno   less,  than  to  hno   so 
mutch,   that   aint   so. 

\ 


SIGHNS  OV  THE  ZODIAK. 


The  undersighned  iz  an  Amerikan  brave,  in  hiz  grate 
tragick  akt  ov  being  attaked  bi  the  twelve  constella- 
shuns. — (May  the  best  man  win.) 


Head  and  Face.     «f 


Arms. 

n 


Heart. 
ft 

Reins. 


Thighs. 


Legs. 


Neck. 


Breast. 
Bowels. 

m 


Secrets. 


Knees. 
V3 


Feet.     X 

KEY  TEW  THE  ABUV  PERFORMANCE. 

Tew  kno  exackly  whare  the  sighn  iz,  multiply  the  da} 
ov  the  month  bi  the  sighn,  then  find  a  dividend  that  will 
go  into  a  divider  four  times  without  enny  remains,  sub- 
trakt  this  from  the  sighn,  add  the  fust  quoshunt  tew  the 
last  divider,  then  multiply  the  whole  ov  the  man's  boddy 
bi  all  the  sighns,  and  the  result  will  be  jist  what  yu  are 
looking  after. 


778965 


BILLINGS'  FAMILY  TIME  TABLE. 

Amazi  begot  Hezaki,  Hezaki  begot  Eldad,  Eldad 
begot  Behomath,  Behomath  begot  Zepheniah  (Zepheniah 
waz  a  conumdrum  maker,  sum  ov  which  hav  been  handed 
down),  Zepheniah  begot  Ezekiel,  Ezekiel  begot  Issacher 
{Issaker  waz  a  bad  speller,  which  haz  bin  handed  down 
too),  Issaker  begot  Nehemiah,  Nehemiah  begot  Methuseler, 
Methuseler  begot  Nabob  {Nabob  waz  a  snob),  Nabob 
begot  Jerrymiah,  and  Jerrymiah  begot  Absolum  Billings 
{who  is  admitted  bi  every  boddy  who  remembers  him  tew 
be  the  most  humblyest  looking  man  in  the  gth  Century). 
Absolum  begot  Josh,  and  so  they  kept  bizzy  begotting. 

After  the  Billings  family  once  struck  the  front  name, 
Josh,  they  clung  tew  it.  I  find,  over  6  hundred  ov  that 
name  extant,  besides  a  grate  menny  who  haz  bekum 
extanted. 

The  Billings  hav  bin  a  helthy  old  breed  az  fur  back  az 
i  have  dug  for  them,  which  they  owe  principally  tew  a 
milk  diet.  It  iz  sed  that  Behomath  Billings,  one  ov  our 
pristines,  could  drean  a  cow  perfektly  dry  at  one  sitting. 
If  this  iz  so,  it  helps  explain  the  great  amount  ov  milk  in 
the  Billings  natur. 

I  dont  find  enny  old  bachelors,  nor  old  maids,  amung 
our  ansesstors,  inkrease  and  multiply  haz  alwus  bin  the 
battle  cry  of  the  Billings. 


OPINIONS  OF  THE  PRESS 


AFTER  SEEING  THE  ADVANCE  SHEETS  OV 

m\\  I;  tiling^  Jprmm'  Mmira 


FOR  THE  YEAR  1870. 


"  We  seldum  notis  the  current  Amerikan  literature  ov  the  day, 
but  the  Billings  Allminax,  soon  tew  be  issued  by  Carleton,  is  a 
work  for  the  mothers  of  the  Amerikan  Union." — London  Times, 
June  6th,  1869. 


"  Josh  Billings'  Farmers'  Allminax  iz  az  phull  ov  gems  az  a  dia- 
mond neklace,  az  phull  of  knowledge  az  Webster's  Spellin  Book, 
and  az  phull  of  cooking  and  cures  az  a  parson's  wife." — London 
Atheneum,  May  31st,  1869. 


"  The  virtewous  thoughts  in  Josh's  Allminax  iz  gin  cocktails  for  the 
idle,  and  brandy  straights  for  the  viscious." — Atlantik  Semi- Monthly, 
May  3d,  1869. 


"  The  Billings'  Allminax  will  prove  a  rare  acquisition  tew  Amerikan 
literature ;  the  astronomikal  calculashuns  are  unique,  the  language 
elegant,  the  moral  perfekt,  the  sentiments  just,  and  the  whole -thing 
extremely  bully." — Boston  Ledger,  May  1st,  1869. 


"  In  theze  daze  of  tawdry  novels,  imbecile  poetry,  and  florid  his- 
torys,  it  iz  charming  tew  take  up  such  a  brilliant  thing  az  Josh 
Billings'  Farmers'  Allminax,  whare  philosophy  and  sentiment  frolik 
together,  and  whare  wit  sits  in  state,  with  one  arm  around  the  waist 
ov  morality." — Omaha  Patriot,  July  4/h,  1869. 


. 

• 

JANUARY  MONOGRAPH. 

This   month   waz   named   after   one   Janus,    a   sharp 
sighted  old  chap,  with  a  face  like  a  pikaxe,  so  that  he 
could  look  both  ways  at  once,  back  onto  the  old  year, 
and  forward  onto  the  new  one.     At  the  latter  part  ov  his 
life  he  died  of  a  thaw,  leaving  a  snug  little  property,  sum 
six  or  seven  hundred  dollars,  which  akordin  tew  one  ov 
the   bye-laws    ov   hiz   will,    waz    invested   in   tin   back 
thermometors,  and  distributed  amung  the  suffering  poor 
ov  his  native  village,  az  mementoze  ov  Janus. 

DOMESTIX  RECEIPTS. 

Tew  find  the  square  root  ov  a  hog's  noze,  turn  him 
into  a  gardin  patch. 

Tew  enjoy  a  good  reputashun,  giv  publickly,  and  steal 
privately. 

Tew  remove   grease  from  a  man's   karakter,  let  him 
strike  sum  sudden  ile. 

Tew   giv   oysters  an  extra  good  relish,   eat  them  at 
sumboddy  else's  expense. 

Tew  git  wrong  things  out  ov  yure  child's  head, — comb 
it  often. 

31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1870. 


t3  te= 
13  =4 


.9  ~. 

H 

rt   lj 

U3   ^3 


o* 


^  W/fo  bifarmin  would  git  ritch, 
Must  plough,  and  so,  and  dig,  and  sick, 
Work  hard  all  day,  sleep  hard  all  nite, 
Save  every  cent,  and  not  git  tite. 


&  S 


!  a 


I 

s 

2 

G 

3 

M 

4 

T 

5 

W 

6 

T 

7 

F 

8 

S 

9 

G 

IO 

M 

ii 

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12 

W 

*3 

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14 

F 

i5 

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16 

G 

17 

M 

18 

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19 

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20 

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21 

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22 

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23 

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24 

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25 

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26 

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27 

T 

28 

F 

29 

S 

30 

G 

31 

M 

Prognostix. 


n  Cold^tt  A   6 
Daniel  A  Lambert 
6  SbornO  6  1793 
high  ©  tides  $ 
%  perhaps  y&  ^ 

rain  Q  perhaps 
©  not  £p  Milky 
way  (9  fust  * 
discovered  f  1386  D 
Iff  Weather  O  & 
shifty?  £  laying 

5  ©  yure  ice  fgj 
cream  cow  <s*  ^ 
X  for  T  next  ^ 

§summer  # 
©  £  Sighns  ov  a  $ 
$  Q&haw 
it  duz  thaw^O  0  <f 
#  0  Gulliver 

^returns  £ 
from  his  TI£2{ 
\$travels#i7oog 

f  t?  now  harvest 
yure  6  snow2(  $ 
H  blusteringV$b\i\\X 
frogs  quietf^  $ 

fi  S^JohngBg 
Smith  A  born* 

©  X  i£i  for  the 
fust  timel^Ss^ 


INK  BRA  TS. 


When  a  rooster  crows,  he  crows 
all  over. 


A  nu  milk  Cow  is  stepmother 
tew  evry  mans  baby. 


Whenever  i  kan  find  a  real 
hansum  woman  engaged  in  the 
"wimmins  rights"  bizzness,  then 
i  am  going  tew  take  mi  hat  under 
mi  arm,  and  jine  the  procession. 


Debt  is  a  trap,  which  a  man 
sets,  and  baits  himself,  and  then 
deliberately  gets  into,  —  and 
ketches  a  kursid  phool. 


Angels   handle  the  dice  when 
doublets  are  thrown  in  the  cradle. 


FEBUARY  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month  haz  but  28  days,  the  extreme  kold  weather 
that  prevails  haz  puckered  up  the  month.  Once  in  four 
years  thare  iz  a  big  melt  and  then  the  month  swells,  and 
haz  29  days.  This  month  iz  looked  upon  az  unpleasant, 
and  it  iz  unpleasant  for  digging  out  woodchucks,  but  for 
setting  in  front  of  the  fire,  and  skinning  apples,  and 
snapping  the  seeds  at  the  galls,  it  kant  be  beat.  The 
name  ov  this  month  is  derived  from  an  old  Chinese  word 
(now  lost)  which  means  condem  kold. 


USEFUL  HINTS  TEW  BOARD  IN  HOUSE 
KEEPERS. 

In  buying  roast  beef,  dont  forgit,  that  roast  beef,  tew 
be  bully,  must  be  tuff. 


Be   kerful    how   yu    soke    yure    makrel,    too   mutch 
sokeing,  takes  the  wear  out  ov  them. 


In  selekting  a  yung  goose  for  yure  table,  dont  forgit 
tew  remember,  that  the  longer  a  goose  has  lived  in  this 
world,  the  more  experience  he  will  hav,  when  he  cums 
tew  be  chawed. 


Keep  a  cow,   and  then  the   milk   wont  hav   tew  be 
watered  but  once. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1870. 


© 
8- 
0 


rO       © 


<y 


Bring  outyure  bran  nu  cutter > 

And  git  yure  galls  consent, 
Then  hitch  tip  Dobbin,  or  sum  other  kruttur, 

And  let  the  animile  went. 


Li  3 
3  ? 


CD 


© 

I 

2 

3 
4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
n 

12 

i3 
14 
i5 
16 

i7 
1 8 

19 

20 
21 
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24 

25 
26 

27 
28 


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T 

F 

S 

G 

M 


Prognostix. 


?  Gusty  G\  squalls  $. 
St.  <F  Valentine^ 
<&  killed  270  O 

^t  more  gusty 
Valentine  &  $ 

waz^  Cupid's!^ 
9  Corresponding 
Secretary  £  snow^ 

r£i  storms  still 
loafing  ^  around  $1 
®the  8  sky  *  Roger 
Sherman  waz  a  <$ 
shoemaker^  farmers 
£?  will  TT£  now  g 

•  sprinkle  their 
hay  with  brine  V3  © 
$  and  skratch  their 
pigs  ©  backs  0  snow 
A/alls  $  in  6 

chunks  ft  now  J£l 
trap  for  |^|t  mice 
2  T  and  other 

furs  Q  pepper  n 
sass  fust  diskovered 
3JI1496  sighns  ova$£ 
*thaw  Ben  Franklin 
waz  a  StJf""  printer. 


SHAD  SCALES. 


F'ools   are   the   whet  stuns  ov 
society. 


If  a  man  haint  got  a  well  bal- 
lanced  head,  i  like  tew  see  him 
part  hiz  hair  in  the  middle. 


It  iz  a  strange  and  lamentable 
fakt,  that  yii  kant  advance,  nor 
even  inaugurate,  a  moral  move- 
ment without  the  aid  ov  money — 
yu  kan  run  a  saw  mill  on  credit, 
but  yu  kant  run  the  gospel. 


When  i  waz  yung,  i  used  tew  feel 
good  six  days  in  two,  but  now  i 
am  old,  if  I  kan  manage  tew  feel 
good  two  days  in  six,  i  think  i  am 
doing  fust  rate. 


Flattery  iz  like  colone  water, 
tew  be  smelt  ov,  not  swallered. 


MARCH  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month  derives  her  pedigree  from  the  Danish 
verb  "  Whizz,1'  which  means  to  blow,  to  wheeze,  to  snort, 
to  pitch  in  endways,  and  crossways,  to  shake  winder 
blinds,  to  smash  barn  doors,  to  skare  pigs,  to  brake 
clothes  lines,  to  make  men  sware,  and  wimmin  balky. 
March  iz  principally  immense  for  wind,  but  whare  it  all 
cums  from,  and  whare  it  all  goes  to,  are  prize  conum- 
drums  which  i  kant  untangle.  Dogs  kreated  this  month 
invariably  hav  the  bark  on. 


ATTENSHUJf  FARMERS. 

Rathbun's  "Old  oaken  bucket  washing  masheen." 
For  washing,  bleaching,  bileing,  wringing,  starching, 
blueing,  hanging  out,  drieing,  ironing,  marking,  fluting, 
and  folding  clothes,  this  lovely  masheen  haz  no  competi- 
tor in  the  male,  or  femail  world.  This  iz  the  only 
masheen, in  the  western  hemisphear,  that  takes  the  inside 
cloth  oph  from  a  man's  back  on  the  keen  jump,  and  puts 
it  back  agin,  in  15  minnitts,  washed,  dried,  ironed, 
starched,  the  buttons  sowed  on,  and  the  collar  turned 
down.  Ask  for  Rathbun's  Old  oaken  bucket  washing 
masheen,  and  keep  asking  till  yu  git  it,  and  when  yu  hav 
got  it,  hug  it  tew  yure  buzzum. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1870. 


O 


Mend  fences  now,  and  diches  dig, 
Lay  in  some  cow,  and  little  pig, 
For  milk,  and  pork, 
Iz  what  enables  a  man  tew  do  a  good  sqitare  day's  work. 


Pl.   o 


ni 


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3 

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4 

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7 

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9 

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i5 

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16 

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i7 

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18 

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19 

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23 

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24 

T 

25 

F 

26 

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27 

G 

28 

M 

29 

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3° 

W 

31 

T 

Prognostix. 


V3  Windy\  winds  O 
with   sighns  $  V3   Pv 

Tg^'ov  t  •  t  wind 
"Sorosis"  (#)  fust 
born#  II1206  born 
O  agin  pd  2  © 
1868  %- very -%  windy 
with  6  II  w*W 
If  $  gusts  peach  !J? 
crop  cut^itx 

off  az<9  T¥ usual 
Robinson  tetCruso 
X  2  died  #  1492 
now  yoke  $  a  pigs 
and  geese  %  $£ 
plant  cf  lobsters 
and  •  8  lettiss  for 
©  sallad  /^wfc  0  <?z// 
n_/»r  V3  wW 

count  $  Q  yureTT£ 
^cockroaches^ 
and  see  if  %  ©enny 
&  hav  bin  @  mislaid 
congress  #  O 

adjourns  T  lessQ 
wind  sour  £p  and 
cold  a  0  W  good  VS 
$  TT£  time  ©  to 

trade  off  Si  £ 
a  mule  2^=»  & 


SARDINES. 


Thare  is  only  one  good  substi- 
tute for  the  endearments  of  a  sis- 
ter, and  that  iz  the  endearments 
ov  sum  other  phellows  sister. 


Cheerfull  old  girls  are  the  brides 
maids  ov  society. 


About  the  meanest  kritter  thare 
iz  now  travelling  around  on  the 
buzzum  ov  the  earth,  iz  a  bashfull 
hypokritt. 


I  hope  i  shall  never  hav  so 
mutch  reputashun?  that  i  shant 
feel  obliged  tew  be  civil. 


The  biggest  phool  in  this  world 
hazn't  been  born  yet. 


Natur  is  just  az  honest   az  a 
cow. 


APRIL  MONOGRAPH. 

"  April,  dear  April,  chuck  full  ov  charms, 
Cum,  cum,  oh  cum,  tew  mi  arms," 
thus  warbled  the  poet,  more  than  twelve  thousand  years 
ago,  and  he  knew  his  bizz,  he  had  the  right  sting  in  him, 
he  want  none  ov  yure  pedigree  poets,  nor  dispepshee 
poets,  nor  whiskee  poets. 

Dandylions  planted  this  month  are  almost  sure  tew  hed 
out,  so  are  tud  stools,  so  are  hed  cheeze.  This  month 
iz  also  helthy  for  planting  onions,  onions  are  a  luxury, 
and  are  good  for  a  bad  breth,  or  are  bad  for  a  good 
breth,  i  hav  forgot  which,  but  either  way  iz  right. 


V ALU  ABEL  ADVICE   TEW  YUNG 
SPORTSMEN. 


In  fishing  for  musketoze  dont  wait  for  them  tew 
bite  the  seckond  time. 


The  best  bait  for  bed  bugs,  iz  tew  sleep  three  in 
a  bed. 

J&@*  The  best  mark  for  target  praktiss  iz  an  old 
maskuline  goose,  one  goose  will  last  yu  for  five  years 
shooting,  and  when  he  finally  gits  struck  with  lightning, 
and  begins  tew  perish,  yu  kan  melt  him  up,  and  git  out 
the  lead. 


The  best  kind  ov  a  spear,  for  bullfrogging,  iz  a 
four  tined  dung  fork,  when  you  git  the  tines  all  full, 
shoulder  the  fork,  and  put  for  home. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


a  o 

bp  ° 


I 

6> 


yethro  Sparks  cum  tew  town, 

Athwart  a  kussid  mule. 
He  wound  hiz  ears  around  hiz  nek, 

And  called  him  April  Phule, 


1870. 


> 

l 


5  s 

p.  o 

£*2 


Prognostix. 


EMBERS  ON  THE  HARTH. 


I 

2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
ii 

12 

*3 
14 
15 
16 

17 
18 

x9 

20 
21 
22 

23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 


Showery  $  expekt© 

JQ(  rain  V3  stern 
winter  iz^,  A  £? 

o'erv3sow  peas© 
and  plant  lambs  $ 
now  gs  Washington 
waz  the  £  father  «f 
l*?ov  hiz  ©  (country) 
©  wet  rain  ©  f 
Washington  3  when 
a  little  boy  had  #  $ 
TTina  little  f  SI 
axiti  f gentle 

UshowersS5  t  with 
which  he  r£i  9 

©  ^  tomahawked 
a  tree  ©  sighns  oj 
$  moisture  but  <$  0 
when  $  asked  $ 
X  if  he  did  the  tree 
cut  T  big  rainlfrhe 
°f  I£owned  the 

korn  (§#  lager 
beer  diskoveredrft 
¥  not  to  be  ¥  Q  . 

intoxicating  §#flf 
i845itipattent  taken 
out  g  now  digl^ 
for  umbrellers^f^* 


He  whom  the  good  praze,  and 
the  wicked  hate,  ought  tew  be 
satisfied  with  hiz  reputashun. 


The  less  a  man  knows,  the 
more  he  will  guess  at,  and  guessing 
iz  nothing  more  than  suspicion. 


It  is  a  statistikal  fakt,  that  the 
wicked  work  harder  tew  reach 
Hell,  than  the  righteous  do  tew 
git  to  heaven. 


When  i  git  thoroughly  ritch,  the 
fust  thing  i  intend  to  do,  iz  tew 
bekum  respektabel. 


Men  generally,  when  they  whip 
a  mule,  sware,  the  mule  remem- 
bers the  swaring,  but  forgits  the 
licking. 


MAY  MONOGRAPH. 

May  iz  the  belle  ov  the  year,  she  haz  worn  the  belt 
for  five  thousand  years.  If  May  hadn't  hav  been  a 
sensible  girl,  she  would  hav  bin  spilte  long  ago  with 
poetry  and  stanzy.  But  she  is  an  independant  kritter, 
and  dont  care  one  kuss  for  stanzy.  This  iz  an  eazy 
month  tew  fall  in  love,  our  naturs  are  now  fully  thawd 
out,  after  the  late  kold  snap,  and  like  a  little  melted 
brook,  begin  tew  look  around,  tew  find  another  little 
melted  brook  tew  mix  with.  Oh  !  how  precious  and 
delightsum  it  iz  to  mix.  Hive  bees  during  this  month, 
if  yu  hav  got  sum,  if  not,  hive  sumboddy  else's. 


PATIENTS  ISSUED  DURING  1869. 

Feb.  i st.  To  Ambrose  Griddle,  Esq.,  a  pattent  for  a 
hen's  egg,  which  beats  the  natral  egg  for  awl  purposes, 
except,  cooking,  hatching,  and  eating. 


April  13th.  To  Ezra  Push,  Jun.,  a  pattent  for  a  one 
wheeled  velosipede.  This  wise  instrumentality  haz  two 
handles  tew  it,  and  iz  purswaded  by  taken  hold  ov  the 
handles,  and  walking  between  them  with  a  shove  moshun. 
If  it  wasn't  a  velosipede,  it  would  be  an  old  fashioned 
wheelbarrow. 


March  10th.  To  David  Gibson,  for  a  pattent  goose 
yoke.  These  yokes  are  packed  in  cotton  wool,  and  sent 
bi  express  all  over  the  face  ov  the  earth,  they  are  sudden 
tew  yoke  a  goose  with,  and  no  goose  should  be  without 
one. 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


3,6 

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1  a 

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W 
I 


7/5^  Rooster  now  with  burstin  thrut, 
Proklaims  the  rozy  morn. 

And  cacklin  hens  are  telling  us. 
Another  egg  is  born. 


1870, 

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Prognostix. 


y&"  Physician  Si 
heal  thyself,"  0  <9 

^c  big  joke  d 
J£on  physician  Til, 
now  n  pi  ant  -A  6  $ 
0  corn  $  for  early 

whiskey  6  showers 
with  sun  (%) 

in  them  TTJ2.  spring 
yhaz  cumg  • 
adorned  likeV3 

©  a  bride  $ 
sighns  Q  ov 
©  rainQ  brides 
alwus  create  aQ® 

•  g  V3  sensashun 
V\  thunder U 

mixed  with  A  6 
rain  °o  it  iz  more 
idiffikult  tewX 

be  a  bride  T 
¥  than  a  brides  Q 
maid  r£i  babes 
J^  ty  in  the  ©  5* 
woods  diskoveredlT 

n  a  1626  6  $' 

Ttf^r*  harvest 
cowslops  for  £  £? 
greens  TT&1C  eggs 
plenty — 


RAMRODS. 


Piety  iz  like  beans,  it  seems  tew 
do  the  best  on  a  poor  sile. 


About  the  hardest  thing  a 
phellow  kan  do,  iz  tew  spark 
two  girls  at  onst,  and  preserve  a 
good  average. 


I  had  rather  be  a  seed  cow- 
cumber,  flung  up  on  a  wood  pile, 
tew  ripen,  than  tew  be  an  old 
bachelor. 


Better  leave  yure  children 
virtew,  than  money,  but  this  is 
a  sekret  known  only  to  a  few. 


Going  tew  law,  iz  like  skinning 
a  nu  milk  cow  for  her  hide,  and 
giving  the  beef  tew  the  lawyeis. 


JUNE  MONOGRAPH. 

June  iz  twin  sister  tew  May,  lacking  a  month.  She  iz 
named  after  Juno,  the  spouze  ov  Jupiter,  and  she  waz  a 
stirring  woman.  June  iz  the  mother  of  rozes  and  milk. 
June  iz  the  stepmother  of  good  gras  butter,  she  iz  also 
grate  granmother  ov  Bakon  and  Spinnage.  June  iz  a 
praktikal  gusher,  and  i  love  tew  stand  one  side,  and  let 
her  gush, — i  hav  made  it  a  rule  never  tew  git  in  the  way 
ov  a  gush  ov  enny  kind, — i  say  tew  everything,  gush  !  oh, 
gush ! 


•       WORDS  TE  W  HO  USE  WIFES. 

To  make  a  cheap  soup,  take  5  drops  ov  good  strong 
onion  juice,  add  2  gall's  ov  water,  bile  10  minnitts  kare- 
fully,  and  seazon  with  a  couple  ov  phatt  cockroches. 


To  make  a  hoe  kake,  take  a  hoe  and  bile  it  tew  a  thin 
jell,  and  then, — let  her  kake. 


Tew  skin  a  Eel,  turn  him  inside  out,  and  remove  the 
meat  with  a  Jack  plane. 


Tew  make  a  hen  lay  2  eggs  a  day,  reazon  with  her ; 
if  that  dont  dew,  threaten  to  chastize  her  if  she  dont. 


Tew  learn  yure  offspring  to  steal,   make   them   beg 
hard  for  all  that  yu  giv  them. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


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Where  water  runs  the  fasstest, 
Thare  lays  the  trout,  jist  jerk  him  out, 
And  chuck  hi?n  in  yure  basket. 


1870- 


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Prognostix. 


At  times  warm  %  at 
O  T  other  ti?nes 
Q  warmer^  Q 
muskeeters  £  ©  $ 

TT£  8  looking  for  a 
job  2  2  Sinbad 

the  sailor^* 
^  wrecked  9 
$^~I385  hot  sighns 
ov  warm  (§  Jp 

weather  8  straw 
berrys  S^"  25 

cents  a  quart  0 
0  £  strawberrys 
large,  quarts  small  |j|| 
71  shower  sV^jl 
vrith  0  Z2  rain  ©  £§ 

remember  the  f 
poor  natur  □  0 

grows  ^  Old 
£  Grimes  died 
1785  <§  he  had 

$  a  good  old  8 
fltt  soul  &dark 

nights  (D  mint 
juleps  in#TTJI 

market  £  !*T  fakts 
n  are  stubborn  (® 
things  c5  so  be  mules 


OATS. 


The  time  tew  be  karefullest  iz 
when  we  hav  a  hand  full  ov 
trumps. 


Old  dorgs  nuss  their  grudges, 
but  yung  purps  fite,  and  then 
frolick. 


Mother! — The  holy  thoughts, 
and  memorys,  that  cluster  around 
this  name,  can  never  be  so  well 
expressed,  az  in  the  calm  utterance 
ov  the  name  itself. 


I  thank  the  Lord  for  one  thing, 
that  the  hardest  word  in  enny 
language  tew  say,  iz — No  ! 


I  had  ratner  undertaik  tew  be 
two  good  Doves,  than  one  decent 
sarpent 


JULY  MONOGRAPH. 

July  iz  the  sixth  month,  which  ackounts  for  its  being 
so  near  the  middle  ov  the  year.  It  derives  its  name  from 
"  Julos"  a  hot  old  phellow,  who  settled  near  the  equator, 
at  an  early  day,  and  kept  every  boddy  in  hiz  naberhood, 
in  a  profound  swett.  July  haz  menny  features  ov  interest, 
the  principle  one  ov  which,  iz,  the  payment  ov  semi- 
annual i?iterest,  by  most  ov  the  banks,  on  the  fust  day  ov 
the  month,  upon  their  principal.  This  iz  a  fine  old 
custom,  and  i  hope  it  will  be  kept  up,  for  i  own  a  leetle 
bank  stock,  and  take  sum  i?iterest  in  the  principle. 


A  NEW  TOOL. 
"  Rogers  grate  western  hoss  rake." 

John  Rogers  revolving,  expanding,  uncerimonius,  self- 
adjusting,  self-contrakting,  self-sharpening,  self-greasing, 
and  self-righteous  Hoss  Rake,  iz  now,  and  forever,  offered 
tew  a  generous  publik.  Theze  rakes  are  az  eazy  tew 
keep  in  repair  az  a  hitching  post,  and  will  rake  up  a 
paper  ov  pins,  sowed  broad  kast,  in  a  ten  aker  lot  ov 
wheat  stubble.  Theze  rakes  kan  be  used  in  the  winter 
for  a  hen  roost,  or  be  sawed  up  into  stove  wood  for  the 
kitchen  fire.  No  farmer,  ov  good  moral  karakter,  should 
be  without  this  rake,  not  even  if  he  haz  to  steal  one. 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


1870. 


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Young  man  ! — let  hornets  be,  and  dont  go  nigh 

The  pizen  snaik  tew  mutch, 
For  during  the  month  ov  Julii, 

They  aint  helthy  tew  the  tutch. 


E3- 
O 
T3 


Prognostix. 


$  ©  Mad  dogs 

seen  1$  muzzle 
yure9  £  8 
$^='  children  © 

S  look  out 
for  a  hotness  □  ip 

TTj,  owe  no  9 
man  $  keep  cooler 

hail  storm  □  >### 
TTJ,  $  stones  X?  9 
weigh  sevral  ft^3" 

/0/z.r  3  0  that 
izall  *»  *%* 

that  fell  U  the 
11  hot  iz  more  i&% 
hot  8  ©  6   saw 

$  horses  begin  £ 
tew  pant^a^ 

•  wet  shower  $ 
TQ»<wIII§ 
1  warm  *^ 
©  1£  a  penny 
saved  iz  f   £ 
itj,  worth  U  two  <9 

lost  £T  £  pray 
for  ice  TTj,  ^ 

$  ©  flys  lively 
•  now  harvest 

rye  for  <9  © 
whiskee  d  ^ 


DOUGH  NUTS. 


I  hav  alwus  notised  one  thing, 
when  a  man  gits  in  a  tite  spot,  he 
dont  never  call  on  hiz  friend  the 
Devil  tew  help  him  out. 


The  man  who  haz  just  found 
out  that  he  kant  afford  tew  burn 
green  wood,  haz  taken  hiz  fust 
lesson  in  econemy. 


I  think  now  if  I  had  all  the 
money  that  iz  due  me  i  would 
invest  it  in  a  saw  mill, — and  let 
her  rip. 


A  good  wife  iz  a  sweet  smile 
from  heaven. 


A  big  noze  iz  sed  to  be  a  sighn 
ov  genius, — if  a  mans  genius  lays 
in  hiz  noze,  i  should  say  the  sighn 
waz  a  good  one. 


AUGUST  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month,  for  sum  reazon,  haz  got  a  hot  way  ov 
doing  things.  Awl  natur  unties  her  corsets  and  loafs  bi 
the  side  ov  brooks,  with  stockingless  feet,  tew  ketch  the 
cool  words  ov  singing  waters,  and  watch  the  bubles  ov 
sweet,  that  rize  on  the  noze  ov  the  green  frog,  az  they 
set  down  on  themselfs,  on  the  moss  upholstered  stones. 

Butter  spreads  itself  freely  during  this  month.  Snakes 
slip  eazy,  and  Cupid  crawls  behind  the  shadder  ov  a 
dieing  roze,  and  shutes  hiz  gun  at  the  galls,  and  boys. 


THINGS  WORTH  KNOWING. 

Tew  milk  a  kicking  cow,  stand  oph  about   10   foot, 
and  holler  "  So  !  darn  you." 


Tew  make  light  bread,  do  az  the  bakers  do, — call  9 
ounces  a  pound. 


Tew  make  oxtale  soup,  bile  an  ox  in  a  pot,  and  let 
the  caudel  continuation  hang  over  the  edge  ov  the  pot 
and  drip. 


Tew  git  at  the  solid  kontents  ov  yure  wife's  tongue,  be 
verry  sweet  with  the  new  skool  mom  in  yure  distrikt. 


Tew  break  a  mule — commence  at  his  head. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1870. 


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Afcm  ^^  afom  <?#&, 
And  hew  doun  barley, 
Rize  with  the  sun, 
And  go  tew  bed  arly. 


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SI     O 


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Prognostix. 


6  Expekt  packo 

pedlers  H§  dry 
and  hot  *#*  ice 
9  iz  trumps  % 

great  drouth  f^< 
auctioneers  ftflj 

$dry9 
Q  up  ©Don' 

Quixot  fights© 
a  wind  mill(§^ 

1342  U  gits 
whipped  the  £ 

££  fust  round 
£gt  honesty  ^ 

iz  the  best  $ 
policy  6  better 
$  than  a  life  £ 

II  insurance 
policy  §§  uncommon 
&  <#<tf  1?  rag  dolls 

perspire  freely  TT£ 
ra/Vs  fO&ft  thunder** 
0  ^0/  increases 
#  thermometors  bile 
over  ©  Adam 
$  waz  the        Jft 

fust  man  £ 
cooler^  !%  that 

•  *  kissed  a 
woman  *  *J 


ST(K5  ENDS. 


A  lie  iz  like    a  kat,  it   never 
cums  tew  yu  in  a  straight  line. 


The  longest  lived  thing  i  kno 
ov,  iz  a  nikname. 


Most  men  go  through  life  az 
rivers  go  tew  the  sea,  bi  following 
the  lay  ov  the  ground. 


If  I  had  a  mule  who  wouldn't 
neither  kick,  nor  bite,  i  should 
watch  him  dredful  cluss  till  i 
found  out  whare  hiz  malice  did 
lie. 


The  devil  iz  a  mean  kuss,  he 
never  keeps  hiz  own  promises, 
but  alwus  makes  us  keep  ours. 


SEPTEMBER  MONOGRAPH. 

September  iz  named  after  "Septus"  which  thrashed 
ouf  into  Amerikan,  means  seven.  I  wouldn't  take  500 
dollars  for  the  latin  i  know,  and  i  don't  kno  mutch 
nuther.  Sept.  iz  a  lakadaisikal  month,  mello  az  the 
dekayed  side  of  a  punkin,  and  as  sensitive  az  a  boarding 
school  miss,  during  her  fust  quarter  in  french.  Natur 
makes  her  will  this  month — hogs  root  violently — birds 
hold  convenshuns,  and  adjourn  down  south — tree  toads 
boost  each  other  up  trees  and  warble  sum  anthems — 
katydids  chew  musick  and  spit  it  out  freely,  and  bull 
frogs  post  their  books. 


MORE  ADVICE  TEW  YOUNG  SPORTSMEN. 

In  shooting  at  a  deer  that  looks  like  a  calf,  always  aim 
so  az  tew  miss  it  if  it  iz  a  calf,  and  to  hit  it  if  it  iz  a 
deer. 


In  fishing  for  krabs,  use  yure  fingers  for  bait,  yu  kan 
feel  them  when  they  fust  bite. 


Dont  fire  at  a  bumble  bee  on  the  wing,  not  till  he 
settles,  then  take  good  aim,  and  knok  him  endways. 


In  bobbing  for  Eels,  use  a  raw  potato,  yu  may  not 
bag  much  Eels,  but  yu  kan  bag  a  bob,  that  yu  kan  hand 
down  tew  yure  ancestors  untarnished. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


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7%/j  month  pull flax •, 
And  teeth  that  ake, 

Lay  in  bees  wax. 
And  emptins  hake. 


1870. 


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22 

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23 

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24 

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26 

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29 

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30 

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Prognostix. 


Limpsey  weather  $ 
£  moon  in  perigree 
<s*^  Jim  Crow 
born  1836  H  now 

$  d  dry  apples 
for  sass  $  rawi 
threatningsfomoney 

tight  9  ft  faH 
bonnets  appear  ^ 

5$  &  they  are 
ravishing  3jnri 

<:00/TrH.2t  to  a  20 
dollar  bill© 

$  now  fish  for  Q 
crabs  I£l  r<z/?/  drizzle 
$  crabs  bite  with 
their  feet  £  smoky 

weather  Gs  ^  and 
hang  on  like  X 

a  poor  relashun  f 
]£use  cod  r£i 

liver  oil  £ 
"55?  more  wet  □  for 
greasing  waggons  ^ 
grate  snake  ~*^ 

seen  at  8  * 
Nuport  1820  A  12 
miles  long  6  Venus 
*an  evening  star  >|c 


OLD   CHEEZE. 


Medicine  haz  cost  the  world 
more  than  bread  haz,  and  haz 
killed  more  than  it  haz  cured. 


Marriage  tew  a  coquette  iz 
often,  "letters  ov  marque  and 
reprisal." 


It  iz  very  diffikult  for  a  poor 
man  tew  be  superior  tew  hiz  for- 
tune, and  more  diffikult  for  a  rich 
one. 


Hunting  after  health,  iz  like 
hunting  after  fleas,  the  more  yu 
hunt,  the  more  flees  you  will  find. 


The  devil  iz  sed  tew  be  the 
"  father  ov  lies,"  if  this  iz  so,  he 
haz  got  a  numerous  family,  and 
sum  very  promising  children 
amungst  them. 


OCTOBER  MONOGRAPH. 

October  iz  one  ov  the  fall  months,  Adam  iz  sed  tew 
hav  fell  this  month,  but  sich  assershuns  are  like  standing 
oph  a  half  a  mile,  in  a  cloudy  day,  and  guessing  at  the 
number  ov  fleas  on  a  dorg,  more  sincere,  than  sartain. 
The  strongest  attrakshun  for  me,  in  this  month,  iz  her 
natral  cider;  the  man  who  don't  admire  good  natral 
cider,  must  be  a  condem  phool. 

Prepare  for  a  hard  winter  during  this  month,  bi  repent- 
ing ov  yure  sins,  and  gitting  up  a  good  big  wood  pile. 


PECK'S  CHURN,  AND  BRIS TOW'S  SOWING 
MASHEEN. 

Theze  churns  are  the  pride  ov  invenshun,  the  genius 
ov  improvement,  a  viktory  over  time,  and  a  conquest  ov 
labor.  They  will  fetch  butter  from  cream  in  2  seckonds, 
from  milk  in  2  minnitts,  and  from  water,  inside  ov  a  very 
short  time.  Better  be  without  a  spellin  book,  or  even  a 
pack  of  kards,  in  a  growing  family,  than  not  tew  hav  one 
ov  Peck's  Churns.  Peck  iz  a  philanthropist,  every  house- 
wife in  the  world,  should  put  on  a  clean  white  apron, 
hold  up  both  hands  on  high,  and  shout,  Bully !  !  oh  ! 
Bully  !  for  Peck. 


.  Buy  Bristow's  double-thread,  cross-stitch,  rivet-seam, 
dovetail-hemmer,  lighting-movement,  krank-moshun  sow- 
ing masheen.  Theze  masheens  took  all  the  premiums  at 
the  late  lamented  Paris  imposishun,  and  one  ov  them, 
which  waz  sent  tew  a  farmer  in  Tiogy  county  last  fall,  on 
trial,  sowed  up  the  whole  family  in  a  hard  not,  in  less 
than  three  days,  besides  sowing  fourteen  acres  of  winter 
rye. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1870. 


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77/^  v<?/A>  korn  now  scents  the  gale, 
And  harz'est  boys  the  milk  maids  wake, 

With  matin  songs,  in  praizes  of, 
Hasty  pnddin,  and  yohnny  kake. 


3     _ 


2 

1* 

Prognostix. 

I 

S 

©Jack  Frost # 

2 

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born  <f  of 

3 

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poor  but  honest 

4 

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®  Q  parents  $  now 

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hunt  for  cider  © 

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£  moon  in  £? 

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apogee  TT£  IX 

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snakes  hangV3 

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snap  6  6  let  her 

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snap  6  t  begin 

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yure  promiskuss 

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thanksgiving  f^* 

#&/rar#/Alay 

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in  yure 
&  winter  clams  & 

BIRDS  TRACKS. 


How  menny  people  thare  iz 
whoze  souls  hang  in  them,  like 
the  pith  in  a  gooze  quill. 


Opinyuns  are  like  other  kinds 
ov  vegetables,  worth  jist  what 
they  will  fetch. 


When  a  man  gits  so  reduced 
that  he  kant  help  ennyboddy  else, 
we  then  vote  him  a  penshun  for 
the  rest  ov  hiz  life,  by  calling  him 
a  poor  devil. 


A  lie  repented  ov  bekums  the 
truth. 


I  had  rather  be  married  tew  an 
unabridged  Webster's  diktionary, 
than  tew  an  unabridged  literary 
woman. 


NOVEMBER  MONOGRAPH. 

Everyboddy  wants  tew  be  sassy  at  November — to  turn 
her  the  cold  shoulder — tewnuss  all  their  old  akes  anew — 
tew  look  az  sour  az  a  pot-bellyed  pickle — tew  hunt  for  a 
kat's  tale  tew  step  at, — but  iaint!  November  iz  when 
i  harvest  mi  happiness,  when  i  gather  into  mi  pious  korn 
krip,  the  moral  sowing  ov  the  whole  year.  I  am  only 
sorry  for  one  thing  during  the  month  ov  November,  and 
that  iz,  that  i  am  sich  a  poor,  weak,  unsartin,  sinnerly 
cuss,  and  that  mi  nabers  aint  much  better  than  i  am. 


SUM  MORE  HINTS  TE  W  BOARDIN-HOUSE 
KEEPERS. 

ist.  If  your  boarders  take  sugar,  and  milk,  in  their 
kaughphy,  dont  put  in  mutch  sugar,  bekauze  yu  kno  they 
hav  milk,  and  dont  put  in  but  little  milk,  bekauze  they 
hav  sugar. 


2d.  Bukwheat  kakes  made  out  ov  wheat  bran  kost  less, 
and  soak  up  molasses  more  carefully. 


3d.  In  negotiating  for  sassige,  do  yure  bizzness  with 
the  bolony  men,  then  you  kno  what  yu  are  gitting  )'u 
kant  alwus  tell  what  country  sassige  kontains. 


4th.  Be  kind  tew  cockroaches,  for  they  often  make  a 
plate  of  butter  last  a  whole  week,  and  when  you  pray, 
alwus  pray  for  the  light  eaters. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1870. 


1  £   * 


o> 


Pick  apples  now,  and  cider  make, 
And  in  a  barrel  juice  it, 

Then  git  a  straw,  without  a  flaw, 
And  through  the  straw  seduce  it. 


S3 

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3 

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4 

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14 

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16 

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17 

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18 

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23 

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28 

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30 

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Prognostix. 


Sour  cold  Jg(  a 

©  $1  stampede  in 
Brigham  (t) 

Youngs  family  03 
□  more  cold  T&  he 
suddenly  bekumsTTj, 
unwedded  n  more 
[Jt]  sour  A  for  a 

large  ()  amount 
rain  0g,  and  iz 

T  left  a  75  hoss 
power  widdower  g- 

^clammy  and  raw 
Brigham  burys  0 

himself  in  fHi 
weeds  iTJ,  blustering 
•  at  the  bottom  ov§ 
his  garden  patch  J+l 
0  cold  with  sourness 
Brother  Brigham 

rally srmsighns  ov 

snow  £0  he  iz  sealed 

seven  times  in  one 

day®  £  sour 

with  wetness  £  $ 

^  sealing  wax 
advances  10    6  fi 
[*]  cents  on  a  stick 
now  chop  wood    Q 


SHOE  PEGS. 


A  debt  iz  alwus  a  growing,  if 
it  dont  gro  in  size,  it  grows  in 
heft. 


There  iz  lots  ov  folks  in  the 
world,  who  covet  misfortins  jist 
for  the  luxury  ov  grunting. 


Hope  iz  a  draft  on  fewturity, 
sumtimes  honored,  but  generally 
extended. 


Prosperity  makes  phools,  and 
adversity  cures  them. 


A  dandy  iz  one  ov  Fashion's 
Eunuchs. 


If  yu  want  a  true  friend,  hire 
him  bi  the  month,  and  pay  him 
fair  wages. 


DECEMBER  MONOGRAPH. 

This  iz  the  last  month  in  the  Josh  Billings  Farmers 
Alminax.  Other  dutys,  ov  a  maskuline  natur  hav  forced 
us  tew  haul  in  our  gang  plank.  We  would  like  tew  hav 
hung  on  a  month  or  two  longer,  and  made  a  big  thing  ov 
it.  Dear  Reader  we  must  part,  and  it  iz  like  pulling 
angleworms  out  ov  their  holes,  almost  sure  tew  part  the 
angleworms.  I  shall  think  ov  yu  az  long  az  i  liv,  please 
tew  resiprokate,  when  yu  remember  me,  by  uttering  a 
tear.  I  hav  taken  a  kontrakt  tew  remove  the  muskeeters 
from  the  State  ov  Nu  Jersee,  west  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains, tew  their  new  reservashun,  and  i  am  anxious  tew  git 
the  bulk  ov  them  started  before  they  thaw  out.  I  may 
lose  mi  life  in  the  imdertakin,  but  i  have  bin  told  by 
good  judges,  that  it  is  sweet  tew  die  for  ones  country.  I 
kant  tell  whether  this  iz  so  or  not,  i  never  tried  it.  Good 
bye,  this  kussid  muskeeter  kontrakt  iz  wearing  on  me. 


FAMILY  MEDICINE. 

Joel  Biggs'   Sticking  Salve. 

A  thing  well  stuck,  iz  stuck  forever. 

This  salve  will  stick  enny  man. 

It  will  undoubtedly  stick  the  "  coming  man." 

It  haz  stuck  every  man  that  haz  cum  yet. 

No  family  should  be  without  this  matchless  sticker. 

(Unless  they  are  too  much  stuck  up  allreddy.) 

It  iz  put  up  in  sticks  twenty  feet  long, 

To  stick  a  man  at  a  distance. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1870. 


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/¥/<?  hi  the  harth,  with  beechen  wood, 
Load  down  the  kitchen  table. 

Fill  up  the  old  klay  pipe, 
And  go  it  while  yure  able. 


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17 

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19 

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23 

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24 

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26 

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28 

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Pro^nostix. 


$  t  ColdGs^ 
sno7u  now  X  T 

inflate  sassigel£ 
"  Necessity  iz  the 
8-  ()  mother  ov 
invenshun  "  (§# 
T5J.  more  snow  9  £ 
invenshun  waz  born 
in  Nu  England  "SJP 

•vj1  coldly  Plymouth 
rock  discovered  ^ 
1620  D|  punch  fires 
9  £  Old  Zip 

Coon  died 
1840  $1  snow  ©  too 
,  much  hard  gr- 
ader floored  him  8 
Til  Wetter  cold  D 

Ji^^Santy  Claws 
created  A  year 

disputed  6  thare 
iz  menny  a  £g  TT£ 
•  rose  born  tew  2 
blush  unseenV3  ¥ 
Tf  espeshilly  negroes 
[ — ]  ww  colder  [ — 

1870  dies  f= 
pile  on  the  iQ% 
©©bed  clotheslfT 
good  night  !  !  !  !  0 


GOOD  BYES. 


I  thank  God  most  fervently  for 
one  thing,  and  that  iz,  when 
everyboddy  else  iz  happy,  i  am 
sure  to  be. 


Love  iz  sed  tew  be  blind,  but  i 
kno  lots  ov  phellows  in  love,  who 
kan  see  twice  az  mutch  in  their 
sweethearts  as  i  kan. 


If  yu  want  tew  git  a  sure  krop, 
and  a  big  yield,  sow  wild  oats. 


The  chains  ov  slavery  are  none 
the  lighter  for  being  made  ov 
gold. 


In  youth  we  run  into  difikultys, 
in  old  age,  difikultys  run  into  us. 


EXTRA  EKLIPSES  FOB  THE  YEAR  1870. 


There  will  be  eklipses  this  year  which  have  been  over- 
looked by  other  Allminax  makers. 

First. — Thare  will  be  semiockasional  eklipses  ov  the 
moon,  kauzed  bi  brandy  smashes  gitting  between  that 
virtewous  and  pale  old  woman,  and  the  eyes  ov  sum  ov 
our  most  promising  young  men. 

Second. — There  will  be  a  few  eklipses  ov  the  Son, 
kauzed  bi  the  old  gentleman  cutting  oph  the  supplys  ov 
Charles  Fitz  Henry  Augustus.  (Bully  for  the  old  gentle- 
man.) 

Third. — Thare  will  be  domestik  eklipses  (visibel  only 
tew  the  naked  eye)  kauzed  bi  the  new  Comet  Sorosis 
jumping  out  ov  her  pasture,  and  cantering  around  pro- 
miskuss. 

Fourth. — Thare  will  be  teetotal  eklipse  during  the 
whole  of  the  Year  1870,  ov  all  other  Allminax,  through- 
out the  earth,  upper  and  lower  kanada,  and  sum  parts  ov 
Nu  Jersee,  kauzed  bi  the  immense  circulashun  ov  the 
Josh  Billings'  Farmers'  Allminax. 


^-». 


7vL&v\  o  See  (X    Qratitt  si^<z^ys  AeA, 
07J '  fo    /Tt-J^    &ft)  f^iA  Scx^n  Zo  rurseft 


JAMES    MeCREERY  &   CO., 

Broadway,  cor.  11th  St.,  N.  Y., 


IMPORTERS     AND     RETAILERS     OF 

DRY   GOODS, 

SILKS,   SATINS,   VELVETS,  LACES,  CAMELS  HAIR  SHAWLS, 
KID  GLOVES,  DRESS  GOODS,  ETC. 


LATEST  NOVELTIES  IN  CHOICE  VARIETIES. 


SPECIAL    MAIL    ORDER    DEPARTMENT. 


G ii     So    siOyc^i^/c  ^rvv  / /,  //Tar  //Ely 

la*u~  ovc«-  /r-&$<-  ^uaa^^  fch+fc'  *  ; 


BISMAKCK  AND   SOZODONT. 


She  was  at  the  German  Court, 
When  Prince  Bismarck  said,  in  sport, 
"  How  is  this  ?    'Tis  often  said 
Yankee  teeth  are  soon  decayed  ; 
But  I  never  saw  such  fine 
White  and  solid  teeth  as  thine  ! 

"  Never  !    English,  French,  or  Spanish, 
Prussian,  Russian,  Dutch,  or  Danish  ; 
Never  !    By  the  Caspian  Sea. 
Persian  Gulf,  or  Znyder  Zee  ; 
Never  maiden's  teeth  like  yours— 
Such  a  double  row  of  chewers  V* 

Then  she  answered,  **  Ah,  Your  Highness  lv 
And  she  glanced  a-down  with  shyness, 
"  Pew  girls  had  worse  teeth  than  we  did 
Till  we  found  out  what  was  needed  ; 
Now  thev  can't  decav,  and  won't, 
For  we  all  use  SOZODONT." 


THE  TWELVE  ZODIAK  SIGHNS 


BILLINGS'  ALLMINAX. 


Raccoon. 

n 

Monkey. 


Fly. 
$ 

Codfish. 


Fox.     <f 


Hornet. 

Cockroach. 

Swine. 

Goat. 

n 

Angleworm 
V3 


Cat.     H 


^nmi%  ob  tijt  S%Ijn3  in  %  ^illxttg^'  ^Umma*. 


(Stinggus,)  the  Hornet. 
(Bugguss,)  a  Cockroach. 
(Roottus,)  the  Swine. 
(  Crawluss,)  a  Angleworm. 
(Buttuss,)  the  Gote. 
(Sneakuss,)  a  Kat. 


(Saltuss,)  the  Kodfish. 
(Buzzuss,)  a  Fly. 
(Struttuss,)  the  Ruseter. 
(MunkutSf)  a  Munkee. 
(Stealuss,)  the  Coon. 
(FoxuSyJ  a  Fox. 


$ nrbrnxk  JfalUji  gail  $0ab. 


RULES,  BY-LAWS,  Affl)  REGULASHWS. 


i.  Conduktors  are  positively  forbid  trieing  tew  pass 
each  other  on  a  single  track. 

2.  Passengers  are  warned  ov  the  great  danger  ov 
standing  on  the  platforms,  —  menny  a  promising  man 
haz  lost  hiz  life  by  having  a  platform  drop  from  under 
him. 

3.  Positively  no  droves  ov  cattle  or  swine  allowed  on 
this  road  unless  they  are  travelling  the  same  direckshun 
the  trains  are. 

4.  Engineers  are  earnestly  requested  tew  keep  their 
cow  ketchers  well  greased,  and  will  bear  in  mind  that 
when  a  cow  iz  ketched  the  hide  belongs  tew  them ;  but 
the  beef  and  tallo  iz  tew  be  sent  immejiately  tew  the 
president  of  the  road. 

5.  Enny  switchman  running  a  train  oph  from  the  trak 
will  be  find  10  dollars,  and  interest  on  the  fine  at  the 
rate  of  4  per  cent  per  annum  untill  the  fine  iz  paid. 

6.  No  konduktor  iz  invited  tew  remain  on  this  road 
10  minnits  who  hasn't  heard  ov  the  10  commandments, 
espeshily  the  one  which,  sez  "thou  shalt  not  spondulick 
thyself  with  the  dimes  ov  another." 

7.  No  charges  made  on  this  road  for  coroners'  in- 
quests. 


HOW  THEY  DO  TALK 


r  r  r»  ft 

m\\  I  tilings'  J'armer'a  lltmhrax 


FOR   THE   YEAR  1870. 


11  Giv  me  liberty,  or  giv  me  deth,  but  if  i  kant  hav  either,  giv  me 
Josh  Billings'  allminax  for  1870. n 


"  It  kured  mi  wife  ov  wanting  to  die." 


"It  iz  like  peper  sass  in  a  hot  day." 


"  The  Billings  Allminax  will  go  father  in  a  family  than  12  dozen 
ov  ginger  popp." 


"  When  i  am  sad  and  lonely,  i  fli  tew  its  pages,  like  a  bumblebee 
tew  a  full  blown  dandylion." 


"  It  gave  me  grate  presence  ov  mind." 


"  My  wife  brings  up  her  ophspring,  and  duz  all  her  plain  sowing 
bi  yure  allminaxes." 


"  How  cooling,  and  perforating  it  iz." 


THE  NATRAL  HORNET. 

The  hornet  iz  a  red  hot  child  ov  natur,  ov  sudden  im- 
preshuns,  and  a  sharp  konklusion.  The  hornets  alwus 
fites  at  short  range,  and  never  argy  a  case,  they  settle  all 
ov  their  disputes  bi  letting  their  javelin  fly,  and  are  az 
certain,  and  az  anxious  tew  hit,  az  a  mule  iz.  Hornets 
bild  their  nest  whereever  they  take  a  noshun  to,  and  sel- 
dum  are  asked  to  move,  for  what  would  it  profit  a  man 
tew  murder  99  hornets,  and  have  the  one  hundred  one 
hit  him  with  hiz  javelin.  I  kan't  tell  you  jist  tew  a  day 
how  long  a  hornet  kan  live,  but  I  kno  from  experience, 
that  every  bug,  be  he  hornet  or  sumboddy  else,  who  iz 
mad  all  the  time,  and  stings  every  good  chance  he  kan 
git,  generally  outlives  all  ov  his  nabors. 


DOMESTIK  RECEIPTS. 

To  make  good  ginger-snaps,  take  one  pound  of  ginger, 
stir  in  a  half  dozen  ov  lively  snaps,  do  them  to  a  brown, 
and  then  lock  them  up,  or  the  yung  ones  will  hook  them. 


To  learn  a  dog  tew  follow  well,  tie  him  tew  the  hind 
end  ov  an  express  train. 


To  find  out  whether  a  man  has  got  a  good  moral  kar- 
akter  or  not,  ask  him  pleasantly. 


To  cure  herring,  —  use  Godfrey's  Kordial. 


31  Days, 


JANUARY. 


1871. 


1 


o  3 


a 


He  who  by  the  plough  would  thrive, 

Must  7io  2- forty  kattle  drive, 

But  worry  the  ground  to  and  fro, 

With  horned  kritters  who  skasely  seem  to  go. 


£  0 
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History. 


%  Grate  cold  \  I£ 
Adam  born  6  6 
cold  grows  © 
iti>?{  Adam  had  no 
mother  [©]  © 
2^*  simptoms  ov  a 
thawness  ^  bi 

industry  we  thrive 
it  looks  like  snow 
Eve  born  ]ft  8 
i  shouldn't  wonder 
if  it  did  snow 
Eve  waz  a 

success  T^TTS 
grate  sassige  riot 

in  1612©  $1 
now  haul  ice  $  I£ 
50,000  sassige 
destroyed  5$  a  thaw 
threatens  TTJ,  Adam 
waz  a  confiding  man 
thaw  more  threat- 

ensome®he  took 
the  chances  § 

colder  ^2  6 
and  got  badly  beat 
□  ZZmercury 

\3  an  inch   O  Q 
belo  zero  V\,  (g 
^O  beware  of  the 
gout  ft  QV  t 


HASH  OAT  TOAST. 


All  the  good  injuns  die  young. 


Mankind  love  misterys,  a  hole 
in  the  ground  excites  more  won- 
der than  a  star  up  in  heaven. 


Jist  about  az  cerimonys  creep 
into  one  end  ov  a  church,  piety 
backs  out  at  the  other. 


Blessed  are  they  who  hav  no 
eye  for  a  key  hole. 

Don't  mistake  vivacity  for  wit, 
thare  iz  about  az  mutch  difference 
az  thare  iz  between  lightning  and 
a  lightning  bug. 

A  coquett  in  love  iz  az  tame  az 
a  bottle  ov  ginger  pop  that  haz 
stood  sum  time  with  the  corck 
pulled  out. 


BUI 


THE  PEOMISCUSS  COCKROACH. 

The  Cockroach  iz  a  bug  at  large.  He  iz  one  ov  the 
luxurys  ov  civilizashun.  The  Cockroach  iz  born  on  the 
fust  ov  May,  and  the  fust  ov  November  semi-annually, 
and  iz  reddy  for  use  in  fifteen  days  from  date.  They  are 
born  four  from  each  egg,  and  consequently  they  are  all 
twins  ;  thare  iz  no  sich  thing  in  the  annals  ov  natur,  az  a 
single  cockroach.  Their  food  seems  to  consist,  not  so 
mutch  ov  what  they  eat,  az  what  they  kan  git  into,  and 
often  finding  them  ded,  in  the  soup,  at  mi  boarding  house, 
I  have  cum  tew  the  painful  conclushun,  that  the  cock- 
roach kan't  swim,  but  that  he  kan  float  for  a  long  time. 


BINTS  TEW  YUNG  WIEES. 

i.  Don't  undertake  tew  liv  with  yure  mother-in-law, 
but  if  wuss  cums  tew  a  wussness,  let  yure  mother-in-law 
liv  with  yu. 


2.  Never  let  yure  husband  kno  more  than  one  haff  the 
affeckshun  yu  hav  for  him. 


3.  Don't  name  a  yung  one  after  a  bachelor  brother,  nor 
a  bachelor  sister. 


4.  Observe  theze  rules  fondly,  keep  yure  feet  dri,  and 
yure  hair  slick,  and  yu  will  prove  a  model  wife,  (and 
after  that),  an  acceptable  widder. 


28  Days, 


FEBRUARY. 


1871. 


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iVi?«/  gather  round  the  kitchen  fire y 
And  pile  the  chunks  on  hier  and  hiery 
Git  out  the  old  fiddle  and  partners  choose, 
And  shake  her  down  in  your  cowhide  shoes. 


> 
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II?  w 


History. 


$1  $1  How  doth  the 

little  bizzy  bee  n 
it  snows  Aag 
sting  evry  good 

chance  he  kan  git 
now  slaughter  wood 
QSlhazyQM 
Jo  Smith  created 

©i8i8© 
sum  snow  at  Mont- 

real  %  # 
Jo  Smith  manufak- 

terd  mormons  n 
squally  8    0  out  of 

phools<$  & 
]£virtew  iz  her  own 

paymaster^ 
bitter  cold  2  TL 
Jo  waz  not  a  polly 

gamist  \  9 
%  £t  sum  more 

coldness  ©  A 

bully  for  Jo  ^  TTg. 
grind  stuns  fust 

diskovered  1500T 
raw  but  cold  9  <f 
$  whooping   cough 

iz  ketching  $  0 


CHICKEN  SALLAD. 


Thare  iz  one  kritter  in  this 
world  whoze  troubles  yu  kant  con- 
sole, and  that  is  a  setting  hen. 

Thare  iz  nothing  like  a  sick 
bed  for  repentance,  a  man  bekums 
so  virtewous  he  will  often  repent 
ov  sins  that  he  never  committed. 

One  ov  the  hardest  things,  for 
enny  man  to  do,  iz  tew  fall  down 
on  the  ice  when  it  iz  wet,  and 
then  git  up,  and  praze  the  Lord. 


Gravity  iz  no  more  posatiff  evi- 
dence ov  wisdum,  than  a  paper 
collar  iz  ov  a  shirt. 


Curiosity  often  gets  a  mouse 
into  a  trap,  — jist  so  it  duz  other 
folks. 


THE  UNIVERSAL  SWINE. 

The  Swine,  (almost  always)  hav  four  legs,  tho  thare  iz 
sum  remarkable  *exceptshuns  to  this  rule.  Swine  are 
good  quiet  boarders ;  they  alwus  eat  what  is  sot  before 
them,  and  don't  ask  enny  phoolish  questions.  The 
Swine  kan  be  larnt  a  great  menny  amusing  things,  sich 
az  highsting  the  front  gate  oph  from  the  hinges,  and  find- 
ing a  hole  in  the  fence  to  git  into  the  cornfield,  but  it  iz 
dredful  hard  work  for  them  tew  find  the  same  hole  tew 
git  out  at,  espeshily  if  yu  are  in  a  hurry  to  hav  them. 
This  haz  never  bin  fully  explained,  but  speaks  vollums 
for  the  swine.  Swine  can  all  root  well,  a  swine  that  kant 
root  well,  iz  a  poor  job. 


HINTS  TEW  YUNG  HUSBANDS. 
i.  Marriage  iz  a  fair  transackshun  on  the  face  of  it. 


2.  Sum  marry  for  buty,  and  never  diskover  their  mis- 
take ;  this  iz  lucky. 

o 

3.  Sum  marry  for  pedigree  and  feel  big  for  six  months, 
and  then  cum  tew  the  conklusion,  that  pedigree  aint  no 
better  than  skim-milk. 


4.  Sum  marry  tew  pleaze  their  relashuns  and  are  sur- 
prized that  their  relashuns  don't  kare  a  cuss  for  them 
afterwards. 


5.  Marry  Yung !  —  thare  iz  but  one  good  excuse  for  a 
marriage  late  in  life,  and  that  iz, —  a  seckond  marriage. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1871, 


.a 


>    3 


o» 


Dear  girls  and  boys,  take  mi  advice ', 
And  don*  t  go  on  the  rotten  ice  ; 
For  many  a  gal  has  fell  chuck  in> 
And  thus  has  ketched  her  final  ducking. 


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History. 


Streaks  ov  wind 
TUhaul  in  yure 

close  line  £  9 
ifrwindy  $  n 

de  gustibus  non 
et  cetera  6  t 

Hjtskey  overkastf 
ignorance  iz  bliss  $ 

£  bring  out  yure 
geese  £  $  ^ 

A  cold  wind^f 
and  let  them  March 
windy  windness 
§  use  Higinbottoms 
pills^  $  Til 
$  wet  rain  K 
they  are  az  mild 

az  a  juice  harp© 
John  Rogers  died 

1683  **fe 
.raw  *«0;v  wind  9 
he  fell  in  the 

fire  H  $  X 
^  6*  now  tap  for 

maple  sugar  0 
yft  hi  winds  ©  n 
§  life  iz  uncertain^! 


CAPER  SAUCE. 


Natur  never  makes  enny  blun- 
ders ;  when  she  makes  a  phool, 
she  means  it. 


Thare  iz  sum  pholks  in  this 
world  who  spend  their  whole  lives 
a  hunting  after  righteousness,  and 
kant  find  enny  time  tew  praktiss 
it. 

Human  happiness  iz  like  the 
Hottentot  language,  enny  boddy 
kan  talk  it  well  enuff,  but  thare 
aint  but  phew  kan  understand  it. 

Grate  transgreshuns  seem  tew 
baptize  themselfs,  —  if  the  Devil 
had  only  bin  gilty  ov  pettit  lar- 
ceny, he  never  would  hav  bin 
heard  ov  agin. 


I  dont  kno  ov  enny  thing  more 
remorseless,  on  the  face  ov  the 
earth,  than  7  per  cent  interest. 


THE  GRITTY  ANGLEWORM. 

Angleworms  are  ov  earth,  earthy,  and  crawl  for  a  liv- 
ing. The  angleworm,  tho  full  of  grit,  iz  not  quarrelsome. 
It  is  sed  (by  naturalists)  that  angleworm  ile,  rubbed  on 
the  back  ov  the  neck  will  cure  a  man  ov  lieing.  I  don't 
beleave  this,  unless  it  kills  the  man.  Death  is  the  only 
safe  cure  (that  haz  bin  diskovered  yet)  for  the  falssehood 
disseaze.  Angleworms  are  used  by  sum  people  az  an 
artikle  ov  diet  —  (to  ketch  fish  with).  They  are  handy 
tew  put  onto  a  hook,  and  are  dredful  handy  tew  take  oph 
agin,  az  every  wicked  person  knows  who  haz  fished  all 
day  Sunday  for  daice  in  a  mill-pond. 


HOUSEKEEPER'S  GUIDE. 

To  make  boarding-house  hash,  take  a  little  ov  every 
thing,  a  good  deal  ov  nothing,  and  throw  in  a  chunk  ov 
sumthing  ;  jam  to  a  mux,  cook  over  a  kold  fire,  season 
with  hair  pins,  and  sarve  it  up  on  the  jump. 


To  bring  up  a  child  in  the  way  he  should  go,  travel 
that  way  yourself  once  in  a  while. 


To  find  the  solid  contents  ov  a  mule's  hind  legg,  feel  ov 
it  clussly. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1871. 


i 

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,£ 

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o> 


April  phool  waz  born  this  month, 
A  simpleton ,  £«/  clever  ; 

And  tho  4000  years  ov  age, 

He's  just  az  big  a  phool  az  ever. 


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History. 


SHRIMPS. 


i  Liquid  rain.  $ 
The  violet  iz 
blew  %     showery  £ 
hark!  tis  the 

noble  bull 
frog's  voice  J£t  TTj, 
wet  %  ©  jews 

harps  diskovered 

&r  1296  § 

now  plant 
gardin  sass^,® 
0  Cupid  born  95 
look  out 
for  some 

wetness  £,  0 
Cupid  is  a  lytle 

CUSSI& 

set  out  onions$( 
sumwhat  wetty® 

2  now  hath  the 
winter  of  our  dis- 

kontent  ^gentle 
showers  Y3  finally- 
thawed  out^  look 
out  for  rain  8  no 
kardsntzV  duz  rain 
If  Daniel  Lambert 
was  very 

phatt  SI 


A  man  with  a  very  small  head 
iz  like  a  pin  without  enny,  very 
apt  tew  git  into  things  beyond  hiz 
depth. 

Thare  are  menny  people  in  this 
world  who  are  like  flies,  grate 
bores  without  meaning  it,  or  know- 
ing it,  —  "  shoo  fly." 

Falling  in  luv  iz  like  falling  into 
molassis,  sweet  but  dredful  dobby. 

When  i  see  an  old  man  marry  a 
yung  wife,  i  consider  him  starting 
out  on  a  bust,  for  i  am  reminded 
ov  the  parable  about  mixing  nu 
wine  into  old  junk  bottles. 

A  lie  iz  like  nitroglycerine,  the 
best  judges  kant  tell  when  it  iz  a 
going  tew  explode,  and  skatter  a 
muss. 


THE  BELLYCOSE  GOAT. 

The  Goat  iz  a  coarse  wollen  sheep,  with  a  cracked 
voice  and  a  sanguine  digestion.  They  had  rather  steal  a 
rotten  turnip  out  ov  a  garbage  barrell  than  cum  honestly 
bi  a  peck  ov  oats.  They  strike  from  the  hed  insted  ov 
the  shoulder,  and  are  az  likely  tew  hit  the  mark  az  a 
bumblebee  iz.  They  are  faithfull  kritters  in  the  hour  ov 
adversity,  and  will  stick  tew  a  man  az  long  az  he  lives  in 
a  shanty.  They  kan  klimb  evrything  but  a  greased  pole, 
and  are  alwus  poor  in  the  boddy,  but  phatt  in  the  stum- 
mak.  What  they  eat  seems  tew  all  go  tew  appetight. 
A  phatt  Goat  would  be  a  literary  curiosity. 


PREMIUMS. 

Awarded  to  Velosipede  Riders  in  1870. 

To  Abram  Parsons,  a  premium  ov  2>ik  dollar  for  rid- 
ing a  velosipede  down  the  back  stairs  ov  a  gimnazium, 
and  knocking  out  18  ov  hiz  front  teeth,  and  distorting 
hiz  noze. 

o 

To  Nimrod  Sturgiss,  a  copper  medal  with  9  dollars,  and 
a  nu  pair  ov  dorg  skin  gloves,  for  riding  a  velosipede  into 
a  mill-pond,  and  gitting  drowned. 


To  Marshall  Peaboddy  Smith,  a  puss  ov  2  dollars,  and 
a  life  membership  in  the  mackerel  club,  for  riding  a  vel- 
osipede over  a  nu  milch  cow,  and  splitting  a  telegraph 
pole  from  tbp  tew  bottom. 


31  Days, 


MAY. 


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Now  plant  oats  and  gar  din  sass, 
Yoke  geese ;  and  black  snakes  kill; 

Set  hens  ;  set  traps  for  thieving  rats  ; 
Set  what  you  please,  but  don't  set  still. 


1871. 


crq 


£) 


*    $ 


History. 


PICKLED    TONGUE. 


4»  Dandy  lions  in 

market  $  Soft 
and  bar  my  ^  who 

will  be  queen  6 
#n  of  May© 
mildzz  it  is  hard 

to  tell  [?]  2 
$^s  Job  waz  a 

pashunt  man 
refreshing  wetTL 

A  now  ketch  frogs 
warm  wetness® 
Job  had  biles  $  more 
warmy%   tax 
collektors 

loafing 
around  ©  now 

chew  lettuce  ©  hot 
2  with  rainVl 
pole  yuer  beans  X 

fi  Noah  Webster 
waz  a  good  speller 
V  sudden  rain  $ 

iti^he  had  bet- 
ter spells  than 
Billings  T  expekt 

rain  sprinkles 
go  in  when  it 

rains  n 


The  man  who  kant  find  enny 
thing  to  do  in  this  world,  iz  az  bad 
oph  az  a  yerling  heifer. 


I  luv  tew  see  an  old  person  joy- 
full  but  not  kickuptheheelsfull. 


Don't  lay  enny  certain  plans 
for  the  fewter,  it  iz  like  planting 
tuds  and  expekting  tew  raize  tud- 
stools. 


Thare  iz  no  pashun  ov  the 
human  harte,  that  promises  so 
mutch,  and  pays  so  little  az  re- 
venge. 

Thoze  persons  who  spend  all 
their  time  watching  their  simp- 
toms,  are  the  kind  who  enjoy  poor 
health. 


THE  MELODIUS  CAT. 

The  cat  hath  been  called  a  domestik  animile  but  i 
never  could  tell  whyfore.  All  thare  iz  domestix  about  a 
cat  iz,  yu  kant  loze  one  ;  they  are  as  tuff  to  loze  az  a  bad 
reputashun  iz.  Yu  may  send  one  out  ov  the  state  done 
up  neatly  in  a  meal-bag,  and  the  next  morning  yu  will 
find  him  along  side  ov  the  kitchen  stove  reddy  tew  be 
stepped  on.  They  are  az  solium  az  Mozes,  but  az  phull 
ov  the  devil  as  Judas  Iskariott  Esq.  Thare  iz  only  one 
thing  about  a  cat  that  i  like,  and  that  iz,  they  are  very 
reasonable  ;  a  little  money,  well  put,  will  go  a  grate  way 
in  cats.  Cats  are  very  plenty  in  this  world  just  now.  I 
counted  18  from  mi  boarding  house  windo,  one  moon 
lite  nite  last  summer,  and  it  want  the  best  kind  ov  a 
nite  for  cats  neither. 


FAMILY  NO  SHUNS. 

To  pick   out   a   tender  goose,  pinch  him,  and  if  he 
squeals,  buy  him. 


To  make  good  sharp  pickles,  whittle  oph  both  ends  ov 
them  tew  a  pint. 

o 

To  find  how  fur  a  frog  kan  jump,  set  a  Frenchman  to 
meazureing  hiz  jumps. 


To  git  the  afFectashun  out  ov  a  man,  make  him  sea 
sick,  (when  a  man  iz  sea  sick  he  iz  inclined  tew  thro 
up  all  phoolish  things). 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


a 


In  this  month,  more  than  all  the  rest, 
Thingz  seem  tew  jump  their  very  best ; 
Carrots  and  yungones,  purp  and  kitten, 
Like  yoner's  gourd,  are  up,  and gittin. 


187L 

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History. 


PARSNIP  STEW. 


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^Now  hunt 

for  rozes^ 
warm  hotness\(5 
ip  the  grasshopper 
iz  a  burden^ 
O  muggy  wetness 
natur  grows  $  ^ 

%hotV\, 
||let  her  grow* 

now  0  ho  korn)$ 
wet  sighns  8 

21  ov  more  rain 
more  grasshoppers 
bornf^i  bet  10 
dollars  it  will 
rain  $ 
pride  goes  ©  before 
a  fallfi  * 

££©  exquisite 
rainXf  Jack  and 
Gill  went  up 

the 
hill  ft  1357  T  8 

$  hotter  c& 
Jack  A  and  Gill 
cum  down 
the  hill  1358© 
©now  take  it 

eazyf 


A  kicking  cow  never  lets  drive 
until  just  as  the  pail  gets  phull,  — 
it  iz  jiss  so  with  sum  mens  blun- 
ders. 


Whenever  a  minister  haz 
preached  a  sermon  that  pleazes 
the  whole  congregashun,  he  prob- 
ably haz  preached  one  that  the 
Lord  wont  endorse. 


It  aint  mutch  trubble  tew  bear 
the  pain  ov  sumboddy  else's  lame 
back,  but  tew  hav  the  lame  back 
onesself  aint  quite  so  stylish. 


The  man  who  wont  beleave 
enny  thing  he  kant  see,  aint  so 
wize  az  a  mule,  for  they  will  kick 
at  a  thing  in  the  dark. 


THE  BRINY  CODFISH. 


The  codfish  iz  the  fruit  ov  the  oshun,  which  accounts 
for  their  being  so  salt.  They  are  good  eating  for  a  wet 
day ;  they  are  better  than  an  umbreller  to  keep  a  man 
dry.  They  want  a  good  deal  ov  freshning  before  they  are 
eaten,  and  want  freshning  a  good  deal  afterwards. 

If  i  can  have  plenty  ov  codfish  for  breakfast,  i  can  gen- 
erally manage  tew  make  the  other  two  meals  out  of  cold 
water. 


[A  dvertisement.] 

MELKISIDEK  BREWSTERS  LIGHTNING  ROD. 

For  drawing  lightning,  theze  rods  hav  grate  strength 
and  endurance. 

They  will  draw  litening  from  the  uttermost  parts  ov  the 
earth,  or  pull  it  in  two. 

Yu  may  bury  one  of  theze  rods  10  foot  under  ground, 
and  litening  will  hunt  till  it  finds  it. 

Yu  mite  az  well  undertake  tew  eskape  natral  deth,  or 
a  constable's  warrent,  az  tew  eskape  litening  with  one  ov 
theze  rods  ov  yure  house. 

Buy  one  ov  Melkisidek's  rods,  and  if  yu  haint  got  enny 
house  tew  put  it  on,  you  kan  set  it  up  at  the  forks  ov  the 
road,  and  steal  all  the  litening  in  the  naberhood. 


JULY 


1871. 


C 


Hornets  now  are  on  the  wing, 
Red  hot,  and  crazy  for  to  sting  : 
Oh,  don't  go  ni  the  tamal  kritters  ! 
For  they  are  sure,  and ftizon  hitters. 


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History. 


6  Ice  iz   king 
,£<?/  and  warm  °f> 
Sampson  waz  a 
strong  man  v<?ry  ^0/ 
he  could  lift  a 

tong         hotter  Q 
with   hiz 

little  finger  ip 
f  £0/  increases^ 
now  beg  for 

ice  cream 
^thunder  shower 
in  the  west® 

$,  the  goose  iz  not 
a  game  bird  f 

hotness&£?  mad 
dorgs  around  4  Hie- 
ing hot  8  Noah 

had  three  sons 
thunder  and   5$  £ 
5  litening^f 

\3Noah 
owned  the  ark^T 
much  hot  $  in 

£  Adam's  fall 
$  we  sinned  all  <f 
Yew  bet,  8  Andy- 
Johnson  waz  a 
Taylor®  *} 


GREEN  GOOSE. 


Every  time  a  man  laffs  he  takes 
a  kink  out  ov  the  chain  ov  life, 
and  thus  lengthens  it. 

Three  skore  years  and  ten  iz 
mans  furlo,  and  it  iz  enuff,  —  if  a 
man  kant  suffer  all  the  mizery  he 
wants  in  that  time  he  must  be 
numb. 

A  crowing  hen,  and  a  cackling 
rooster,  are  very  misfortunate 
poultry  in  a  family. 

CjOO 

Man  iz  mi  brother,  and  i  kon- 
sider  that  i  am  nearer  related  tew 
him  through  hiz  vices,  than  i  am 
through  hiz  virtews. 

We  should  not  forgit  one  thing 
—  thare  iz  not  a  sure  thing  on  this 
footstool,  —  even  the  best  tooth 
in  our  head  may  fall  tew  akeing 
before  sunset  and  hav  tew  be 
jerked  out. 


THE  FREQUENT  FLY. 

The  fly  iz  not  only  a  domestik  critter,  but  a  friendly 
one.  How  they  git  born  i  don't  kno,  but  i  hav  thought 
they  didn't  wait  tew  be  born,  but  come  just  az  they  am. 
Menny  ov  them  are  cut  off  in  the  flower  of  their  youth, 
and  usefulness.  Sum  loze  their  lives  by  lighting  too  near 
the  rim  ov  a  toad's  mouth,  and  fall  in  when  the  toad  gaps. 
Thousands  find  a  watery  grave,  bi  gitting  drowned, —  in 
milk-cans.  Flys  morally  considered  are  like  other  hu- 
man beings,  they  wont  light  on  a  good  helthy  spot  in  a 
man,  not  if  they  can  find  a  place  that  iz  a  little  raw.  I 
beleave  they  are  ov  temprate  habits,  and  altho  they  hang 
around  grocerys  a  good  deal,  i  never  see  a  fly  the  wuss 
for  liquor,  but  i  hav  often  seen  liquor,  that  waz  a  good 
deal  the  wuss  for  flys. 


WANTED. 

Wanted,  several  fust  class  yung  men,  with  mustash,  tew 
hang  around  the  vestibules  ov  the  different  churches  in 
amerika,  and  stare  at  the  females  az  they  pass  out. 

Yung  men  who  understand  the  use  ov  tobacco  pre- 
fered. 

No  yung  men  accepted  who  kant  stare  the  brass  but- 
tons oph  from  a  military  coat,  at  twenty  paces. 

This  iz  a  rare  chance  for  yung  men  ov  real  genius. 

Salary  payable  weekly. 

References  exchanged. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1871. 


£    A. 


c^ 


All  nature  bileth. 

Roosters  pant  and  so  do  lizzards  ; 
The  mules  upon  the  dusty  road 

ICan't  raise  a  trot,  to  save  their  gizzards. 


g±      X 


History. 


GIBLETS. 


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warm  with\S 
£  hot  streaks 
Jack 

the  giant  killer  n 
much  hotnessfa 

8  killed  a  giant 

\2$O%l00k  OUt 

for  a  grate  hot  T 

the  giant  waz  25 
foot  square  $  0 
hot    $  I£  ©in 

his  stocking  feet 
cooler "rii  oh  for 

a  lodge  in 
sum  vast  woods 
thunder  and® 

(©  liteninges\ 
on  a  straw  mat- 
rass %  more 

^hotter  $  now 
dig  for  mint 

juleps  £ 
gigantik  rain%&* 

©let  her  drizzle 
very  heaty  °f>  Jg. 
meazles  diskovered 

&1600  ©  hot 
snakes  lively© my 
name  iz 

NorvalU 


Lazyness  iz  a  good  deal  like 
money,  —  the  more  a  man  haz  ov 
it  the  more  he  seems  tew  want. 


It  iz  hard  work  at  fust  sights  tew 
see  the  wisdom  in  a  rattle  snake 
bite,  but  thare  are  thousand  ov 
folks  who  never  think  ov  their  sins 
until  they  are  bit  bi  a  rattlesnake. 


"  A  poor,  but  dishonest  cuss  ! " 
—  this  iz  about  az  low  down  az 
enny  man  kan  get,  unless  he  drinks 
whiskee. 


Living  on  hope  iz  like  living  on 
wind,  a  good  way  tew  git  phull 
but  a  poor  way  tew  git  phatt. 


It  iz  human  tew  err,  - 
lish  tew  brag  on  it. 


-  but  dev- 


THE  READDY  BOOSTER. 

Roosters  are  the  pugilists  among  birds,  and  having  no 
suitable  shoulder  tew  strike  from,  they  strike  from  the 
heel.  When  a  rooster  gits  whipped  the  hens  all  march 
off  with  the  other  rooster  if  he  aint  naff  so  big,  or  so  han- 
sum.  It  is  pluck  that  wins  a  hen.  Roosters  az  a  class 
wont  do  enny  household  work ;  yu  kant  git  a  rooster  tew 
pay  enny  attenshun  tew  a  yungone.  They  spend  most 
ov  their  time  in  crowing  and  strutting,  and  once  in  a 
while  they  find  a  worm,  which  they  make  a  grate  fuss 
over,  calling  their  wives  up  from  a  distance,  apparently 
tew  treat  them,  but  jist  az  the  hens  git  thare,  this  elegant 
cuss  bends  over,  and  gobbles  up  the  worm. 

Jist  like  a  man  for  all  the  world ! 


HOUSEHOLD  COMFORTS. 

Tew  git  rid  ov  cockroaches,  —  sell  yure  house,  and  lot, 
and  flee  tew  the  mountains. 


Tew  make  a  slapjax  that  will  do  grate  service,  —  cut  it 
out  ov  buckskin,  and  fri  it  tew  a  koal  black  on  a  grease- 
less  griddle. 

o 

Tew  pick  out  a  good  husband !  —  shut  up  both  eyes, 
grab  hard,  and  trust  in  the  Lord. 


Tew  make  a  kat  mad,  —  trod  on  her  continuashun. 


1 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


o> 


1871. 


The  carrion  crow  sits  straddle  the  fence, 
Trying  az  hard  az  he  can  to  weep, 

Az  he  thinks  ov  death  and  its  consequence 
To  spavined  hosses  and  rickety  sheep. 


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History. 


ZZ  Exquisit  and 

soft  wind 
melts  U  angels 
seen  bi 

moonlite 
fragrant  show-  ? 
ersX  fust  poet 
born  642  8  limpid 
tenderness® 
cam  and  cool% 
stars  twitter  S 

$  azure  twilight 
wind  sow  bi  sow 

west  plovers 
meet^ 
Jfrsoft  showers^ 

and  kiss  Q  harvest 
yure  pumpkins  f 

<^s>slick  weather 
hark!  from  the 

tombs  a  doleful 
sound  %soft  wind 
Tom  Corwin 
waz  a  wagon 

boy© 
tender  windses\ 
$  on  linden 

when  the 
sun  0  waz  low 


CRANBERRY  SAUS. 


Love  is  like  the  meazles,  we 
karit  hav  it  bad  but  once,  and  the 
later  in  life  we  hav  it  the  tufler  it 
goes  with  us. 


The  miser  who  heaps  up  gains 
tew  gloat  over,  iz  like  a  hog  in  a 
pen,  fatted  for  a  show. 


Most  every  one  seems  tew  be 
willing  to  be  a  phool  himself,  bu 
he  kant  bear  to  have  enny  boddy 
else  one. 


The  man    who  haint   got    an 
enemy,  iz  really  poor. 


Advise  iz  like  kastor  ile,  eazy 
enufT  to  giv,  but  dredful  uneazy 
tew  take. 


*TIIE  DOOCED  MONKEY. 

The  monkey  iz  only  valuable  tew  look  at,  and  wonder 
what  in  thunder  he  iz  a  going  tew  do  next  He  haz  not 
got  a  Webster  head,  but  hiz  face  iz  a  biled  down  dew 
drop  ov  malishus  cunning.  He  resembles  the  skey  ter- 
rier in  the  bild  ov  hiz  features,  and  skratches  his  head  az 
natral  az  the  school  boy,  —  and  probably  for  similar  rea- 
sons. They  are  sumtimes  kept  az  pets,  but  if  enny  boddy 
should  pet  me  with  a  monkey,  i  should  send  him  right 
back  bi  the  same  person  who  brought  him,  marked  with 
Baldwin  The  Clothiers  trademark,  —  C.  O.  D. 


KONNEKTIKUT  BLEW  LA  WS. 

i.  No  man  must  chu  enny  tobbacko  on  the  sabbath 
day  unless  he  goes  down  cellar  and  duz  it. 


2.  No  yung  woman  haz  a  right  tew  be  had  in  matri- 
mony unless  she  kan  make  a  good  doe  nut  out  ov  rhy 
bran,  and  one  that  will  keep  a  year  in  a  damp  place, 
without  loseing  its  twist. 


3.  If  a  man  gits  drunk,  he  must  git  drunk  on  Nu  Eng- 
land rum. 


4.  No  man  shall  be  entitled  tew  work  on  the  road,  or 
set  on  the  jury,  who  aint  handy  with  the  10  command- 
ments. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1871. 


01  f 


Sweet  cider  now,  and  pun  kin  pize, 

And  maidens  fair,  and  doughnuts  greasy . 

Who  wouldn't  be  a  farmer's  boy, 
So  phull  ov  phun,  so  free  and  eazy  ? 


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History. 


Gentle  frost £ 
%  cider  invented 

1536  0  sighns 
ov  snow  ©  wind  £ 
shifty  t?  it  may 
snow,  and  it  may 

not  A  calm 
coldness  □  now 
potatoes  diglgwind 
8  nor  by 

nor  west  ? 
If  David  slewed 

Goliar 
cooler  ©  with  a 
small  rock  $  hens 
begin  to  layX 
snow  squads  <£,  fold 
J£lf  let  it  squall 
who  cares  6 

U  $  Eve  waz  the 
first  woman Y3 
raw  cold  S  © 
who  fooled 

her  man 
sharp  frost '& 
TT£down  with  A 

Q  the  taxes  8 


BEEFSTAKE   AND    ONIONS. 


Thare  aint  but  phu  men  who 
kan  stick  a  white  hankerchief  into 
the  brest  pocket  ov  their  overcut 
without  letting  a  leetle  ov  it  stick 
out,  — just  bi  acksident. 


A  cheerful  old  yian,  or  old 
woman,  iz  like  the  ,outh  side  ov 
a  wood  shed,  in  the  last  ov  win- 
ter. 

Men  mourn  for  what  they  hav 
lost,  wimmin  for  what  they  hain't 
got. 

It  iz  very  eazy  tew  repent  ov 
sins  we  hav  committed,  but  to  re- 
pent ov  thoze  we  intend  tew  com- 
mit, iz  asking  too  mutch  ov  enny 
man  theze  days. 


Pitty  costs  nothing,  ■ 
wuth  nothing. 


-and  aint 


THE  LOAFING  RACOON. 

The  Raccon  iz  a  native  amerikan.  His  family  con- 
sists ov  one  wife,  and  three  children,  who  liv  with  him  on 
the  inside  ov  a  tree.  During  the  winter  he  ties  himself 
up  in  a  hard  knot,  and  lays  down  bi  hiz  fire  side.  When 
spring  opens,  he  opens  too,  and  goes  out  tew  see  how  the 
chickens  hav  wintered.  I  never  knew  a  raccon  tew 
want  enny  thing  long,  that  he  could  steal  quick.  I  hav 
had  tame  coons  bi  the  dozen,  but  i  dont  advise  enny 
boddy  tew  cultivate  coons  ;  they  want  as  much  waiting  on 
az  a  blind  mule  on  a  tow  path,  and  thare  aint  enny  more 
real  promt  in  them,  than  thare  iz  in  a  stock  dividend,  on 
the  Erie  railroad. 


HOME  DOINGS. 

Tew  freshen  a  salt  mackerel,  —  tow  him  one  summer 
behind  a  steam  bote. 


Tew  make  a  man  good  mad,  —  starch  hiz  stockings 
a  leetle  too  stiff. 


Tew  be  one   ov  the  "  oldest  inhabitants"  remember 
very  well,  when  yung  Nebudkenezzer  waz  a  babe. 


Tew  be  happy,  —  eat  molasses,  and  swing  on  a  gate. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1871. 


o 


.a 


a 


The  bullfrog  haz  hung  up  hiz  fiddle, 
The  bug  and  the  cricket  are  still '/' 

No  more  can  be  heard  in  the  marshes, 
The  musket o  fileing  hiz  bill. 


0  » 


O      V3 


History. 


SLAP  JACKS. 


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Sour  andQ 

(£§f  sadv\ 
grate  skassity  ov 

grasshoppers  5 
sour  and  A  © 
chillyx? 

Brigham  Young 
born  18189 
coldQ  Brigham 
was  a  youngster  % 
snow  on  the 

mountains 
Tin  time  of 
peace 

prepare  for 
war© 

raw  rain  ®  Q 
T  now  lay  in 

a  bad  cold  0 
for  winter  A 

If  it  snows  £ 
the  festive 
cockroach 
haz  fled  6 

O  winter  draws 
ni  £  cold  and 
clammy1^,     kats 
swell  with 

crossness  A  5? 


A  dog  iz  the  only  thing  on  this 
earth  that  luvs  yu  more  than  he 
luvs  himself. 


Lies  are  like  illegitimate  chil- 
dren, liable  to  call  a  man  Father  I 
when  he  least  expekts  it. 


A  gentleman  iz  a  gentleman  the 
world  over, —  it  iz  only  the  loafers 
that  differ. 

What  men  kant  do  they  are 
very  apt  tew  admire,  —  they  dont 
criticize  a  mountain  bekause  they 
kant  make  one. 


Sekrets  are  cussid  poor  proper- 
ty enny  how ;  if  yu  cirkulate  them 
yu  loze  them,  and  if  yu  keep  them 
yu  loze  the  interest  on  the  invest- 
ment. 


THE  THOUGHTFUL  FOX. 

The  Fox  iz  a  literary  bird ;  he  waz  a  genius  long  before 
akedemick  honors  flourished ;  he  waz  a  poet,  skoller,  and 
sage,  before  the  days  ov  Homer  and  Herodotus ;  and  in 
our  times  he  iz  the  Ben  Butler  ov  diplomacy,  and  the 
Brigham  Yung  ov  matrimonial  ethicks.  The  fox  haz  no 
moral  honesty  but  he  haz  got  a  grate  supply  of  politikal 
honesty.  If  another  Fox  in  hiz  parish  wants  a  good  phatt 
goose,  he  will  work  hard  tew  git  him  the  goose,  and  hav- 
ing cleaned  the  meat  all  oph  from  the  subburbs  ov  the 
goose,  giv  hiz  politikal  friend  the  bones,  telling  him  with  a 
smile  in  hiz  eye,  "that  every  thing  iz  lovely  and  the  goose 
hangs  hi" 


[A  dvertisement.] 

MADAM  FILKINS  LIQUOR  FOR 
BABES. 


Cures  hooping  coff,  meazels,  pane  in  the  side,  mumps, 
teething,  cancer,  rickets,  redgum,  and  bawling. 

Cures  gout,  hang  nails,  wont  go  tew  sleep,  stummak 
ake,  and  want  every  thing  they  see.  ^ 

Removes  warts,  wens,  wigglings,  an  wizenface. 

Mothers  lament  for  Madam  Filkins  liquor  for  babes. 

Babes  bawl  for  it. 

Nurses  pray  for  it. 

Fathers  buy  it  bi  the  barrell. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


9 


O1 


iV^w  kil pigs  and  bucher  hens, 

Murder  geese  and  ducks  that  quack, 

Chop  down  wood,  and  sassage  make, 
And  evenings  play  —  Hylojack. 


1871. 


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History. 


#11871  haz 

about  pegged 

out  SI 
bitter  cold®  6 
^Horner  waz  a 

good  poet 
eggs  dredful 
uncommon^ 
grate  sno  stormVJl 
$  Congress  iz  a 
sitting  §  &s 
coldz?  but  don't 
thatch  out  enny- 

thing  g  wind 
north  $g* 
beware  of  false 
proffits     ice  iz 

from  12  inches  to 
afoot  thickv\,  g 
Soloman  waz  a 
smart  mana 
$  sighns  ov  a  thaw 
he  waz  a  good 
judge  ov  the  sex© 
colder  ^the 

year  drops  its 
curtain  5  the  wind 
moans  X  farewell 
my  countrymen  ip 


OYSTER  PADDYS. 


One  ov  the  fussyest  scenes  i 
ever  beheld  waz  two  old  maids 
waiting  on  one  sick  bachelor. 


Revenge  iz  just  az  natral  to 
flow  az  milk,  —  yu  will  see  little 
boys  club  the  post  that  they  bump 
their  head  against. 


Opinyuns  are  like  turnips,  worth 
just  what  they  will  fetch. 


Courage  without  discreshun,  iz 
like  a  ram  with  horns  on  both 
ends,  he  will  hav  more  fights  on 
hand,  than  he  kan  do  justiss  to. 


When  yu  find  a  man  who  iz 
very  solisitus  about  the  welfare  ov 
everyboddy,  yu  kan  safely  put  him 
down  az  one  who  iz  hunting  for  a 
misfortune. 


KALKULASHUNS  OVA  PR00N08TIX 
NATUE. 

Whenever  yu  see  a  flok  ov  geese  all  standing  on  one 
leg,  except  the  old  gander,  and  he  chawing  hiz  cud,  look 
out  for  a  south-west  wind  tewmorow,  or  the  next  day,  or 
the  day  after,  or  at  sum  fewter  time. 

Should  thare  be  cold  weather  during  Febuary,  and 
should  roosters  refuse  to  crow,  and  the  taxgatherer  forgit 
tew  call  on  yu,  yu  will  hav  tew  trust  in  Providence,  and 
go  it  blind,  for  thare  aint  no  man  kan  prognostix  what 
will  cum  next. 

Whenever  dogs  are  seen  travelling  around  with  nothing 
to  do  and  old  maids  refuse  their  tea,  and  hop  vines  wont 
klimb,  and  grind  stuns  wont  grind,  then  yu  may  expekt  a 
lite  crop  ov  oats,  and  beans  wont  pay  for  harvesting. 

If  the  sun  rizes  in  the  east,  and  sets  in  the  west,  and 
the  bull  frogs  sings  sams  in  the  marshes,  and  thare  aint 
no  pulling  hair  in  the  family  circle,  things  are  about  az 
near  right  az  yu  can  git  them. 

Should  there  be  no  dew  on  the  grass,  in  the  morning 
before  sunrise,  it  iz  an  infallible  prognostix,  that  thare 
didn't  enny  dew  fall. 

Whenever  yu  see  two  crows  on  the  railfence,  one  white 
and  the  other  black,  edgeing  up  to  each  other,  look  out 
for  a  nigger  in  the  wood  pile. 


flc<3  UHClEdS  l 

n 


/%A  f  /z.. /$£o    Vma-G    (TV  a. 

MARVIN'S 

ALUM   PATENT 

STEAM  SAFES. 

ST  STANDARD   OF  THE  WORLD. 


265  BROADWAY,   N.  Y. 
627  CHESTNUT  ST.,  PHIL  A. 


/6  0  5 ' ,    Ajl.    ^c^C^u^^ ?  a^^^L   bosuns, 
tn^^t    Jul      cLcr^t  C  /  /      /£o—z?  S*  «€  //^»l 

6IFF0RD,  SHERMAN  &  INNIS, 

IMPORTERS  &  MANUFACTURERS 

OP 

Dye  Stuffs,  Drugs,  and  Chemicals, 

No.    120    WILLIAM    ST., 

NEW  YORK. 


FACTORIES  :— PO'KEEPSIE,  N.  Y. 


THE    TWELVE   SIGHNS 


BILLINGS'    ALLMINAX. 


[This  being:  Leap  Year  the  sig-hns  of  the  Zodlak  are  all  on 
the  rampage.] 


A ries.      <f 


Pisces.      X 

Altho  the  sighns  ov  the  Billings  Zodiak  are  all  on  the  jump 
this  year,  we  beg  leaf  tew  state,  that  thare  iz  no  kauze  for 
alarm.  Once  in  four  years  this  frolik  occurs,  and  iz  sed  by  the 
doktors  to  be  necessary  for  their  helth. 


LETTER   TO  FARMERS. 

Beloved  Farmers  : 

Agrikultur  iz  the  mother  ov  farm  produce ;  she  iz  also 
the  step-mother  ov  gardin  sass. 

Rize  at  haff  past  2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  bild  up  a 
big  fire  in  the  kitchen,  burn  out  two  pounds  ov  kandels, 
and  grease  yure  boots. 

Wait  pashuntly  for  da  brake.  When  day  duz  brake, 
then  commense  tew  stir  up  the  geese  and  worry  the  hogs. 

Too  mutch  sleep  iz  ruinous  tew  geese  and  tew  hogs. 
Remember  yu  kant  git  ritch  on  a  farm,  unless  yu  rize  at 
2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  stir  up  the  hogs  and 
worry  the  geese. 

The  happyest  man  in  the  world  iz  the  farmer ;  he  rizes 
at  2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  he  watches  for  da  lite  tew 
brake,  and  when  she  duz  brake,  he  goes  out  and  stirs  up 
the  geese  and  worrys  the  hogs. 

What  iz  a  lawyer  ? — What  iz  a  merchant  ? — What  iz  a 
doktor  ? — What  iz  a  minister  ? — I  answer,  nothing  ! 

A  farmer  iz  the  nobless  work  ov  God ;  he  rizes  at  2 

o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  burns  out  a  haff  a  pound  dv 

wood  and  two  kords  ov  kandels,  and  then  goes  out  tew 

worry  the  geese  and  stir  up  the  hogs. 

Beloved  farmers,  adew. 

Josh  Billings. 


EXTRAET  0  V  LETTERS. 

Fredom  Senter,  Nov.  17  th,  1870. 
Friend  Billings: 

Thi  Allmanax  for  187 1  waz  good  for  the  flesh,  az  well 
az  for  the  soul  ov  man ;  it  fatted  me  distinktly  on  the 
ribs.     /  remane  thine.  Obadiah  Broadbrim. 


Mr.  Billings  : 

We  shall  hereafter  embody  yure  Allmanaxes  in  our 
journal.  Editor  of  London  Athaneum. 


Dear  Josh  Billings  : 

Enklosed  in  this  letter,  yu  will  find  1 7  cents  for  one 
allmanaxt  \  i  am  poor,  and  this  iz  all  the  money  i  hav 
got,  and  i  haint  got  no  live  mother. 

Charley  Briggs,  Jun. 


Klamburgh,  Oktober  30,  1870. 
Dear  Misser  Josh  : 

The  lor  bles  yuse,  and  yuse  allmanaksts  for  187 1  ;  it 
made  dis  chile  perspire  gratuitussly  wid  bliss. 

Yure  cullud  person  friend,  Josepheen  Johnsing. 


Miste.r  Joshua  Billings  : 

I  hav  both  ov  yure  2  allmanaxes  for  1870  and  187 1, 
and  wish  yu  would  send  me  bi  the  barrow  yure  allman- 
axes for  1872  and  1873  an^  x^74>  exklusive.  I  will 
emit  the  munny  in  a  fu  daze.  No  more  now  from  yure 
loveing  friend,  Jerusha  Sheldon,  dauter  ov  widdo  Sheldon, 
near  Spraker's  Mill,  on  the  Coshokton  pike. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  JANUARY. 

The  yung  gentleman  born  this  month  will  remane  a 
bachelor  untill  hiz  16  year,  and  will  hav  kurly  hair.  He 
will  finally  settle  down  still,  and  marry  for  life.  Hiz 
father  will  be  a  grate  lover  ov  phast  horses.  He  will 
liv  tew  be  over  60  years  ov  age,  and  die  worth  about  750 
dollars,  klear  ov  awl  debt. 


The  yung  lady  born  this  month  will  kno  how  tew  pla 
on  the  pianner,  and  nit  worsted.  She  will  be  a  blondy, 
and  be  near  sited,  and  fall  in  luv  with  grate  diffikulty. 
She  will  finally  git  wedded  tew  the  man  she  marrys,  and 
her  whole  life  will  be  eazy.  If  she  marrys  the  seckond 
time  her  husband  will  be  a  dentist  or  an  alderman. 


ADVICE  TEW  YUNG  KLERGYMEN 

Dont  preach  the  gospel  for  less  than  850  dollars  a 
year,  salary  payable  quarterly  in  advance. 

A  congregashun  who  kant  afford  tew  pay  850  dollars 
a  year,  want  a  missionary  more  than  they  do  a  klergy- 
man. 

Be  sure  and  run  the  church  ;  don't  let  the  church  run 
you. 

Az  i  sed  up  at  the  top,  git  az  mutch  ov  yure  salary  az 
possible  in  advance,  for  i  dont  kno  ov  enny  det  so  hard 
tew  kollekt  az  a  minister's  salary,  after  it  once  gits  kold. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1872. 


I 


^    9 
&  •% 


a 


A  stirring  man  iz  nabor  Bush, 
Yu  never  ketched  him  idle ; 

Six  daze  he  works,  and  sundaze  he 
Salts  geese,  and  reads  the  bible. 


o    3J* 

?! 

>  8 

■R    | 


8 

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Kalkulashuns. 


rj  Now  pik  geese  Q 
$  awful 

hold  n  $ 
thou  shalt  not 
commit 
swareing  U 
SI  a  more  sighns 

ov  hold  5$ 
£p  now  bruize  wood 
¥  #  iz  hold  X 
tfi  Jim 
Sheriden 

born  1818  1^ 
;/cw  expekt 

a  thaw  g± 

najim 

waz  a 
fiddler  ^v  * 

©  tliare  are  no 
fiddlers 

in  heaven  © 
Maw  kontinues  * 

in  kase  ov 
doubt,  lead 

trumps  ux 
5$(  M*  thaw  freezes 
l£?now 

mix 
sassigeT^tt 


RAMRODS. 


Revenge  sumtimes  sleeps,  but 
vanity  alwus  keeps  one  I  open. 


Thare  iz  nothing  in  this  world 
that  a  man  pays  so  hi  a  price  for, 
and  gits  so  little  ov  hiz  munny 
back,  as  he  duz  for  Repentance. 


1  hav  finally  cum  tew  the  kon- 
klushun,  if  a  man  kant  be  born 
but  once,  he  had  better  issue  pro- 
posals tew  hav  it  dun  sumwhare 
in  Nu  England. 


The  only  human  being  on  the 
face  ov  this  earth  that  I.  really 
envy,  iz  a  lafhng  Christian. 


Men  ov  little  authority  are  like 
men  ov  little  strength — alwus  anx- 
ious tew  lift  sumthing. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  FEBUARY. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  be  good  looking,  but 
too  mutch  prone  tew  toe  in  when  he  walks.  He  will  hav 
2  wifes,  and  a  small  hand,  except  when  he  plays  whist ; 
then  he  will  hav  a  big  one.  Hiz  fust  wife  will  be  kross- 
eyed,  but  hiz  seckond  one  will  be  kross  all  over.  He 
will  hav  4  children,  who  will  all  pass  through  the  mea- 
zles,  with  grate  credit  tew  themselfs  and  no  disgrace  tew 
the  meazles. 


The  yung  female  born  during  this  month  will  show 
grate  judgement  in  sorting  her  lovers,  and  will  finally 
marry  a  real  estate  agent.  She  will  hav  a  phew  failings ; 
but  who  cares?  she  wouldn't  be  interesting  if  she  didn't. 
At  28  she  will  be  a  widow,  and  at  stated  intervals  will  be 
inklined  tew  gush  a  little.  (For  the  sake  of  variety  we 
say,  let  her  gush.) 


A   GOOD  FAMILY  JOB. 

(To  kure  bed  bugs.) 

Bile  the  bed  bugs  tew  a  gravy ;  then  take  equal  parts 
ov  sassyfrass  rutes  and  mingle  with  the  gravy ;  then  find 
a  hoel  in  the  ground  that  aint  occupied ;  then  pour  the 
gravy  into  the  hoel ;  then  fasten  up  the  hoel  with  2 
pounds  ov  gunpowder ;  then  tutch  off  the  hoel  with  a  10 
foot  poel ;  then  run  like  litening.  If  this  don't  kure  the 
bed  bugs,  and  the  hoel  too,  they  hav  both  got  it  the 
natral  way,  and  kan't  be  healed. 


29  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1872. 


to 


•a  p 


o» 


*SV  /w  Blodget  waz  an  awful  brag, 
Alwus  telling  sumthing  or  nut  her, — 
"  Square  Brown  and  he  kept  60  cows  I  " 
The  square  kept  59,  and  Sim  the  tuther. 


<0  j? 


1 

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Kalkulashuns. 


^  Kold,  but  sharp 
9  2  When  this 
yu  see,  remember 
me  O  * 
sighns  ov  kold  & 
now  puntch 

fires  A  ^ 
weather  inkreases 
©  6  Dave  Larkin 
born  1763  ©  SI 
J$  wind  north  A 
Dave  Larkin 
waz 
a 
hoss  jockey  |^t 
snow,  mixt  with 

kold  a* 

Dave  Larkin  delt 

in 

saw-hosses  © 

kold,  but  bitter  9 

$  Oh !  cockroach, 

whare  iz 

thine 
sting?  "j^T 
kold  gits  more  so 
now  giv  in 
marriage  0 


THISSELS. 


Thare  iz  two  kind  ov  men  that 
i  dont  kare  to  meet  when  i  am  in 
a  grate  hurry  :  men  that  i  owe, 
and  men  that  want  to  owe  me. 


Jokes  are  like  butternuts.  To 
be  good,  they  musn't  be  cracked 
flatways. 


It  iz  just  az  natral  tew  be  born 
poor  az  tew  be  born  naked,  and 
it  iz  no  more  disgrace. 


Truth  iz  like  the  burr  docks  on 
the  end  ov  a  cow's  tail :  the  more 
she  shakes  them  oph,  the  less  she 
gits  rid  ov  them. 


I  think  young  coxcombs   end 
their  lives  az  old  slovens. 


HOBOSKOPE  FOE  MAR  OH. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  be  inklined  tew  blow  a 
little.  He  will  be  a  domestik  man,  and  will  kno  how  to 
rok  the  kradle  and  pare  potatoze.  He  will  marry  the 
only  daughter  of  a  widdo,  and  will  be  a  good  judge  of 
mothers-in-law.  He  will  die  about  the  usual  time  in  life, 
and  leave  a  house  and  lot,  with  a  small  mortgage  on  it. 
He  never  will  run  for  offiss  but  once,  and  then  will  git 
beat. 

o 

The  woman  who  appears  this  month  will  be  an  old 
maid  till  she  is  20  years  old,  and  then  will  sudenly  put  a 
stop  tew  this  kind  ov  bizzness,  by  investing  in  a  yung 
man.  She  will  be  a  good  housekeeper,  and  kno  how 
tew  make  a  plum  puddin,  with  the  plums  left  out.  She 
will  hang  on  to  her  buty  till  she  iz  about  45  ;  after  that, 
she  will  hav  to  take  her  chances. 


[Advertisement.] 

Professor  John  Spruce  (graduate)  begs  leaf  tew  inform 
the  citizens  ov  Pordunk  village  that  he  will  open  a  school 
for  male  yung  men,  over  Nikodemus  Bradley's  waggon 
shop,  in  whitch  will  be  taught  the  nobel  art  of  chawing 
gum,  in  all  the  hier  branches. 

Private  lessons  administered  tew  yung  ladiz  at  their 
boarding-house.  The  Professor  pledges  himself  tew 
teach,  in  six  easy  lessons,  the  gum-chawing  science  tew 
a  spot. 


N.  B, 

low. 


-Seckond  hand  gum  alwus  on  hand,  for  sale 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1872. 


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Dame  Barker  had  a  yerling  hen, 

Who  szvore  she'd  set,  or  raze  the  dickens  ; 

The  dame  sot  her  on  an  ear  ov  korn, 
And  razed  a  bushel  an  haff  ov  chickens. 


Hi    H 


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Kalkulashuns. 


&  Breezy  ©  °f> 
Klam  soup  diskov- 
ered  1500  JJL 
sighns  ov  wind  Q 
Jim  Pettybone 
created  1 312  ©  © 
Jim  waz 
an  intemperance 

man  [(o)] 
mutch  wind  «^p 
Jim  Pettybone  died 
4  wind  grows  TTj, 
Jim  died  ov  the 
triangular 
lemons  6 
fresh,  but  windy 
fe  now  dig  angle- 
worms 0  $ 
wind  rizescQ&* 
Lafayette  waz 
a 
friend  to 
this 
land  $  \3  tfi 
wind 

inklined  tew 
be  windy  S3 
Q  Tom  Hyer  waz 

a 
pugilissimus  [§§] 


CODICILS. 


To  work  iz  the  grate  law  ov 
natur.  If  the  woodchuck  ever 
dont  bild  enny  hole,  he  wont 
hav  one.  It  iz  true  he  may  steal 
one ;  but  then  sum  other  wood- 
chuck  will  hav  tew  dig  two. 


Thare  are  folks  who  dont  do 
enny  hard  work  but  watch  their 
simptoms.  I  hav  saw  dogs  akt 
just  az  sensibel.  I  hav  saw  a  rat- 
tarrier  watch  the  simptoms  ov  a 
knot-hole  in  a  board-fence  all  day, 
for  sum  rat  tew  cum  forth,  and  no 
rat  didnt  cum  forth. 


I  alwus  did  admire  the  malice 
ov  the  mule.  If  a  freak  ov  for- 
tune had  made  me  az  misfortunate 
amung  men  az  the  mule  iz  amung 
animilds,  i  would  begin  tew  let 
drive  at  things  a  mile  an  a  haff 
off. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  APRIL. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  hav  a  liquid  tempra- 
ment,  but  not  necessarily  inklined.  tew  licker.  Hiz  grate 
aim  will  be  tew  git  married  ;  and  he  will  git  hiz  bird,  bi 
marrying  a  butiful  and  also  good-looking  wife.  They 
will  liv  happy  az  two  lambs,  and  leave  one  son,  whom 
they  intended  should  be  president  ov  the  United  States, 
but  who  very  wisely  konkluded  tew  be  a  merchant 
taylor. 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  hav  blew  eyes,  and  a  full 
set  ov  teeth.  Her  heart  will  be  az  tender  az  a  porter- 
house steak.  She  will  keep  a  lap  dorg,  who  will  hav 
weak  eyes,  and  whose  christian  name  will  be  Fanny. 
She  will  die  and  leave  a  bed-quilt,  which  will  go  down 
tew  posterity,  with  upwards  of  7  hundred  blocks  in  it. 


[Advertizernent.'} 

JOB  SARGENT'S  ELENSING  SOPE. 

Job  Sargent,  being  ov  soimd  mind,  and  expressly 
afrade  ov  the  devil,  dont  hesitate  tew  say  that  his  klens- 
ing  sope  will  take  the  spots  oph  from  everything. 

1  st.  It  will  remove  the  spots  from  a  coach  dog  in  3 
daze. 

2d.  It  will  take  the  spots  oph  from  a  ten  ov  dimonds 
in  15  minnits. 

3d.  Kan  the  leopard  change  his  spots? — i  answer  it 
kan,  bi  using  Job  Sargent's  only  klensing  sope. 

4th.  Persons  ov  a  spotless  reputashun,  and  anxious 
tew  keep  so,  will  never  be  without  this  sope. 

5th.  Job  Sargent  never  told  a  lie — so  did  George 
Washington. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1872. 


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^  sloven  farmer  waz  old  Snyder  ; 
He  spent  his  time  a  drinkin  syder. 
Together  he  worked  a  cow  and  muel, 
And  never  sent  his  boys  tew  skewel. 


K3 

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Kalkulashuns. 


T\,  Now  sort  yure 
rats  $  <J> 
sum  rain  <g> 
sow  yure  hoss- 
radish  n  3 
©  yfo/,  but  wet  0 

£  hoss-radish  iz  a 
smart  vegatable  ^ 

6- Bill  Kurtis 
born  1749  6  9  © 
1 1  sighns  ov  rain  \  \ 
Bill  Kurtis  had 
a 
wodden  leg  $1  £ 
mild,  but  pleazant 
i&\  now  bury  beans 
K  %  warm  wet 
S  beans  are  a 
joyful  krop  D 

n  wind  soft  A 
thou  shalt  not  steal 
6  more  wet  g 

plant  pickels 
for  arly  cow- 
kumbers  $  1C 

c^  soft  breezes  <& 
now  lend  umbrel- 
lers  <f  $  ^0/  9 

now  jerk  lettiss  £? 


HOOKS  and   EYES. 


Yu  kant  konvert  sinners  bi 
preaching  the  gospel  tew  them  at 
haff- price.  Enny  sinner  who  iz 
anxious  tew  git  hiz  religion  in 
that  way  iz  satisfied  with  a  poor 
artikle. 


Prudes  are  coquets   gone    tew 
seed. 


Thare  iz  no  better  evidence  ov 
wisdum  than  tew  beleave  what  we 
kant  understand. 


Yu  will  alwus  notis  one  thing  : 
the  devil  never  offers  tew  go  into 
partnership  with  a  bizzy  man  ; 
but  yu  will  often  see  him  offer 
tew  jine  the  lazy,  and  furnish  all 
the  capital. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  MAY. 

The  gentleman  who  invests  hiz  life  in  this  month  will 
be  very  quick  tempered,  espeshily  when  a  hornet  lights 
on  him  in  anger.  His  mother  will  set  a  good  deal  by  him, 
espeshily  when  he  iz  in  the  kradle.  He  will  hav  the 
mumps  very  light,  and  will  spend  most  ov  his  life  intend- 
ing tew  marry,  but  will  die  at  last  with  a  half  dozen  old 
maids  on  hiz  hands.  The  wash  wimmin  will  remember 
him  az  the  man  who  never  wore  paper  collars. 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  fust  be  a  bud,  and  after- 
wards a  blossom.  Her  heart  will  be  az  full  ov  twitter  as  a 
kanary  bird  on  a  perch.  She  will  hav  twilight  hair.  She 
will  hav  menny  lovers.  She  will  be  reasonabel  fond  ov 
silk  clothes,  but  her  grate  joy  will  be  in  a  bonnet.  She 
will  hav  az  little  jealousy  az  it  is  prudent  for  a  woman  tew 
hav. 


CHOICE  OLD  RECEIPTS. 

To  learn  a  kat  how  tew  bite — feed  her  on  kat  nip  tea. 


To  remove  goose  pimples  (from  a  goose)— loose  the 
goose. 


To  kure  a  weak  back — lay  still  for  a  week  ahead. 

o 

To  make  yure  mark — fall  out  ov  a  third  story  windo. 

o 

To  ketch  a  bad  kold — lay  down  on  the  ground,  and 
watch  for  it,  bi  moonlite. 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


1872. 


rCJ       «* 


<y 


Now  in  the  ground  hide  unyun  seed, 
Bury  kom,  and  beetz,  and  lettiss  ; 

Chuck  in  sum  peas,  and  lima  beans, 
If  the  arth  dont  seem  tew  wettish. 


SI    V3 


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2 

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Kalkulashuns. 


1st  Now  kount  yure 
bees  %&* 

\  J  wet  showers  \  \ 
expekt  grass  1$ 

S3  Mary  Spalding 
born  1642  £  >fc 
warm,  but  sunny 
<M  Mary  Spalding 
waz  a  widder  e& 
£  rain  £? 
now  plant  tud- 

stools 
0  hot,  but  cool  © 
all  men  were  born 

free  and  equal  r|j 
%  more  warmy  ^ 
J  oner  waz 
et  bi 
a  whale  £  £  • 
]£  expekt  rain  ^ 
©  dandylions  draw 
ni  ip         ©  hot 
mildness 
now  fall  in  love  $gj 
^t  warm  inkr eases 
David  Perkins 
waz 
a 
hansum 
man  I  Afi  i 


PLUMB  PUD  DIN. 


If  i  waz  a-going  tew  civilize  a 
parcel  ov  heathen  (bi  the  job) 
on  sum  distant,  far  off,  and  re- 
mote ile,  i  should  debate  sum 
time  in  mi  mind  which  tew  send, 
an  invoice  ov  dancing-masters  or 
missionarys. 


Hope  haz  made  a  grate  menny 
blunders;  but  thare  iz  one  thing 
about  her  that  I  alwus  did  like  : 
she  means  well. 

Most  ennyboddy  thinks  he  kan 
keep  a  good  hotel  (and  he  kan) ; 
but  this  akounts  for  the  grate 
number  of  kussid  mean  ones  all 
over  the  country. 

Whenever  yu  hear  a  man  who 
alwus  wants  tew  bet  hiz  bottom 
dollar,  you  kan  make  up  yure 
mind  that  that  iz  the  size  ov  hiz 
pile. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  JUNE. 

The  male  individual  born  during  June  will  be  one  of  7 
children,  but  not  the  only  one.  He  will  hav  3  brothers, 
and  one  sister,  who  will  marry  a  hard  shell  baptist 
preacher.  He  will  studdy  law,  and  enter  the  profeshun 
with  gilt  edge  prospekts,  but  his  fust  klient  being  a  coun- 
terfiter,  whom  he  succeeds  in  gitting  clear,  and  receiving 
50  dollars  in  counterfit  money  for  his  services,  disgusts 
him  with  the  bizzness. 


The  female  who  appears  on  the  platform  this  month 
will  alwus  hav  cause  tew  wonder  whi  she  did  it.  Her 
father  will  be  a  skool  teacher,  and  he  will  bring  her  up  in 
the  distrikt  skool  bizzness.  At  29  years  and  six  months 
she  will  marry,  and  will  be  well  edukated  in  the  dutys  ov 
a  wife,  for  she  will  understand  Daball's  arithmetik,  and 
parseing,  just  az  eazy  az  falling  down  the  cellar  stairs. 
She  will  hav  but  one  son,  and  he  will  be  edukated  oph 
from  hiz  feet  at  an  early  age. 


ANNOUNCEMENT  EXTRORNARY. 

{A  dvertizement. ) 

Phelix  Phungus  (dog  dokter),  late  ov  the  royal  vetenary 
college,  and  12  years  in  a  doggery  in  the  old  country, 
offers  hiz  services  tew  the  Pordunk  people.  He  kan  re- 
move fleas  from  a  dog  in  16  minnits ;  he  kan  take  the 
krook  out  ov  a  dog's  tail  in  13  minnits  ;  he  kan  learn  a 
dog  tew  lie  in  front  ov  a  fire  all  day  in  1 2  minnits ;  he 
kan  tell  how  fast  a  dog  kan  run  hitched  tew  a  tin  pail  in 
3  minnits  ;  and  kan  tell  how  mutch  sassage  he  will  make 
bi  just  hefting  him.     Consultashuns  free. 

P.  P.  D.  D.  Phelix  Phungus,  Dog  Doktor. 


30  Days. 


1 


£3  ■ 
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JUNE. 


1872. 


Mary  Moore  iz  a  farmer* s  lass, 
She's  winsum  az  a  pozy  ; 

The  chap  who  ketches  Mary  Moore, 
Wont  be  no  kuntryjosey. 


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Kalkulashuns. 


$,  Sweetly  warm 
TTJ,  now  grab  roses 
&  frequent  wet  £3 
John  Smith  born 
in  the  year  4  dr» 

<f  slitely  hot  $ 

John  Smith  waz  a 

good  investment  9 

warm,  but  growy 

f  John  Smith 

waz 
better  than 
kompound  interest 
2  now  imbibe 
fragrance  JJ( 
fi  bully  for  John 

Smith  J£ 
warm,  but  wet  j^f 
6  Elihu  Burritt 
waz  a  blacksmith  6 
ess  more  rain  © 
now  expekt 
snaiksg  cot     § 
sighns  ov  wet 

moisture  Q  ftl 

£5£*  Horace  Greely 

iz 

an 

editor  TTt  SI  8 


ROOTS  and  ^J?^. 


8  wont  go  into  6,  and  hav 
ennything  left  over.  Menny  a 
yung  phellow  haz  found  out  this 
bi  trieing  tew  git  a  number  6  boot 


Thare  iz  nothing  a  man  will  git 
so  sick  ov  az  too  mutch  molasses. 
{Sweet  girls,  make  a  note  ov  this. ) 


Prudery  iz  often  like  the  ches- 
nutt-burr:  it  duz  seem  as  tho  it 
never  would  open,  but  by  and  by 
it  yields  tew  the  frost,  and  lets  the 
fruit  drop  out. 


I  dont  beleave  in  the  final  sal- 
vashun  ov  all  men,  bekauze  thare 
are  so  menny  kases  in  which  i 
kant  see  how  it  iz  going  tew  be 
made  tew  pay. 


EOROSKOPE  FOR  JULY. 

The  man  mortal  who  cums  tew  the  scratch  this  month  will 
be  a  grate  lover  ov  politikal  life,  and  after  menny  stormy 
trips  will  settle  in  hiz  natiff  village  a  konstable,  elekted 
by  19  majority.  He  will  liv  tew  be  ripe  with  old  age, 
and  hiz  posterity  will  wonder  how  he  managed  tew  spend 
a  whole  life  in  politiks,  and  keep  out  ov  state  prizon. 
{Hiz  posterity  probably  aint  aware  that  a  term  in  state 
prizon  iz  a  good  kard  tew  run  for  offiss  on. ) 


The  girl  born  this  month  will  flash  like  a  streak  ov  yel- 
lo  sunshine.  She  will  be  sought  after  like  the  balm  ov 
menny  flowers.  She  will  hav  poetry  for  breakfast,  and 
spend  the  rest  ov  the  day  on  zephyrs  and  chocalate  kara- 
mels.  The  man  who  gits  her  for  a  wife  will  change  into 
a  butterfly,  and  the  two  will  be  seen,  sum  sweet  nite  this 
month,  flieing  away  to  the  song  ov  the  crickets. 


ADVICE  TEW  YOUNG  MEN. 

Dont  be  diskouraged  if  yure  mustash  dont  gro  ;  it 
sumtimes  happens  whare  a  mustash  duz  the  best,  nothing 
else  duz  so  well. 

Dont  be  afrade  ov  enny  thing  that  iz  honarable,  and 
dont  forget  that  the  best  friend  that  God  haz  given  enny 
one  iz  hiz  conscience. 

Larn  tew  wait ! — this  iz  a  hard  gait  for  ayung  man  tew 
travel,  but  iz  the  surest  way  tew  git  thare. 

If  you  hav  got  sum  wild  oats  (and  a  phew  wont  spile 
yu)  git  them  in  arly,  and  sow  them  deep,  so  they  will  rot 
in  the  ground. 


31  Days, 


JULY. 


1872. 


£       <b 


a 


To  brake  a  ?7iule,  or  yoke  a  steer, 
Bob  Fletcher  waz  a  reddy  lad ; 

He  and  his  mother  worked  tJie  farm — 
Krewel  deth  had  took  away  his  dad. 


3   B 
£    2 


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Kalkulashuns. 


Um&ot(B  O 

now  lay  in  straw- 

berrys  and  kream  ft 

Tj?  wind  south  I£ 

n  Frank  Stebbins 

waz  born  this 

month  $1  n 

^  more  heaty  © 

%  Frank  Stebbins 
waz  a  hoss-jockey 
Q  now  expekt 
wet  showers  Tfj,  <p 
$  Frank  Stebbins 
had  a  lemon- 
colored  mare  «& 

V3  ^0/,  £«*  w^/  ^ 
£0  this  mare  could 

trot  suddenly  i£x 
%  grate  heatness 
A  Abel  waz  a 
bachelor  $  Q 
X  inkreasing 

war?nth  8 

$  now  hunt 

for 

thunder 

and 

lightning  a  v\, 

0  hale  columbus 

happee  land  ftg* 


PICKLED    TONGUE, 


I  look  upon  the  north  pole  az 
one  ov  them  pekuliar  spots  ov 
ground :  if  it  aint  never  found,  we 
shant  be  none  ov  the  wuss  off; 
and  if  it  iz  found,  we  shant  be 
none  the  better  off. 


I  kant  see  what  woman  wants 
enny  more  "Rights"  for;  she 
beat  the  fust  man  born  into  the 
world  out  ov  a  ded  sure  thing, 
and  she  kan  beat  the  last  one 
with  the  same  kards. 


The  only  thing  which  makes  a 
mule  so  highly  respektabel  is  the 
grate  accuracy  ov  hiz  kickings. 


Convince  a  phool  ov  hiz  errors, 
and  you  make  him  yure  enemy. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  AUGUST. 

The  gentleman  born  this  month  will  hav  one  eye  to 
the  main  chance,  and  the  other  eye  on  the  collatterals. 
He  will  be  sharper  than  good  cider  vinegar,  and  will  go 
at  a  transackshun  like  a  skotch  tarrier  at  a  rat  hole. 
He  will  be  az  honest  az  a  hornet,  and  make  az  few 
blunders.  He  will  liv  tew  be  old.  Hiz  wife  will  die 
young — tired   out  trying  tew  keep  up  with  him. 


The  feminine  creashuns  ov  this  month  will  be  grate 
admirers  ov  the  sterner  sex.  They  will  fall  in  luv  easy, 
but  will  make  az  phew  blunders  az  enny  other  wimmin. 
They  will  be  guided  bi  the  impulses  ov  their  naturs, 
which  in  most  wirnmen  iz  a  safer  card  than  their  judge- 
ments. If  I  hadnt  got  one  ov  the  best  wifes  that  the 
world  haz  yet  produced,  I  should  be  inclined  to  ask 
(humbly)  for  one  ov  the  August-as. 


TO  ALL    WHOM  IT  MAT  CONS  ABUT. 

(A  dvertizement.) 

Adam  Dip  thong  (chicken  champion)  invites  a  discern- 
ing world  tew  peruse  hiz  egg-dispensing  poultry. 

His  "Hail  Columbys"  crossed  on  his  "Star  Spangled 
Banners"  iz  a  hen  who,  for  purity  ov  step,  swavity  of 
plumage,  and  modesty  ov  deportment,  kant  be  beat. 

His  "  Last  Roze  ov  Summer"  hiz  "  Merry  wives  ov 
Windsor"  and  hiz  "Love  lies  bleeding"  az  a  style  ov 
poultry,  haz  no  competitors  in  the  whole  horizon.  His 
" Kiss  me  Quicks"  chastised  with  a  delikate  sprinkling 
ov  his  "Meet  me  bi  moon  lite  alone"  as  pullets,  hav  alwus 
stood  the  test ;  and  az  roosters,  are  alwus  reddy  "  tew 
fite  it  out  on  this  line  "  (or  enny  other)  "  if  it  takes  all 
summer." 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1872. 


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Come,  farmers  all,  both  grate  and  small, 
The  fields  with  yello  grain  are  wavy  ; 

Bring  out  yure  boys,  and  laffing  galls, 
And  make  the  bukweat  cry  Peccavy. 


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Kalkulashuns. 


©  0  Hot  %  n 
g±  Pete  Whetstone 

born  956  $l  g 
S|  hotter  £ 
©  Pete  waz  a  bare- 

bak  rider  g  0 
©  thunder  and 
litening  \\   ffff 

$$  Pete  rode  the 
fust  bear  jp  ^ 
JJl  /$<?/  grows  wuss 

\  f  now  stab 
suckers  f  -t-  f  -»-  f 
0  >fo/  with  rain  Q 
Q  kane  kilt  able  <? 
«<?w  expekt  mutch 
warmth  "3?  ^  kane 

waz  a  stunner  0 
• .  •  heat  prickly  • .  • 

J£  now  eat  kold 
vittles   6    heat  biles 
$  O  grave  !  whare 
iz  thi  viktory  ?  * 
bigger  hot  $(  Gen. 

Jackson  waz  a 
dimokrat  8     hot  © 

and  now  beg  for 
ise 
kream  fi  5 

3JI  more  heaty  $ 


EGG  NOGG. 


A  man  whom  yu  kan  hire  tew 
work  on  a  farm  for  nothing,  and 
board  himself,  will  just  about  earn 
hiz  wages. 


A  learned  phool  iz  one  who 
haz  read  everything,  and  simply 
remembers  what  he  haz  read. 


The  highest  rate  ov  interest 
that  we  pay  iz  for  borrowed 
trouble.  Things  that  are  alwus 
a-going  tew  happen,  never  do 
happen. 


I  hav  know  people  who  had  so 
little  karakter  that  they  didnt 
even  hav  enny  phailings. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  SEPTEMBER. 
The  man  born  this  month  will  be  what  iz  called  a  wit. 
He  will  be  az  phull  ov  wit  az  a  bottle  ov  ginger-pop. 
He  kant  hardly  wait  to  hav  the  cork  pulled  out,  and 
when  the  cork  iz  pulled  out  it  will  take  a  2  quart  bowl 
to  hold  a  half  pint  ov  the  phizz.  He  will  make  jokes 
which  will  be  az  natral  az  blunders,  and  will  keep  hiz 
whole  family  (inkluding  the  hired  girl)  betwixt  a  suprise 
and  a  guess.  He  will  hav  a  house  phull  of  children,  who 
will  be  the  best  jokes  he  perpetrates. 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  be  mistress  ov  .the  situa- 
shun.  She  will  hav  menny  admirers,  but  will  lead  them 
a  dusty  chase.  After  a  while  she  will  marry,  and  bekum 
az  serious  az  a  white  mice  in  a  wire  trap.  Her  husband 
will  be  az  proud  of  her  az  a  third  lutenant  ov  hiz  fust 
epaulettes.  Her  children  will  be  brought  up  to  toe  the 
mark,  and,  tho  different  from  all  the  other  wimmin  in  the 
naborhood,  she  will  be  admired  more  than  reproved. 


ADVISE  TEW  HOSS  JOCKEYS. 

Never  swop  hosses  with  a  deakon — not  if  yu  belong 
tew  the  same  church  he  duz. 

If  yu  hav  got  a  hoss  that  you  ask  200  dollars  for,  and 
are  offered  75  dollars  for  him,  alwus  sell  him ;  dont  spile 
a  good  hoss  trade  for  125  dollars. 

If  you  should,  bi  acksident,  git  hold  ov  a  sound  hoss, 
git  shut  of  him  az  soon  az  yu  kan,  for  yu  wont  be  happy 
with  him. 

If,  in  swopping  hosses,  yu  git  kornered,  and  kant  lie, 
postpone  the  trade  untill  next  day. 

Noboddy  ever  expekts  tew  buy  a  hoss  without  gitting 
cheated  ;  tharefore,  if  a  hoss  jockey  dont  lie,  he  loses  one 
ov  his  blessed  privileges. 


30  Days. 


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SEPTEMBER. 


1872. 


Deakon  John  Jones  waz  a  plus  man, 
But  for  one  thing  I  kant  lend  praze  ; 

'  Twas  asking  pardon  bekauze  he  swore, 
When  his  old  ra?n  knokt  him  end  waze. 


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Kalkulashuns. 


I£  Mild,  but  gentle 
$  Abram  Tucker 
born  16942  @ 

<f  soft  winds  SI 
/s*  Abram  Tucker 
fust  eat  pork  and 
molassis  $      n  now 
look  for  rain  \  \  \ 
birds  with  feathers 
flock  togethers  ,,n 

$  it  rains  f[ 
T  now. lay  in  fride 

oysters  TTi 

%  very  pleasant  H 

0  John  Brown  died 

1861  *   O  cloudy  © 

V3  John  Brown 

died  ov  the  thrut 

disseaze  § 

now  expekt  early 

cider  &  showery  °p 

5  sighns  ov  an  arly 

frost  O  ffik 

&  wind  east  r^l 

now  prepare 

for 

country 

cuzzins  6   Q  °f 


SLUNG-SHOT. 


I  dont  know  how  it  iz  with  my 
brother-man,  but  with  me  the  fall 
ov  the  Roman  empire  iz  a  grate 
deal  eazier  tew  bear  than  a  fall  on 
the  ice  when  it  iz  wet. 


Face  all  things  ;  even  adversity 
iz  polite  to  a  man's  face. 


Poverty  kant  be  wuss,  and  may 
be  better;  riches  kan  be  better, 
and  may  be  wuss.  The  differ- 
ence iz  in  favour  ov  poverty. 


Whenever  i  see  a  man  anxious 
tew  git  into  the  middle  ov  a  fite 
that  dont  belong  tew  him,  i  am 
alwus  anxious  to  hav  him,  for  i 
kno  he  iz  sure  tew  be  the  wust 
whipt  man  in  the  party. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  OKTOBER. 

The  male  man  usherd  into  existence  this  month  will 
be  ov  an  enquiring  mind.  The  fust  thing  he  will  enquire 
for  will  be  sum  good  cider.  He  will  studdy  divinity  at 
fust,  but  will  quit  that  and  bekum  a  konduktor  on  a  hoss 
rale-rode;  this  pays  better,  and  haz  more  perquisites. 
He  will  marry  the  woman  ov  his  choice,  which  iz  good, 
provided  the  choice  iz  all  right.  His  hair  will  turn  grey 
before  he  dies,  but  after  he  dyes  he  will  hav  black  hair 
the  rest  of  hiz  days. 


The  woman  born  this  month  will  be  short  ov  stattue, 
and  acquainted  with  grief.  She  will  want  a  grate  menny 
things,  in  this  world,  that  aint  handy  tew  be  got.  She 
will  marry  just  about  the  right  time,  and  undertake  tew 
liv  with  her  mother  in  law,  which  iz  a  diffikult  kontrakt 
tew  fill.  The  wimmin  born  this  month  are  like  a  rhode 
island  greening,  ripen  slow,  and  are  most  delightful 
away  long  into  the  winter. 


iW   TO   LET.   -^1 


Enny  person  having  an  easy  pill  to 
take,  that  will  restore  a  shatter d  repu- 
tashun,  without  cha?ige  ov  diet  tew  the 
pashunt,  kan  hav  this  advertising  space 
hily  reazonable. 

Enquire  of 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1872. 


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Bukwheat  kakes  this  month  lay  in, 
Eat  freely  of  pork  and  sassage; 

Theze  things  kind  Heaven  givs  to  us, 
Who  in  this  world  works  our  passage. 


■♦o   K" 


•8 


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Kalkulashuns. 


#  Kloudy,  but  cool 
8  Joel  Briggs  born 

1837^ 

#  warmer  § 
©  Joel  Briggs  waz 

a  tin  pedlar  <f  £ 
I J  sighns  ov  rain  \  \ 
^>  beware  ov  grass 
widders  $  ess  snow 
on  the  mountains 
I£  now  count  yure 
rats  O    sharp  frost 

last  nite  ^  $ 
°f>  whiskee  iz  a  non 

konduktor  $1 
TT£  j-«0w  /#/&  A 

£  biled  sassage 

iz  good  for  the 
tooth  ake  6  4*  ? 
A  wind  bracing  ^ 

r£j  now  enquire 
for  cider  g 

$  8  Enok  waz 

translated  ©  "jJT 

ft  /#w(y  $ 

*  so 

waz 

Homer 

translated  £  ^ 


/^oor  PRINTS. 


If  i  had  a  boy  whoze  hair 
wouldnt  part  in  the  middle,  i 
would  bedew  that  hair  with  a 
parent's  tear,  and  then  giv  up 
the  boy. 


Hurry  and  dispatch  are  often 
confounded,  but  they  are  az  un- 
like az  the  habits  ov  the  pissmire 
and  the  ant. 


Thare  aint  but  phew  men  weak 
enuff  tew  admit  their  jealousys  ; 
even  a  disgraced  rooster  in  a  barn- 
yard will  git  a  lee  tie  further  off 
and  begin  tew  crow  up  a  new 
reputashun. 


Cunning,  at  best,  only  duz  the 
dirty  work  ov  wisdum ;  tharefore 
I  dispize  it. 


ROROSKOPE  FOR  NO  VEMBER. 

The  gentleman  born  this  month  will  be  a  hard  worker, 
but  phond  ov  old  wine.  He  will  forgit  tew  pay  sum  ov 
hiz  debts,  but  will  hav  a  blue  eye,  and  be  a  good  singer. 
He  will  marry  between  18  and  45,  and  be  an  excellent 
judge  ov  hash  on  toast.  He  will  liv  a  grate  length,  and 
reach  deth  by  a  cirkuitous  route. 


She  who  cums  tew  see  us  this  month  will  be  az  wel- 
kum  az  a  dandy  lion  in  the  buzzum  of  winter.  She  will 
be  a  dutiful  dauter,  a  warm-harted  sister,  a  tender  mother, 
and  a  handsum  wife — (Kind  Heaven  !  send  us  az  menny 
ov  this  sort  az  convenient.) 


ADVICE  TEW  TUNG  DOKTORS. 

Hire  an  offiss  on  the  main  street  of  the  village,  and 
stay  in  the  offiss. 

When  yu  do  go  out,  alwus  go  on  the  jump. 
Dont  never  talk  mutch  on  enny  subjek,  but  alwus  look 
kussid  misterious. 

Seldum  go  tew  church,  but  when  yu  do,  alwus  leave 
before  the  church  duz. 

Charge  everyboddy  like  thunder  and  litening. 

If  yu  pholler  theze  rules  clussly,  and  don't  suckceed, 
yu  kan  kum  tew  the  konklushun  that  the  doktrine  bizz- 
ness  ain't  so  good  as  it  waz  last  year. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER, 


1872. 


6  * 
9i  0 

5*  A. 


o 


o* 


7^^<?  Lovell  waz  a  farmers  wife, 
A  ivife  waz  she  wnth  having,  too  ; 

For  when  fane  Lovell  rooled  up  her  sleeves, 
Things  round  that  hous  begin  tew  few. 


o  a 


i  F 

2  S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

t 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 


3 
4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
r  i 

12 

13 
H 

iS 

[6 

t7 

[8 

*9 

20 
21 
22 

23 

24 

25 

26 

27 
28 

29 
30 


Kalkulashuns. 


6  Sour,  but  hold  8 
V3  remember  Lot's 
wife  £0      £  r#w, 

<W  sour  *? 
A  Lot' s  wife  waz 
the  psalt  ov  the 
earth  rss 
TT£  ztc£?;v  sour  g 
2  all  good  wifes  are 

Q  Adam  Sturgis 
born  1853  9  windy 

a  Adam  Sturgis 
waz  a  twin  H  $ 
n  ra/»,  «/>/  w/M 
sno7v  Y3     ©  now 

psalt  sheeps  ^ 
0  wind  bights  A 
multiplika-       0000000 
shun  table 
diskovered 
12 15  g  Q       000000000 
/#<?r<?  hold  (§ 
the  multiplikashun 

table  iz  hard  tew 
beat  0  = 

0  sour  rain  £ff 
)$  Bill  Adams  waz 

a  free  mason  v3 


0000000 
0000000 


TIT  BITS. 


A  dandy  in  love  iz  in  just  about 
az  bad  a  fix  az  a  stik  ov  mollassis 
kandy  that  haz  begun  tew  melt. 


The  meanest  kind  ov  a  loafer 
iz  he  who  iz  willing  tew  be  abuzed 
by  every  one  for  ^the  privilege  ov 
abusing  others. 


Curiosity  had  twins  ;  one  waz 
Invenshun,  the  other  waz  Stick- 
Yure-Noze-Into-Things. 


Deth  iz  an  arrow  shot  into  a 
krowd ;  the  only  rezon  whi  it  hit 
another  iz  bekauze  it  missed  us. 


Arly  genius   iz   like   arly   cab- 
bage :  it  dont  apt  tew  hed  well. 


EOROSKOPE  FOR  DECEMBER. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  hav  a  sanguine  tempra- 
ment.  He  thinks  he  iz  in  luv  with  every  woman  he 
meets,  and  wont  git  married  till  late  in  life.  When  he 
duz  git  wedded,  he  is  a-going  tew  wed  a  woman  who  haz 
been  playing  the  same  game  he  haz — falling  in  love  with 
every  man  she  meets.  They  are  both  ov  them  going  tew 
git  cheated  the  wust  way. 


The  girl  born  this  month,  tho  late  in  the  season,  is 
a-going  tew  ketch  up  before  she  gits  through.  She  wont 
remane  single,  and  iz  a-going  tew  be  a  leetle  difhkult  tew 
manage  double.  She  will  see  Naples,  but  iz  too  smart 
to  die  right  off  on  that  account.  She  will  admire  menny 
men,  but  will  love  but  one,  and  that  iz  her  husband. 
If  her  husband  iz  smart  enufT  to  know  this,  they  will 
travel  through  life  like  2  pigeons. 


SIMPLE  REMIDIZ. 

Tew  kure  the  bight  ov  a  krab,  soke  the  krab's  feet  in 
bileing  hot  water. 

.JOCK— — — — 

Tew  find  the  kontents  ov  a  gallon  ov  whiskee,  multi- 
ply a  pint  ov  fusil  ile  bi  8  pints  ov  Venice  turpentine. 


Tew  kure  the  gout,  liv  on  Boston  krackers,  and  saw 
wood  for  25  cents  a  kord. 


Tew  make  a  goose  good  eating,  bring  her  up  tenderly. 


Tew  keep  kats  from  being  et  up  bi  rats,  muzzle  the  rats. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


.a 


j->     +o 


2  a- 


^     A. 


1872. 


-8^ 

9  I 

2^     » 


The  farmer  leads  ait  eazy  life, 
12  hours  a  day  ends  hiz  labors  ; 

Evenings  pares  apples  for  cider  sasst 
Or  hauls  over  the  coals  hiz  nabors. 


g 

TBI 

I 

G 

2 

M 

3 

T 

4 

W 

5 

T 

6 

F 

7 

S 

8 

G 

9 

M 

IO 

T 

ii 

W 

12 

T 

r3 

F 

14 

S 

*5 

G 

16 

M 

17 

T 

18 

W 

T9 

T 

20 

F 

21 

S 

22 

G 

23 

M 

24 

T 

«5 

W 

26 

T 

27 

F 

28 

S 

29 

G 

30 

M 

31 

T 

Kalkulashuns. 


O  A  Kcld  and 
snowsome  71 
^  Yankee  doodle 
born  1659  • 
©  mutch  hold  <f 
%  Yankee  doodle 
still  livs  X 
s now  60  _/W  deep 
9  Yankee  doodle 
iz 
a  lively  cuss  TT], 
/is  grate  hold  □ 
13  now  hammer 
out  oats  % 
(O  holder  E3 

expekt  sla  rides  $ 
•f  sharp,  but  hold 
©  thou  shalt 
not 
covet  thi  nabor's 
jackass  $ 
ttj,  snow  increases 
©  now  murder 
hogs® 
Hz!  wind  shifty  z^ 

<f  now  tear  up 
wood  24 

<  £/g-  kold^ 
r9  the  grass  hopper 
haz  fled  &  £    §» 


GZAT  and  MILK. 


How  fast  will  the  "  comeing 
man'''  probably  travel?  I  kant 
tell  to  a  dot ;  but  if  he  kant  beat 
2.25,  he  better  stay  whare  he  iz. 


A  man  with  a  phew  branes  iz 
like  a  dog  with  one  flea  on  him — 
dredful  oneazy. 


Be  humble,  and  yu  are  sure 
tew  be  thankful ;  be  thankful,  and 
yu  are  sure  tew  be  happy. 

The  more  yung  ones  in  a  fam- 
ily, the  eazier  they  are  tew  raize. 
One  chicken  alwus  makes  more 
klucking  for  a  hen  than  a  dozen 
duz. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  kan  pocket 
abuse,  and  feel  that  it  iz  no  dis- 
grace tew  be  bit  bi  a  dog. 


A  GRIKTJLTIB  USS. 

i  st  Skarsity  beets  are  the  hardest  kind  ov  beats  to 
beet ;  their  grate  skarsity  makes  them  beet  all  other  kind 
ov  beats. 


2d.  Turnups  should  be  planted  near  the  top  ov  the 
ground,  if  yu  want  them  tew  turn  up  good. 


3d.  Egg  plants  iz  good,  but  eggs  sot  under  a  stiddy 
hen  will  produce  more  chickens  than  they  will  tew  plant 
them. 

4th.  Potatoze  are  gennerally  a  helthy  krop,  but  they 
are  liable  tew  hav  weak  eyes. 


5th.  Cowcumbers  do  the  best  in  a  lot  bi  themselfs; 
it  aint  best  tew  cumber  up  a  kitchen  gardin  with  cows. 


6th.  Oats  will  gro  on  sum  warm  land,  but  tew  yield 
well  they  hav  got  tew  be  thrasht ;  it  iz  jiss  so  with  beans, 
only  beans  has  got  to  be  poled  fust,  and  thrasht  after- 
wards. 


7th.  Rye  duz  the  best  on  a  dry  and  thirsty  sile,  es- 
peshily  old  rye  ;  too  mutch  water  will  drown  out  old  rye. 


8th.  Tud   stools  will  do  well  on  a  wet  earth ;  so  will 
tuds  ;  but  woodchucks  must  hav  a  gravelly  sile. 


Jricyx^  cux  <£i*jt  A^  8*4  Jus    Hs>  7n«\ 

/Rasv^    th    S-ec    WL   jbtnrr,  Jul?'  YtrtfZu^ruy%, 
J?/-  /&,  Z^s,  Jos*  JdoUwG?,. 


EVERETT   HOUSE, 

UNION  SQUARE,  NEW  YORK. 

KERNER  &  WEAVER. 


CLARENDON   HOTEL, 

Table  d'Hote,  or  a  la  Carte. 

4th.  Ave.  and  18tli  St.,   New  York. 

C.  H.  KERNER. 


6 


t/  A-tfy\r    S<-*si<^-  Tv-^e<n^    S  &  /^n^^ 

7nn*/A  <?Cl  ^Jox.7^   frrJA  ^  ^OLfttt 


EARLE'S    HOTEL, 

CORNER  CANAL  AND  CENTRE  STREETS, 

ONE    BLOCK   FROM   BROADWAY,    K.   Y. 


This  Hotel  has  been  newly  and  handsomely  furnished  and  decor- 
ated. Contains  a  Grand  Exchange,  New  Passenger  Elevator,  Gentle- 
men's Parlor,  Railroad  and  Steamboat  Ticket  Office,  Telegraph  Office 
and  Billiard  Room. 


Room  and  Board  $2.50  per  day,  and  at  the  same 
rate  for  parts  of  a  day. 


THE 


BILLINGS 


ZODIAK    FAMILY. 


The  above  zodiak  sighns  are  kalkulated  expressly  for  the  meridian 
ov  Pordunk,  Pa.,  but  will  answer  for  Nu  Orleans,  Nova  Skoshia, 
or  Greenland's  icy  mountains.  Zodiak  sighns,  ov  the  latest  pattern?, 
will  be  furnished  heads  ov  familys,  or  hot  beds  ov  learning,  at  a 
slite  advance  upon  kost,  by  speaking  to  Josh  Billings  about  it. 


SUM  WEATHER. 


SINOPSUSS  OV  PROGNOSTIKATED  EVENTS. 

The  byrometer  will  rize  very  sudden  this  morning  at 
Pordunk,  3  foot,  and  fall  the  like  amount  at  Sakramento 
City.  The  dimkulty  in  the  weather  for  the  last  2  days, 
which  haz  predominated  at  Boston  and  around  New  Or- 
leans, waz  owing  tew  the  byrometer  at  Pordunk  being 
took  down  and  sent  tew  the  blacksmith's  shop  for  repairs. 

Clear  weather  haz  existed  at  Goose  kreek,  and  north- 
west ov  Montreal,  with  a  growing  tendency  tew  wind 
gustiness. 


PROBABILITY. 


Ambrozial  weather  will  permeate  all  around  Pordunk 
for  the  next  16  months,  with  rain  and  snow ;  and  all  sorts 
ov  stuff  in  the  ballance  ov  the  United  States  of  America. 

The  probabilitiz  iz  that  the  abuv  probabilitiz  will  assim- 
ilate themselfs  tew  the  principal  probabilitiz  in  the  case. 

If  they  don't,  du  notiss  will  be  giv. 

In  the  mean  time  be  kalm,  be  dignified,  and  don't  be 
skeered. 


PRIVATE     OPINYUNS     OV   JOSH    BIL- 
LINGS' FARMERS  ALLMINAX. 


"  A  pearl  ov  grate  price." 

Deakon  Mozes  Mills. 


il  I  reckomend  this  allrninax  to  all  persons  out  ov  a 

job." 

Israel  Pugh. 
o 

11  Az  konsise  az  a  kambrik  needle." 

E.  R.  Dunkan. 
o 

"  This  allrninax  iz  az  phull  ov  sharp  things  az  a  hedge- 
hog's back." 

Ezra  Fish 
o 

"  Az  natral  in  the  family,  and  quite  az  catching,  az  the 

meazles." 

Dokt  J.  Munson. 


"  Oh  lud !  i  never  did  peruze  enny  thing  haff  so  mutch 

like  it." 

Widdo  Jane  Perkins. 


"  Tis  too  sweet  for  enny  thing." 

Miss  Matilda  Ann  Brown. 


"It  iz   a  lofty  produkshun,  full  ov  immense  wisdum, 
graphick  delineation,  and  koruskating  generalitys." 

John  Mead,  A.M. 


JANUARY  MISSCELLANY. 


ARIES,  THE  ZODIAK  RAM. 

Aries  is  a  latin  ram.  He  is  kompozed  ov  wool  all 
over,  and  horns  in  front.  How  Aries,  the  ram,  got  into 
the  zodiak  bothers  me  to  this  day,  but  he  probably  jumpt 
in  out  ov  sumboddys  back  lot.  This  is  all  owing  tew  bad 
fences.  Aries  waz  born  soon  after  the  diskovery  ov  this 
world  by  Kaptain  Kook,  the  perambulator.  Since  the 
days  ov  Aries  the  hydraulik  ram  haz  been  born,  a  very  hard 
ram  tew  fleece.  Aries  haz  the  post  ov  honor  arming  the 
sighns  in  the  zodiak,  and  presides  over  the  head  ov  the 
human  anatomy.  This  iz  a  just  kompliment  tew  hiz  ka- 
pacity  for  putting  a  hed  onto  things.  Aries,  the  ram,  tho 
he  haz  no  literary  pretenshuns,  haz  made  menny  brilliant 
hits  in  hiz  day. 


TO  MAKE  GOOD  MILK  PUNTCH. 

Take  one  quart  ov  red  cow's  milk. 

Strain  all  the  water  out  ov  the  milk. 

Puntch  the  milk  severely  with  santy  cruize  rum. 

Ramify  it  well  with  white  sugar. 

Koruskate  sum  nutmeg  on  the  brow  ov  it. 

Drink  tew  the  Amerikan  Eagle  standing. 

(This  recipee  haz  been  in  the  Billings  family  going  on 
300  years,  and  iz  desighned  for  one  person,  and  always 
hits  the  mark.) 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1873. 


3  ^ 

O     ^ 


i  i 


Joel  Briggs  waz  born  down  east, 
Hiz  hight  waz  6  feet  2, 

Hiz  panterloons  waz  striped, 
And  hitched  beneath  hiz  shu. 


~w 

38 

I 

w 

2 

T 

3 

F 

4 

S 

5 

G 

6 

M 

7 

T 

8 

W 

9 

T 

IO 

F 

ii 

S 

12 

G 

*3 

M 

14 

T 

*S 

W 

16 

T 

17 

F 

18 

S 

*9 

G 

20 

M 

21 

T 

22 

W 

23 

T 

24 

F 

25 

S 

26 

G 

27 

M 

28 

T 

29 

W 

30 

T 

3i 

F 

diagnosis. 


£  Bitter  hold  ^ 
If  now  X 
the  dog 
quaketh  2  6° 
sighns  ov  thaw  £X 
TT£  now  the 
kat 
shivereth  ess  g£ 
V3  £  expekt  hold  © 
••  now  the  snow 
snoweth  •„•  T  n 
^  holder  but 

rawu 
now 
the 

crow 
croweth  i&\  $f 
^  wind  north  A 
©  iti  now  the 
tarrier 

tareth  X 
:::  more  snow  ::: 
$  Q  now  the 
flea  fleaeth  TTJ2.  1£ 
<  holder  still > 

©  now  the 

spark  sparketh  % 

expeht  a  thaw  %  $ 

-*-  Jake  Disbrow  -i~ 

X  died  1824.  X 


KODFISH  BAWLS. 


The  intimacys  ov  old  age  seem 
tew  konsist  in  drinking  yung  hi- 
son  tea  together,  and  compareing 
gouts  and  rumatizms. 


One  ov  the  most  reliable  proph- 
ets i  kno  ov,  iz  an  old  hen,  for  they 
don't  prophecy  enny  egg,  untill 
after  the  egg  haz  happened. 


I  kno  ov  folks  who  are  so 
kondem  kontrary,  that  if  they 
should  fall  into  a  river,  they  would 
want  tew  float  up  stream. 


Politeness  iz  not  only  the  cheap- 
est, but  the  most  powerful  argu- 
ment I  kno  ov. 


Money  well  spent  iz  well  in- 
vested. 


FEBUARY  MISSCELLANY. 


TAURUS,  THE   ZODIAK  BULL. 

One  ov  the  best  behaved  animiles  in  the  whole  zodiak 
is  Taurus  the  zodiak  bull.  He  is  alwus  laying  down  flat 
sunning  himself.  He  dont  hav  ennythin'g  tew  employ  hiz 
mind  with  only  in  fli  time.  Fli  time  iz  alwus  a  bizzy  time 
with  Taurus.  The  bull  down  here  nowdaze  iz  a  sour 
headed  old  codger  who  goes  swareing  up  and  down  the 
turnpike  about  sumthing,  but  in  the  daze  ov  Virgil  he  had 
golden  horns,  and  poetry  in  hiz  veins.  Menny  folks  hav 
asked  me  what  on  earth  they  wanted  a  bull  in  the  zodiak 
for,  and  i  hav  always  sed,  it  waz  just  az  necessary  az  tew 
hav  bulls  in  Wall  street.  This  always  seemed  tew  satisfy 
their  questions  prodigiously.  Taurus  governs  the  nek  in 
the  sighns  ov  the  zodiak,  which  haz  giv  rise  to  that  tender, 
and  klassikal  sentiment,  called  "  bull  necked" 


PERSONALS. 

Dear  One. — Enklosed  please  find  10  Dollars — if  you 
kan.  Richard. 

******* 

Kum  home  !  kum  home  !  mi  dear  husband,  i  freely  for- 
giv  yu  for  all  i  hav  did.  Betsey. 

******* 

Waz  .the  lady  in  blue,  who  trod  on  the  gentleman's  toe 
in  gray,  in  the  8  th  avenew  kars  last  frida  nite  corned,  or 
waz  it  the  toe  that  waz  corned  ? — References  exchanged. 

Pedro. 


28  Days. 


FEBUARY. 


1873. 


□ 


a 


Joel  Briggs  a  pedlar  waz, 

A  pedlar  ov  renoun, 
He  dell  in  tin  tvare  and  silch, 

And  druv from  toun  tew  toun. 


0 


i 

2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 

ii 

12 

13 
14 
15 
16 

17 
18 

!9 

20 
21 

22 

23 

24 

25 

26 
27 
28 


S~ 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 


Diagnosis. 


TT£  %  Goose  yokes 
fust  discovered 
165 1 

Kold  and 
shivery  ZZ 
g   $  Jane  Brown 
born  1826  y&  ® 
©  Snow  falls 
Miss  Jane  Brown 

waz  a 
woman's  righter  H 
4&  much  koldness 
7fr  now  pan  out 

slapjax  O 
^fbig  sito  storm 
Pete  Murdok 
died  952  £ 
very  raw  A  $ 
(f)  Pete  Murdok 
died  ov  a 
broken  harte  [(ft)] 

sour  rain  *^t 

Pete  Murdok  broke 

hiz  harte  trieing 

teu  lift  a 

meeting  house  <3  % 

¥  more  hold  Y3 


KREAM  PUFFS. 


If  i  had  4  fust  rate  dogs  i  would 
name  the  best  ov  them  "  Doubt- 
full,"  and  all  the  other  3  "  Use- 
less." 

Take  all  the  phools  and  good 
luk  out  ov  this  world,  and  it  would 
bother  the. rest  ov  us  tew  git  a 
living. 

Thare  iz  az  mutch  difference 
between  wit  and  humor  az  thare 
iz  between  the  ile  and  the  essence 
ov  peppermint. 

Whiskey  friends  are  the  most 
unprofitable  ones  i  kno  ov,  they 
are  alwus  reddy  tew  drink  with 
yu,  but  when  yu  git  reddy  tew 
drink  with  them,  they  aint  dry. 

Ridikule  that  aint  true  haz  no 
partikular  power. 


MARCH  MISSCELLANY. 


. 


CANCER,  THE  ZODIAK  KRAB. 

Cancer  iz  a  hard  sheld  krab,  and  haz  2  sets  ov  leggs, 
which  are  lokated  on  the  starbord  side  ov  their  pussons. 
Cancer  travels  on  hiz  muscle,  and  thare  aint  no  individ- 
ual sighn  in  the  zodiak  ov  hiz  size  kan  whip  him.  I  hav 
studdyed  the  krab  clussly,  and  et  him  sloiy,  and  I  dont 
kno  him  yet.  Crabs  bight  with  their  feet,  and  hang  on 
like  the  rumatiz.  Biled  krab  is  good  but  a  man  must  eat 
them  bi  the  day,  he  would  starve  to  deth  eating  them  bi 
the  job.  Krabs  are  kaught  bi  tieing  a  knot  onto  the  end 
ov  a  string,  and  dropping  it  down  into  the  water  whare 
the  krab  iz,  and  when  yu  haul  in  the  string,  perhaps  yu 
hav  krab,  and  perhaps  yu  hav  knot.  This  iz  the  way  a 
grate  menny  things  in  this  world  are  not  kaught.  In  the 
zodiak  Cancer  rules  the  brest.  I  should  rather  hav  a  blis- 
ter plaster  in  mi  buzzum  than  a  krab  or  a  cancer. 


WANTED  BI  A  MIDDLE  AGED  MAN. 

Enny  one  having  a  helthy  goose,  ov  good  moral  karak- 
ter,  will  hear  ov  a  purchaser  by  addressing  Solaman 
Wainscote,  Pordunk  P.  O. 

The  goose  must  be  broke  tew  eat  grass. 

One  that  knoze  how  to  lay  2  eggs  a  day  prefered. 

If  the  goose  should  be  a  leetle  tuff,  no  matter. 

What  we  want  iz  a  smart  goose,  no  kussid  phool  goose 
wanted. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1873. 


O    *0 

JC      O 


0/r<?  hiz*hoss  had  been  a  mag, 
A  trotting  nag  at  that, 

But  now  he  waz  a  peiter, 
And  enny  thing  but  phatt. 


M 


ro     0 


V 

ft 

I 

S 

2 

G 

3 

M 

4 

T 

5 

W 

6 

T 

7 

F 

8 

S 

9 

G 

IO 

M 

n 

T 

12 

W 

13 

T 

14 

F 

15 

S 

16 

G 

i7 

M 

18 

T 

19 

W 

20 

T 

21 

F 

22 

S 

23 

G 

24 

M 

2S 

T 

26 

W 

27 

T 

28 

F 

29 

S 

30 

G 

3* 

M 

Diagnosis. 


Tooth  piks 
fust  used 
1 190  TT£  T   H 
%  ^  sum  wind 

$1  James  Gordon 
Bennet  born 

1802  xfa 
j|  rain  with  snow 
(£c)  Bennet 
is  a 
Herald  $ )(  \ 
hold  but  windy 

gs  ri"i  now 
feel  around  for 

maple  sugar  f  1£s 
X  wind  aktive  J$ 
d  2£  now 
lay  in 
early  rumatiz  $$   © 
^  TJ  raw  £///  /^/^/ 
9  Job  was  very 
billyus  Tit  £  # 

Sampson  waz  a 

strong  man  g  o  fi 

wind  shifts  some 

"3?  If  Sampson's 
strength  didn't  lay 
in  hiz 
karakter   n   O 


HO  KAKE. 


A   phools    money   iz    like    hiz 
branes — very  oneazy. 


Thare  iz  this  difference  between 
a  jest,  and  a  joke — a  jest  may  be 
kruel,  but  a  joke  never  iz. 


Sins  are  the  only  things  that  i 
repent  ov,  i  never  kould  make 
enny  thing  repenting  ov  blunders. 


Human  knowledge  iz  not  very 
komprehensiv  after  all, — i  hav 
seen  men  who  kould  kalkulate  an 
eklipse  tew  a  square  inch,  who 
couldn't  cum  within  30  foot  -ov 
harnessing  a  hoss. 


Flattery  iz  like  ice  kream,  we 
want  it  a  leetle  at  a  time,  and 
often. 


APRIL  MISSCELLANY. 


VIRGO,  THE  ZODIAK  VIRGIN. 

One  ov  the  best  preserved  females  ov  the  age  iz  Virgo 
the  Virgin.  She  dont  look  an  hour  older  than  she  did  in 
the  spring  ov  1818  when  i  fust  saw  her.  Virgo  haz  lite 
blu  eyes  and  yeller  hair,  and  i  should  esteem  her  to 
weigh  about  117  pounds.  Virgo  haz  menny  admirers, 
and  report  sez,  she  haz  had  menny  good  trades  offered 
her  (one  waz  a  duke)  but  she  deklines  matrimony.  I 
congratulate  her  spunk.  If  she  haz  got  a  good  lone  hand 
i  like  to  see  her  play  it,  even  if  she  gits  ukered.  I  hope 
Virgo  will  remain  whare  she  iz  for  life,  for  she  iz  the  only 
sighn  in  the  zodiak  that  i  love  tew  witness.  Thare  iz  one 
thing  about  Virgo  that  pleazes  me  wonderful,  and  that  iz, 
when  the  grecian  bend  waz  raging  on  earth,  and  crooking 
most  all  the  other  wimmin,  she  never  bent  a  bit.  Halle- 
lujah !  for  Virgo. 


TO  KONTRAKTORS. 

The  widdo  Betsey  Brown  will  receive  proposals  sealed 
at  her  residence  No.  86  Hopvine  St.  for  the  next  90  daze. 

Kontraktors  must  state  their  best  offers. 

Diagrams  of  the  widdo ws  looks  kan  be  had  at  the 
above  No. 

The  widdo  reserves  the  privilege  ov  refusing  all  offers. 

The  highest  Bidder  gits  the  worm. 

Agents  needn't  applikate. 


12 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


q   -o 


N      O 


O* 


1  Twas  Joels  way  f  stop  hiz  hart, 
At  every  hous  and  shop, 

Fust  tew  tell  a  bit  ov  nuze, 
And  then  propoze  tew  swop. 


1873. 


> 

I 

w 

« i 


P 


X 

33 

T 

I 

2 

W 

3 

T 

4 

F 

s 

S 

6 

G 

7 

M 

8 

T 

9 

W 

IO 

T 

n 

F 

12 

S 

*3 

G 

14 

M 

15 

T 

16 

W 

i7 

T 

18 

F 

x9 

S 

20 

G 

21 

M 

22 

T 

23 

W 

24 

T 

25 

F 

26 

S 

27 

G 

28 

M 

29 

T 

30 

W 

Diagnosis. 


Q  Jg.  Grecian  bend 
revived  1864  © 
sighns  ov  spring  $ 

mm     T    -•■""    the 

cockroach  cometh 
up  like  a  flower  #* 
©  liquid  rains 
frogs  now 
warble  H  ©  © 
$  j-7tf<?<?/  winds  T 
now  the  goose 

skreameth  TTJJ. 

V3  wind  sow  east 

bi  sow  © 

8  now  bury 

onion  seed    £? 

smart  showers 

ov  wet  $ 
Mars  waz 
Juno's  fellow  $    £ 
/a  zw/  warm  A 
Q  all  natur 
stands  on  tip  toze 
more  showers  with 
sighns  ov  rain  Q 
now  lift  lettiss  g 
%   □  the  pilgrim 
fathers  9 
whare  am  they  ?  © 


SLAP  JAX. 


When  a  man  measures  out  glory 
for  himself  he  alwus  heaps  the 
haff  bushel. 


A  man  may  mistake  hiz  tallent, 
but  he  kant  mistake  hiz  genius. 


It  is  only  a  step  from  cunning 
tew  dishonesty,  but  it  iz  a  step 
that  a  man  iz  liable  at  enny  time 
tew  take. 


Thare  seems  tew  be  a  propriety 
in  all  things — late  experiments  in 
New  York  city  hav  proved  the 
fact,  that  religion  in  a  rat  pit  iz  a 
failure. 


Style  iz  every  thing  for  a  sinner, 
and  a  leetle  ov  it  wont  hurt  a 
saint. 

13 


MAY  MISSCELLANY. 


SKORPIO>  THE  ZODIAK  SKORPION. 

Next  to  the  hornet,  the  skorpion  seems  tew  me  to  be 
pretty  mutch  all  ded  loss.  I  never  had  mutch  faith  in 
enny  kind  ov  a  kritter  who  waz  bilt  only  tew  bite.  Skor- 
pions  do  the  best  in  a  hot  naberhood.  If  a  man  should 
take  all  the  skorpions  in  the  world  up  into  the  northern 
part  ov  Nu  Hampshire  he  would  loze  money  on  them. 
They  wouldn't  thaw  out  thare  in  time  for  bizzness.  I 
never  hav  seen  a  skorpion  only  in  the  zodiak,  and  i  aint 
sorry  for  this.  If  thare  should  ever  be  a  fite  in  the  zodiak 
i  hope  it  will  be  krab  and  skorpion.  This  would  be  a  fite 
in  which  no  one  would  care  whitch  whipt.  I  kant  tell 
yu  just  now  how  the  skorpion  got  aboard  ov  the  zodiak, 
but  bi  looking  at  hiz  piktur  i  should  say  he  stood  2  good 
chances  tew  do  it,  one  waz  tew  enter  hed  fust,  and  the 
other  waz  to  change  ends  and  go  in  that  way. 


FOUND. 

A  malteese  soprano  kat,  about  12  months  old,  singing 
old  hundred  on  a  picket  fence,  late  last  thursda  nite, 
whichever  person  owns  sed  kat  will  find  him  (or  her,  ac- 
cording tew  circumstansis)  in  a  vakant  lot,  just  bak  ov  our 
hous,  still  butiful  in  death. 

ALSO, 
Found  an  old  blew  kotting  umbrel  worth  nothing,  in  place 
ov  a  nu  silk  one  worth  12  dollars  and  fifty  cents,  if  the 
person  who  lost  the  blew  kotting  umbrel  bi  finding  the 
other  one,  hasn't  had  time  enuff  yet  tew  repent  ov  hiz 
blunder,  60  days  longer  will  be  granted  him  tew  weep 
over  the  ackcident. 


14 


31  Days. 


%  o 


a 


MAY. 


Joel  would  swop  for  enny  thing, 
Tin  ware  for  rags,  or  brass, 

Jews  harps  for  hats,  brooms  for  beans, 
Wood  bowls  for  apple  sass. 


1873, 


o 
a 


*l 

V3 

I 

T 

2 

F 

3 

S 

4 

G 

5 

M 

6 

T 

7 

W 

8 

T 

9 

F 

IO 

S 

ii 

G 

12 

M 

13 

T 

14 

W 

IS 

T 

16 

F 

i7 

S 

18 

G 

!9 

M 

20 

T 

21 

W 

22 

T 

23 

F 

24 

S 

25 

G 

26 

M 

27 

T 

28 

W 

29 

T 

30 

F 

31 

S 

Diagnosis, 


$  Lap  dogs 
diskoverd  1310  $  $ 
O  O  ©  mild  and 
tender  ft  &\ 
$,  Kaptin  Kidd 
was  a 
pirate  f  t  t  & 
plaintive  showers 
^  ©  Kaptin  Kidd 
sailed  he  did  [(ft)] 
^  j^t/V  wind  I£ 
V3  J£  A  now  mux 
in  the 
garden  £  |^  "^ 
Q  Horace  Greeley 
born  1 812  r$J 
«/^/  r^2^j  ^v  ,£? 
>fc  S?  now  prepare 
for  dandyljons  TT|, 
£  wind  south  £ 
Horace  Greeley 
iz  a  Tribune  ©  Q 
TT£  ;/^^<^/  showers 
8  now  sarch 
hens  for  eggs  O  6 
^  warm  and  pretty 
c9  ^»  6°  frogs  have 
come    soft  winds 
|gj  Homer  waz 
quite  a  poet  3£l  1^  0 


A-<9ZZ>   67^*7. 


I  don't  kno  az  i  want  to  bet 
enny  money,  and  give  odds,  on 
the  man  who  iz  alwus  anxious  tew 
pra  out  loud  every  chance  he  kan 
git.  ^_ 

A  reputashun  for  happiness 
wants  az  mutch  looking  into  az 
a  reputashun  for  honesty. 


When  a  man  duz  a  good  turn 
just  for  the  phun  ov  the  thing,  he 
haz  got  a  grate  deal  more  virtew 
in  him  than  he  iz  aware  ov. 


Next  tew  the  man  who  iz  worth 
a  millyun,  in  point  ov  wealth,  iz 
the  man  who  don't  kare  a  kuss 
for  it. 

Self-made  men  are  most  alwus 
apt  tew  be  a  leetle  too  proud  ov 
the  job. 

15 


JUNE  MISSCELLANY. 


KAPRIKORNUS,  THE  ZODIAK  GOTE. 

Kaprikornus  the  zodiak  gote  iz  a  sheep  with  hair  on 
him,  and  kan  eat  enny  thing  he  kan  swallow  if  it  chokes 
him.  They  infest  all  over  kreashun,  but  are  thikker  in 
the  upper  part  of  Nu  York  citty  ackording  tew  popula- 
shun  than  otherwise.  Their  principal  bizzness  is  tew  fite, 
and  giv  milk,  they  average  about  a^quart  ov  milk,  and  four 
knokdowns  a  day.  They  kant  klimb  a  greast  pole,  but 
kan  kreep  up  the  side  of  a  rok  az  natral  az  a  wood-bine 
kan.  They  hav  a  krak  in  their  foot,  and  also  one  in  their 
voice,  and  a  mustash  on  their  bottom  lip.  Aries  and 
Kaprikornus  are  the  two  buts  ov  the  zodiak.  In  the  zo- 
diak Kaprikornus  governs  the  kneeze,  and  people  born 
under  this  sighn  are  apt  tew  be  knok  kneed. 


LOST. 

A  bright  bay  poodle  dorg,  5  dollars  reward,  ov  a  warm 
natur,  and  no  questions  asked,  with  one  white  foot  behind, 
will  be  paid  for  hiz  return,  when  he  stole  away,  with  flow- 
ing ears,  or  waz  strayed  by  sumboddy,  answers  tew  Kris- 
topher  Kolumbust,  with  a  brass  colar,  exchange  papers 
pleaze  copy,  and  haz  a  frantik  tale. 


16 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


£  * 


£  3 

£  <u 

o  a 

K  ° 
I 

<y 


1873. 

I 


///>  /for/  7c/#£  #  haravan, 
Piled  hi  with  every  hind 

Ov  dihker  yu  kould  name, 
Besides  sumthin  hitched  behind. 


zz 

ft 
G 

I 

2 

M 

3 

T 

4 

W 

s 

T 

6 

F 

7 

S 

8 

G 

9 

M 

IO 

T 

ii 

W 

12 

T 

13 

F 

14 

S 

*"5 

G 

16 

M 

17 

T 

18 

W 

19 

T 

20 

F 

21 

S 

22 

G 

23 

M 

24 

T 

25 

W 

26 

T 

27 

F 

28 

S 

29 

G 

30 

M 

Diagnosis. 


£*  Now  snatch 

%      cowcumbers 
sighns  ov  hotness  & 
©     Mark  Twain 
born  1839  J#  a 
&     hotter  9 
Mark  iz  a  mello 
•%.    kuss  |Hi 
Til,  showers  ov  rain 
Q  money  iz  tite  $ 
$  more  warmer 
Venus  waz  a 
hansum  woman  © 
(D  mutch  wet  0 

TTJinowdig 
for  strawberrys 
gentle  wetness  £? 
yH  Job  Potter  died 

1856 
sighns  ov  thunder 
6  Job  Potter  died 
ov  death  $1  (§ 

//*<?;v  hotly  n 
V3  now  reap 

assparagrass  n 
6  moist 

wetness  0 
expekt 
muskeetoze.    5  9 


KNUT  KAKES. 


Silence  iz  one  ov  the  lost  arts. 


When  yu  strike  ile  stop  boreing ; 
menny  a  man  haz  bored  klean  thru 
and  let  the  ile  run  out  at  the  bot- 
tom. 


Human  happiness  iz  like  Jos- 
ephs coat,  a  thing  of  menny  col- 
ours. 


Sin  in  the  soul  iz  like  a  slivver 
in  the  flesh ;  mortifikashun  iz  the 
natral  way  tew  git  rid  ov  it. 


Love  often  changes  coquetry  to 
sense,  and  prudery  to  sillyness. 

17 


JULY  MISSCELLANY. 


PISCES,  THE  ZODIAK  FISHES. 

Pisces  are  the  only  two  fishes  we  hav  enny  account  ov 
who  hav  bin  able  tew  swim  on  land  and  not  tutch  bottom. 
It  iz  now  over  4000  years  since  they  cum  ashore  and  took 
lodgings  in  the  zodiak.  It  haz  alwus  been  a  fish-bone  ov 
kontenshun  amung  the  natral  philosophers  whether  they 
belong  tew  the  kodfish,  or  the  sucker  family.  I  hav  bin 
asked  mi  opinyun  on  this  topick  a  100  thousand  times, 
but  hav  alwus  maintained  grate  solemnity  on  the  subjekt. 
It  is  alwus  mi  way  when  i  dont  kno  nothing  about  enny 
thing,  to  look  learned,  and  smile  wisdum.  Mi  private 
opinyun  iz,  that  pisces  iz  a  pikerel,  or  a  porgy,  or  a  perch, 
and  weighed  originally  about  9  pounds,  but  i  dont  want 
to  bet  on  this.  I  kant  tell  whether  Pisces  would  bite  on 
an  angleworm  or  not,  but  i  think  thare  iz  sum  law  aginst 
fishing  in  private  ponds.  Pisces  iz  a  game  fish,  but  what 
hiz  game  iz  i  dont  kno,  but  probably  hi  lo  Jak,  or  draw 
poker. 


EPITAFF. 

Here  she  lize — the  queen  ov  pize, 
Aunt  Sally  Ann  Von  Blixen, 
Apple,  and  mince,  kustard,  and  quince, 
She  couldn't  be  beat  in  mixen. 


Sakred  this  spot — stir  her  up  not — 
Her  grace  all  lay  in  pi  fixen, 
Better  sa  i — go  without  pi, 
Than  wake  up  this  old  vixen. 


18 


31  Days. 


o   O 


fe  - 


O* 


JULY. 


1873. 


o 


For  50  //«'/w  round  about, 
When  jfoel  cum  along, 

The  wimmin  all  tier  ned  out, 
For  swopping  mity  strong. 


6 

Q 

I 

T 

2 

w  1 

3 

T  1 

4 

F 

5 

S 

6 

G 

7 

M 

8 

T 

9 

W 

10 

T 

Ti 

F 

12 

S 

13 

G 

14 

M 

i5 

T 

16 

W 

i7 

T 

18 

F 

19 

S 

20 

G 

21 

M 

22 

T 

23 

W 

24 

T 

25 

F 

26 

S 

27 

G 

28 

M 

29 

T 

30 

W 

3i 

T 

Diagnosis. 


O  O  Kodfish 
balls  invented 

1620  $  a? 
K  &  O  sighns  ov 

heat  ©  ^  V3 
Elizibeth  Spooner 
born 

I365  "5"  ft  $t* 
T\[  $  warm  showers 
Elizibeth  Spooner 
had  the 

meazles  $  8 
%  warm  but  hot  Q 
Elizibeth  Spooner 
had  the 
meazles 

very  thick  Q 
8  £?  If  sighns  ov 

thunder  A    □ 
jgt  SI  <|i  now 
wean  goslins  rft  © 
J£[  K  #  r<wVw  Y3 
Old  dog  Tray- 
died  1492  5  y& 
TTj,  expekt  litening 

now  butcher 

watermellons  0  °f 

%.  intense  hot  /a 

y£  Daniel  Webster 

studdid  law  $  Q 


KORN  BREAD. 


When  a  man  gits  tew  talking 
about  himself  he  seldum  fails 
tew  be  eloquent,  and  frequently 
reaches  the  sublime. 


The  owl  iz  remarkable  for  two 
things,  gravity  and  stupidity. 


Integrity  in  youth  iz  almost 
certain  tew  bekum  wisdum  and 
honor  in  old  age. 


When  a  man  iz  thoroly  lazy  he 
iz  good  for  nothing,  only  to  shoot 
at. 


Most  people  prefer  the  stuffing 
to  the  goose, — the  word  for  the 
idee. 


19 


AUGUST  MISSCELLANY. 


AQUARIUS,  THE  ZODIAK  WATERMAN. 

Aquarius  duz  the  sprinkling  pot  bizzness  for  the  zodiak. 
He  kan  be  seen  enny  klear  day  up  in  the  zodiak  laying 
the  dust  which  the  other  zodiakers  kik  up.  He  iz  a  quiet 
old  gent  about  5  foot  6,  and  wears  a  wool  hat,  and  a 
bull's  eye  watch.  Who  hiz  ansestors  waz  no  one  kan 
tell.  He  iz  an  old  bachelor  now,  but  they  tell  me,  up  in 
the  zodiak,  that  he  alwus  takes  the  most  pains  when  he 
sprinkles  in  front  ov  Virgo.  Thare  iz  a  tradishun  in  Por- 
dunk,  that  Aquarius  was  once  a  tempranse  lekturer,  but 
gitting  too  thin  for  the  bizzness  waz  translated,  and  sot  to 
sprinkling  in  the  zodiak.  Aquarius  haz  charge  ov  the 
leggs  amung  the  sighns  in  the  zodiak,  and  i  notis  that 
water  iz  better  for  the  legs  than  sum  other  fluids  i  know. 


EDUKASHIONAL. 


CLASS  IN  BOTANY  STAND  UP. 

Teacher.  What  kind  ov  a  bird  iz  a  Heron  ? 

Skoller.  A  herring  iz  a  small  fish,  az  full  ov  bones  az  a 
fine  tooth  comb. 

Teacher.  To  what  genus  duz  the  Kat  belong  ? 

Skoller.  The  musikal  genius,  they  lay  around  daze,  and 
chant  around  nites. 

Teacher.  Which  iz  the  wizest  fowl  ? 

Skoller.  The  owl  sir,  bekause  he  hoots  at  most  things. 

Teacher.  What  kind  ov  fish  are  plentyest  in  market 
during  dog  days  ? 

Skoller.  Smelts  sir. 

Teacher.  Class  in  botany  may  set  down. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1873. 


ta  o 
a    c* 

8  s 

S  | 

*   S 

°  3 


O  ' 


Sheep  skins  t  goose  yokes,  and  frying  pans, 
Basnuood  cheeze  from  Goshen, 

Bob  sleds,  brass  rings,  and  bears  ile, 
Waz  sum  ov  Joels  noshuns. 


M 

8 

I 

F 

2 

S 

3 

G 

4 

M 

5 

T 

6 

W 

7 

T 

8 

F" 

9 

S 

IO 

G 

ii 

M 

12 

T 

*S 

W 

14 

T 

*5 

F 

16 

S 

17 

G 

18 

M 

19 

T 

20 

W 

21 

T 

22 

F 

23 

S 

24 

G 

25 

M 

26 

T 

27 

W 

28 

T 

29 

F 

30 

S 

31 

G 

Diagnosis. 


%  Now  pluck 
peaches  T6l 
gs  grate  hotness  ^ 
Andy  Johnson  born 
1812,9 
>fc  hot  grows  $ 
Andy  waz    a    man 
ov  much 
policy  ©  $ 
thunder  and  blixen 
$  now  bull  frogs 
rejoice         £B  wind 
south  $1  © 
©  n  hot  grows 

bigger  ft 
Julia  Pragg  bora 
$1  1830  0 
0  wind  shifty 
Julia    waz  a   laun- 
dress XX  8  hot- 
wind 
Q  now  the  duk 
quaketh  ^  ^ 
CD  #**££  to/j/  5$ 
6  behold  the 
<5  grasshopper  ]JJ 
$  j«w  lightning 
ft  love 

lies 
bleeding  "^  31 


ilf/ZAT  TOAST. 


Suckcess  iz  quite  often  like 
falling  oph  from  a  log,  a  man  kant 
alwus  tell  how  he  kum  to  did  it. 


Most  enny  boddy  thinks  they 
kan  be  a  good  phool,  and  they 
kan,  but  to  play  the  phool  suc- 
cessfully, aint  so  natral. 


I  wouldn't  undertake  tew  kor- 
rekt  a  man's  sektarian  views  enny 
quicker  than  i  would  tell  him 
which  road  tew  take  at  a  4  cor- 
ners, when  i  didn't  kno  miself 
which  waz  the  right  one. 


The  truly  great  are  alwus  the 
eazyest  tew  approach. 


SEPTEMBER  MISSCELLANY. 


SAGITTARIUS,  THE  ZODIAK  BOMAN. 

Sagittarius  iz  the  William  Tell  ov  the  zodiak.  He  lean 
hit  an  apple  on  the  top  ov  Virgo's  hed  200  paces  oph,  and 
not  only  halve  the  apple  into  quarters,  but  knok  the  seeds 
27  different  direkshuns.  He  wins  the  cigars  at  all  the 
target  excursions  in  the  zodiak.  In  shooting  at  a  mus- 
keeter  once  who  had  lighted  onto  the  tail  ov  Leo,  he 
aimed  a  leetle  too  delikate,  and  dekapitated  the  dorsal 
extenshun  ov  Leo.  This  waz  looked  upon  bi  all  the 
other  phellows  in  the  zodiak  az  a  supplementary  shot. 
Leo  waz  laid  up  in  the  horsepittol  for  6  months,  but  hiz 
codicil  grit  out  about  2  foot  more  than  it  waz  before. 
Sagittarius  iz  the  comik  genius  ov  the  zodiak,  and  on 
fourth  of  Julys  shutes  pennys  oph  from  a  stik,  injun  fash- 
ion. In  the  zodiak  sighns  Sagittarius  oversees  the  thighs, 
but  for  what  I  dont  seem  tew  kno. 


FOR  IMMEJIATE  AD  OP  SHUN. 

A  mail  child,  Eleven  months  old,  well  broke  tew  the 
bottle,  9  teeth  kut,  lite  sunset  hair,  without  spot  or  blem- 
ish, no  parents  ov  enny  ackount,  hard  tew  kry,  dont  bite, 
shows  sighns  ov  genius,  and  haz  had  wackshination. 

Enquire  within. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1873. 


SB  > 


a 


When  puter  knives  ivent  oph  slo, 
yoel  waz  a  kunning  kuss9 

He  could  just  turn  to  and  swop 
An  old  /toss  dredful  cluss. 


o 


©    u 


I 

M 

2 

T 

3 

W 

4 

T 

5 

F 

6 

S 

7 

G 

8 

M 

9 

T 

IO 

VV 

ii 

T 

12 

F 

13 

S 

14 

G 

15 

M 

16 

T 

17 

W 

18 

T 

J9 

F 

20 

S 

21 

G 

22 

M 

*?> 

T 

24 

W 

25 

T 

26 

F 

27 

S 

28 

G 

29 

M 

30 

T 

Diagnosis. 


*  It  iz  fall 
2  °p  warm  but  ten- 
der 
$  now  the    leaves 

fall 

5$  butiful  weather 

©  Sam  Jones 

born  1900  V3<®i 

£  TTj,  mild  but 

lovely 

O  Sam  Jones 

was  a 

clam  hunter  ft  % 

SI    T  warm  rains 

Gs  now  the 

hog 

rooteth  § 

<f  smoky  weather  X 

now  the 
Jackass  warbleth  © 
O  (§  sighns  ov 

frost 

the  hen  clucketh  K 

?    ©  it  wants  tew 

rain 

Galen  was 

a 

doktor.   <5   n  0 


STEWED  PRUNES. 


After  a  man  haz  got  a  fast  rate 
opinyun  ov  himself  the  next  best 
thing  tew  hav  iz  the  good  opinyun 
ov  others. 


Heaven  iz  ever  kind  tew  us,  she 
puts  our  humps  on  our  backs  so 
that  we  kant  see  them. 


Wise  men  hav  but  fu  confidents, 
and  cunning  men,  none. 


I  think  i  am  about  right  when  i 
say,  that  all  things  which  do  not 
korrupt  are  innocent. 


Be  yee  humble  before  God, — 
but  resolute  before  men. 

23 


OCTOBER  MISSCELLANY. 


LIBRA,  THE  ZODIAK  SKALES. 

Sixteen  ounces  to  the  pound  wrongs  no  man.  I  dont 
want  enny  better  evidence  that  things  are  strikly  on  the 
square  in  the  zodiak  than  the  fakt,  that  they  keep  a  pair 
ov  skales  up  thare,  and  they  are  alwus  level.  Thare  iz  a 
grate  deal  ov  native  honesty  in  a  pair  of  skales.  When  i 
begun  life,  i  looked  upon  every  boddy  az  honest  az  a  pair 
ov  skales,  but  the  skales  hav  dropt  oph  from  my  eyes  since, 
and  i  begin  tew  look  upon  things  more  az  they  am.  I 
look  upon  every  man  now  az  strikly  honest,  who  kan 
prove  it.  I  want  honesty  weighed  out  to  me  just  az  i  do 
mi  sassage,  16  ounces  tew  the  pound.  Honesty  that 
lacks  an  ounce  in  every  pound  aint  worth  a  kuss.  The 
ounce  that  iz  lacking  iz  just  what  beats  us.  In  the  zodiak 
concern  Libra  holds  the  reins  over  the  anitomikal  hoss. 


THINGS  THAT  KAN  BE  DID. 

One  ov  the  smartest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  drink 
peper  sass. 

One  ov  the  safest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  ride  a 
saw  hoss. 

One  ov  the  surest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  tew  slip  up 
on  the  ice. 

One  ov  the  lazyest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  tew  eat 
soup  with  a  fork. 

One  ov  the  longest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  long  for 
perfekt  happiness. 

One  ov  the  handyest  things  a  man  kan  do,  is  to  giv  hiz 
note  for  90  daze. 


24 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


rt 

TJ 

V 

a 

H 

o 

o 

0 

rt 

cs 

3 

n-. 

3 

g 

£ 

§, 

o» 


'  7Xf  the  fate  ov  kunning  men, 
Ofttimes  tew  pi  a  the  fide  > 

So  with  Joel  when  he  swopt 
Horses  for  a  balky  mule. 


1873. 


P*  S 


¥ 

* 

I 

w 

2 

T 

3 

F 

4 

S 

5 

G 

6 

M 

7 

T 

8 

W 

9 

T 

IO 

F 

ii 

S 

12 

G 

13 

M 

14 

T 

»S 

W 

16 

T 

i7 

F 

18 

S 

*9 

G 

20 

M 

21 

T 

22 

W 

23 

T 

24 

F 

25 

S 

26 

G 

27 

M 

28 

T 

29 

W 

30 

T 

31 

F 

Diagnosis. 


A  ®  Whiskey 
invented  1612 

8  frosty  ft  A 
whiskey  iz 
very  proud 

spirited  ©  If   <b 
^  sharp  frost  £ 

©  £■  T  now 
shuv  checkers  O  © 
TTJ2.  snow  flurry s 
^  Col  Peapod 
born  1500  i£i  tt  * 
Col  Peapod 
waz  a 
Korporal  ^  9  $ 
T$  ©  wind  sharp 
TTL  ©  now 

lay  in 
yure  winter 
kats  n   $    &  <®>  d 

I  J  rot*  I  II 

f  Kats  are  a 

kumfert  ©      $  £00/ 

<$r»  eQ  frogs  quiet 

4  wind  north  % 

©  cider  haz 

cum  5$       iV  r*K«j 

Diogonese  lived  in 
a  barrell  m  ©    now 
chonk  apples  "5 


HAISTI  PUDDIN. 


Thare  aint  nothing  that  iz  a 
sure  kure  for  lazyness,  but  i  hav 
known  a  seckond  wife  tew  hurry 
it  sum. 


It  iz  the  suprizes  ov  life  after 
all  that  give  it  its  zest, — even  a 
rat  makes  things  interesting  bi 
the  natral  suddenness  with  which 
he  cums  out,  or  goes  into  hiz 
hole. 


Real  good  lies  are  gitting  skarse. 


The  greatest  problem  ever  given 
tew  man  to  solve,  and  the  one 
which  he  haz  made  the  least  pro- 
gress in,  iz  "know  thyself." 

25 


NOVEMBER  MISSCELLANY. 
— ;o: —  # 

LEO,  THE  ZODIAK  LION. 

Leo  iz  the  only  real  lion  that  haz  been  allowed  tew  run 
around  loose  amung  folks.  Thus  far  he  haz  abstained 
from  human  flesh.  Thare  iz  a  report  in  the  zodiak  that 
he  and  Taurus  had  sum  words  about  1 5  thousand  years 
ago,  but  i  kant  git  hold  ov  the  fakts  in  the  case.  Leo 
waz  born  in  the  smart  little  village  ov  Numidia  in  the 
state  of  Africa,  ov  unknown  parents,  and  iz  now  260 
thousand  years  old.  Leo  will  j)robably  end  hiz  days  in 
the  zodiak,  and  i  hav  looked  at  Leo's  piktur  in  the  zodiak 
gallery  and  dont  hesitate  tew  rekomend  him  az  a  good  job 
for  all  in  search  ov  a  disinterested  lion.  The  lion  iz  like 
an  auckshioneer  in  ^one  respekt,  hiz  grate  strength  lays  in 
hiz  jaw.  In  the  sighns  ov  the  zodiak  Leo  akts  on  the 
heart,  and  this  ackounts  for  the  human  heart  being  so 
tuff.  Next  to  the  gizzard,  the  heart  iz  the  tuffest  piece  ov 
meat  in  the  whole  human  kritter. 

EXAMININ  A  PORDUNK   VALLEY  RALE 
RODE  KONDUKTOR. 

President.  Have  yu  a  gold  kronometer  worth' 300  dol- 
lars? 

Konduktor.  Not  mutch ! 

President  Do  yu  keep  a  trotter  ? 

Konduktor.  Not  enny ! 

President.  Hav  yu  enny  dimond  rings  ? 

Konduktor.  Nary ! 

President.  Do  yu  own  a  fiteing  dog  ? 

Konduktor.  Nothing  ov  the  sort ! 

President.  How  much  bank  stock  have  yu  got  ? 

Konduktor.  Not  a  red ! 

President.  We  shant  want  yu, — the  Pordunk  valley 
rale  rode  haz  got  done  furnishing  konduktors  with  these 
things. 

26 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1873. 


u 

ru 

1 

J 

Tl 

Tl 

d 

d 

rt 

0-. 

s 

.u 

*9 

<u 

< 

>> 

<u 

tj 

-J 

S3 

<u 

rt 

Ji 

> 

> 

"^ 

!> 

to 

<u 

CJ 

£ 

Zfe  j^/r/  /"//^  mule  for  3  dolldrs* 
Worth  ov. honey  in  the  comb, 

Then  got  himself  between  the  shafts, 
And hauld  the  wagg'ui  home. 


-■  1 


§0   3 
0* 


0 

ft 

I 

S 

2 

G 

3 

M 

4 

T 

5 

W 

6 

T 

7 

F 

8 

S 

9 

G 

10 

M 

n 

T 

12 

W 

13 

T 

14 

F 

i5 

S 

16 

G 

17 

M 

18 

T 

19 

W 

20 

T 

21 

F 

22 

S 

23 

G 

24 

M 

25 

T 

26 

W 

27 

T 

28 

F 

29 

S 

30 

G 

Diagnosis. 


S  ==  now 
ketch  kold  0    ©  © 
£7  raw  but  sour 
^  dough  nuts 
found  1590  TTJ,  g  V3 
K  more  sour  9 
vinegar  invented 
1262  O  *  X  a 
fi  jw/r  inkreases 
^  <®k  A  lemons 
had  856  ©  V3  J0«r 
i**^  ^  rr  <p  c5 

^a  Lazarus 

waz 

a 

poor  man  !%  3Jt  r£i 

(D  O  sighns  ov 

snow  A  0  hash 

fust  mixt  1645  Si 

kold  wetness  I£ 

©  fi  D  2  now  fri 

sassage  $  *£     holder 

TTj,  $  thanksgiving 

threatens  6*  fi 

rain  and  sleet  TTJi  £$ 

e?s  ®  be  wise 
and  yu 

will  know 
sumthing  V3  6°  2 


Z^y>/  CHOPS. 


Whenever  yu  see  a  dokter  who 
alwus  travels  on  the  run,  yu  kan 
bet  he  iz  out  ov  a  job. 


It  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier  tew  be 
a  philosopher  after  a  man  haz  had 
hiz  dinner,  than  it  iz  when  he  dont 
kno  whare  he  iz  a  going  tew  git  it. 


Wit  without  wisdum-  iz  like  a 
song  without  sense,  it  dont  pleaze 
long. 

I  dont  bet  on  prekoshus  chil- 
dren, the  huckelberry  that  ripens 
the  soonest  iz  alwus  the  fust  tew 
dekay. 

The  bulk  ov  mankind  are  mere 
imitators  ov  poor  originals. 


27 


DECEMBER  MISSCELLANY. 


GEMINI,  THE  ZODIAK  TWINS. 

I  have  asked  several  literary  people  if  they  would  tell 
me  whoze  two  children  the  Gemini  waz,  but  they  all  shook 
their  heds,  and  begun  tew  whissell.  Maybe  they  thought 
i  waz  a  kondem  phool.  I  would  just  like  tew  know  all 
about  this.  Thare  iz  2  things  in  this  life  for  which  we  are 
never  fully  prepared,  and  them  iz  twins.  The  zodiak 
twins  are  a  kupple  ov  nice  little  phellows,  if  their  piktur 
aint  mistaken  on  the  subjekt.  I  never  hav  saw  them 
only  in  their  pikturs.  Twins  are  two  very  interesting 
acksidents  tew  happen  in  sumboddy  elses  family,  but  one 
twin  at  a  time  suits  me  the  most.  In  the  zodiak  sighns, 
the  Gemini  akt  on  the  arms.  I  have  alwus  noticed  that 
when  a  person  haz  twins  the  sighns  are  in  the  arms. 


CLASS  IN  METAPHISICKS  STAND    UP. 

Teacher.  Which  iz  the  most  stubborist  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  klam,  he  wont  budge  a  bit ! 

Teacher.  Who  iz  the  most  open  gaited  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  swine,  he  kan  open  enny  kind  ov  a  gate  ! 

Teacher.  Which  iz  the  most  sure  footedest  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  mewel,  he  kan  hit  a  man  twice  in  a  seck- 
ond  10  foot  oph. 

Teacher.  Who  iz  the  most  foolishest  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  goose,  he  dont  kno  enuff  to  go  in  when 
it  rains. 

Teacher.  Class  in  metaphisicks  may  set  down. 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1873. 


1 

to    *0 

i« 

3 

<u    o 

.a  9 

£  1 

I  * 


.#?*  wife  (  God  bless  her)  went  out  tew  push, 

And  learn  whi  this  waz  sulM, 
Joel  dropt  a  tear,  and  sedt 

"Hannah  I  Vve  swopt  once  tew  mutch" 


2 

TO 

I 

M 

2 

T 

3 

W 

4 

T 

5 

F 

6 

S 

7 

G 

8 

M 

9 

T 

IO 

W 

ii 

T 

12 

F 

13 

S 

14 

G 

15 

M 

16 

T 

i7 

W 

18 

T 

!9 

F 

20 

S 

21 

G 

22 

M 

23 

T 

24 

W 

25 

T 

26 

F 

27 

S 

28 

G 

29 

M 

30 

T 

31 

W 

Diagnosis: 


H  The  fust 

flea  kaught 
1210  U  ¥  & 

©  bitter  hold  $ 
^  #  the  flea 
got  away  §  $  © 
$  iV  snows  V    now 
assasinate  hogs  f  f 
<^  Rachel  Blood- 
good  born  1 813 

hold  &  n  T  ^  TTJ, 

^4  1$?  Rachel 

waz  a 

spinster  TT[  0  % 

§  Rachel 
spun  yarns  S  $ 
6  ice  2  foot  thick 
on  the  level  T9$! 
sumwhat  holder 
D0H  now 

attak  buk  wheat 
kakes  $  ^  <S  Q 
If  awful  hold  |=| 

^  ^  fgj  hot 
lemonade 
diskoverd  1306   1£ 
Qexpeht  snow  3^3 
V3  Good-bye      ° 


BROOK  TROUT. 


The  principal  importanse  ov  a 
mistery  iz  the  mistery  itself, — 
what  makes  a  ghost  so  respeckt- 
able  a  karakter  iz,  that  noboddy 
ever  saw  one. 


Affektashun  alwus  looks  well  in 
a  monkey. 


Trieing  to  define  love,  iz  like 
trieing  tew  tell  how  yu  kum  tew 
brake  thru  the  ice, — all  yu  know 
about  it  iz,  yu  fell  in  and  got 
ducked. 


A  wize  man  never  enjoys  him- 
self so  mutch,  nor  a  phool  so 
little,  az  when  alone. 


29 


LATEST  NUZE. 

Dik  Blister  waz  arrested  yesterday  bi  offiser  Pinkerton 
for  trieing  tew  pass  a  counterfit  omnibuss,  on  a  50  cent 
driver,  ov  the  23'  street  line  ov  stages.     Held  for  exami- 
nashun. 
********** 

It  iz  sed  (but  not  dffishall)  that  Mr.  &  Mrs.  Punchinello 
will  not  visit  the  white  mountains  next  season.  Their 
dauter  Betsey  Punchinello  iz  sed  tew  be  engaged  to  the 
Baron  Von  Chalk,  and  the  family  will  enter  seklttshun  on 
this  ackount. 

«$C        *p.  »i*        5jS        wfc  SjC        SjS        5}C        3§C        9jC 

A  writer  in  Blackwood's  magazine  estimates  that  thare 
haint  been,  in  all,  over  200  fleas  killed  since  the  flood. 

O11  dit,  that  Dick  Manchester  haz  quit  the  3  kard  monte 
bizzness,  and  iz  starring  it  legitimately,  at  Sing  Sing,  on  a 
2  years  engagement. 

*  *  *  *  *  'fi  *jJ  *  *  >,* 

We  are  pleased  tew  notiss  the  growing  popularity  ov  Mr. 
&  Mrs.  David  Jibboom,  their  respektibility  iz  now  fully 
established,  having  appeared  on  the  avenew  with  a  two 
hoss  carriage,  and  a  slitely  coloured  driver,  with  a  velvet 
hat  band,  and  two  rows  of  brass  buttons. 

The  latest  agony  in  poodles  iz  saffron,  with  steel  col- 
oured eyes. 

********** 

Matilda  O'Brigham,  four  days  in  her  last  place,  with  a 
karakter,  will  receive  proposals  at  her  residence  in  makrel 
row.  No  objekshuns  to  going  into  the  country  for  the 
summer  az  companyun  tew  a  lady  provided  suitable  ref- 
erences are  given.  Lessons  on  the  piano  will  be  taken 
instead  ov  the  usual  presents  expekted  from  the  family. 


30 


tf  }J~  /ifyT^.     'La^?X  ^y^^^  %:     Ccssi^T 


T.    KIRKPATRICK, 

No.  889  BROADWAY, 

COR.    19th    ST.,  NEW    YORK. 


|iinmft  ||J3tcliei  S  |ra  |qw dry. 


DIAMOND  SETTING  A  SPECIALTY. 


<&n^ 


PARK    AVENUE    HOTEL, 

PARK  AVENUE,   32c!  5c  33d   STREETS,   NEW  YORK. 


The  only  absolutely  Fire-proof  Hotel  in  New  York.  Unsurpassed 
in  Furniture  and  Appointments,  peculiarly  adapted  to  the  Comfort  and 
Convenience  of  Families  and  Guests. 

Board,  with  Single  Room,  $3  per  Day.  Parlors  at 
Equally  Low  Prices. 

The  location  being  on  the  line  of  the  New  York  Central,  Hudson 
River,  Harlem  and  New  Haven  Railroads,  this  Hotel  presents  Special 
Advantages  to  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  visiting  the  City  either  for  a  day 
or  longer. 

HENRY    CJL.A.IR,    Manager. 


TWELVE  ANSESTRALS  SIGHSS 


BILLINGS'  ZODIAC  GALLERY. 


12 


II 


10 


KEY    TEW    THE    ABLTV    PERFORMANSE. 


Adzephameniahjehomelksephatisideksoldutermanonomyporandkbe 
ajamainskaekleluksiasetiksnebumusdkenehzzeranmidlkbillings. 


SIGHNS  AND  WONDERS  FOR 
YEAR  1874. 


THE 


Whenever  yu  see  a  yung  man  hanging  around  a  korner 
grosery,  and  drinking  3  cent  gin  every  time  he  kan  git 
enny  boddy  tew  ask  him,  yu  kan  make  up  yure  mind 
that  he  haz  bin  unanimously  nominated  for  the  stait 
prizon,  and  will  probably  git  his  elekshun. 


Whenever  yu  see  an  old  goose  setting  on  a  post  hole, 
and  trieing  tew  hatch  the  hole  out,  yu  kan  cum  tew  the 
konklushun  that  she  is  strikly  a  one  idee  goose. 


Whenever  a  forlorn  kat  gits  under  yure  windo,  in  a  hot 
nite,  and  begins  tew  holler,  yu  may  kno  that  kat  wants 
sumthing, — killing,  probberbly. 


Whenever  yu  see  a  dog  stop  suddintly,  in  the  road, 
with  a  flee  onto  him,  and  begin  tew  flea  round,  and  round, 
after  himself,  untill  he  falls  down,  and  rools  over,  yu  will 
say  tew  yureself,  that  dorg  iz  like  the  wicked,  he  fleas, 
when  no  man  perseweth. 


=71 


OIL  OF  KONSOLASHUN. 

The  "  Josh  Billings  Allminax"  iz  one  ov  our  tex  books, 
at  the  Pordunk  Feminine  Institoot 

Mrs.  Charity  Skidmore,  A.M. 


Medisin  Book — Ugh  ! ! 

Spotted  tally  Chief  ov  the  Pawnees. 


Full  ov  thought,  full  ov  pathos,  full  ov  phun. 

John  Brace,  L.L.D. 


It's  a  big  thing,  bi  Jupiter. 

Billy  Murdok. 


How  spontaneous !     How  pathetic !     How  preponder- 
ating !     How ! — How  are  yu  Josh  ! 

Doktor  Blake. 


Oh  yu  pesky  thing,  Josh !  yu  are  too  killing. 

Sally  Ann  Sprauge. 


ADAM  BILLINGS. 

HIZ  MEMORANDUM. 

Adam  Billings  waz  the  fust  ov  the  Billingses.  He  waz 
verry  phatt.  Little  did  he  dream  ov  the  glorious  krop 
that  waz  a  going  tew  spring  up  from  hiz  sowing.  He  waz 
born,  az  near  as  i  kan  figger,  about  the  year  1200,  more 
or  less.  Hiz  temper  iz  represented  az  being  az  even  az 
the  figger  2.  Hiz  habits  were  az  pure  az  the  mountain 
dew ;  he  never  drinkt  enny  spiritous  rum,  nor  root  eleva- 
tors. He  went  barefutt  untill  hiz  32d  year,  and  ever 
afterwards  luved  the  naked  futt.  He  waz  a  good  danser, 
and  realized  thoze  blessed  old  shake  downs,  now  gone 
and  fled.  He  waz  named  after  the  original  Adam,  and 
iz  sed,  bi  them  who  remember  them  both,  tew  resembel 
him  mutch  in  the  kast  ov  hiz  face.  He  waz  too  fond  ov 
the  marvelous,  he  wouldn't  tell  a  lie  exackly,  but  he  could 
cum  az  near  tew  it,  az  a  swallo  kan  to  a  frog's  noze,  when 
they  skim  a  mud  puddle.  Adam  Billings  iz  now  ded,  i 
beleave,  but  if  he  aint,  and  this  should  meet  hiz  eye,  he 
kant,  i  think,  but  admire  the  square  manner  in  which  his 
luvely  relik  haz  handled  his  case.  Adam  Billings  didn't 
leave  much  reputashun  behind  him,  but  what  he  did 
leave,  is  fair  tew  middling.  We  nee'r  shall  see  him 
more.  Probably  not.  Too  true.  Rather  melankolly 
than  otherwise. 


MORAL. 

Thare  iz  naut  so  hard  for  grief  tew  handle, 
Az  the  man  whoze  ribs  are  phatt 's  a  kandle. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1874. 


o 
& 

N 

fcJJ    Of 


J>CDU)snC 


iSCHOOU 


.9 


R 


£  S- 


In  Pordunk  town  thare  lived  a  mant 
A  man  ov  small  posses  hion9 

Hezekiah  Birch  waz  hiz  name, 
A  teacher  biprofeshun. 


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Kronollogy. 


KINDLING    WOOD. 


5  Q  Now  hold 
weather  IX  = 

TFJ1    haz  froze     1§L 
(J»  p£>     the  tender 
bull  frog     (5r»  ^  j£i 
*  Q     up  solid 
©  0  n  and  the 
melodious  goose 
iz  hush         fg* 
$  in  stillness 

#  @      and  the 

old  she  kat       3 
0    dreams  beneath 

the         £*   5 
cook  stove     X   and 

6  the  luscious 
slapjax  smokes   "*? 
a    on  the  table    ft 

£r  *  5    and  the 
Widow  Stebbins' 

8  SI        wood  pile 
grows  less         % 
every  day 
1U  ©  n    and  the 
roze  that     )tf  0£t 
YS      all  are  praizing 
iz  not  the         $( 
roae  for       ^  <£>  ft 
me   (JS^*  or  enny 
other  man  !  !  I  0 


Snobs  are  alwus  toadys. 


Diogoneze  hunted  in  the  da 
time  for  an  honest  man,  with  a 
lantern ;  if  he  had  lived  in  theze 
times,  he  would  hav  needed  the 
hed  lite  ov  a  lokomotiff. 


A  pedant  iz  like  a  yung  rooster, 
he  crows  in  season,  and  out  ov 
season. 


Thare  iz  no  kure  for  vanity, 
gitting  thoroly  wet  cums  the  near- 
est to  it,  for  the  time  being. 


ZEPHENIAH  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Zepheniah  Billings  waz  a  phiddler  bi  birth  and  pur- 
swashun.  He  also  had  another  natral  gift,  and  that  waz 
tew  owe  everyboddy.  Late  in  life  he  quit  phiddling,  and 
took  up  shumaking ;  but  the  world  lost  a  good  phidler  bi 
the  operashun,  and  got  a  kussid  poor  shumaker.  Oh ! 
'tis  ever  thus.  At  hiz  final  deth  he  owed  upwards  ov  70 
dollars,  and  hiz  leavings  konsisted  ov  one  old  plpddle, 
and  a  pint  ov  bass  wood  shupegs.  He  would  travel  on 
foot  7  miles  tew  a  kuntry  tavern,  and  phiddle  all  nite  at 
a  kuntry  bawl  for  75  cents,  and  owe  the  landlord  two 
dollars  and  a  half  nex  morning  for  vittles  and  drink. 
Zeph'  was  an  unprofitable  man  to  know,  for  he  couldn't 
tend  an  evening  meeting,  on  Sunday,  without  running 
into  det  to  sumboddy.  It  waz  sed  ov  him,  that  he  waz 
never  known  tew  shed  a  tear  or  pa  a  det.  He  died 
finally,  and  i  presume  he  was  saved ;  but  he  may  hav  bin 
lost,  for  accidents  will  happen  in  the  uppermost  familys. 
He  had  a  cool  hed,  and  a  warm  harte.  Bless  Zepheniah 
Billings,  he  was  a  ripe  skollar  on  the  phiddle,  and  could 
pla  "Tare  her  down  Sal,"  and  sich  dear  old  sweet- 
savoured  things,  klean  up  tew  perfekshun.  He  haz  gone 
now,  allass !  allass !  but  i  am  prepared  tew  say,  in  the 
language  ov  another,  "Bully,  for  yu,  Zepheniah!"  All 
flesh  iz  grass.     So  iv'e  bin  told.     Funny.     Mutch. 


MORAL. 


To  kure  the  fidgits  and  calm  the  bile, 
The  phiddle  iz  like  kastor  ile. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1874. 


.a  d 

rt     Of 

I 


.T^r  twenty  long  and  weary  years, 
He  meekly  7Vorkt  for  others  good, 

And  well  he  taught  the  distrik  shool, 
Boar  din  round  the  naborhood. 


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JCronollogy. 


Now  marry  ©   now 
thrash  oats  §  now 
«f     puntch  fires   % 
now  ketch  rats  £2 
%  now  eat      H 
*^     hash  TTC 
J*(    now 
*>    grease  boots    £ 
.  \  •  0    nowpla 
^    checkers  T  now 
sing  sams     5$  ©  $ 
A  ®  now  chew 
gum   |§|  ©  now 
[§§]    kurlhair  (!) 
now  mux       £ 
2    sassage  3  now 
$        jerk  wood 
now  kil  duks    8 
(ft)   now 
kil  time    [f  ]  5   now 

%&*     swop  hens 
A  £S  *  O      now 
yoke  steers     $ 
now  tell        ©  1JT 

£    yarns — now 

sighn  the  pledge  [?] 

©  now  go  to  bed  © 


PLUM  PITS. 


Human  natur  iz  like  cow  natur, 
i  hav  known  them  both  tew  giv  a 
good  mess  ov  milk,  and  then  kik 
it  over. 


I  luv  a  phool,  what  little  i  kno 
i  hav  larnt  by  hanging  around 
them. 


Munny  makes  munny.  We  all 
ov  us  take  our  korn  to  the  ritch 
miller  tew  hav  it  ground. 


Thare  iz  two  kinds  ov  wize  peo- 
ple in  this  world,  the  wize  and  the 
unwize. 


JEHOSSAPHATT  BILLINGS. 


HIS    MEMORANDUM. 


Jehossiphat  Billings  waz  a  very  kluss  man  ;  he  never 
waz  known  tew  waste  ennything,  by  giving  it  away.  The 
grate  extravaganse  ov  hiz  life,  and  the  one  he  never  for- 
got tew  speak  ov,  waz  giving  3  dollars  towards  bilding 
the  Pordunk  meetin  hous.  After  he  giv  the  munny,  he 
took  such  a  deep  interest  in  the  work  on  the  metin  house, 
that  the  kommitty  waz  obliged  tew  giv  him  bak  the  mun- 
ny to  git  shut  ov  him.  He  swore  he'd  sue  them  for  the 
interest  on  the  munny,  but  he  never  did.  Jehoss'  Bil- 
lings waz  one  ov  them  kind  ov  men  who  mistake  avarice 
for  ekonetny.  He  died  at  the  age  of  63,  if  i  hav  sarched 
right,  from  an  overdose  ov  klam  chowder  drank  at  a  free 
lunch.  Jehossiphatt  Billings  had  his  phailings,  but  rek- 
less  extravaganse  want  amung  the  lot,  he  also  had  his  vir- 
teus,  but  blind  and  irrepressible  generosity  want  among 
this  lot  neither.  He  waz  buried,  without  eny  fuss,  in 
the  year  1286.  What  has  bekum  ov  him  I  kant  state. 
Sleep  on,  Jehossiphat,  in  thi  slumbers.  I  would  like  tew 
say  sum  more  about  Jehoss',  but  i  kant  without  telling  the 
truth.  Truth  iz  sumtimes  like  a  hot  pertato,  the  only 
way  tew  handle  it  eazy,  is  tew  drop  it.  I  will  dri  up 
here.     The  end.     Hush !     Lay  low. 


MORAL, 


The  klussest  man  i  ever  knu, 
Waz  Deakon  Erastus  Meggs, 

Tew  save  expense,  he  oft  would  sett, 
Hiz  pullets  on  spile-ed  eggs. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1874. 


$9 
I  St 


/K?  sawed  the  wood  and  bilt  the  fires. 
And  while  the  boys  were  playing, 

Hurried,  and  swept  the  skool  hous  out. 
And  dun  a  little  praying. 


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Kronollogy. 


*£*  ©   Tell  me 
yee  whispring 
winds    <3t    when    % 
$1  TT£  tt^  hens 
«f    will  lay      <s\ 
and 
$      what  will  )(^ 
be  next    *f   $?  £h 
0  If   spring 
the  price         £   9 
ov  hay     TTJ, 
©  X  £?         and 
tell  me  if    ^  |  n 
$    ^       yu  kan 

whare  i  will  5$ 
T  $  find  an  honest 
man  fi  <£>  and  © 
©     also  tell  me    8- 

0  whare  all 
?   Q  ©  the  modest 
wimmin  are  Jft  rji  5 
Tf  tell  me    #    6 
r£i  theze  things 
and  tell  me     g    T 

/%   true    £  and 
^    whispring 
winds    5$  a   © 

Hi  x     i'llbe    $ 
rrt  mutch  obliged 
^  to  yu  A 


SNAPPIN  TURKLES. 


Humility  iz  cup  bearer  to  wis- 
dum. 


Thare  iz  plenty  ov  pholks  in 
this  world  whoze  hartes  bleed  for 
the  poor,  but  whoze  pocket-books 
never  do. 


The  man  who  iz  willing  tew 
help  everyboddy  (i  am  sorry  to 
say  this),  iz  willing  tew  be  cheated 
by  everyboddy. 


If  i  kan  set  the  fashions  for  a 
people,  i  dont  kare  who  makes 
their  laws. 


MELKISIDEK  BILLINGS. 

HIZ   MEMORANDUM. 

Melkisidek  Billings  waz  a  dandy  ov  the  old  skool,  and 
also  a  lover.  He  loved  the  whole  entire  femail  popula- 
shun.  He  parted  hiz  hare  in  the  middle,  and  did  it  un- 
kommon  even.  He  had  one  grate  weakness  which  grew 
on  him,  and  that  waz  the  length  ov  hiz  little  finger-nale. 
Historians  say  that  this  finger-nale  gru  tew  be  a  yard  in 
length,  but  it  strikes  me  that  this  must  be  a  profound  lie. 
He  waz  a  very  punktillious  man,  in  hiz  every-day  wear, 
and  drest  chuck  up  tew  the  fashun.  Melkisidek  hadn't 
mutch  branes,  but  he  didn't  need  much,  for  hiz  bizzness 
thru  life  waz  the  lover  bizzness.  Just  before  he  died 
he  marrid,  and  left  one  dauter,  a  sentimental  offspring, 
who  afterwards  run  away,  at  the  age  ov  16,  with  a  dan- 
sing  master.  Mel'  Billings  waz  ov  the  nuter  jender,  he 
hadn't  karakter  enuff  to  do  enny  hurt,  and  ov  kourse 
kouldn't  do  enny  good.  He  died  about  the  right  time, 
anno  dominoze,  1695,  and  waz  buried  comfortably  in  the 
grave  yard,  at  lower  Pordunk  town.  Melkisidek  Billings 
waz  mi  ansesstor,  and  that  waz  kind  in  him.  He  had  an 
epitaff  on  hiz  stone  which  i  dont  rekolekt  ov  ever  seeing 
in  print  before,  and  for  the  benefit  ov  those  who  studdy 
theze  memorandums  i  will  translate  it.  "  An  honest  man 
iz  the  nob  less  work  ov  God"     Good,  aint  it  ?     Rather  ! 


MORAL. 

Dandys  are  a  harmless  crew, 
Ov  the  butterfly  purswashun ; 

Happy  with  a  nektie  new, 

Hero's  ov  sum  small  ockashun. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


.3 


I 


1874. 


«  I 


In  this  big,  but  pekuliar  world. 
Not  a  friend  had  Hezekiah, 

The  boys  put  pins  into  hiz  chair. 
And  water  in  hiz  hair  diah. 


*  I 


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Kronollogy. 


!$  Hark  g£  the 
violet  cums     .„  """ 
on  tip  toze        ■" 
\3     and  the 
yello   dandy    Q    J£ 
*a  ^      lion  gilds 
the  sod   ©    and 

krickets  kraul    0 
>£  TTJ1  £     from  out 
their  holes  O  © 
Q     and  loafers 
seek  the  sun   0  S 
J5(     and  dogs 
A     0         tree  kats 

and  frogs  begin 
!*r  tew  jabber  $ 
TTH.  9    and  tinkers 

tramp   £?    and 
April  phool  *f  $  rfr 

n      grins  at 
every  corner  23  8 
^  &  and  —  hark 
from  the  tombs  £ 
©   Q  a  doleful 
•     [!!]    sound 
*f    mine  ears        ^ 
attend  >  &  "%?  H 

$    the  cry  £\  r£> 
and  so  forth  £.  ^ 


QUALE   ON  TOAST. 


Sum  pholks  are  like  kats,  so 
well  ballanced  that  they  alwuss 
strike  on  their  feet  when  they 
fall. 


Lovers  are  alwuss  defineing 
their  extacys,  but  they  are  in  no 
better  condishun  tew  do  it,  than 
a  drunken  man  iz  tew  deliver  a 
tempranse  lektur. 


Silence  iz  alwus  safe. 


False  praze  iz  the  wust  kind  ov 
slander. 

13 


SOLO  MAN  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Soloman  Billings  waz  born  the  26th  ov  May,  1322,  old 
stile.  He  waz  knone  far  and  near  for  hiz  chunks  ov 
wisdura,  but,  like  Soloman  ov  old,  he  could  talk  wisdum 
better  than  he  could  do  it.  This  iz  the  way  with  all  the 
wize  men  i  hav  met  lately.  Soloman  Billings  waz  a  leetle 
slippery,  but  he  managed  tew  git  thru  life  without  slipping 
down  mutch,  and  died  reazonably  well.  He  waz  sed,  bi 
all  who  knu  him,  tew  be  chuk  full  ov  wisdum  ;  he  could 
tell,  bi  looking  at  the  egg,  how  mutch  a  goslin  would 
weigh  before  it  waz  born,  and  when  the  best  time  waz 
tew  set  a  hen  or  a  gate-post.  Sol's  mouth  waz  full  ov 
wisdum ;  litening  couldn't  strike  a  tree,  just  for  fun,  but 
what  he  would  preach  a  moral  sermon  from  the  tex.  He 
waz  dredful  sertain  ov  what  he  did  kno,  and  want  the 
least  bit  unsertain  ov  what  he  didn't  kno.  I  find  in  dig- 
ging down  tew  the  hard  pan  ov  Soloman,  mi  ansesstor, 
that  he  had  a  grate  deal  ov  vanity,  a  large  amount  ov  im- 
pudense,  a  good  supply  ov  inkredulity,  just  the  things,  for 
all  the  world,  tew  make  a  wize  phool  out  of.  He  died  az 
aforesed,  and  i  look  bak  upon  him  az  one  who  haz  de- 
parted this  life.  Adew,  Soloman,  mi  ansesstor.  Deth  iz 
tuff.     Sumwhat !     I  will  add,  quite. 


MORAL. 

Wisdum  chunks  are  chunkier  far, 
Than  all  the  chunks  that  chunky  ar. 


31  Days. 


S  o 


MAY. 


1874. 


8  I 


7^<?  jvb//<?  kominitty  made  him  work, 
(How  hrewel  and  wiphealling,) 

For  less  than  a  bartender  gits, 
A?id  nary  chance  for  stealing. 


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Kronollogy. 


I^i    Now  the 

vain  rooster     r±i  TQi 
5     *    splits  hiz 

thrut    ^      and 
$  hope  exultant  0 
spreds  her    &  O 
£?    downy  wing 
and  life  iz  short    ^ 
©  0    but  sweet 
)$    and  lettiss    T3£ 
grows  apace 
(9   and  giv  me    £> 
3$  liberty  or     53 
*a     giv  me  deth 
fr^n  and  what's 
U  the  matter    0 
with  Hannah     © 

©      and  hav 
yu  heard         Q  © 
TIE.  that  deakon 
Jones         "j*T 
0  •  5  £  -3   haz 
lost  a        Y3     <fc 
^  d  heifer 
*         and  sich     /a\ 

iz  life      <2> 
and  wood-    $       $ 
6     &     man      Q 
spare  that     1% 
$  6  tree  0  and  0 


POP  KORN. 


I  dont  kare  what  a  mans 
kondishun  in  life  iz,  if  he  iz  too 
mutch  for  the  kondishun  he  iz  a 
hero. 


Avarice     iz    about     the    only 
pashun  that  improves  by  age. 


The    truly   brave    are    alwus 
generous. 


He  whom  prosperity  makes 
humble  and  thankful,  adversity 
haz  no  power  over. 


Id 


DUTERONOMY  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM, 

Duteronomy  Billings  waz  a  square  man.  He  waz  az 
square  az  the  bloks  on  a  checker-board.  He  waz  just 
the  same  kind  ov  a  man  in  the  fall,  az  he  waz  in  the 
spring  ov  the  year;  yu  didn't  hav  tew  winter  him  tew 
find  out  who  he  waz.  He  alwus  did  az  he  agreed,  but 
waz  dredful  bakward  about  agreeing.  Duteronomy  waz 
immense  in  one  thing,  and  that  waz  the  length  ov  hiz 
noze.  He  had  more  noze  ackordin,  than  enny  man  in 
history.  One  writer  ov  the  eleventh  sentury,  sez  hiz 
noze  waz  8  inches  in  length,  and  another  makes  it  a 
frackshun  over  10  inches;  i  will  split  the  difference,  and 
call  it  7.  If  Dute'  waz  alive  now,  i  think  he  would  sus- 
tain mi  figgures.  In  writing  theze  details  ov  mi  ansess- 
tors,  i  am  guided  bi  a  luv  tew  do  a  square  thing,  and  if  i 
er,  it  will  be  all  owing  tew  mi  luk.  I  never  waz  right 
lucky  since  I  had  the  meazles.  They  took  place  in  the 
14th  year  ov  mi  age,  when  i  lived  with  mi  unkle.  I  had 
them  too  thik.  Duteronomy  Billings  waz  named  after 
old  Duteronomy  ov  bible  times,  and  az  ansesstors  run, 
he  waz  a  very  good  kind  ov  a  one  tew  hav.  He  died  az 
he  had  lived,  exackly  square.  In  konklushun  i  will  say 
lie  still  dear  Dute',  yu  hav  got  a  square  thing.  Thare 
iz  force  in  the  idee.  I  may  add,  grate  force.  Very. 
Indeed. 


MORAL. 

Sum  men  are  <?ktagon, 
And  sum  three-sided  are, 

*T is  mortal  tuff  tew  find  one 
Who  iz  kompletely  square. 

16 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


B 

0) 

8  h 
I 


NDEMir 


1874. 


> 
5 


7^0  kiwered  oyer  with  sich  abuse, 

He  never  font  a  gen  it, 
The  very  wuss  that  Hez1  would  kuss, 

Waz  the  simple  word  kondemit. 


8" 


z? 

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Kronollogy. 


^  Can  the 
leopard  change    $ 

0  hiz  name  ©  waz 
Norval  on  the    Jft. 
Grampine  hills 
%-  he  loved  not    fll 
wizely  but  too  % 
0  menny  Q  cooks 
spile  n  the  brakeing 
ttc  wares  dashed  £,v 
hi  low  Jak  V3  and 
Q  )fa  the  game 
of  brag  iz  good     0 
tfci    but  holdfast 
iz  better     9    ^ 
O  D   8-  late  than 
never  too  old      Til, 

A  to  learn  £ 
6      O     the  luxury 

ov  doing 

®  good  ©  bye   ? 

sweetheart 

If  and  George      0 

Q  ©  Washington 

waz 
the  father     Z?  ip 
K   ^  ov  hiz 

natiff      £   O 
***    Q    land  0    2 


KREAM  OV  TARTAR. 


Vice   makes   a   man  kunning, 
virtew  makes  him  wize. 


The  ritch  spend  their  time  in 
kreating  wants,  the  poor  in  grati- 
fying them, — the  poor  are  the 
most  sensible. 


The  man  who  iz  the  most  fraid 
tew  die,  iz  the  one  who  knows 
least  how  tew  liv. 


I  had  rather  be  a  boy  again, 
than  tew  be  the  autokrat  ov  the 

world. 

*i  


17 


PORKANBEANS   BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Porkanbeans  Billings  lived  and  throve  in  the  16th  sen- 
tury.  He  loved  a  horse  with  grate  power.  He  could 
swop  a  horse  clusser  than  enny  man  that  imparshall  his- 
tory tells  ov.  He  iz  sed  tew  have  swopped  Deakon 
Absolem  Featherweight,  klean  out  ov  a  5  year  old  sorrel 
horse,  at  one  swop,  and  the  deakon  waz  looked  upon  az 
almost  insurmountable  in  a  dikker.  Not  tew  disguise 
the  fakt,  Porky  Billings  waz  a  hoss  jockey  ov  the  an  shunt 
daze,  one  who  hung  around  the  village  tavern,  and  alwuss 
had  on  hand  an  old  flag- tailed  pelter,  with  a  glass  eye, 
tew  trade  with  ennyboddy.  I  dont  feal  like  bragging  ov 
Porkanbeans  az  an  ansesstor,  but  i  must  say,  az  a  horse 
jockey,  (if  all  reports  are  trew)  i  feal  proud  ov  him.  I 
forgot  tew  state,  that  Porky  left  no  property.  Thare  iz 
a  grate  deal  ov  genius  in  the  horse-swop  bizzness  but 
fu  assetts.  Porkanbeans  died  instantly,  sumwhare  about 
the  fust  ov  the  1 7th  sentury.  He  waz  struk  bi  the  hind 
feet  ov  a  mule.  Moral  karakter  even  wont  save  a  phello- 
being  from  dissolushun,  when  a  mule  goes  for  him  with 
both  hind  feet  at  once.  Sich  iz  life.  Sich  iz  the  mule. 
Porkanbeans  haz  my  sympathy,  he  also  haz  mi  tears,  but 
i  dont  serpose  they  will  be  worth  mutch  tew  him  now,  he 
iz  too  ded.  Fairwell  old  phello-being,  fairwell  mi  an- 
sesstor. Deth  iz  our  porshun.  I  think  i  kan  say  this 
without  making  a  phool  ov  miself.  Undoubtedly.  Yes. 
Jiss  so. 

MORAL. 
Tew  swop  a  horse  and  not  git  beat, 

Iz  sumthing  nice  tew  brag  on, 
I  tried  it  once,  and  that's  the  time 

I  lost  a  horse — and  waggon. 


18 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


d   g 


T3    O 


o> 


PomS 


BEAtfS    V 


3*^p> 


Zto///  talk  to  me  ov  anshunt  yob, 
Ov  biles  he  had  a  plenty, 

But  they  were  all  one  breed  ov  biles, 
Leasiwize  19  out  ov  twenty. 


1874. 

> 
1 

a  > 
I  I 

SB     ^ 
*     *d 

©P 
5 

«   3 


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Kronollogy. 


SHOOTING  STARS. 


%      Grate  hot  & 

SI  Billy  Buckram 
died  1304  ^     3 

ML*  jarry  the    V3 
news  to  Mary  fi 
*  iti  hotter  still  $? 

i  luv  it   0  hot 
inkreases     1£    $   9 
(5    d    i  luv  it   /a 
still  hotter  TTl    that 

old  arm  chair    r±i 
*f    ^  awful  hot 
and  who  shall 

$  more  hot  A 
chide  me    ©  cooler 
U  V3   with  rain  £? 

•»o   £  for  luving 
lightning  and 
thunder  $  Jft  H 

that  0  still  hot 
T  5  that  9  Nancy 
Dodge  born     ©  )$ 

1786  X  old 
n    arm  chair     $^* 

©  o>  wind  south 
mad  dogs  ©  TTj,   $ 

O  Q  seen  $  the 
boy  stood  on  A  J 
O  the  burning  dek 

mutch  weather  ® 


One  ov  the  eazyest  things  tew 
hear  ov,  and  at  the  same  time 
one  ov  the  hardest  tew  find,  iz  a 
ghost. 


It  iz  only  a  step  from  lazyness 
tew  vice,  and  a  short  one  at  that. 


Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  who 
mistake  their  imaginashun  for 
their  memory. 


Bashfullness  that  kant  be  over- 
come, iz  modesty. 

111  *  ■ 

19 


JAMAIKA    BILLINGS. 

HIZ     MEMORANDUM. 

Jamaika  Billings  waz  sed  bi  good  judges  ov  the  artikle, 
tew  be  the  lazyest  man  that  ever  visited  this  world.  At 
the  age  ov  14  he  waz  pronounced  bi  the  doktors  too  lazy 
tew  ketch  flies.  He  waz  named  after  hiz  unkle  who  had 
a  grate  speshiality  in  the  jamaika-rum  line,  and  who  could 
float  more  ardent  speerits,  on  an  evener  keel,  than  enny 
human  kraft  in  thoze  daze.  Jamaika  lived  tew  a  grate 
extent;  sum  say  that  he  waz  160  when  he  died,  and  sum 
put  it  at  142,  but  all  giv  in  that  he  didn't  di  from  enny 
disseaze,  but  kind  ov  lazyed  tew  deth.  He  waz  born 
tired,  and  never  outgru  it.  He  marrid  at  3  7,  but  hiz  wife 
left  him  at  the  end  ov  the  fust  month  ov  their  nupshalls, 
taking  with  her  all  the  pussonell  affekts,  whitch  were  a 
kupple  ov  cedar  wash-tubs,  and  a  seckond-hand  buggy 
harness,  brass-mounted.  Her  fust  name  waz  Polly  Ann. 
They  never  met  afterwards,  if  they  did,  history  dont  kno 
it.  Jamak'e  Billings  didn't  hav  enny  vice  tew  speak  ov, 
he  waz  even  too  lazy  for  that.  He  seems  tew  hav  spent 
hiz  life  in  hanging  around  places,  keeping  ragged  and 
phatt  on  nothing.  He  died  in  Old  Pordunk,  and  i  sup- 
poze  waz  burried,  but  history  dont  say  so,  in  jiss  so 
menny  words.  He  waz  mi  ansesstor,  but  i  kant  help  it. 
Can  I  ?     I  hav  bin  told  not.     Queer. 


MORAL. 

I  never  knu,  in  all  mi  life, 

Enny  man  tew  go  krazy, 
Who  alwuss  took  things  setting  down, 

And  kultivated  hiz  lazy. 

20 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1874. 


J3 

■a 

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a 

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a 


«( 


./?#/  /«  <z  distrik  skool  i  kno, 
Each  boyys  a  bile  unkommon, 

And  must  a  diffrent  poultiss  havt 
Tew  git  a  hed  npon  em. 


Jtf 

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Kronollogy. 


Huge  heat      fi  © 
0  David  Blair 
born  1818  £g  a\  Q 
0  hot  inkreases 
H  "^  David  Blair 

waz  an 
13  essence  pedlar  8 
thunder  showers  W 
5$  now  keep     SI 
$  cool  &  9  hotter 
/5a  ^|  if  enny  man 
attempts  tew  T 
^  more  hot  © 
haul  down  23  good 
A  hot   X    the  flag 
J£l  red  hot  5  shute 
him  on  the    )$ 
©  spot  £   cooler 

now  TTj,  Bully  for 

Dix  6    0  now  lay 

$  ©  in  yure  sun  £ 

strokes   ty   for  next 

4  winter  g  it  biles  ! 

tjf  Mike  Doolittle 

born  1830  ©  died 

1850  SO  Mike  done 

but  little  here  belo 

nor  dun  that  little  | 

©  long  B  now 

konkockt  juleps  £ 


MUSHROOMS. 


It  iz  az  hard  work  tew  git  ac- 
quainted with  a  haff  bred  family, 
az  it  iz  for  them  tew  conceal 
their  pedigree. 


If  a  man  knows  himself  thor- 
oughly, he  iz  az  wize  az  he  kan 
be  in  this  life.     « 


I  luv  tew  watch  the  sports  ov 
children,  they  kant  be  children 
but  once,  and  then  but  a  .short 
time. 


Hope  claims  the  most,  and  iz 
satisfied  with  the  least,  ov  enny 
pashun  ov  the  harte. 


EKLEEZIASTIKS   BILLINGS. 

HIZ     MEMORANDUM. 

Ekleeziastiks  Billings  waz  a  Puritan  bi  natur  and  occu- 
pashun.  He  waz  az  puritan  az  spring  lam  soaked  in 
mint  saus.  Sum  ov  the  most  kold  and  thawless  stok  in 
all  Nu  England  oozed  from  Ekleeze'  Billings.  He  waz 
kreated  nominally  in  the  year  1570,  and  had  hiz  trunk 
packed  tew  cum  over  in  the  May  Flower,  but  didn't  cum. 
He  cum  over  the  nex  fall,  and  went  immejiately  into  the 
pilgrim  bizzness.  Ekleeziastiks  kept  a  grocery  store, 
and  never  sanded  hiz  sugar,  nor  watered  hiz  Nu  England 
rum  without  fust  asking  tew  be  forgiv  for  it.  How 
pure  !  how  lam  like !  Ekleeziastiks  waz  very  tall,  but 
then  he  waz  very  thin  ;  he  waz  over  6  feet  perpendiklar, 
and  not  quite  7  inches  thru.  He  weighed  146  with  hiz 
winter  clothes  and  cowhide  boots  on.  He  preserved  hiz 
thinity  unto  deth.  He  died  from  eating  too  mutch  gar- 
den-truk.  How  sad  !  how  disinterested  !  Ekleesiastiks 
had  one  virtew  which  shines  tew  this  day,  he  waz  very 
saving  ov  hiz  clothes.  Hiz  best  blu  koat,  with  brass  but- 
tons on,  and  a  sharp  tail  tew  it,  he  wore  for  18  years,  and 
then  kut  oph  the  buttons  and  had  it  prest  out,  and  sent 
it  tew  the  heathen.  Ekleeze'  waz  both  a  saving  and  a 
libral  kuss.  He  lived  tew  be  over  90,  and  then  died 
game  ;  he  wouldn't  hav  enny  doktor.  He  dispized  dok- 
tors  bills.  How  touching!  Truly.  How  touchful ! 
Really. 


MORAL. 

Blest  iz  the  man  who  iz  partikular, 
And  duz  all  things  up  perpindikular. 
(Chorus.)     Ri  fol  de  rol,  ri  folderikular. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1874. 


a 

J  is 
8  § 

<U     -K> 

Q 
I 


The  only  kind  ov  konsolashun 
This  man  got,  ai?it  worth  a  kuss, 

For  'twas  pitty, — and  we  all  kno 
PlTTY  iz  but  mild  disguss. 


p 
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VV 

Kronollogy. 


%     Butiful  weather 
elegant  weather  \3 
¥  deliteful  weather 
superb  weather  © 
$  •  divine  weather 
charming  weather 
exquisitt  weather  >£ 
emoshional  weather 
£  gorgeous  weather 
*  celestial  weather  * 
blissful  weather  as 
6  grate  weather  O 
0  fine  weather  n  -8 
<©  delishur,  weather 
heavenly  weather  $1 
ft  glorious  weather 
magnificient   6    ^ 
Tii  5$   weather  g 
gushing  weather 
V57  sweet  weather  c 
exhuberant  weather 
3  poetick  weather 
fragrant  weather  I£ 
8  luvely  weather 
languishing  weather 
soft  weather  r£i  mild 
weather  £  bewitch- 
ing weather  ^  and 
common  weather  Jb 


KAPER  SAUS. 


Genuine  wit  dont  make  a  man 
laff  enny  more  than  logick  duz. 


Yu   kan  buy  laming,  but   wit 
and  wisdum  are  the  gift  ov  God. 


Energy  iz    another    name    for 
kapacity. 


Yung  men,  like  grayhounds, 
follow  by  sight;  old  men,  like 
bloodhounds,  follow  by  track. 

23 


LUKE  BILLINGS. 


HIZ     MEMORANDUM. 


Luke  Billings  waz  a  skool-master  ov  the  Nu  England 
type  and  shaddo.  He  waz  an  uprite  and  an  austere 
man,  az  uprite  az  a  sperm  kandle,  and  az  austere  az  hoss- 
radish.  I  look  bak  onto  Luke's  memoirs  and  pitty  him, 
for  i  pitty  awl  distrikt-skool  masters,  all  mothers-in-law, 
and  all  grass  widders.  Luke  Billings  spent  hiz  whole 
life  in  the  distrik-skool  spekulashun,  and  died  az  poor  az 
a  salt  kodfish.  .  Hiz  assetts  konsisted  ov  a  pocket-komb 
and  a  nu  testament.  He  used  tew  board  round  the 
naborhood,  and  waz  alwuss  az  hungry  az  a  pikrel.  He 
never  had  enny  friends,  nor  enny  enemys ;  he  waz  like  a 
gide-board  in  this  respek.  Luke  Billings  never  got 
marrid,  he  hadn't  the  time  tew  spare.  He  waz  severely 
engaged,  for  26  years,  tew  Nancy  Burbanks,  but  they 
both  died  intestate.  They  sleep  cluss  together,  in  the 
old  grave-yard,  at  lower  Pordunk.  Sleep  on  !  sleep  on  1 
dear  old  virgin  couple,  and  pay  no  attenshun  tew  no- 
boddy.  Lukey  wore  hiz  hare  long  behind,  and  kept  a 
distrik  skool  34  years  6  months  and  1 7  daze.  Oh,  dear ! 
oh,  dear  !  Luke  i  pitty  yu.  Luke  Billings  iz  an  ansesstor 
that  i  look  bak  upon  every  now  and  then  with  my 
memory,  and  want  tew  fite  sumboddy  on  hiz  ackount. 
Fairwell,  luvely  Luke.  Fairwell  Lukey.  Fair  well. 
Enuff  sed. 


MORAL. 

From  keeping  skool,  and  the  pay, 
Two  things  pestiverous, 

I  feel  az  tho'  I'd  like  to  say, 
Good  Lord !  deliver  us. 


24 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1874. 


1« 


o* 


Much  rather  would  i  hav  a  man, 

Than  offer  me  hiz  pitty. 
Hit  me  rite  smart  long  side  the  hed, 

For  that  mite  make  me  gritty. 


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Kronollogy. 


\  {{  About  these  TTJ, 

days  expekt  rain 
$  $  £     now  worry 
wood  chucks  T  n 

$    ©  sighns  ov 
snow  :;:  A  ^  now 
hurry  coons  •  2£  *? 

I£  cooler  rfr  now 
"5J?  persekute  musk 
rats  0  frost  £  ¥ 

ttl  ©  now 
TTR.  hunt  patridge  & 

Q  quite  kold  8 
U  now  chase  quails 
more  snow  *  now 
©  pester  foxes  $  9 
(£^~  sour  rain  ^£| 
S-  now  persew  0  "jjT 
bears  ty  hard 
£   frost   2    8   now 
sarch  for        JgJ 
Si  9  ^  elephants  c5 
£  D  more  kold  © 
A    now  go  for 

anakondys  O  J$ 
Q  freezing    X  now 

O  prospekt  for  ^ 
Behomaths  2  raw 
kold  9  now  dig  for 
mastedons  $  now  t 


KONDENSED  MILK. 


The  more  rare  a  mans  quality s 
are,  the  more  he  will  be  found 
fait  with, — dust  on  a  dimond  iz 
alwus  more  noticeable  than  dust 
on  a  brik. 


Experience  teaches  a  good 
many  things,  but  dont  learn  us 
but  a  phew. 


I  hav  seen  old  villains  who 
were  komparitively  pure,  they  had 
either  worn  out  their  vices,  or 
their  vices  had  wore  out  them,  i 
dont  kno  whitch. 


It  requires  the  gratest  ov  skill 
tew  hide  a  weakness. 

25 


NEBUDKENNEZZAR    BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Nebudkennezzar  Billings  waz  an  orphan  bi  birth,  and 
kept  a  hotel,  he  did.  When  yu  got  fride  pork  at  hiz 
house,  it  waz  fride  pork,  it  waz.  Yu  didn't  hav  a  bill  ov 
fare  tew  tell  what  it  waz,  yu  didn't.  Hiz  wife  waz 
smarter  than  chane  litening,  and  kleaner  than  a  ghost, 
she  waz.  Her  hash  didn't  hav  enny  paving-stuns,  nor 
kart- wheels  in  it,  it  didn't.  Yu  mite  az  well  hunt  for  the 
lost  tribes  ov  Izrael  on  her  premises,  az  to  hunt  for  a 
kokroach,  yu  mite.  Neb's  wife  had  red  hare,  and  waz 
bony  put  together,  and  could  fri  pork,  tend  bar,  harness 
a  hoss,  trade  with  a  peddlar,  and  make  a  gin-sling  that 
could  almost  talk,  she  could.  Nebudkennezzar  Billings 
waz  a  pollytishioner,  and  run  hard  for  konstable  in  old 
Pordunk,  for  menny  times,  he  did.  It  iz  justiss  tew  hiz 
memoirs  tew  state,  that  tho  he  run  well,  the  offiss  alwuss 
beat  him,  it  did.  He  never  got  elekted,  he  didn't.  How 
prekarious  !  how  impekunious  !  how  transhunt !  Alass  ! 
alass  !  Neb'  wa^  kreated  in  1502,  and  dissoluted  in 
1569,  and  spent  hiz  whole  life  in  the  hash  bizzness,  he 
did.  Hiz  wife  waz  boss  while  here  on  earth,  and  will 
undertake  tew  be  hereafter,  she  will.  But  she  kant,  kan 
she  ?  She  kant  Happy  it  iz  that  thare  iz  a  thussness 
in  theze  things.    Thrice  happy.    Even  nobby.    That's  so. 


MORAL. 

Every  man  thinks  he  kan  keep  a  hotel, 

But  O  !  how  delusiv  and  rash, 
For  thare  aint  no  kind  ov  bizzness  so  mixt, 

Az  doing  a  klean  job  in  hash. 


26 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1874. 


c 


Enny  man  who  a  skool  haz  kept 
Ten  years,  ( krewel fate  allass  ! ) 

Ought  tew  hav  hiz  shuze  pulled  opht 
And  be  turn  ed  out  tew  grass. 


«*  tr 


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e  ft 


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M 


Kronollogy. 


tit!  Hark  ?  the 

^  g  kold  wind 
whissells  O  £?  and 
V3    the  rane    ^ 
drizzles   K  A    and 
$  as  ft  the  snow  3 
phizzles  §£d  and 
9  the  fire  sizzles  (§ 
n  and  the      <§> 
33  iti  dogs  © 
"ijr  bark  <$  and 
A    0    9    the  boys 
TTi  lark  K  ©  V, 
S  ££  TTH.  and  the 
kats  mew  9  /sn  and 
V3  the  kittles  stew 
and  the  pork  ft 
2  £?  <9  fries  2  and 
¥  the  mince  #  tti, 
pies  Q  f  X  t  1=1 

&*  &*  and  the  ft 
turkey  dies  -8  ip 

ft  and  the 
0  owl  dreameth  V3 
and  the  goose  $  $ 
X  skreameth  ( !)  and 
the  girls  6  £  9  r 
¥  snikker  9  and  the 
men  dikker  0  and 


GINGER  SNAPS. 


Thare  iz,  now  and  then,  a  man 
who  knows  that  he  iz  a  phool ; 
sutch  a  man  iz  a  hard  man  tew 
cheat. 


I  hav  known  people  who  waz 
virtewous  just  bekauze  they  waz 
lazy,  they  hadn't  snap  enufT  in 
them  tew  brake  one  ov  the  10 
commandments. 


I  beleave  pitty  iz  more  ov  an 
impulse  than  a  principle,  for  we 
seldum  respekt  thoze  that  we 
pitty. 


He  who  suspekts  everyboddy, 
should  be  watched  by  everyboddy. 

n 


MUSHANMILK  BILLINGS. 

HIS   MEMORANDUM. 

Mushanmilk  Billings  waz  one  ov  mi  earliest  efforts  in 
the  way  ov  ansesstors.  He  waz  begot  during  the  nth 
or  1 2  th  sentury,  or  thareabouts.  He  derived  hiz  name 
from  hiz  grate  ability  tew  conquer  mush  and  milk.  Titus 
Odistes,  a  celebrated  writer  in  thoze  days,  sez  he  haz 
known  him  tew  eat  a  potash  kittle  ov  puddin  and  milk, 
at  one  sitting.  I  kant  state  whether  this  iz  sutch  or  not, 
for  i  never  met  Mushanmilk  personally.  He  died  pre- 
vious tew  mi  birth.  Titus  Odistes  also  sez,  that  Mush- 
anmilk had  a  very  sweet  disposishun,  how  sweet,  he  dont 
tell  us,  but  from  what  i  kno  ov  the  latter-day  saints, 
amung  the  Billings  family,  it  couldn't  hav  bin  quite  up 
tew  the  best  brand  ov  Nu  Orleans  mollassiss.  He  waz 
sed  tew  be  number  One  in  modesty,  and  sitch  like,  but 
this  dont  exackly  conspire  with  what  i  know  ov  the  Bil- 
lings'es.  Cheeck  haz  alwus  been  reckoned  amung  our 
virtews.  In  taking  a  square  look  bak  upon  mi  ansess- 
tors, i  find  that  they  were  rather  a  thin  set.  I  find  that 
their  ambishun  waz*  the  result  ov  vanity.  Their  honesty 
the  effekt  ov  edukashun.  Their  charity,  the  luv  ov 
novelty.  Their  philosophy,  able  tew  bear  the  stummuk- 
ake  ov  others  with  heroik  fortitude,  but  not  worth  a  kuss 
in  their  own ;  and  their  virteus  generally,  more  the  growth 
ov  their  pride  than  ov  their  humility.  What  a  pitty ! 
Echo  answers,  "Jiss  so."  Man  iz  an  angleworm.  He 
iz.     Verily. 


MORAL. 

Thare  aint  to-day,  so  just  a  vittle, 

Az  mush, — rite  hot,  from  out  the  kittle. 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


&  + 


<y 


Instid  ov  this,  how  trew  it  tis, 
The  skoolmaster  iz  treated. 

Like  one  we  owe  50  dollars, 
And  wont  admit  we've  cheated. 


1874. 


8 
II?  I 


s 

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T 

Kronollogy. 


n  Bitter  kold  ^  * 

a  thing  ov  buty  HJ? 
H   iz  a  joy  forever 

thundring  kold  £ 
¥  U  6  if  yu  must 

drink  hot    6  8 
©  rum  £B  do  it  now 

jehosiphat  kold  cb 
If  now  distruckshun 
9  5  wood  a  slam 

bang  kold  ©  ^ 
Job  Stearns 
$  A  HI  born  1500 

indefatigabel  kold 
Job  Stearns  $  *$? 

Jft  waz  an  g 
£  itinerant  2  #  $ 

ompompanoosuck 

V3     kold  0  Job  Til 

itinerated  A  $    • 

0  tin  ware 
sno  phawls  $  now 

stir  up  0   8  ft 

£  D  yure  goose 
unimpeachible  kold 
*&  roosters  freeze  23 

yures,  with  spark- 
Ip  ling  hopes  — 
Josh  Billings  $^» 
&  Allminacker  3 


jT0ZZ>  j*r£/7S. 


The  more  humble  a  man  iz 
before  God,  the  more  he  will  be 
exalted, — the  more  humble  he  iz 
before  men,  the  more  he  will  git 
rode  ruff  shod. 


The  only  really  natral  thing 
thare  iz  about  enny  man,  iz  hiz 
conshunce. 


Enuff  good  luk  will  ruin  enny 
man. 


Whare  thare  iz  one  man  obsti- 
nate bekauze  he  iz  wize,  thare  iz 
4,695,853  obstinate  bekauze  they 
are  ignorant. 


Trust  in  God  first,  yure  nabor 
next,  and  yureself  last. — Amen. 

29 


PERSONALS. 


*,*  H.  J.  B. — If  the  lady  with  lavender  poodle,  would 
like  tew  swop  dogs,  Barney  O' Toole  iz  her  man. 

B.    OToole. 


*,*  D. — Dont  menshun  it ;  mum  iz  the  word.     Star 
ov  buty,  the  goose  hangeth  hi. 

Lover. 


*,*  Sweetness. — Virtew iz  her  own  cashier ;  the  violet 
iz  blu ;  the  racoon  haz  a  bushy  tail ;  man  waz  made  tew 
mourn ;  meet  me  at  the  pea-nut  stand. 

Harrold. 


***  Spongkake. — Dost  luv  me?  The  kold  moon 
listened  when  yu  breathed  a  vow  in  Bridget  Costello's 
ear ;  dont  go  back  on  me  Patrik,  if  thou  dost,  be  jabbers 
i  will  hav  satisfackshun. 

Bridget. 


%*  Bill  Mustach. — Dont  put  on  airs;  how  about 
that  box  ov  5  cent  cigars  yu  owe  for?  Yure  wash- 
woman mourns  yure  abscence. 

Sam  Peel. 


30 


GET  INST 

If  an  Accident  don' 
else,  and 

NEW  YORK 

JRED  AND  KEEP  INSURED 

IN   THE 

mi  j^ritatt  |0snuB  {omguy, 

OF  HARTFORD. 

t  happen  to  you  it  may  happen  to  some  one 
your  money  will  help  pay  the  loss. 

OFFICE,  TRIBUNE  BUILDING. 

10 


frwt  *i/kj*-f~  A*-    Aran*    ^ffr1"^** 


NEW  YORK   HOTEL, 

715-727  BROADWAY,  NEW  YORK. 


Price  of  Board  and  Single  Rooms  reduced  to  $3.00 

per  day,   for  transient  guests. 

Parlors  at  low  rates. 


The  location  of  this  favorite  Hotel  is  unsurpassed  for  convenience 
of  men  of  business,  or  families  sojourning  in  the  city. 


H.  CRANSTON  &  CO.,  Proprietors. 


11 


THE    TWELVE    SIGHNS 


THE   ZODIAK 


Head  and  Face,     f 


Knees. 
V3 


Feet.      X 


DEAR    FARMERS. 

The  abuv  12  sighns  are  now  reddy  for  use,  but  don't  plant  korns 
when  the  sighn  is  in  the  feet,  nor  milk  punch  when  the  sighn  is  in 
the  kneeze. 


THE  APPLE  DUMPLIN. 

The  dumplin  are  about  the  natral  size  ov  yure  phist, 
made  out  ov  dough,  and  filled  with  apples.  They  are 
served  up  hot,  with  sum  sweet-tasteing  liniment  on  them, 
and  are  az  eazy  to  struggle  with  az  a  sugar-plum.  They 
aint  so  good  kold  az  they  ought  to  be.  Kold  dumplin, 
and  raw  potatoe,  eat  similar.  I  never  et  apple  dumplin 
yet,  without  thanking  the  Lord  for  that  one,  and  the 
Landlady  for  another  one.  Four  apple  dumplins,  at  one 
sitting,  iz  just  about  mi  size.  I  wish  i  knu  who  invented 
theze  kind-hearted  balls,  i  would  like  to  weep  over  hiz 
memory.  Punkin  pi,  and  apple  dumplin,  hav  dun  az 
mutch  to  civilize  man  az  enny  two  missionarys  that  hav 
ever  lived.  Good  vittles  iz  next  to  good  morals  enny 
how.  Yu  may  talk  about  virtew  az  mutch  az  yu  pleze, 
yu  kant  never  inokulate  a  man  with  virtew  fust  rate  on 
an  empty  stummuk.  Giv  a  man  four  apple  dumplin, 
with  sum  good  kind  ov  ointment  on  them,  and  after  he 
haz  et  them,  and  they  hav  settled  down  to  hard  pan,  yu 
kan  krawl  up  to  him  on  either  side,  with  a  dose  of  mo- 
rality, or  even  sum  new  kind  of  sope,  for  taking  spots  out 
ov  clothes. 


A  STATEMENT. 

Thare  iz  nothing  about  a  man  that  will  outlast  a  nik- 
name,  it  will  stik  to  him,  az  long  az  a  bobtale  will  to  a 
dog. 

o 

Most  people  repent  ov  their  sins  bi  thanking  God 
they  aint  so  wicked  az  their  nabors. 


HEAR    THE  PAPERS   TALK! 

We  would  rather  be  the  author  of  Josh  Billings'  Far- 
mer's Allminax  for  1875,  tnan  De  elected  captain  of  a 
malitia  company. 

Coonhollow  Demokrat 


Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  for  the  year  1875,  is 
just  hatched  out;  it  is  like  a  Thanksgiving  pudding,  full 
of  rich  things ;  buy  it,  and  set  down  in  a  corner,  and 
read,  and  be  happy  once,  if  you  never  are  again. 

Boston  Pilgrim, 


We  have  a  copy  of  Josh  Billings'  Allminax  on  tap, 
and  draw  sweet  liquor  from  it  each  hour ;  no  man  can 
buy  our  copy,  no  man  can  borrow  it,  and  he  who  steals 
it,  will  finally  die. 

New  Orleans  Budget 


Saw  my  right  leg  off,  lift  my  scalp  up,  innoculate  me 
with  the  Contents  of  a  six  shooter,  if  Josh  Billings'  Far- 
mer's Allminax  for  1875  aint  the  bullyest  brick  the  civil- 
ized world  has  ever  laid  eyes  on. 

Texas  Daily  Bandit. 


Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  is  once  more  in  our 
midst ;  like  an  oyster  on  the  half  shell,  it  can  be  took 
standing,  sitting  down,  or  on  the  run. 

Lowell  Examiner. 


HONES  TY. 

Honesty  iz  like  munny,  a  man  haz  got  to  work  hard 
to  get  it,  and  then  haz  got  to  work  harder  to  keep  it. 
Honesty  iz  the  best  kard  in  the  pak ;  it  iz  allwuss 
trumps,  and  thare  iz  no  man  big  phool  enuff  but  what  he 
kan  play  it  right  every  time.  Honesty  haz  been  praised 
more,  and  praktised  less,  than  enny  ov  the  virtews,  but 
it  stands  in  need  ov  no  ones  praise,  and  fears  no  ones 
rebuke.  Honesty  iz  all  the  virtew  that  a  man  needs,  and 
all  that  an  angell  haz.  Honest  men  are  skarse,  and 
what  i  am  afrade  ov  now  iz,  they  are  going  to  be  skarser. 
From  Adam's  day  to  ours,  and  from  now  untill  the  judge- 
ment time,  an  Honest  man  haz  been,  and  will  be,  "  The 
noblest  work  of  God"  Pope's  deskripshun  ov  an  honest 
man  iz  the  simplest,  and  yet  the  strongest  language,  that 
ever  haz  been  used. 


A     KARD. 

A  bizzy-body  iz  like   a  ritch  cheeze, — full  ov  little 
things. 


When  a  man  aint  good  for  ennything  else,  he  iz  just 
right  to  sett  on  a  jury. 


- 


31  Days, 


JANUARY. 


1875. 


if3  -* 


,£>#/  /^<?  Nuze  Boy  crawls  from  hiz  koal  box, 
Tho  sno  on  the  hard  ground  may  lay. 

And skuds  for  the  nuze  paper  offiss, 
To  get  hiz  supply  for  the  day. 


t 

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Billings  Log. 


J£  $  Q  Rather 
kold     U    &    SI 

Ig.  TTJ2.  pepper  sass 
invented  1632  <£  ^9 
<5r»  rfr  ^  mutch  kold 
now  mangle     >K    n 

^  §  ^  wood 
sighns  ov   f  of  J 

&k  sno  §  ^3D 
dont  pik      +0      | 

•      O     geese 

this  month       $ 
expekt  sum     0 

£  &  weather 
hi  tides    >K    ::: 

&  now  anihilate 
hogs    "5?     ?     !  !  ! 

Gg  ft  more  :o: 
koldly     £r  *  $ 

$  S  Mike  Tower 
died  1812    W  8   Si 

%     prepare     <P 

$  for  sno  £1 3 
ttl  0  n     dont     W 
}f&*  plant  enny     $( 

corn  this  month 
)!$(     dredphull  chilly 
now  assassinate     © 

^  poultry  ft  go 
to  bed  arly    Q      0 


MORNIN  GLORYS. 


If  i  kant  hav  but  two  things  on 
me  that  dont  pinch,  let  it  be  mi 
shirt  kollar,  and  mi  boots. 


Christians  seem  to  rite  under 
cover,  but  the  devil  stands  boldly 
out,  and  dares  the  world  to  single 
kombat. 


Philosophy  iz  a  kind  ov  severe 
sentinal,  who  locks  up  the  harte, 
and  throws  the  key  away. 


A  thoroly  lazy  man  iz  ded  enuff 
to  be  buried,  and  his  phuneral 
ought  to  be  advertized  at  once. 


GRIT. 

Grit  iz  a  good  thing  to  hav,  but  yu  dont  want  too 
mutch  ov  it.  I  hav  known  folks  who  had  so  mutch  grit, 
that  they  didn't  kno  when  they  waz  whipt.  This  dont 
pay.  I  like  to  see  a  man  who  aint  afrade  to  fite  a  wind- 
mill, when  she  iz  in  phull  blast,  but  i  dont  kare  to  see 
him  do  it,  for  a  wind-mill  iz  a  hard  job  to  thrash,  and 
they  dont  kno  neither  when  they  hav  got  enuff.  Grit 
and  spunk,  are  two  twins,  and  their  mother  iz  Courage, 
and  their  father  iz  Bravery.  I  have  seen  grit,  and  spunk, 
and  even  courage,  that  didn't  hav  a  bit  ov  bravery  in 
them.  Bravery  allwuss  ackts  from  a  principle.  Grit  may 
be  rite,  and  may  be  rong.  It  aint  very  certain,  or  par- 
tiklar  whitch.  Gritty  men  aint  allwuss  luvly,  they  are 
too  mutch  like  sandpaper  to  handle,  allwuss  reddy  for  a 
skratch.  I  like  grit  in  everything,  except  mi  hash,  thare 
iz  when  i  kant  bear  it.  Giv  every  man  yu  meet  a  good 
big  naff  ov  the  turnpike,  but  if  he  insists  upon  the  whole 
ov  it,  the  religion  ov  the  Billings  family  iz  to  arbitrate 
the  kase  at  onst.  If  a  man  smotes  yu  on  one  cheek, 
turn  him  the  other  one  if  yu  like,  but  dont  let  him  smote 
that.     This  aint  fair. 


ARG  UM  EN  TS. 

It  iz  az  diffikult  to  define  a  sukcess,  az  it  iz  to  ackount 
for  the  meazles. 

o 


Coquets  make  better  wives  than  Prudes  do,  but  thank 
the  Lord,  thare  iz  better  ones  in  market  than  either  ov 
them. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1875. 


I 


AW  having  arrived  at  the  offiss, 
He  goes  in  for  nonsense,  and  noize, 

And  strives  to  git  hold  ov  hiz  papers , 
Before  the  rest  ov  the  boys. 


9 


¥     w 


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Billings  Log. 


Kondem  kold    © 
1j    §      now  flies 

T     are   still     H 
snow  falls    £«  £1  3 

]£    thare  iz  a    H 
divinity  shapes    $^< 
TTJ2.  %&  3     our  ends 
kold  grows  ^ 

.%•-©     kolder 
^    Bill  Stevens    f 
$f  ®    $    born  1306 
now    chew    slapjax 
1§|  9  low  tides  W 
sighn  ov  mutch  [§§] 
weather      $    sun  in 
(§>  apogee  A  expekt 
frosts  ™  about    $ 
g   theze  days  dont 
plant  onion  seed    <9 
[f]     fi     Sally  Ann 
Murdok  died    f^< 
A         *   O    kolder 
Sally  Ann  waz  a  Q 
weaver  S  sighns  ov 
&  a  thaux  Sally  Ann 
weavered  yarns      & 
g  peace  to  our  ashes 


HELIOTROPES. 


When  a  woman  wants  enny- 
thing,  she  wants  it  with  all  her 
strength,  and  every  boddy  elses 
strength  too. 


Intelekt  without  judgement  iz 
what  ails  about  one  halff  the  smart 
people  in  this  world. 


Thare  aint  bad  luk  in  the 
whole  world  to  ruin  enny  one 
man,  not  if  he  will  fite  it  out  on 
that  line. 


A  fanatick  iz  the  wust  man  we 
hav  to  kontend  with,  reazon  haz 
no  effekt  on  him,  and  it  iz  agin 
the  law  to  klub  him. 


[ 


CHARITY. 

Charity  iz  a  blessed  privilege ;  it  lifts  poor  human 
natur  up  to  the  level  ov  the  angells,  and  sheds  the  lite  ov 
heaven  on  our  pathway.  It  iz  the  most  butiful  ov  all 
the  impulses  ov  the  heart,  and  the  eazyest  to  execute. 
Thare  iz  not  a  thought  that  goes  out  kindly  to  welkum  a 
child  ov  sorrow,  but  what  iz  kredited  in  the  grate  book 
ov  everlasting  life,  under  the  head  ov  Charity.  Thare  iz 
not  a  gift,  not  even  a  kup  of  kold  water,  thare  iz  not 
a  self  sakrafice  ov  enny  kind,  thare  iz  not  a  virte- 
wous  wish,  nor  a  kind  hope,  but  what  kan  be  kounted 
amung  the  jewels  ov  charity.  Charity  hath  no  markit- 
price  here,  nor  hereafter,  thare  iz  menny  a  penny  in  the 
grate  box  that  will  kount  out  brighter,  at  the  last  day, 
than  enny  dollar  that  iz  thare.  But  thoze  people  who 
are  the  soonest  to  melt  with  charity,  are  often  the 
soonest  to  freeze  up, — i  have  seen  them  so  fastidious 
that  they  couldn't  meet  an  objikt  ov  charity,  without 
plunging  their  hand  into  one  pocket,  and  taking  out  a 
ten  cent  piece,  put  it  right  bak  into  the  other,  thus  satis- 
fying their  charity,  and  saving  their  munny  at  the  same 
time. 


JESS     SO. 

All   the  philosophy  in  the  world,  wont  make  a  hard 
trotting  hoss  ride  eazy. 


One  ov  the  most  unfortunate  individuals  i  kno  ov,  iz  a 
third-rate  fiddler. 


t 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1875. 


u     ^ 
in 


a 


Now  having  hiz  merchandize  purchased. 
He's  01U  in  the  suo,  and  the  sleet, 

And  yells  like  a  "  brave  "  on  the  war  path, 
Az  swiftly  he  runs  thru  the  street. 


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Billings  Log. 


%&%     ©     Windy 
winds     ©  ©     now 
O    4»   dig  out     W 

woodchucks  $1 
T  c?s  expekt  wind 
Sam  Davis  born  2 
g  1632  ^  more 
wind  r£i  Sam  Davis 
T  1?  was  an  (§  % 
operator  #  9 
*¥  iq,  look  out  for 
wind  ©  H  £?  Sam 
^  Davis  operated 
on  hen  roosts  |  n 
prepare  for  wind  ^ 
V  *  now  pay  <f 
yure  dets  ©   g 

o  windyness  8-  © 
prevails  $  0  2 
$  Q  ©  Adam 
waz  a  weak  J£l  rJti 
ft  f  <5  T  sister 
mutch  signs  r£i     "# 

2    ¥    ov  wind 
now  sarch    £  £? 
1?     £1   2  for  hoss 
radish     y&    □    © 

ttt,  x  more  wind 
tud-stools  ,9  TT[ 
^  diskovered  12S3 


TULIPS. 


A  pedant  iz  one  who  over- 
estimates whatever  he  haz  got, 
whether  it  be  learning,  munny, 
dri  goods,  or  the  rumatism. 


I  dont  reckolekt  ov  ever  doing 
ennything  that  i  waz  just  a  little 
ashamed  ov,  but  what  sum  one 
waz  sure  to  remember  it,  and 
every  once  in  a  while  put  me  in 
mind  ov  it. 


The  most  bitter  kriticks  we  hav 
are  those  who  hav  failed  them- 
self  to  write  ennything  worth 
reading. 


He  who  haz  got  nothing  to  do 
in  this  world  but  amuze  himself, 
haz  got  the  hardest  job  on  hand  i 
kno  ov. 


PUN  KIN     PI. 

Punkin  pi  iz  the  sass  ov  Nu  England.  They  are  vit- 
tles  and  drink,  they  are  joy  on  the  half-shell,  they  are 
glory  enuff  for  one  day,  and  are  good  kold  or  warmed 
up.  I  would  like  to  be  a  boy  again,  just  for  sixty  min- 
nitts,  and  eat  miself  phull  ov  the  blessed  old  mixtur. 
Enny  man  who  dont  luv  punkin  pi,  wants  watching  cluss, 
for  he  means  to  do  sumthin  mean  the  fust  good  chance 
he  kan  git.  Giv  me  all  the  punkin  pi  i  could  eat,  when 
i  waz  a  boy,  and  i  didn't  kare  whether  sunday-skool  kept 
that  day  or  not.  And  now  that  i  hav  grown  up  to  man- 
hood, and  hav  run  for  the  legislature  once,  and  only  got 
beat  856  votes,  and  am  thoroly  marrid,  thare  aint  noth- 
ing i  hanker  for  wuss,  and  kan  bury  quicker,  than  two- 
thirds  ov  a  good  old-fashioned  punkin  pi,  an  inch  and  a 
halff  thik,  and  well  smelt  up,  with  ginger  and  nutmeg. 
Punkin  pi  iz  the  oldest  Amerikan  beverage  i  kno  ov,  and 
ought  to  go  down  to  posterity  with  the  trade  mark  ov 
our  grandmothers  on  it ;  but  i  am  afrade  it  wont,  for  it  iz 
tuff  even  now  to  find  one  that  tastes  in  the  mouth  at  all 
az  they  did  40  years  ago. 


REMARKS. 

Noboddy  really  luvs  to  be  cheated,  but  it  duz  seem  az 
tho  every  one  waz  anxious  to  see  how  near  they  could 
cum  to  it.  * 


The  wust  tyrant  in  the  world  iz  the  wife  ov  a  henpekt 
husband. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1875 


<x> 

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1  Er'es  the  Err  aid,  Times,  Sun,  World,  and  Tribune" 
Iz  the  yung  merchants  ear  piercing  kry, 

1  Got  the  or  full  smash  up  on  the  rale  rode" — 
And  a  kitntryman  stops  him  to  buy. 


X? 

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Billings  Log. 


Gentle  showers    !*? 

©  «  "*  now  u 
insert  onion  ■*"  A 
V3  seed  3  $ 
*  Q  13  more  rain 
&  %  perpetual  S 
moshun  diskovered 

^n  1832  !?v® 

K  TTJi  more  rain   6 
perpetual     O    © 

Q  iQ  moshon  $ 
lost  1313     O    S 

^   inkreasing    # 
A    0      wetness     IP 
now  prospekt  $  iy 
1}  for  dandy  lions  3 

TT£      d)       Abner 
Durham     8     £? 
<f    *   iji     born  956 
expekt  rain     n   $ 
©    Abner  Durham 
waz  a     <9   1$r   <s* 

pedlar  £  wet 
rain  ©  Q  Abner 
O  Durham  [!!] 
peddled  goose  yokes 
^  rain  4  15?  luv  me, 
luv  $  mi  P^  dog 
T  damp  drizzles  £\ 


PRIMROSES. s 


About  az  low  down  az  a  man 
kan  git,  and  not  quite  spile,  iz  to 
liv  on  his  wife's  reputashun. 


A  good  karakter  is  allwuss 
gained  bi  inches,  but  iz  often  lost 
in  one  chunk. 


To  be  strong  a  man  should  hav 
plenty  ov  friends,  and  plenty  ov 
enemy s — too  menny  friends  weak- 
ens him,  and  too  menny  enemys 
makes  him  a  vagabond. 


The  man  who  haz  sworn  not  to 
forgiv  haz  uttered  the  wust  oath 
he  kan  take. 


13 


FUN. 

Fun  is  the  cheapest  fisick  that  haz  bin  diskovered  yet, 
and  the  eazyest  to  take.  Fun  pills  are  sugar  coated,  and 
no  change  ov  diet  iz  necessary  while  taking  them.  A  lit- 
tle fun  will  sumtimes  go  a  grate  ways,  i  hav  known  men 
to  liv  to  a  good  old  age  on  one  joke,  which  they  man- 
aged to  tell  az  often  az  once  a  day,  and  do  all  the  laffing 
themselves  besides  that  waz  done.  But  thare  iz  lots  ov 
phplks  who  kant  see  enny  plum  in  enny  thing,  yu  couldn't 
fire  a  joke  into  them  with  a  double  barrell  gun,  10  paces 
off,  they  go  thru  life  az  solium  az  a  cow.  Menny  people 
think  it  iz  beneath  their  •  dignity  to  relish  a  joke,  sutch 
people  are  simply  fools,  and  dont  seem  to  kno  it.  The 
Billings  family  are  allwuss  on  the  lookout  for  fun,  it*iz  sed 
ov  Dexter  Billings,  one  ov  our  pristines,  that  he  had  to 
be  kept  under  500  dollar  bonds  all  the  time,  to  keep  him 
from  laffing  in  church.  Ackordin  to  all  ackounts  this 
Dexter  Billings  waz  a  cuss.  Fun  iz  the  pepper  and  salt 
ov  every  day  life,  and  all  he  really  wiz  men  who  hav  ever 
lived,  hav  used  it  freely  for  seazoning. 


HEAR    YEE. 

The  man  who  kan  set  himself  to  work,  at  enny  thing, 
on  5  minnitts  notiss,  haz  got  one  of  the  best  trades  i  kno 


Virtew  that  kant  whip  Vice,  in  a  fair  stand  up  fite, 
enny  time,  aint  worth  having. 


14 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


..* 


Another  boy  rushes  to  serve  him, 
But  our  hero  wont  stand  it  no  how, 

So  he  pockets  the  kuntrymarfs  munny, 
And  fixes  himself  for  a  row. 


1875, 


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Billings  Log. 


%  Dandylions  TF£ 
£  are  %  here  ^ 
warm       t       O 

0     and  fine      O 
©     ^      tud-stools 
hav  arrived    jgf    H 
6     r£j  it  rains  $& 
frogs  hav     0      23 
$       6      cum     Q 
soft  winds     *|T      6 
&    o*    the  tax-     $ 
gatherer  puts     © 
*a     9     in  an      $ 
appearanse      £     5? 
TT£      03      showery 
now  chuck     ©     © 
>}c     in  gardin      ^ 
seeds     d     <b    V3 
-8    0    ©     a  butiful 
day     #  ffik     Abram 
$  Barker  elekted  u 
constable     K    »f2 
W    Jft     ©    kloudy 
woman  iz     1|     n 
c^p     a  angell     «f 
wind      gs      £p     4k 

(§     southernly 
now  investigate    Tift 
y£  for  hens  eggs  <i? 
quite  wet  !   I—  !.— ! 


DAFFODILLS. 


The  man  who  haz  got  nothing 
to  reckomend  him  but  robust 
helth,  and  an  excessiv  flo  ov  an- 
imal spirits,  iz  az  unplezant  an  as- 
soshiate  az  a  4  year  old  kolt. 


Genius  seems  to  be  the  fakulty 
ov  doing  a  thing  excellently  well, 
that  noboddy  supposed  could  be 
done  at  all. 


Helth  is  like  munny,  we  never 
hav  a  true  idea  ov  its  value  untill 
we  lose  it. 


The  most  dangerous  person  in 
this  world,  iz  the  one  with  the 
most  tallent,  and  the  least  virtew. 

15 


EAZY  BOO  TS. 

One  ov  the  eazyest  things  in  this  world  iz  a  loose  boot, 
it  iz  just  az  eazy  az  falling  oph  from  a  log,  when  yu  are 
fast  asleep.  The  man  who  fust  invented  tite  boots  com- 
mitted suiside,  so  i  hav  been  told,  this  waz  kind  in  the  phel- 
low.  But  if  he  had  committed  suiside  before  he  had  been 
born,  it  would  hav  been  kinder  still.  Eazy  boots  are  one 
ov  the  luxurys  ov  life,  what  the  other  luxurys  are  i  dont 
kno,  and  dont  kare.  Enney  man  who  kan  wear  a  tite 
boot,  and  enjoy  it,  iz  either  a  martyr,  or  a  phool,  it  makes 
but  little  difference  which.  Tite  boots  produce  korns, 
bunyons,  and  swareing,  and  thare  iz  only  one  thing  kan 
be  said  in  their  favour,  they  make  a  man  forgit  all  hiz 
other  sorrows.  An  eazy  boot  will  humanize  a  sinner 
faster  than  two  mishionary  kan.  Vanity  iz  the  Godfather 
ov  tite  boots,  and  just  so  long  az  men  mistake  a  number 
eleven  foot,  for  a  number  nine  boot,  just  so  long  we  shall 
see  them  limping  around,  with  boots  on  two  sizes  too 
small.  Next  to  a  klear  conshience,  for  solid  cumfort,  and 
every  day  wear,  cums  an  eazy  boot. 


HITS. 

After  trieing  for  more  than  35  years  to  hav  mi  own  way 
in  all  things,  i  have  finally  cum  to  the  konklushun,  to 
split  the  difference. 

o 

Everyboddy  seems  to  konsider  himself  a  kind  ov  moral 
half  bushel,  to  meazzure  the  worlds  frailtys  in. 


16 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


1875. 


CX  £, 


7  hey  u  go  in"  like  a  pair  ov  yung  tigers , 
And  neither  seems  anxious  to  stop. 

Till  they  are  suddenly  brought  to  their  senses, 
By%a  vigilant,  fierce  looking  "  cop." 


& 


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Billings  Log.  • 


v\  V3  Wet  rains 
Abigail  Fish  w  TTJ2. 
n     ©     0    married 

D  I756       *        © 

warm  heat      $      ^ 

g     now  ho     0 
gardens     f     Tg. 

&h      Q     expekt 
thunder     O      fi 
X       3?      hot      4P 
rains     23     O      ^ 
O      <$      now  hunt 
for  musketoes     © 
$  U     perhaps     (§ 
rain,     ©      &      A 
Tit     perhaps    not 
y£     now  kast      Q 
yure  bread     O   W 
^   9     on  the     0 
waters       □       <f 
23      sighns  ov      $ 
Htening     $     Q    & 
*    now  fish   £    6 
for   frogs      V3      ¥ 
¥     <5     it  iz  hotter 
TT£  $    d  0  Andrew 
^  9  Jackson  iz  no 
more    n    it  raineth 
9  $    so  beets  &»  £ 


HYACINTHS. 


I  hav  made  up  mi  mind  that 
human  hapness  konsists  in  having 
a  good  deal  to  do,  and  then  keep 
a  doing  it. 


Vanity  iz  az  common  to  the 
human  family,  az  fleas  iz  to  a  dog, 
and  makes  them  just  about  az 
oneazy. 


The  man  who  kant  enjoy  enny- 
thing  but  flattery,  iz  az  bad  oph 
az  the  one  who  kant  drink  enny- 
thing  but  whiskey. 


A  true  friend  iz  one  who  aint 
afrade  to  tell  yu  ov  yure  faults. 


17 


WOMAN. 

Woman  iz  the  glass  ware  ov  kreashun.  She  iz  luvly, 
and  brittle,  but  she  haz  run  up  everything  we  really  enjoy 
in  this  life  from  25  cents  on  the  dollar  to  par.  Adam, 
without  Eve,  would  hav  been  az  stupid  a  game  az  play- 
ing checkures  alone.  Thare  haz  been  more  butiful  things 
sed  in  her  praze  than  thare  haz  ov  enny  other  animate 
thing,  and  she  is  worthy  ov  them  all.  She  is  not  an 
angell  tho,  and  i  hope  she  wont  never  go  into  the  angell 
bizzness.  Angells  on  earth  dont  pay.  The  only  mistake 
that  woman  haz  ever  made  iz  to  think  she  iz  a  better  man 
than  Adam. 

Adam  iz  captin,  and  i  am  reddy  to  admit,  that  he  iz 
often  a  dreadphull  poor  one  too.  Woman  iz  the  power 
behind  the  throne,  she  holds  all  the  best  playing  kards 
in  the  pak,  and  her  own  good  sense  ought  to  teach  her 
not  to  be  in  enny  hurry  to  play  them.  I  hav  allwus  sed, 
and  i  beleaf  it  still,  that  the  time  to  be  karfullest  iz  when 
you  hav  a  hand  phull  ov  trumps. 


PRIVATE  SENTIMENTS. 

n 

If  i  had  75  children  i  would  be  sure  and  learn  60  ov 
them  to  allwus  shut  the  door  after  them  when  they  went 
out,  and  i  wouldn't  kare  whether  the  other  15  ever  learnt 
mutch  or  not. 


Yung  man,  yu  better  be  honest  than  cunning,  and  it  iz 
hard  work  to  be  both. 


18 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


o> 


He  takes  them  away  to  the  stashun, 
Whare  both  are  krestfallen  and  meek, 

And  after  a  lektur  onfiteing, 

The  kids  are  discharged  by  the  "  beak." 


1875. 


o.   2 
o 


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Billings  Log. 


Expekt  grate   g\  IJl 
8       %      hotness 
¥     now   snaix     K 

•  are  ©  slippery  □ 
thunder     &*      8 

n  0  rnixt  with 
ft  \  litening  6°  f 
Hank  Ketchum  *f 
8  SI  T  born  1802 
nA<$  hotter  T  Q 
Hank  Ketchum  $ 
waz  single  A  6° 
$  0  more  hotly 
Hank  6  ?  0 
|g      3        Ketchum 

#  parted   hiz     (i 
hare  in  the     4      6* 

8  <Sr»      middle 
sum      S*      ip 

.I£      $|    litening   # 
about  theze      ^ 
V     #       daze     :: 
D     mad  dogs   8 

9  heard  ov  (o) 
[!;!]  &>  less  hot 
now  destroy  W  jj 
T  grass  for  hay  2 
sighns  ov  thunder  go 
a,  W  2  honesty  iz 
the  best  policy  W  go 


TUBE  ROSES. 


He  who  expekts  to  be  praized 
every  time  he  duz  a  virtewous 
thing  will  soon  git  tired  ov  the 
bizzness. 


When  people  loze  their  prop- 
erty they  generally  loze  every- 
thing else,  in  the  estimashun  ov 
the  world,  except  their  faults  and 
vices. 


It  iz  the  eazyest  thing  in  natur 
to  be  honest,  but  most  men  make 
dredphull  hard  work  ov  it. 


A  good  deal  ov  buty,  and  a 
good  deal  ov  sense,  are  seldum 
found  together. 

19 


POLITENESS. 

What  a  man  kant  win  in  this  world  bi  politeness  aint 
worth  having.  Politeness  iz  just  as  natrul  az  fun  iz,  and 
iz  the  cheapest  way  to  git  a  living  i  kno  ov.  It  haz  made 
more  friends  than  enny  thing  else  ever  haz,  and  haz 
kept  them  longer.  It  dont  kost  enny  more  to  be  polite 
than  it  duz  to  be  happy,  and  enny  man  iz  a  phool  who 
kant  be  either,  if  he  iz  a  mind  to.  I  hav  known  it  to 
sukceed  whare  every  thing  else  had  failed,  and  i  never 
knu  it  to  fail,  whare  it  undertook  to  sukceed.  It  iz  az 
eazy  to  apply  az  the  "  poor  mans  plaster,"  and  it  will  all- 
wus  stik  whare  it  iz  stuk.  Next  to  honesty,  politeness  iz 
queen  bee  in  the  hive,  and  the  man  who  iz  thoroly  hon- 
est and  thoroly  polite,  haz  nothing  to  fear,  or  hope  for. 
Politeness,  without  honesty,  iz  a  good  deal  risky,  but 
sumtimes  the  wust  we  kan  call  it  iz,  "a  pleazant  fraud." 


2    FAKTS. 

The  best  abuzed  woman  ov  the  19th  century  iz  the 
average  mother  in  law. 


One  ov  the  most  perfekt  viktorys  yu  kan  achieve  over 
enny  man,  iz  to  beat  him  in  politeness. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1875. 


3  D 


^  liberty  now  out  they  skamper, 

But  before  their  days  work  they  renew, 

Our  hero  remarks  to  hiz  rival, 

"  Tommorow,  P 11  take  kare  ovyu." 


> 

e'l 

o 


w    2 


I 

2 

3 
4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
ii 

12 

i3 
14 
i5 
16 

i7 

18 

i9 
20 
21 
22 

23 

24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 
31 


G 
M 

T 
W 
T 
F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

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T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 


Billings  Log, 


Big  heat    ^     now 

$  hunt  00  for  cool 
places  6  thunder  li 
g  and  litening  cp 
mixt  <£  salamanders 
lliy  diskovered  849 
heat  waxes  IT  £1 
d  in  Adam's  sin  $ 
O  we  all  jined  in  © 
expekt  sudden  3  £j 
2  W  rain  about 
theze  daze  W  3 
Phil  Sherman  g  X 
A  ^  born  1756 
5&  £  ©  heat 
grows      ^     (&     W 

$2  heaty  '  W& 
Phil  Sherman  g  # 
TT^^o      waz  a 

hard-shell     ^    ^ 
©     babtist     $ 
^    whew!     !P* 
how     fi      ^,      2 

4   HT   &     hot 
it  am     9      0      fi 
©    fl|     now    *a    Q 

dig    O    n   "y 

£7    33    8     for  ice 
bileing     ^   ty  © 
©    ^     hot      T   & 


CARNASHUNS. 


When  the  vice  and  virtew  in  a 
man  iz  about  hafF  and  haff,  he 
wants  az  mutch  cluss  watching  az 
a  bile  duz  when  it  iz  cumming  to 
a  hed. 


We  are  allwuss  sure  to  think 
just  az  other  pholks  do,  provided 
they  think  just  az  we  do. 


Make   yureself  necessary  yung 
man,  and  yure  suck  cess  iz  sertain. 


Everyboddy  applauds  a  virtew- 
ous  ackshun,  even  the  Devil  him- 
self admires  it. 


EGG    NO  G  G. 

Thare  iz  no  fluid  known  to  mortal  man,  that  haz  got  more 
bakbone,  and  less  tangle  leg,  in  a  quart  ov  it,  than  good, 
old  1776,  Egg  Nogg.  Our  grand  dads  drank  it  fluently, 
and  thankt  the  Lord,  az  it  meandered  sloly  down  their 
thruts.  It  iz  bilt  out  ov  sider,  and  fresh  egg,  and  iz  az 
phull  ov  fun,  and  innosense,  az  a  kittens  tail.  Enny  man 
who  haz  moral  skruples  about  drinking  a  glass  ov  fresh 
made  egg  nogg,  had  better  git  hiz  morality  insured  aginst 
acksidents  at  once,  for  he  iz  in  danger  ov  having  hiz  mo- 
rality kompletely  eradikated  from  the  face  ov  the  earth. 
Morality  that  kant  stand  egg  nogg,  iz  a  weak  sister.  I 
luv  egg  nogg,  and  hope  i  allwuss  shall.  I  kant  tell  yu  now 
when  egg  nogg  waz  fust  diskovered,  nor  who  the  lucky 
kritter  waz  who  fust  found  it  out,  but  i  would  giv  15  dol- 
lars at  least  to  know  that  it  waz  one  ov  mi  ansesstors.  I 
am  orphull  proud  ov  the  anshunt  Billing' es  and  enny 
glory  that  fluktuates  around  them,  kind  ov  circumambiates 
around  me.  This  may  look  like  weakness  in  me,  but  it 
iz  natur,  and  i  dont  beleav  in  allwuss  snubbing  natur.  I 
say  let  yure  natur  kind  ov  go  it,  onst  in  a  while. 


SUM  OPINYUNS. 

Mi  experience  in  life  thus  far  haz  been,  that  7,  wont 
go  into  5,  and  hav  mutch  ov  ennything  left  over. 


I  hav  herd  lies  so  well  told  that  a  man  would  allmost 
be  a  phool  not  to  beleave  them. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


§* 


He  meets  with  a  smooth  faced  old  villain, 
Who  ov  a  bad  stamp  would  git  free, 

But  the  boy  twiddles  hiz  fingers,  and  sez, 
**Yu  kant  hum  that  ere  over  me." 


1875. 


0    I 
n 

©I- 


© 

2J 

I 

w 

2 

T 

3 

F 

4 

S 

5 

G 

6 

i\l 

7 

T 

8 

W 

9 

T 

IO 

F 

ii 

S 

12 

G 

i3 

M 

14 

T 

15 

\V 

16 

T 

i7 

V 

18 

s 

19 

G 

20 

M 

21 

T 

22 

\V 

23 

T 

24 

F 

25 

S 

26 

G 

27 

M 

28 

T 

29 

W 

30 

T 

Billings  Log. 


T   4    Mild    g  ,ft 
and  slik   f/2  2  § 
Zip  Coon    /5  [§] 

r  V3  died  1822 
<<&  tender  #  # 
winds    r    0)    T 

A  W  Zip  waz 
a  coloured  &  O 
g.*:  I  brother  W 
mello  rain     W    £1 

6    A  put  not  yure 
trust  in      W    Jj 
^£    2"1    members  ov 
Til   r  the  legislator 
more  mello     g>  i2 
rain      #    jj      now 

5$     consume      £ 

$  *f  #  oysters 
perhaps  rain,  y7"  5 
<®  3  perhaps  not 
go  slo  $  f  $ 
11  expekt  frost  <s± 
0  □  now  hunt 
for  fleas  <9  V  3 
S  p  frost  last  #  p 

night    *    r  g 

23  fleas  are  quicker 
than  a  ghost  Si  £ 
W  mild,  but  butiful 


SWEET  WILLIAMS. 


Bashfullness  iz  often  like  the 
plating  on  spoons,  when  it  wears 
off,  it  shows  the  brass. 


Lerning  pays  a  better  interest 
than  munny  duz,  besides  the  prin 
sipal  never  gits  lost. 


Abuv  all  things,  lern  yure  child 
to  be  honest  and  industrious;  if 
theze  two  things  dont  enable  him 
to  make  a  figger  in  this  world,  he 
iz  only  a  cypher,  and  never  waz 
intended  for  a  figger. 


It  iz  so  natral  to  phind  fault, 
that  i  wonder  we  are  ever  suited 
with  ennything. 

23 


FAITH. 

Faith  iz  the  right  bower  ov  hope.  If  it  want  for  faith 
thare  would  be  no  living  in  this  world,  we  couldn't  even 
eat  hash  with  enny  safety.  Human  knolledge  iz  very 
short,  and  dont  reach  but  a  little  ways,  and  even  that  lit- 
tle ways  iz  twilite,  but  faith  lightens  up  the  road,  so  that 
we  kan  see  to  read  the  letterings  on  the  mile  stuns  az  we 
travel.  Faith  has  won  more  viktorys  than  all  the  other 
pashuns  ov  the  harte  put  together,  for  faith  iz  one  ov 
them  kind  ov  warriors  that  dont  kno  when  she  is  whipt. 
But  faith  iz  no  milk  sop,  but  a  live  fighter,  she  dont  set 
down  and  gro  stupid  with  resignashun,  and  git  weak  with 
the  buty  ov  her  attributes,  but  she  is  the  heroine  ov  a 
forlorn  hope.  I  think  now  if  i  couldn't  hav  but  one  ov 
the  moral  attributes  i  would  take  it  all  in  Faith,  and  tho  i 
mite  make  sum  fust  rate  blunders,  i  would  do  a  rushing 
bizzness  amung  the  various  kinds  ov  dri  bones  that  iz 
lieing  around  loose  in  the  world.  Faith  haz  allwus  been 
one  ov  the  best  holts  ov  the  Billings  family,  from  the  daze 
ov  Noah,  down  to  now. 


HOW  IZ    THIS? 

Experience  ackts  on  sum  pholks  vitals  just  az  it  duz 
on  a  bull  tarrier,  he  dont  fairly  git  over  one  whipping 
before  he  begins  to  look  around  for  another. 


The  vulgar  allwuss  notiss  everything  they  see. 
24 


31  Days. 


i  © 

■So 

I  £ 
o».| 


OCTOBER. 


€1  i 


1875. 


Having  sold  out  hiz  paper \r,  0«r  /^r<?, 

71?  jajw*  cheap  hash  hous  skampers  away, 

And  after  he  calls  for  hiz  luncheon^ 
He  reckons  his  gains  for  the  day. 


coo  % 

§S' 

X  8 


V 

& 

I 

F 

2 

S 

3 

G 

4 

M 

5 

T 

6 

W 

7 

T 

8 

F 

9 

S 

IO 

G 

ii 

M 

12 

T 

13 

W 

14 

T 

15 

F 

16 

S 

i7 

G 

18 

M 

*9 

T 

20 

W 

21 

T 

22 

F 

23 

S 

24 

G 

25 

M 

26 

T 

27 

W 

28 

T 

29 

F 

30 

S 

3* 

G 

Billings  Log, 


%%%  October  haz  ::; 
HP  31  days  .JO 
and  2  ©  nights 
i£i  stiff  weather  "^T 
now  mutilate  ty  T 
6  $  apples  for  sider 
O  sharp  □  frost  $ 
about  ^  now  $  ^ 
6  H  Fred  Simmons 
TTl  born  d  1694  0 
leaves  fall  A  *  £1  \ 
&  ^  Fred  Simmons 
played  the  ft  A  © 
<f  2f  bass  drum 
expekt  2  £  § 
II     4   7   no 

$  ttj,  now  © 
slaughter  £  ¥ 
9  ^  cockroaches 
kondem  n  4  O 
^  chilly  TTJ2. 
man  iz  f  a 
&  2{  mortal  <f 
sighns  ill  9  6 
H      $,     ov     9    9 

r    &     winter 
the  bull     ^      9 
«f     frog  iz  hush   <p 
pear    ©   apples    $ 
$   ^  n     nites     <? 


DAISYS. 


It  waz  a  wize  phello  who  put 
on  hiz  spektickles  when  he  et 
strawberrys,  it  made  a  pint  go  az 
fur  az  a  quart. 


To  lie  about  a  man  never  hurts 
him,  but  to  tell  the  truth  about 
him  sumtimes  duz. 


When  the  weather  fair  iz  every- 
boddy  haz  got  an  umbreller  to 
lend 


The  man  who  seeks  temtashun 
must  either  be  an  angell  or  a 
phool, — probably  a  phool. 


25 


EKON EM  Y. 

Ekonemy  iz  the  art  ov  allwuss  gitting  the  worth  ov  yure 
munny,  and  gitting  the  right  change  bak,  and  it  iz  also 
the  art  ov  making  10  cents,  once  in  a  while,  go  az  fur  az 
a  shilling.  It  iz  like  an  ear  fur  musik,  it  has  got  to  be 
born  the  same  time  yu  are,  or  not  at  all.  Yu  kant  larn 
an  extravagant  person  to  be  ekonomikal  enny  more  than 
yu  kan  learn  a  muskeeter  to  quit  eating,  when  he  haz 
got  enuff.  Thiz  iz  funny,  but  it  iz  too  true  to  laff  at. 
Ekonemy  iz  the  mother-in-law  ov  Prosperity,  and  she  iz 
one  ov  them  kind  ov  mother-in-laws  that  never  made 
enny  disturbanse  in  the  family.  Ekonemy  haz  made 
more  munny  in  this  world  than  spekulashun  ever  haz, 
and  thare  iz  another  thing  about  it,  she  allwuss  hangs  on 
to  it.  Thare  iz  only  one  trubble  about  ekonemy,  it  sum- 
times  runs  into  avarice,  and  then  all  itz  buty  iz  destroyed. 
It  iz  better  to  be  a  spendthrift,  than  a  mizer.  The  Bil- 
lings family  hav  allwuss  bin  noticed  in  history  for  their 
ekonemy.  Jericho  Billings,  one  ov  our  primevals,  kept 
the  same  pair  ov  boots  26  years,  but  he  wore  out  9  souls, 
and  5  pairs  ov  upper  leathers  in  the  meantime. 


HARK/ 

Cunning  men  are  like  a  hand  sawy, — they  only  hav 
teeth  on  one  side  ov  them. 


Next  in  point  ov  meanness,  to  doing  a  man  an  injury, 
iz  to  do  him  a  favour,  and  every  now,  and  then,  remind 
him  ov  it. 


26 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1875. 


0 

a  » 


After  greedily  eatin  his  luncheon^ 

He  lies  bak  and  snoozes  a  bit, 
And  when  nite  cums  you1 11  find  him  enjoying, 

A  seat  in  the  Bowery  fit. 


so  S 


Billings  Log. 


SNO  DROPS. 


I 

M 

2 

T 

3 

W 

4 

T 

5 

F 

6 

S 

7 

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8 

M 

9 

T 

IO 

W 

ii 

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12 

F 

13 

S 

14 

G 

is 

M 

16 

T 

17 

W 

18 

T 

*9 

F 

20 

S 

21 

G 

22 

M 

23 

T 

24 

W 

25 

T 

26 

F 

27 

S 

28 

G 

29 

M 

30 

T 

111!    Winter  howls 
let  her      \3      \3 

ft      H    howl    ^ 
c5     who    n    kares 
grate  sno     ft      ^ 
0     Mrs.    Stebbins 
died   1818     V     © 

4      0      bitter 
kold     6      6      1 

"j*T  Mrs.  Stebbins 
took  snuff  fi  g 
O  ffi  ^  62  years 
more  kold     ©     ^ 

*  now  mastikate 
$  slapjax  V3  0 
it  freezes  $  when 
(31  the  kat  iz  ^  A 
away,  the  mice  «f 
will  play  A  ground 

froze  up  2  K 
now  hire  T$L  & 
8     <Sr»  skool  moms 

HI  sno  a  ?  Jtf 
foot  deep      ip       $ 

•  Jfr  51    babes  in 
the  woods    jg*    $ 
a  (J)     lost  1614 
winter  iz    £    ip  TTJZ. 

2    n    here     $    ft 


Gossip  iz  more  ketching  than 
the  meazles  iz. 


The  covetous  man  iz  like  a 
sponge,  it  takes  in  all  the  mois- 
ture that  cums  near  it,  but  lets 
out  none  until  it  iz  squeezed. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  ginger- 
pop  people  in  this  world,  after 
they  hav  bin  uncorked  a  fu  min- 
nitts,  they  git  to  be  dredphul 
flatt. 


The  quickest  way  to  take  the 
starch  out  ov  a  man  who  iz  all- 
wuss  blameing  himself,  iz  to  agree 
with  him,  this  aint  what  he  iz 
looking  for. 

27 


HAM,  AND  EGG. 

Thare  are  certain  things  in  this  world  that  seem  just  az 
tho  they  waz  born  for  each  other,  and  ham,  and  egg,  are 
two  ov  them  things.  Altho  they  cum  from  quite  different 
lokalitys,  they  must  be  twins,  for  they  are  so  often  seen 
together.  If  i  kan  hav  all  the  ham,  and  egg  i  want,  kod- 
phish  bawls  may  tak  a  bak  seat  for  the  present.  Vittles 
and  drink  hav  allwuss  been  a  staple  artikle  with  human 
natur,  and  when  they  play  out,  i  am  reddy  to  quit.  Sum 
pholks  are  so  etherial  that  they  kan  liv  on  the  smell  ov 
biled  kabbage,  but  i  must  hav*a  chunk  ov  the  kabbage. 
Pholks  may  talk  about  ambrozial  nektar  az  mutch  az 
they  pleze,  they  kant  phool  me  with  enny  ov  thoze  kind 
ov  essences,  for  i  hav  lived  just  long  enuff  to  find  out, 
that  the  best  ov  society,  hav  got  to  hav  their  biled  vittles, 
kind  ov  reglar,  even  if  they  tak  them  on  the  sli,  or  they 
will  soon  peg  out.  Natur  is  natur,  and  she  will  hav  her 
ham,  and  egg.  Natur  iz  a  little  raw  once  in  a  while,  but 
she  allwuss  stands  up  for  her  rights,  and  tho  yu  may  de- 
fraud her,  yu  kant  kompromise  with  her.  Ham,  and  eggy 
was  a  bevarage  long  before  Noahs  freshet 


TAKE    NOTISS. 
Good  breeding  makes  all  kondishuns  ov  life  equal. 


Anger  allwus  hurts  us  more  than  it  duz  the  other  phel- 
low  which  we  git  mad  at 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1875. 


<o 

1 

e 

o 

-o 

> 

l<* 

ru 

4) 

8 

§ 

t/j 

a 

h 

o 

u 

£ 

.a 

1 

0) 

1 

.3 

c 

o 

<U 

^3 

#%<r#  */^  sensoshun  drama  is  ended, 
Our  hero  remembers  with  pain , 

That  the  plezzures  ov  life  are  but  fleeting, 
And  he  goes  for  hiz  koal  box  again. 


> 

I 
O 

9  B 

i 

s. 


5    m 


I 

W 

2 

T 

3 

F 

4 

S 

5 

G 

6 

M 

7 

T 

8 

W 

9 

T 

IO 

F 

ii 

S 

12 

G 

*3 

M 

M 

T 

IS 

W 

16 

T 

17 

F 

18 

S 

J9 

G 

20 

M 

21 

T 

22 

W 

23 

T 

24 

F 

25 

S 

26 

G 

27 

M 

28 

T 

29 

W 

3o 

T 

3i 

F 

Billing's  Log. 


Q  December  g 
hath  31  daze  8  & 
$  n  sum  kold  £p*& 
now  arouze  )$  Q 
^  0  $&*  fires 
merkury  10  belo  £ 
T  a  spri  sixpence 
O  iz  better  than  $ 
a  ]£  lazy  i2  dime 
immense  sno    A    $ 

6      "??     now  pay 
the  printer    &    & 
£  Sister  Perkins  ^ 
born  1500     ^    2 
more     ©     ^     g 
TTt    koldness     $ 
Sister  Perkins    3JI 
O  waz  a  femail   Q 
lekturer  <p    kold 
vVi     increases     O 
Sister  Perkins    9 
lektured  Tf   her  * 
0  husband  nites  TTJ, 
dreary  winter  ©  YS 

U  ©  ©  iz  here 
farewell  my  n    A 
*f    O    darlings    ^ 

look  for     0     ^l 
D       (!)      me  next 

year    ftt     •  •-*' 


TIGER  LILYS. 


Thare  iz  in  sum  men  a  grate 
deal  ov  humor,  that  iz  like  the 
frolik  in  a  puppy,  dont  mean 
ennything  in  purtikular. 


Thare  iz  nothing  we  are  more 
apt  to  parade  before  others,  than 
our  kares  and  sorrows,  and  thare 
iz  nothing  the  world  kares  so  lit- 
tle about. 


Reason  often  makes  mistakes, 
but  conshience  never  duz. 


A  blush  kant  be  kounterfited. 


29 


THE  PISSMIRE. 

The  pissmire  iz  a  blak  bugg  about  23  times  az  big  az 
the  ant,  and  az  phull  ov  important  bizzness  az  the  chair- 
man ov  a  wimmins  rights,  convenshun.  They  hav  thir- 
teen konsekutive  leggs  on  each  side  ov  their  boddys,  and 
allwuss  travel  on  the  run.  They  are  like  sum  men,  ever 
hunting  for  summing  to  do,  but  never  was  known  to  find  it. 
I  hav  seen  them  travel  for  two  hours,  bakwards,  and  for- 
wards, and  not  git  3  feet  from  whare  they  started  from, 
stopping  every  now  and  then  to  listen.  The  pissmire  iz 
the  loafer  amung  bugs,  and  like  other  loafers,  livs  from 
hand  to  mouth.  Their  home  iz  a  hole  in  the  ground, 
but  call  on  them  az  often  az  yu  pleze,  yu  will  never  find 
them  in.  They  git  up  late,  and  go  to  bed  late,  and  are 
allwuss  hungry,  and  hollow.  They  are  az  lazy  az  mollas- 
sis  in  the  month  ov  Febuary,  and  az  useless  az  an  extra 
dog  in  a  family.  Pissmires  are  a  poor  speculashun,  i 
wouldn't  giv  50  cents  for  the  whole  krop. 


REFLECKSHUNS. 

If  yu  are  going  to  giv  a  man  enny  thing  giv  it  to  him 
cheerfully,  and  quick,  dont  make  him  git  down  on  hiz 
kneeze  in  front  ov  yu,  and  listen  to  the  10  command- 
ments, and  then  yu  giv  him  5  cents. 


The  man  who  is  allwuss  confessing  hiz  sins,  and  never 
quitting  them,  iz  the  most  onsartin  sinner  i  kno  ov. 


30 


C/V  &-    ?4C<i^i^<?    yyxa^ux/  /i&Lt^i^t     &{ 
uS/^O  2&     See.    Af>^\   jbasv7^  yi<i 


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12 


FAIRBANKS   &    CO., 

PLATFORM  SCALES 

311   Broadway,   New  York. 


"  TRULY," 
THE    STANDARD    OP    THE    WORLD. 

13 


The  Anatomy    ov   man's   boddy,  as 
governed  by  the  12  Constellashuns, 

One   Wundf^ed    Years   ago. 


-<&- 


Head  and  Face,     H£ 


Arms. 
Heart. 
Reins. 


Thighs. 
© 

Legs. 


! 

©      / 

( 

f^JIsllftf/' 

sA 

Neck. 

• 

Breast. 

V3 

Bowels. 

Secrets. 
0 

Knees. 


To  find  out  whare  the  sighn  iz,— 
Ask  the  man  at  the   wheel. 


-i<5*- 


KRONOLOGIKAL  ASPEKT  OV  THE  CYCLE. 


Conjunckshun,  or  epakt,   .        •  20 

Dominicial  letter,       .         .        ■  B 

Sextile  Opposishun,          .        .  180 

Roman  Indiction,      ...  9 
Apogee. 


Lunar  Cycle,  or  golden  number,       17 
Solar  Quartile,  ...        90 

Julian  Period,  .        •         394256 

Trine,  or  northern  node,    .        .        63 
Perigee. 


THE     G  O  RRILLA. 

The  gorrilla  iz  a  free-born  citizen  ov  Western  Afrika, 
and  in  point  ov  intilekt,  averages  well  with  the  rest  ov 
the  natives.  They  are  about  5  foot  3  in  hight,  and  hav 
got  a  sanguine  temper,  wuss  than  a  fish  womans,  I 
never  saw  but  one  gorrilla,  and  he  waz  not  filled  with 
life,  but  waz  filled  with  straw.  I  dont  want  to  see 
another,  it  weakens  mi  respekt  for  mi  ansesstors.  They 
are  four  legged,  and  kan  walk  purpendikular,  or  hori- 
zontal, but  when  they  do  walk  uprite,  they  are  the  wust 
looking  relashuns  we  hav.  They  liv  alone,  and  are 
more  terrible  in  a  ruff  and  tumble  fite,  than  enny  per- 
son that  livs.  I  hav  allwuss  wondered  whi  sum  one 
didn't  import  one  into  this  country,  and  match  him  for 
2  thousand  dollars  to  fite  in  a  ring.  I  am  oppozed  to 
ring  battles,  but  when  this  skirmish  takes  place,  i  want 
to  be  there,  and  bet  my  patrimony  on  to  the  gorrilla. 
May  the  best  man  win.  The  gorrilla  haz  a  good  appe- 
tight,  for  one  that  haint  been  kultivated,  and  will  eat 
enny  thing  he  kan  ketch,  from  a  coloured  brother  to  an 
anakondy.  The  gorrilla  iz  no  doubt  good  for  sum- 
thing,  but  what  that  iz  i  kant  tell,  nor  dont  want  to 
know.    Farewell  yu  auphull,  ugly,  mizerable  kuss. 

The  end  ov  the  gorrilla. 


WEIGH. 

The  devil  holds   poor  kards,  but  he  allwuss   plays 
them  mighty  well. 


A  man  with  a  very  small  hed  iz  like  a  pin  without 
enny,  very  apt  to  git  into  things  beyond  hiz  depth. 


WHAT  THE  PAPERS  THINK. 

Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  "  Allminax"  has  come  again, 
it  is  as  welcome,  and  genial,  as  dew  to  the  parched 
earth. — London  Speckletator. 


It  is  joy  for  the  fireside,  it  is  rest  for  the  weary. — 
Newburyport  Guardian. 


Fresher,  fairer,  more  fertile,  and  funny  than  ever, 
may  its  sweet  face  look  in  upon  us  for  all  time,  delight- 
full  Josh  Billings'  "  Allminax,"  record  of  the  past,  bright 
promise  of  the  future. — Savannah  Amarinth. 


How  crisp  !  how  tart ! — London  Queen. 

o 

Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  "  Allminax  "  is  a  bright  jewel  in 
the  current  literature  of  the  day. — Louisville  Dispatch. 


Bless  the  dear  little  waif,  we  love  it,  and  who  shall 
chide  us  for  loveing  ! — Lady  s  Journal. 


We  have  received  Mr.  Joshua  Billings'  Farmer's 
"  Allminax "  for  1876,  and  shall  notice  its  contents  at 
our  very  earliest  convenience. — Edinburgh  Review. 


It's  a  square  deal,  chuncky  and  smart. — Texas  Blade. 


THE    D  O  NKE  Y. 

I  hav  watched  the  donkey  with  a  grate  deal  ov 
pashunt  anxiety.  They  are  about  3  foot  hi,  and  sum- 
thing  like  three  foot  six  inches  lengthwize.  They  hav  a 
normal  appetight,  and  will  eat  all  the  time,  and  more 
too.  They  aint  partikular  about  their  vittles,  and  will 
tri  hard  to  swallo  a  hoss  shu,  but  they  kant  do  it.  The 
donkey  iz  one  ov  naturs  jokes,  a  sort  ov  pun  on  a 
horse,  which  i  could  never  see  the  point  to.  They  are 
az  sett  in  their  ways,  az  a  gate  post,  and  are  the 
only  live  things  that  are  too  mutch  for  a  klub.  They 
will  stand  more  pounding  than  a  sheaf  ov  wet  oats, 
without  shelling  out.  The  donkey  haz  2  ears,  and 
only  1  tale,  and  the  ears  are  to  the  rest  ov  their  boddy, 
like  two  steeples  to  a  church.  The  donkey  iz  a  sober, 
and  misterious  kuss.  Fairwell  yu  sad,  and  thinking 
kritter,  i  may  never  again  rite  yure  memoirs,  but 
whether  I  dont,  or  do,  I  shall  allways  respekt  yu,  az 
a  donkey,  that's  all.  Az  a  cluss  studdy,  the  donkey  iz 
az  full  ov  interest,  az  a  mile  stun,  with  the  letterings  all 
worn  oph.  Donkeys  will  liv  forever,  or  thareabouts, 
and  retain  their  buty,  and  intelligence  to  the  last. 
Adew  you  graven  image,  you  solid  one,  adew  ! 


PONDER, 

To  lie  about  a  man  never  hurts  him,  but  to  tell  the 
truth  about  him  sumtimes  duz. 


I  think  it  iz  good  taste,  and  also  good  judgement, 
when  a  man  prays  for  the  sins  ov  the  people,  that  he 
should  count  himself  in. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1876. 


8* 

s 

i 

a 

o 
I*. 


''Sr&AsS 


John  Simpson  waz  a  bachelor 
Ov  forty,  perhaps  ov  forty-three, 

With  the  dispepshy  onto  him> 

Wuss  than  enny  man  yu  ever  see. 


El 


Q 


II?  K 

a 


A 
I 
2 
3 

4 
5 
6 

7 

8 

9 
io 
ii 

12 
13 
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!5 
16 

17 
18 

r9 

20 
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23 
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25 
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31 


o_ 

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M 


Short  Fakts. 


43s  Mutch  kold  3 
mares  nest  $£* 
diskovered  18 10  § 
If  now  keep  cool  | 
©  A  Ben  Butler 
iz  a  lawyer  $  TT^ 
Xf  less  koldly  S 
sarch  ***  for  8 
(gpf*  ice  Sc  expekt 
gUi  sum  •  d 
inkrease  2  L  ov 
f  weather  §  *  § 
Flora  Temple  ^ 
■f  x  could  -f" 
trot  fast  r-  §  -^ 
$y  more  koldfull  ! 
Job  Perkins  ^  f 
*&  *  kreated  *  *^* 
Q)  A  1264  x  (12) 
kold  rather  !{  1 
S^t  0  waxes 
^     0  Job  fl\     £ 

Perkins      , x    ¥ 

3  I  $  loved  £? 
onions  -*-  If 
,_!!  now  is  the  !U^ 
winter  ov  n  £ 
I  |  our  diskontent 
I  J  examine  *  |  * 
^    -|-     yure  geese 


STROKE   OARS. 


Pashunce  iz  a  good  thing  for  a 
man  to  hav,  but  when  he  haz  got 
so  mutch  ov  it,  that  he  kan  fish 
all  day,  over  the  side  of  a  boat,, 
without  enny  bait  on  hiz  hook, 
lazyness  iz  what's  the  matter  ov 
him. 


Pills  will  sumtimes  refuze  to 
akt  on  the  liver,. but  sawing  wood 
never  will. 


When  i.waz  20  i  knew  twice  az 
mutch  az  i  do  now,  and  the  way 
things  are  gpihg  on,  if  i  should 
liv  to  be  75,  i  dont  expekt  to  kno 
nothing. 


Thare  iz  no  radikal  kure  for 
lazyness,  but  starvashun  will  cum* 
the  nearest  to  it. 


THE  VEGATABEL  BITTERS  MAN. 

Whenever  a  man  gits  ded  broke,  and  kant  think  ov 
nothing  to  raze  a  breeze  with,  and  hiz  uncle  wont  hav 
him  boarding  at  hiz  house  enny  more,  and  the  heels  ov 
hiz  boots  hav  knawed  the  bottom  ov  his  pantaloons  all 
off,  he  takes  rubarb  root,  and  a  fu  katnip  blossoms,  and 
sum  tan  bark,  and  sokes  them  for  14  hours  in  sum 
cheap  whiskey,  and  goes  hedlong  into  the  liver  reno- 
vating bizzness.  He  plasters  every  fence,  saw  mill 
log,  stun  wall,  and  cow's  back,  from  Portland  Maine  to 
Stockton  Californy,  with  red,  and  yello  hand  bills, 
offering  to  heal  the  halt,  make  the  blind  talk,  and  the 
deaf  see,  and  renew  the  inside,  and  outside,  ov  all 
kreashun,  for  a  dollar  and  twenty  five  cents  a  bottle. 
He  takes  rooms  at  sum  fust  klass  hotel,  drives  8  in 
hand,  and  never  iz  seen,  only  on  the  jump.  He  iz  az 
full  ov  bizzness  az  a  deputy  superintendant  ov  a  Sunday 
skool,  on  a  piknik  day,  and  call  on  him  when  yu  will,  to 
kollekt  yure  little  bill  ov  7  dollars,  he  haz  just  left  for 
(Baltimore,  or  wont  be  home  from  Nu  Orleans,  untill 
week  after  next.  Theze  men  are  not  all  ov  them  un- 
scrupulous, they  are  kunning  kritters,  who  hav  found 
<out,  that  mankind  to  be  happy,  must  be  cheated. 


PA  UZE  . 

It  'iz  the  prudes  in  this  world  that  need  the  most 
watching,  coquets  are  too  kareless  to  be  dangerous. 


Most  men  are  like  a  hop  vine,  if  they  dont  hav  sum 
kind  ov  a  pole  to  klimb,  and  then  stik  to  it,  they  wont 
promulgate  mutch  hops. 


29  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1876. 


i  < 

O    • 


U  © 


a 


— ji 


Sum  friend  told  yohn  to  travel. 

Twelve  miles  on  the  jump  each  day, 

Before  he  et  enny  brekfasst, 
And  not  loiter  upon  the  way. 


o  a 


§0   n 


0  V 


Short  Fakts. 


Dern  kold  S  the 
kockroach  haz  no 
sting  J^*  prepare 
for  more  — '|^- 
QK  vg^  weather 
Bonaparte  fit  J — % 
§  for  a  living  :|: 
sighns  *  ov  *  wind 

now  sing  sams 

Jake   , %   Turner 

departed  A  1830 
12  d  snowy  |J:| 
Jake  Turner  "*■  £ 
!-?-!  waz  a  •Jj1 
c-o-n-s-t-a-b-l-e 
r-it  duz  *f  snow— ^ 

p  3  now 
slay  hogs  JQJ 
?^i  []  for  pork 
lessly  — !!—  cold 
Washington  ^ 
3?  [::]  could  §••§ 
3  not  lie  TT^  wind 

more  fluktuous 
expekt  visitors     Q) 
£7  snow — squally 
now   mmch      [-^| 
n      Q     Y     slapjax 


FIGGER  HEDS. 


Kats  are  very  humble,  espesh 
ily  just  after  they  hav  committed 
sum  nu  kind  ov  deviltry. 


The  man  who  iz  allwuss  trieing 
to  kreate  a  sensashun,  will  git  so 
pretty  soon,  that  he  kant  kreate 
even  a  disturbance. 


If  yu  want  to  git  a  fust  klass 
situashun  in  sum  alms  house, 
giv  all  yure  property  to  yure 
children  before  yu  die. 


Thare's  lots  ov  men  in  this 
world  that  are  like  a  rooster, 
take  the  cockade,  and  spurs  off 
from  them,  and  yu  couldn't  hard- 
ly tell  them  from  a  hen. 


THE    KR  O  W. 

I  hav  written  sevral  very  poplar  obituary  notisses  ov 
the  krow,  but  find  that  i  hav  stated  a  good  deal  about 
them  that  wazn't  jist  so,  and  left  unsed  mutch  that  waz 
true.  The  krow  iz  az  cunning  az  a  Tombs  lawyer,  and 
just  about  az  mutch  ov  a  ded  beat.  Yu  kant  ketch  one 
in  a  trap,  and  if  you  should,  yu  could  not  bile  one  in  a 
pot,  soft  enuff  to  eat,  in  3  weeks.  A  tame  krow,  and  a 
civilized  injun,  may  be  a  moral  triumph  on  the  face  ov 
it,  but  when  yu  cum  to  examine  the  other  side  ov  it,  yu 
will  find  that  yu  hav  overdid  the  bizzness.  If  all  the 
krows,  and  injuns,  in  this  world  were  tame  and,  civilized, 
yu  could  bid  fairwell  to  all  other  manuel,  and  mental 
labor,  and  spend  all  yure  time,  and  talents,  studying  the 
pesky,  infernal  kritters.  Krows  assemble  in  the  fall  ov 
the  year,  30  thousand  ov  them,  or  more,  in  council,  and 
appoint  their  deakons  for  the  following  year.  At  this 
grate  kawkuss,  rezolushuns  ov  a  inrlamitory  natur  are 
passed,  darning  the  farmers  for  putting  up  skare  krows 
in  the  kornfields,  plans  are  laid  for  next  years  stealings, 
and  each  krow  swopping  wives,  the  meeting  dissemi- 
nates, and  the  krows  fli  away. 


HO  LD  / 

Dont  keep  but  one  dog,  no  one  but  a  pauper  kan 
afford  to  keep  three. 


If  yu  are  going  to  make  amuzements  a  stiddy  bizz- 
ness, ketching  flies  iz  az  good  az  enny. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1876. 


n 


I J 


y<?^«  heard  next  that  dieting, 

Waz  the  only  thing  Uwould  kure  him, — 
Liv  on  d  jill  of  soup  a  day, 

And  they  offered  to  insure  him. 


> 

I 

> 

of 


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l9 
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29 
1 3° 
!3! 


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F 

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F 


Short  Fakts. 


Windy  SI  winds  A 
$  Congress  gits 
together  £3  [  T 
now  fi  look  out 
3  O  for  wind 
watch  hens    £?     • 

n     for  eggs     (D 
©  wind  more  £1  so 

Frank  Dutcher 
appeared    1742     $ 
3    wind   howls  Q 
r£i  &  Franks   *^* 

D-u-t-c-h-e-r 
^  TTj,  waz   0    ~3  a 
failure     i5$     ~     TTi 

wind  9  shouts 
U  now  !  ask  * 
k  !p  !n  !u  !m  d  !r  !u  !m  !s 
6  $  windy  ft  £ 
William  ^  Penn 
^  -H-  waz  a  Y3  8 
quaker    ^     o  3 

>&r      wind     A 
frackshus  ^[    $    ^ 
^S&*  now    hunt 
weazels    •     ty    [gP 
£?         wind  3 

more   south        •  • 
^    (J    TIB.   than   it 
(w)  (a)  (z)     •     T 


FRONT     TEETH. 


Wize  men  sumtimes  bild  air 
kastles  just  for  the  fun  ov  the 
thing,  it  iz  only  the  phools  who 
bild  them,  and  then  undertake  to 
liv  in  them. 


I  hav  seen  folks  who  waz  vio 
lently  oppozed  to  gambling,  sim 
ply  bekauze  they  had  found  out 
that  they  couldn't  win. 


I  notiss  one  thing,  when  a  man 
stubs  his  toe  he  cussess  all  krea- 
shun  fust,  then  the  toe,  but  never 
himself. 


Dont  change  yure  bait  mi  boy, 
if  yu  are  ketching  fish  with  angle 
worms — stik  to  the  worms. 


THE    KROTON    BUG. 

The  kroton  bug  are  dirty  blak  kusses,  without  enny 
pedigree,  and  ov  no  more  use  than  an  extra  fii  in  a 
plate  ov  soup.  They  hang  around  wet  and  damp 
places,  and  are  all  the  time  either  going  in,  or  comeing 
out,  ov  every  krak  in  that  naborhood.  Thare  iz  no  be- 
gining,  nor  end,  to  their  number,  and  if  yu  bore  a  hole 
with  a  gimblet,  enny  whare  near  a  plug  basin,  the  next 
day  the  krotons  will  be  az  thick  around  it,  az  tho  a  nu 
3  cent  gin  mill  had  just  been  opened  thare.  What  they 
hv  on  no  naturalist  knows,  or  dassent  tell,  and  yu  kant 
git  rid  ov  them,  enny  more  than  you  kan  skare  the  flies 
out  ov  a  sugar  hogshed,  by  hollering  at  them.  They 
are  allwuss  on  the  move  like  a  grasshopper,  but  what  they 
are  about,  or  would  like  to  hav,  they  kant  even  tell 
them  selfs.  Thare  iz  a  powder  advertized  which  they 
say  will  klean  the  kroton  bugs  all  out  ov  the  house  in  4 
days.  I  am  no  gambler,  but  i  will  give  the  powder  7 
days  the  start,  and  then  bet  on  the  bugs.  Thare  is  only 
one  sure  way  to  git  the  krotons  out  ov  a  house,  burn 
up  the  house  and  let  a  strong  east  wind  bio  the  ashes 
away. 


D  WELL. 

The  devil  allwuss  keeps  the  gide  boards  that  lead  to 
hiz  dominions,  fresh  painted,  and  in  good  order. 


I  never  knu  a  man  yet  who  waz  allwuss  watching  hiz 
helth,  to  die  enny  whare  near  az  soon  az  he  expekted  to. 


30  Days. 


V 

<y 


APRIL. 


For  two  years  yohn  lived  on  nothing. 

And  walkt  like  a  ghost  on  a  raid, 
'  Till  he  lookt  like  the  piktur  abuv, 
Which  kost  us  aftV  "  to  hav  made. 


1876. 


w»  o 


I 


*& 


©    9 


I 

S 

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G 

3 

M 

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s 

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T 

7 

F 

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9 

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12 

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F 

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G 

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24 

M 

*3 

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26 

W 

27 

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28 

F 

29 

S 

30 

G 

Short  Fakts. 


O  g  It  rains  Z$  2B 
bright    &     and    $ 

butiful      %     let 
Q)  Q  her  rain  □  gs 
now  stik  in  lettiss 
$  sum  Til,  &  moreO 
Q  rain        ^ 

now  ©  the  fi   frog 

$  squeals  a  wet  % 
.Jg|  day  "3?  »  © 
Joab  T  ©  Mitchell 

TTJ1  died   1769  * 
mizzling  wet    $    "Hf 
0 1  =  Joab  loved 

old  cider  =£:  wind 
southy  /a  □  about 
now  ~  -3  V3  ^ 
©  thrust  in  arly  $ 
peas  "^T  0  i£i  moist 
but  3  wet  $  ©  A 
ekonemy  is  welth 
©     ^  it   rains    *f 

Daniel     Webster 
n  3  knu  law  fi   # 

it    J — t    drizzles 
3^<9"vox^^^ 
non  est  f^     D    Q) 
con-fab-u-lus  ■ '     § 

so  :~:  ^ 


jtf£Z>   LIGHTS. 


Dont  never  trust  a  man  at  the 
rate  ov  50  cents  on  a  dollar, — if 
yu  kant  konfide  in  him  at  par, 
let  him  slide. 


I  dont  kno  which  iz  the  biggest 
phool,  the  man  who  kan  spend 
two  hours  bragging  about  himself, 
or  the  one  who  kan  sit  pashuntly 
and  listen  to  him. 


It  iz  very  diffikult  for  a  man  to 
change  his  pollyticks,  or  hiz  reli- 
gion, without  being  suspekted  ov 
having  very  little  ov  either. 


The  two  bizzyest  persons  in 
this  world  about  nothing,  iz  a 
country  gossip,  and  a  June  bug. 


THE  KUNTRY  SKOOL  MOM, 

The  kuntry  skool  mom  iz  allwuss  about  23  years,  and 
six  months  old,  and  remains  rite  thare  for  a  term  ov 
years.  She  wears  her  hair  either  kut  short,  or  hanging 
around  in  ringlets,  and  iz  az  precise  in  every  thing,  az  a 
pair  ov  Fairbanks'  improved  platform  skales.  She  never 
laffs  out  loud,  and  seldum  even  smiles,  but  when  she 
duz,  she  duz  it  ackording  to  the  rules  laid  down  by 
Murray,  for  speaking,  and  pronouncing,  the  English 
language  propperly.  She  iz  the  very  oil  ov  propriety, 
and  would  rather  be  four  years  behind  the  fashions  in 
bonnetts,  than  to  spell  a  word  wrong,  or  parse  a  sen- 
tence inkorrektly.  The  kuntry  skool  mom  seldum  dies 
an  old  maid,  she  gits  marrid  to  sum  man  who  haz  less 
laming  than  she  haz,  and  he  thinks  (az  he  ought  to) 
that  thare  aint  another  sutch  a  larnt  woman  az  hiz  wife 
iz,  in  all  kreashun.  With  all  her  precise  foolishness  i 
luv,  and  respekt,  the  kuntry  skool  mom,  she  taut  me 
mi  letters,  and  larnt  me  how  to  spel,  she  waz  pashunt 
while  i  waz  stupid,  she  soothed  me  when  i  waz  frack- 
shus,  and  she  often  (good  soul)  giv  me  a  titbit  from  her 
luncheon  at  noon  time.  May  Heaven  bless,  and  com- 
fort her,  for  she  iz  poorly  paid,  and  iz  stepmother  to 
every  boddys  yung  ones. 


STOP. 

A  man  will  liv  longer  on  onions,  and  abuse,  than  on 
enny  other  2  things  i  kno  ov. 


Yung  man,  mark  yure  goose  up  hi,  two  thirds  ov  the 
world  hav  no  other  idea  of  value,  only  by  the  price  that 
iz  put  onto  things. 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


!8 


1876. 


^fe^i^Qi^ 


a 


Johnny  then  bought  a  hard  trotter, 
And  rode  himself  weak  az  a  rag, 

Then  sold  him  for  19  dollars \ 
Just  haff  that  he  gave  for  the  nag. 


Hfc* 


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Short  Fakts. 


V    Hoss   radish   3 
haz  cum    8     <©     □ 

wind  south-east 
©  8  *  3 
— v — grindstuns — v— 
diskovered  ©  17 14 
f  2  wet  showers 
Ralph  Goodo  £? 
©Aft  born  1109 
mild     but     plezant 

&    9    & 
^    f   Ralph  $    O 
loved  &  £?  sassage 
3      prepare       *£* 
for  nice      ?    Q   ^ 

1§?  weather  r£i 
man  waz  {  ~3  T   ± 
kreated  Ifa  3  little 

lower  than  the 
Q    angells  %  and    $ 
haz  been   £   ~a  "^ 

m  git  ting  c\ 
a  ^  little  #  lower 
O  ever  since  Q 
now  ©  O  insert 
X  ^  arly  corn  Q  "55? 
23  n  Pharaoh  felln 
warm  3  ~  H  <$ 
*  TTR.  ^  ^  into  the 
red  see  £   V3  f&« 


WEATHER  COCKS. 


Thare  iz  now  and  then  a  fool 
so  well  bred  that  he  is  really 
quite  endurable. 


Gossip  that  iz  travelling  around 
loose  iz  a  lie,  or  will  be,  bi  the 
time  it  haz  changed  hands  once 
more 


I  wrote  5  years  just  for  glory, 
and  met  with  sum  glory,  but 
when  i  asked  for  pay,  every  bod- 
dy  found  out  at  once,  that  i  waz 
a  kussid  phool. 


Thare  iz  lots  ov  pholks  who  if 
they  should  miss  their  morning 
paper  wouldn't  kno  mutch  ov 
ennything  for  that  day 


THE    RED    CURRANT. 

Next  to  the  apple,  for  every  day  wear,  cums  the  red 
currant.  They  are  allmost  az  necessary,  and  common, 
for  sweetmeats,  in  all  well  regulated  familys,  az  hash  iz 
for  brekfasst.  They  gro  on  a  low  bush,  and  they  gro  so 
thick,  that  yu  couldn't  stik  another  one  on,  without 
knocking  off  two.  They  are  about  the  size  ov  a  dubble 
B  shot,  and  when  they  are  ripe,  are  az  red  az  the  eye  of 
a  wild  pigeon.  They  are  az  sour  az  the  blood  ov  a 
lemon,  but  plenty  ov  sugar  kures  them  ov  this  malady. 
Currants  are  good  green,  ripe,  and  haff  ripe,  and  are 
cheaper  than  herring,  and  not  haff  so  full  of  bones. 
Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  things  i  had  rather  do,  in  a  hot 
day,  than  pik  currants,  but  i  hav  dun  it  all  day,  when  i 
waz  a  boy,  and  got  a  ninepence  at  night  for  the  job.  I 
am  more  than  haff  a  centrry  old  now,  but  i  kan  look 
bak  and  see  just  how  brite,  and  how  big,  one  ov  them 
ninepences  used  to  be.  A  hundred  dollars  aint  haff  so 
mutch  munny  now,  az  they  waz  then.  I  wish  i  waz  a 
boy  agin,  and  knu  ov  life  what  i  kno  now,  i  would  bind 
miself,  if  I  could  allwuss  be  a  boy,  to  pik  currants  for  a 
ninepence  a  day,  az  long  az  the  currants  held  out. 


R E FLEET 

A  jealous  man  iz  allwuss  anxious  to  beleave  what  he 
doubts  the  most. 


Too  grate  a  luv  ov  popularity  makes  a  munky  ov  a 
man. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


o> 


1876. 


*1 


Five  years  yohn  spent  hunting  tonicks, 
He  drank  all  the  kures  in  the  land. 

And  lost  so  mutch  flesh  he  waz  forced 
To  hold  up  hiz  pants  tuith  each  hand. 


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Short  Fakts. 


Sighns    ov    warm- 

ness  ft   0    A  Ruth 

Comstok   born 

a  «  1786  s  tf 

<9  Ruth  Comstok  3 
had  the  $  dispepshy 

£?  more  rain     © 
££    A     now  expekt 
litening  rod  ^     0 

Til      3       venders 
%\  hot   but  wet   \% 
§  June  bugs   ^f  O 
^    ¥    3    have  cum 
more  heat  Q   ±  *$ 

Mark  r£i  Twain 
9  is  a  funny  kuss  # 
expekt  hotness  £^< 
fi  5  now  bury  ~ 
potatoes  K  y  V3 
O  ©  not  so  warm 
&  Old  Grimes  rfr 
is  ded  V  If  fi 
hunt  $  for  A  frogs 
^  hind  legs  =2= 
thunder  and  #  -3 
O  #  litening 
Q  thare  iz  a  d 
divinity  shapes 

□    our  ends  $?  fj 


7UP   KNOTS. 


He  who  elevates  hiz  profeshun 
iz  the  best  mechanik,  whether  he 
preaches  the  gospel,  peddles  phis 
ick,  or  skins  eels  for  a  living. 


Lazyness  iz  a  terrible  burden 
to  carry,  and  it  iz  one  ov  them 
kind  ov  burdens  that  yu  kant 
dump,  if  you  want  to  ever  so 
mutch. 


It  aint  no  disgrace  for  a  man  to 
fall,  but  to  lay  thare,  and  grunt, 


An  old  man  desperately  in  luv 
iz  an  objekt  ov  pitty,  he  iz  az 
bad  off.  az  a  lost  dog. 


THE  LITENING   ROD  MAN. 

Ever  since  Adam  waz  ordered  to  root,  or  perish, 
thare  haz  been  an  endless  lot  ov  labor  saving  masheens, 
invented,  az  plenty,  and  menny  ov  them  az  useless,  az 
tudstools  in  an  old  meadow.  Theze  invenshuns  are 
generally  pattented,  and  to  be  a  good  pattent  rite 
vender,  and  sell  a  man  an  injun  rubber  litening  rod, 
who  haz  allreddy  got  two,  requires  more  genius,  than  to 
be  consul  to  the  Azore  Islands.  I  have  seen  theze 
litening  rod  fellows  sell  a  man  a  rod  who  wouldn't  hav 
one  at  enny  price,  and  after  they  had  got  hiz  house  all 
covered  over  with  one,  and  got  the  munny  for  it,  git 
one  onto  hiz  barn,  and  pig  pen,  and  git  hiz  note  for 
them,  with  his  nabors  endorsement,  for  9  months,  with 
7  per  cent  interest  from  date.  I  should  be  a  mizerable 
hand  to  sell  a  pattent  rite  miself,  but  just  the  rite  kind 
ov  a  man  to  buy  one.  It  iz  a  grate  wonder  that  I  dont 
own  a  dozen  now,  that  would  be  az  useless  to  enny 
boddy  az  a  pair  ov  pattent  crutches  would  be  to  a  lame 
grasshopper.  I  hav  got  a  grate  deal  ov  pattent  rite 
kuriosity  in  my  compound,  and  am  allways  hanging 
around  things  that  hav  got  a  little  mistery  in  them,  but 
i  suppoze  i  hav  got  a  grate  deal  ov  caushun  too.  But 
now  I  think  ov  it,  kuriosity,  and  caushun,  well  mixt,  are 
a  hard  thing  to  sell  a  pattent  rite  to. 


ESPOUSE. 

The  fust  3  notes  i  endorsed  i  had  to  pay,  and  i  hope 
it  will  be  jiss  so  with  the  next  3. 


It  aint  no  kredit  for  enny  man,  to  work  for  nothing, 
and  board  himself. 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


1876. 


to 

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ex 


0//r  pashunt  now  took  to  reading, 
He  studdid  the  liver  ov  man, 

Untill  he  knu  what  ailed  him, 
A  heap  less,  than  when  he  began. 


#  2 


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Short  Fakts. 


Big-hotness  Q)  $ 
£,  SI  Paul  waz  an 

apostle  ©  $  # 
$y  sighns  gs  ov  i 
*f  8  thunder  3 
now  destroy  grass 
^  Sam  Perkins  ^ 

died     (     1836 
very  mutch   hot  Q 
4*   $    Sam  Perkins 
K  waz  f  a  J  pharo  ± 
-][-    dealer    I  —  * 
A   -nt    heathottens 

3    1    a    © 

snakes  ~  hav  cum 
O   3    it  rains  +»  -h- 

Ward  Beecher 
TT£  iz  a  preecher  6 
K  a  expekt  f^ 
thunder  go  ^  ^ 
9  ~  0  musketore 
c_  perforate  &  3 
hotly  rfr  1  cheuing 
gum  ||  diskovered 
©  *&  1596  A  © 
Adam  waz  our  0 
db  *  0  beginning 
©  mutch  §  hot  $ 
3  cheers  fi  X?  $ 
©   ¥    $  for  Adam 


RIGHT  BOWERS. 


Luv  is  the  strongest  pashun  ov 
a  woman's  harte,  she  has  got  to 
luv  sumthing,  either  a  baby,  a 
nu  bonnet,  a  lap  dog,  or  the 
heathen. 


I  am  allwuss  more  than  haff 
afraid  ov  the  man,  who  kant  talk 
5  minnitts  with  me,  on  enny  sub- 
jekt,  without  expressing  grate 
anxiety  about  my  soul. 


Go  slo  yung  man,  if  yu  tap 
both  ends  ov  yure  cider  barrell 
at  once,  and  draw  out  ov  the 
bung  hole  besides;  yure  cider 
aint  a  going  to  hold  out  long. 


Eat  hash  washing  days,  and  be 
thankfull  for  it,  even  if  yu  hav 
to  shut  both  eyes  to  do  it. 


THE    PEACH. 

Peaches  and  kream  will  convert  enny  man  who  iz 
worth  saving.  The  peach  haz  a  doun  on  them,  like 
the  doun  on  a  maiden's  cheek,  but  it  aint  hafF  so 
plezant  to  git  onto  the  lips.  Peach  brandy  iz  made 
out  ov  the  peach,  this  licker  haz  been  called  mellow, 
but  like  all  other  licker  that  i  hav  tried,  it  will  lay  out  a 
saint,  just  az  flatt  az  it  will  a  sinner.  The  fakt  ov  it  iz, 
thare  aint  no  kind  ov  ardent  rum,  i  dont  kare  how  art- 
less, and  gentle  the  name  ov  it  iz,  or  how  ritch,  and 
mello  yu  may  call  it,  but  what  will  throw  him  who 
wrassells  with  it,  be  he  phool,  or  be  he  philospher. 
Thare  iz  only  one  piece  ov  humanity  that  kan  stand 
ardent  speerits,  and  he  iz  an  injun,  and  he  kant  stand 
it,  only  just  long  enuff  to  git  civilized.  When  peach 
brandy  is  fust  made  it  iz  az  hot  az  a  streak  ov  litening, 
and  just  about  az  sudden.  I  once  drank  a  tea  spoon 
full  ov  it  warm  from  the  still,  and  it  waz  20  minnitts 
be  fore  i  could  draw  a  long  breath.  I  waz  az  hot 
inside  az  a  chimney  on  fire.  I  thought  it  would  brake 
out  and  blaze  sum  whare,  but  it  didn't  happen  to. 


DIGEST. 

I  konsider  all  profeshions  that  are  honest,  honorabell 
enuff,  but  i  hav  thought,  that  a  travelling  korn  doktor, 
waz  the  last  one  i  should  adopt,  just  for  the  sake  ov 
glory. 


Thare  iz  one  thing  about  a  mule  that  i  allwuss  did 
like,  the  minnitt  that  you  begin  to  flatter  them,  then 
they  begin  to  kik. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1876. 


S3 


yohn  bought  next  a  kord  of  hard  wood, 
And  sazved  like  a  man  on  a  bet. 

It  bent  him  dubble, — if  it  hadn't, — 
yohn  would  have  sawed  at  it  yet. 


It 


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Short  Fakts. 


Mutch  warm  TTR  A 
i^tx  now  consume 
©  juleps  4  %  Q) 
thunder  showers 
Pete  Larkins  2g|?~ 
£?      absconds  1741 

©   !  I  S3   O 
5*  immense   heat  © 
now     ^    ^    -rr    TTJ2. 
[  1  ]  !  I    pik  geese 

1C  more  hotter  $ 
Eve  waz  our  (!) 
$  If  fust  mother 
§  less  O  hot  O 
fleas  are  here  ^  =£= 
1U  ^>  tt  big  rain 
pills  diskovered  436 
X  hot  V3  seems  3 

I  morely  J 
now  snatch  ts\  0 
¥  0  Q  doun  oats 
thunder  *f  •  and 
ss  $  r£i  litening  ^ 
Ben  Franklin  3  H- 
TTg  0  §  waz  a  A 
SiPieinjdjtihjriijfjt 

expekt  fg*  flies 
Judas  Iskariott  $ 
$  waz  a  Jl  T  fi 
3    9a   failure 


QUEEN  BEES. 


He  who  aims  at  perfekshun 
will  probably  miss  the  mark,  but 
he  who  aims  at  nothing,  iz  sure 
to  hit  it  every  time. 


The  man  who  haz  been  waiting 
for  the  last  15  years,  for  sumthing 
to  turn  up,  iz  to  work  on  the 
same  job  yet. 


I  had  a  grate  deal  rather  be 
told  that  a  man  is  virteuous,  and 
honest,  than  to  hear  that  hiz 
father  is  a  member  ov  congress? 
or  even  that  hiz  grandfather,  fit 
into  the  revolushun. 


Men  sumtimes  hav  doubts  about 
their  religion,  and  even  honesty, 
but  i  never  met  one  who  doubted 
his  shrewdness. 


THE    BUMBLE    BEE. 

The  bumble  bee  iz  a  kind  ov  big  fly  who  goes  mutter- 
ing, and  swareing  around  the  lots,  during  the  summer, 
looking  after  little  boys  to  sting  them,  and  stealing 
hunny  out  ov  the  dandylions,  and  thissells.  He  iz  mad 
all  the  time  about  sumthing,  and  dont  seem  to  kare  a 
kuss  what  people  think  ov  him.  A  skool  boy  will 
studdy  harder  enny  time  to  find  a  bumble  bees  nest 
than  he  will  to  git  hiz  lesson  in  arithmetik,  and  when 
he  haz  found  it,  and  got  the  hunny  out  ov  it,  and  got 
badly  stung  into  the  bargin,  he  finds  thare  aint  mutch 
margin  in  it.  Next  to  poor  mollassis,  bumble  bee 
hunny  iz  the  poorest  kind  ov  sweetmeats  in  market. 
Bumble  bees  hav  allwuss  been  in  fashion,  and  probably 
allwuss  will  be,  but  whare  the  fun,  or  proffit  lays  in 
them,  i  never  could  cypher  out.  The  profrit  dont  seem 
to  be  in  the  hunny,  nor  in  the  bumble  bee  neither. 
They  bild  their  nest  in  the  ground,  or  enny  whare  else 
they  take  a  noshun  too,  and  aint  afrade  to  fite  a  whole 
distrikt  skool,  if  they  meddle  with  them.  I  dont  blame 
the  bumble  bee,  nor  enny  other  fellow,  for  defending 
hiz  sugar,  it  iz  the  fust,  and  last  Law  ov  natur,  and  i 
hope  the  law  wont  never  run  out.  The  smartest  thing 
about  the  bumble  bee  iz  their  stinger. 


DISCUSS. 

Mice  very  seldum  cum  out  ov  a  hole  that  iz  clussly 
watched. 

o 

I  fully  beleave  in  ghosts,  but  I  never  herd  yet  ov  two 
persons  seeing  the  same  ghost,  at  the  same  time. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1876. 


■5  • 


Q 
I 

6> 


yohn's  minister  called  on  him  now, 

His  case  exciting  alarm. 
The  good  man  sed,  "John  is  all  right," 

Only  go  to  work  on  a  farm. 


> 
I 


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Short  Fakts. 


3  za  Mildly  d  3 
now  ~  TT|,  crickets 
simmer  8  soft  n  3 
ZZ  Fred  Johnsing 
deceased  0  £  A 
iQx  3  wind  east 
Johnsing  waz  TT^  ^ 

Q      a  barber     <Q 
now  lift       ©       "a 
onions       tf     warm 

$  $  rane  ±  © 
Chapin     0    iz    ifc  a 

p*r*e*a*c*h*-e*r 
©      •    mild    *     O 
D    September    ^ 

now  the  cuckoo 
K  8  O  hollers 
expekt  showers  © 
"3?  -w  Sim  Darling 
born  1492  %  ~  ^ 
#  A  $  "si  quod 
infantum"  If  3 
^  much  pleasant 
now  the  lamb  ^± 
V3    $    bleats    *    Q 

3  sweet  -H-  weather 
giv   us   your    hand 

K  stranger    6 
(£  ""l  for   90   days 


UPPER  KRUSTS. 


The  gratest  bores  in  the  world 
are  those  who  are  eternally  trie- 
ing  to  prove  to  yu  that  2,  and  2, 
allwuss  makes  4. 


One  ov  the  simplest  ways  to 
try  menny  men's  faith  iz,  to  ask 
them  to  subskribe  for  fixing  up 
the  meeting  house. 


Free  luv  is  the  science  ov  luve- 
ing  sumboddy  else's  wife  more 
than  yu  do  yure  own,  and  trieing 
to  preserve  a  good  average, — it 
kant  be  did. 


Stealing   is   the   oldest   sin   on 
rekord, — stealing  apples. 


THE     YELLO    JACKET. 

The  yello  jacket  iz  ov  the  wasp  purswashun,  and  iz 
about  one  size  smaller  than  the  common  blak  hornet, 
and  iz  az  mutch  hotter,  in  hiz  coolest  moments,  than 
enny  other  bug,  az  jersey  litening  iz  hotter  than  ice 
kream.  They  are  the  most  krewel  fighters  in  existence, 
and  will  hit  a  man,  or  beast,  four  times  in  a  seckond,  in 
the  same  spot.  They  are  az  yello  az  gold,  and  when 
they  are  good  mad,  they  blaze  like  a  kandle.  When  a 
yello  jacket  gits  mad  all  the  way  through,  he  will  fite 
a  brush  heap  on  fire,  just  az  quick  az  he  will  a  mile 
stun.  I  hav  seen  them  pitch  on  to  each  other,  and 
having  killed  their  man,  close  up  the  fite  by  stinging 
themselfs  to  death.  Dont  go  near  a  yellow  jacket's  nest 
in  the  month  of  August,  unless  yure  life  iz  insured,  not 
even  a  hard  shell  Baptist,  or  a  missionary,  would  be  safe 
in  that  naborhood.  They  kant  tell  a  friend  from  a  foe, 
and  I  think  would  sting  a  potash  kittle,  a  dozen  times, 
and  not  mistrust  it  waz  iron.  They  make  homes  for 
themselfs  out  in  the  lots  amungst  the  ploughed  ground, 
and  i  hav  seen  them  bile  out  ov  their  nests  like  a  dis- 
trikt  skool  let  out  for  noon,  or  a  smothered  fire,  and 
pitching  into  the  oxen,  farmer,  and  plough,  drive  the 
whole  party,  on  the  jump,  off  from  the  premises. 


E  MB  R  A C E  . 

Most  men  are  like  vinegar,  the  older  they  gro,  the 
sourer  they  git. 

o 

Lazy  men,  and  black  ants,  are  allwuss  hunting  for  a 
job. 


31  Days. 


i 

1 

jg  oc 

'o 


OCTOBER. 


■ 

B 
I 


Our  hero  soon  found  out  a  place, 

With  a  farmer ',  kind  hearted  indeed, 

Who  let  htm  ho  corn  for  nothing, 
And  only  charged  John  for  his  feed. 


1876. 


> 

I 

w 

*!■ 

jo    O 

<  3 

a-S- 


i 

2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
ii 

12 

J3 
14 
*5 
16 

17 

18 

x9 

20 
21 
22 

23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 

30 
31 


Short  Fakts. 


8  n  •  Jack 
Frosty    fi       3      I 

ff  now  If  hunt  >C 
butternuts  -Q,  A 
$  cool  but  wet  © 
John     Bunyan     O 

$    \   waz  a  pilgrim 

*     more  cool     * 
now    trap     ±      0 
rfr      $     for  rats  § 

0  wind  northy  & 
apple  sass  ^    ess  ^ 

Q  J  invented  986 
wet  but  cool  3  ~3 
~  VS  H  now  jerk 
turnips  2£  ^  TT|, 
=2=  9   more  J-^ — *-]] 

moistly  O  ^    Q 
sun  in    3    apogee 
;  frosty         now  '. 

f  destroy  $  early  -h- 

^r       pork      TTR. 
sum   snow     £      9 
T     [     Dan  Barker 
kikt  the  bucket    6 
Hf*     1691      8    ft 

koldy  /a  now 
smash  Q)  wood  n 
muskeeters   skarse* 


MORNING  STARS* 


Seckond  luv,  iz  like  a  seckond 
case  ov  the  measles,  the  pashunt 
iz  sure  to  allwuss  hav  it  light. 


Yu  kant  hire  a  man  to  be  hon- 
est,  if  yer  do,  he  will  want  his 
wages  raised  every  morning. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  religion 
in  this  world  that  iz  like  a  life 
preserver,  only  put  on  at  the 
moment  ov  extreme  danger,  and 
then  half  the  time  put  on  hind 
side  before. 


Most  people  are  .like  an  egg9 
too  full  of  themselves  to  hold 
enny  more. 


THE     YANKEE    PEDLAR. 

Probably  the  sharpest  man  that  the  world  haz  been 
blest  with  thus  far  iz  the  natral  born  Yankee  pedlar. 
He  takes  to  the  bizzness  just  az  handy  az  a  yung  duk 
takes  to  the  water,  who  haz  been  hatched  out  by  mis- 
take amung  a  lot  ov  hen's  eggs.  He  kan  see  just  whare 
the  proffit  lies  in  a  dicker,  and  aint  afrade  to  invest  hiz 
whole  pile,  at  a  minnitt's  notiss,  in  an  assorted  lot  ov 
goose  yokes.  He  begins  life  yung,  and  like  the  bizzy 
ant,  gits  up  arly,  and  eats  on  the  run.  Az  long  az  he 
keeps  honest  he  iz  sure  to  sukceed,  but  sumtimes  hiz 
genius  iz  too  mutch  for  hiz  integrity,  and  every  boddy 
gits  to  be  az  frade  ov  him,  az  they  are  ov  a  hornet. 
The  hornet  iz  the  smartest  bug  in  kreashun,  but  haint 
got  no  friends.  The  world  luvs  to  be  cheated,  but 
they  want  to  hav  it  dun  bi  an  honest  man,  and  not  bi  a 
hornet,  and  then  they  never  seem  to  git  tired  ov  it.  I 
hav  seen  Yankee  pedlars  who  allwus  cheated  every 
boddy  they  traded  with,  but  they  allwuss  did  it  so 
honest,  and  square,  that  every  boddy  seemed  to  be 
happy  when  their  turn  cum.  But  the  old  fashioned 
Yankee  pedlar,  with  his  little  red  painted  kart,  and 
bobtail  pony,  like  the  letterings  on  the  mile  stuns,  iz  fast 
fading  away. 


SEIZE. 

Stik  and  hang  yung  man,  it  iz  the  last  six  inches  in  a 
race  that  allwuss  wins  the  munny. 


If  yu  want  to  find  out  just  how  mean,  and  dishonest, 
yu  hav  allwuss  been,  git  a  nominashun,  and  run  for  sum 
offiss. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1876. 


p 

a 

s® 

.3 

I 


y<?/^«  r#**/ «*  a  hand  bill  somewhare, 
That  salt  water  was  shure  to  save  him, 

So  he  went  forthwith  to  Long  Branch, 
And  hired  a  man  to  bathe  him. 


II?  g: 


H    W 


i 

2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 
io 
ii 

12 

r3 
14 

*5 

16 

i7 

18 

J9 

20 
21 
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23 

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25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 


Short  Fakts. 


Kold  but  sour  T7£ 
3  %&t  now  worry 
the  fires  £  *  Jj? 
sno  J  9  I  foot  O 
n  -H-  TTB.  deep 
Zeke  £  Rathbun 
failed  1862  £?  0 
kold  2£  $  grows 
£2=  Zeke  waz  in  9 

the  pea  nut  V3  • 
~^J  ~  K  profeshun 
grate  kold  ©  ^ 
$  0  now  £  £ 
mastikate  #  3  ^, 

±      ft      c 

v^  ham  and  egg 
kolder  J  j  f  ^]|) 
TTJ2.  avoid  0  tite   * 

ft     boots     rfr 
sno  inkreases  £?  Q 
ct   r-  Satan    iz  -v 

a  Q   mean    3    kuss 

it    ~*   thaws 
mutch  kold    A      fi 
jgy   ©  hitch   up   to 
the  fire  n     W.     = 

T  D  *«■  1 


EARLY  BIRDS. 


Thoze  who  are  too  proud  to 
enquire  what  a  thing  kosts  when 
they  buy  it,  are  the  fust  ones  to 
find  fault  when  they  cum  to  pay 
for  it. 


Kards,  whiskey,  and  hoss  race 
ing,  bring  all  men  down  to  the 
same  level. 


If  a  man  writes  for  fame,  the 
less  he  writes,  the  better. 


When  a  man  meazzures  out 
glory  for  himself,  he  allwuss  heaps 
the  harT  bushel. 


THE  KUNTRY  HOSS  JOCKEY. 

For  a  red  hot  speciality,  yu  hav  got  to  hunt  kreashun 
cluss,  to  find  an  equal,  to  the  kuntry  hoss  jockey.  He 
iz  allwuss  a  man  ov  plezant  temperament,  vain  ov  hiz 
opinyuns,  often  ov  more  fancy  than  judgement,  and 
quik  to  decide.  He  haz  but  little  real  affecksun  for  a 
hoss,  and  only  luvs  him,  for  the  cheat  that  iz  in  him. 
He  iz  allwuss  reddy  to  trade  for  enny  thing,  from  a  yer- 
ling  kolt,  to  the  kavalry  hoss  that  Gen  Butler  rode,  at 
the  battle  ov  Brandywine.  He  never  knows  when  he 
gits  cheated,  and  ever  thinks,  that  the  last  nag  he  got,  iz 
the  best  one  he  ever  owned.  He  iz  not  bothered  witli 
too  mutch  conscience,  and  would  az  *soon  lay  out  a 
travelling  preacher  in  a  swop,  az  hiz  own  father-in-law, 
and  do  it  without  enny  malice,  but  just  for  the  honor  ov 
the  profeshun.  I  dont  kno  whi  it  iz,  that  a  man  kan 
trade  cows  and  be  pious,  or  swop  oxen,  and  be  a  good 
deakon,  or  even  negoshiate  dogs,  arid  be  look t  upon 
favourably,  but  when  he  goes  into  the  hoss  trading 
enterprize,  if  he  kant  cheat,  he  haz  mistaken  hiz  calling, 
and  aint  happy.  The  hoss  jockey  iz  sumtimes  honest 
from  policy,  and  the  man  who  iz  simply  honest  from 
policy,  needs  az  mutch  watching  az  a  hive  ov  bees  do, 
who  are  just  gitting  reddy  to  swarm. 


D  ISKO  UNT. 

If  yu  want  to  find  out  the  utter  weakness  ov  munny, 
just  try  to  hire  a  dubble  tooth  to  stop  akeing. 


A  boy  will  learn  to  sware  well,  in  just  haff  the  time  it 
takes  to  learn  the  10  commands. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1876. 


1 

S 


I 


(i) 


^7/^«  &?//  growing  wusser  and  wuss, 
Thinner ,  and  thinner  each  day. 

At  last  he  waz  nothing  but  mist, 
And  an  East  wind  blu  him  away. 


J 

n 
a  g 

c/j" 

5' 

era 


I 
2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 

io 
ii 

12 

13 
14 
15 
16 

17 

18 

J9 

20 

21 

22 

23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 

30 

111 


5_ 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

VV 

T 

F 

S 

G 


Short  Fakts. 


O  ~  3j  Raw  kold 
now  whissell  6  * 
$$£i  in  your  kats 
more  snowy  Q  □ 
TTJ2.  0  Sue  Benson 
died  1812  -H-  0 
$  expekt  ©  snow 
Sue  J  waz  fa*  flirt 
mutch  raw  fi  A 
0  U  3  now 
con:  :glom:  :e:  :rate 

6  sassage  j£i 
wind  north  ^  flf 
i£i  ±  Noah  "J"  ft 
owned  Y  the  ¥  ark 
(Q  a  it  TTB.  snows 
let  her  snow   ^     *» 

$  ©  8  hansum  iz 
az  hansum   duz   V3 

•    t-^I    © 
:|:  quite  snowfull  ~ 
now   slay      *     £? 
0    S     t&  turkeys 
Noah    O    Webster 

&     bilt   the     6 
dikshionaryn  Q  A 

V3  HT  ^ 

may  we  all  meet 
$    Y    0    next  year 
Good-Bye  !  !  !  ! 


MIXT  PHOOD. 


Whiskey  makes  a  grate  menny 
wize  men  to  day,  and  phools 
tommorow. 


-coo- 


Persons  who  marry  after  a  long 
and  tejus  courtship,  go  into  bizz- 
ness  with  just  about  the  same 
alakraty,  that  an  old  plough  hoss 
jogs  to  church  on  Sunday. 


Kuriosity  is  the  same  in  all 
people,  the  vulgar  stare,  and  the 
refined  peek  tfiru  a  krak. 


It  is  sed  that  men  will  tell  the 
truth  when  they  are  drunk,  but 
sutch  folks  will  lie  more  than 
enuff  to  ballance  the  akount, 
just  az  soon  az  they  git  sober. 


THE    BEAN. 

Next  to  rhy  bread,  beans  hav  been  called  by  the 
poets,  and  philosphers  the  cumfort,  and  staff  ov  life. 
The  bean  iz  all  food,  thare  iz  no  more  waste  in  them, 
than  thare  iz  in  a  pint  ov  cold  water,  when  a  man  iz 
auphull  dry.  Beans  are  all  colors,  and  most  shapes, 
flat,  round,  oblong,  square,  and  3  cornered,  and  a  quart 
ov  them  put  into  a  pot,  and  biled  2  hours,  will  meazzure 
a  gallon,  and  a  haff,  when  they  cum  out.  This  makes 
them  a  better  dividend  paying  seed  than  enny  thing  we 
kno  ov.  Beans  are  az  old  az  Esau,  he  sold  out  for  bean 
porridge.  Beans  gro  on  the  jump,  and  thare  aint  but 
phew  things  that  kan  beat  a  bean  klimbing  a  pole.  I 
luv  beans,  but  dont  hanker  for  them.  But  beans,  and 
me  wont  quarrell.  Baked  beans  are  a  grate  necessity 
in  Nu  England,  and  not  to  hav  a  platter  ov  them  for 
Sunday  dinner,  iz  lookt  upon  thare  az  being  stuck-up  to 
the  neighbors.  One  ov  the  old  blue  laws  ov  Massa- 
chusetts waz,  "  thou  shalt  eat  baked  beans  on  Sunday" 
I  kan  remember  now  ov  eating  baked  beans,  and  rhy, 
and  injun  bread  every  Sunday,  when  i  waz  a  boy,  and 
luving  it,  bekauze  i  waz  obliged  to. 


EXAMINE. 

The  happyest  time  in  enny  ones  life,  iz  the  fust  20 
minnitts  after  they  hav  had  an  akeing  tooth  jerkt  out. 


Imaginashun  never  filled  a  man's   stummak  yet,  yu 
kant  git  pork,  and  beans,  by  dreaming  about  them. 


Tory 


far    /(     ryuv^, /(U.  r     /%Ze^    O^x  o  S  /~~  <T\r 


HATCH    &   FOOTE, 

BANKERS, 

Jfo.  12  WALL  STREET,  JNEW  YORK. 


We  buy  and  sell  U.  S.  BONDS,  execute  orders  in  Stocks,  Bonds, 
and  Miscellaneous  Securities,  and  transact  a  general  Ba>king  Busi- 
ness.    Interest  allowed  on  deposits. 


14 


>>e  cC^pOt^'i   toy  it <ru^s-L//&  7? 


SAMUEL    BIJDD, 


No.    1101     BEOADWAY, 

J7EW   YO(RK. 


15 


The    grate   twelve    original    sighns    in 

the    Billings    Allminax. 

c^>v 

Head  and  Face.     !$ 

• 

Breast. 
V3 

Bowels. 

Arms. 
$ 

Heart. 
* 

Reins. 

~~JL/ 

Z_^ffBy) 

^JSKImL 

Thighs. 
© 

sSfBSSh 

Secrets. 
0 

Legs. 

Up} 

Knees. 

'                                Feet.     23 

Stranger!    wouldst   thou    kno  whar   the 

sighn   iz  ? 

Lo,  and  behold  I   "  thou  paze  thy  rnunny, 

and  thou  takest  thine  choice." 

3 

THE    BOOK    CANVASSER. 

The  book  canvasser  iz  a  red  hot  being,  az  untiring  az 
a  fox  hound,  and  az  free  from  diffidence  az  a  fish  pedlar. 
He  works  hiz  way  into  every  spot  in  kreashun,  and  will 
often  sell  a  book  to  a  man,  for  hiz  own  price,  who  swore 
at  first  that  he  wouldn't  take  it  az  a  gift.  He  will  travel 
more  miles  in  a  day,  on  less  hash,  than  a  stage  horse, 
and  kan  stand  more  abuse  than  a  chinaman.  The  book 
canvasser  haz  bekum  the  terror  of  the  land,  and  mankind 
hide  from  him  az  they  would  from  the  taxgatherer,  or  a 
case  ov  the  small  pox.  I  rather  like  the  book  canvasser, 
when  a  man  pitches  into  me,  and  offers  to  sell  me  650 
pages  ov  "  Doktor  John  Hirsute1  s  modified  diagnosis  ov 
the  cappilliary  attrakshun"  and  stiks  to  it  untill  he  gits 
the  book  onto  me,  i  am  delighted  with  the  man,  and 
proud  ov  miself.  It  takes  genius  to  do  theze  things,  and 
i  luv  genius  in  all  shapes,  whether  it  appears  az  the 
author  ov  a  dikshionary,  or  the  pattentee  of  bar  soap, 
warrented  to  take  the  letterings  off  from  a  mile  stone  in 
three  washings.  The  book  canvasser  haz  mi  hottest 
prayers  for  hiz  sukcess,  and  tho  i  never  ov  late  subskribe 
for  enny  thing,  not  even  to  buy  the  new  klergyman  an 
independant  seckond  hand  trotting  kronometor,  still  i 
am  allwus  reddy  to  reckomend  him  to  mi  nabors. 


SLUNG    SHOT. 

"  Throw fisick  to  the  dogs"  is  a  very  old  proverb,  but 
whare  will  yu  find  the  dog  that  will  tutch  it  ? 


Experience  teaches  us  mutch,  but  learns  us  little. 


PREVAILING    SENTIMENTS    OV 

THE    PRESS. 

Josh  Billings  still  livs,  and  his  Allminax  for  1877  iz  full 

ov  joy  for  the  sad,  and  rest  for  the  weary. 

Atlantik  Monthly. 
0 

How  natural,  how  happy,  how  concise,  how  forcible, 

it  is,  Josh  Billings'  Allminax  for  1877. 

Appletoris  Journal. 
0 

Welcome,  sweet  morsel  of  delight,  ever  funny,  and 

ever  profound,  Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  for  the 

current  year. 

Harpers'  Bazzar. 

Bully  for  you  Josh,  hit  'em  agin,  slay,  and  spare  not, 

may  you  outlive  Methuseler,  and  not  haul  in  your  gang 

plank  until  Gabriel  cries,  "All  a  board." 

Springfield  Republican. 

Aroma  of  lovelyness,  perfume  of  joy,  essence  of  til- 

tilation,  breath  of  beauty,  seance  of  bliss,  Josh  Billings' 
Allminax  for  1877. 

lady's  Book. 

5 

THE    CHIPMUNK. 

The  chipmunk  iz  the  smallest  of  the  squirrell  tribe. 
They  are  striped  goods,  having  three  blak  lines  wove 
into  them,  running  the  same  way  the  squirrell  duz.  Az 
a  spekulator  in  corn  the  chipmunk  stands  at  the  hed  ov 
all  the  small  operators,  beating  the  blujay,  in  hiz  yearly 
operashuns  about  a  quart.  The  chipmunk  carrys  hiz 
corn  in  hiz  mouth,  and  when  he  cums  out  ov  a  cornfield 
loaded  with  the  cereal,  his  cheeks  stik  out  like  a  duch 
baby's.  Sumtimes  the  chipmunk  iz  kaught  and  kept  in 
a  cage,  and  iz  made  to  turn  a  wheel  for  a  living,  this  iz 
the  only  usefull  work  they  hav  ever  been  known  to  do. 
I  hav  often  lookt  at  them  at  work  in  their  wheels,  and 
dont  kno  which  i  pitty  the  most,  the  chipmunk,  or  the 
party  who  has  to  tend  them,  both  of  them  mite  be  in 
better  bizzness.  They  are  the  only  insekt  who  dig  their 
holes  and  sho  no  pile  ov  dirt  at  the  entrance.  I  hav 
asked  sevral  smart  men  what  bekums  ov  the  dirt,  but 
they  all  shook  their  heds  and  lookt  awfull  wize.  When 
i  waz  a  boy  i  used  to  ketch  chipmunks  bi  running  away 
from  skool,  and  the  day  that  I  brought  in  two  ov  them 
waz  a  big  day  for  me. 


CRUMBS. 

The  devil  iz  a  very  cunning  phellow,  but  the  blunders 
he  makes  allwuss  eats  up  the  proffitts  in  hiz  bizzness. 


A  dandy  iz  an  individul  whoze  usephullness  in  this 
world  depends  entirely  upon  the  fit  ov  hiz  clothes. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1877. 


u   < 

I 

s  r 


.a 


;'i 


Hawk  eyed,  and  spileing  for  a  fight, 
If  enny  one  thinks  they  kan  lick  him, 

yust  let  them  put  up  the  spondulicks, 
And  trot  out  the  other  game  chicken. 


fir* 

%> 


m£ 


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Items. 


A  Now  dig  ice 
^  kold  ©  but 
raw  S  ^T  meazles 
diskovered  1312  Y 
ess  *  snowfull  *  ¥ 
Adam  fell  Q)  hard 
:::  wind  north  a 
§  Enok  Jones  died 
<P  1 102  —  more 
snow  1TL  Enok  < 
^  Jones  was  a  free 
lover  %*  sighns  !! 
ov  melting  (S2)  now 
destroy  sum  —  © 
hogs  f  it  rains  3 
"^  litening  <5  bugs 
fust  seen  956  $  (!) 
x  inkreasing  snow 
#  mormonism  $^« 
invented  1832  ()  * 
J  Jg£F"  snow  4  feet 
deep  *  now  the  ess 
[$]  muskeeter  [$] 
lies  /a  □  dreaming 
0  cold  Q)  □  S 
morely    iS    +    ^ 

^  now  , s    the 

c&  :o:  kat  Q  ^ 
huggeth  the  A  0 
— <I> —       □      stove 


PETS. 


A  man  with  mutch  welth,  and 
no  pedigree,  should  do  az  the 
bob  tailed  kats  do,  set  down  on 
himself,  and  keep  still. 


Tricks  upon  travellers  are  all- 
wuss  dangerous  experiments,  i 
hav  known  a  ded  hornet  to 
wake  up  sudden,  and  sting  just 
once  more. 


Familiarity  iz  a  dangerous  ex- 
periment, the  most  familiar  thing 
in  the  whole  world  iz  a  puppy, 
and  the  oftenest  stept  on. 


This  is  my  plan,— to  beleave 
all  things  that  i  hear,  but  to  put 
mi  faith,  and  munny,  in  but  few. 


7 


SUM  ABRUPT  LETTERS. 

Dear  Bob. — The  most  disgusting  kritter  to  me,  in  the 
whole  ov  the  United  States  ov  Amerika,  iz  an  overgrown 
boy,  ov  about  fifteen  summers,  who  haz  bekum  the  ter- 
ror ov  the  whole  family,  and  spends  hiz  spare  time  ham- 
mering the  cow,  and  stirring  up  the  pig,  and  chickens. 
If  the  father,  or  father-in-law,  ov  one  ov  these  youths, 
will  lend  him  to  me,  if  i  dont  civilize  him,  or  kill  him  in 
ninety  days,  i  will  agree  to  forfit  50  dollars,  and  the 
cloth  for  a  new  alpacka  dress. 

P.S. — Send  on  the  boy  at  once,  at  mi  expense,  i  am 
just  now  out  ov  a  job. — J.B. 

o 

Dear  Steve. — It  iz  hard  work  to  be  in  luv  and  not  akt 
phoolish,  but  luv  iz  the  only  thing  i  kno  ov  that  makes 
pholly  excusable.  Luv  haz  made  sum  kind  ov  a  phool 
ov  every  man  it  haz  attacked  since  the  days  ov  Adam, 
and  it  made  the  biggest  kind  ov  a  phool  ov  him.  Wis- 
dum,  and  ambishun  iz  no  protekshun  aginst  the  disseaze, 
for  Soloman  evaporated  before  it  like  the  dew  before  the 
morning  sun,  and  even  good  old  David  wilted  like  the 
hewn  grass. 

— o 

Dear  Hank. — When  yu  strike  ile  pull  out  yure  auger 
at  onst,  and  begin  to  barrell  the  ile,  menny  a  man  haz 
kept  on  untill  he  bored  klean  thru  and  sum  other  phellow 
kaught  the  grease  at  the  bottom. 

BULBS. 

Ministers  often  point  out  to  us,  poor  sinners,  the  strate, 
and  narrow  gauge,  az  the  only  way  to  git  to  heaven, 
while  they  hav  got  a  private  turnpike  ov  their  own  that 
2.40  kan  be  made  on. 

o 

Waiting  to  be  whipt  iz  the  most  uninteresting  period 
in  boyhood  life. 


8 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


2  0 

B 


.a  fl 


1877. 


kJ  o 


An  ugly  lump  is  the  Tarrier  Bullt 
For  fighting  allwuss  reddy, 

With  Mike  0: Rotike  he  travels, 
And  his  name  iz  one  eyed  Teddy, 


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The  kold  -'N- 
chatters  ~*~*  Bill 
Comstock  deceased 
!!  1746  □  sighn  ov 
snow  %  Bill  0 
Comstock  died  ov 
f  §  a  broken  heart 
more  koldful  ()  $^* 
f  Bill  Comstock  Q 
tried  to  lift  a  rfr  Y 
ton  *  kolder  *  but 
couldn't  f  A  snow 
#*  falls  -a-  sun  in 
apogee  •  bitter  § 
kold  f^<  rats  are 
skarse  SI  it  storms 
C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r 
Columbus  ©  S  c* 
^  diskovered  d 
Amerika  w  koldness 
waxes  :-v-:  now  S 
■$•  »%  the  4-  SI 
bull  frog  , —  holds 
[0]  hiz  tung  *  -^ 
snow  rages  &s  Sam 
:]:  Patch  died  |J| 
poor  *  1837  *    *^< 


VAGRANTS. 


Life  aint  mutch  more  than  a 
farce  enny  how,  but  it  iz  quite 
necessary  that  the  play  should 
go  on,  and  the  farce  be  well 
ackted. 

000 

The  man  whoze  ambishun  iz 
simply  to  liv,  iz  of  no  more  im- 
portanse  in  this  world,  than  an 
extra  rat  iz. 


If  Adam  and  Eve  had  remained 
in  the  garden  ov  Eden  untill  to 
day,  they  would  hav  simply  been 
two  fat,  overgrown  babys. 


The  gratest  cumfort  i  hav  seen 
in  marrid  life  waz  whare  one  ov 
the  partys  wanted  everything 
their  own  way,  and  the  other 
party  waz  willing  they  should 
hav  it. 


THE    ALLIGATOR. 

The  alligator  iz  an  original  kritter,  a  chip  of  the  old 
block,  and  az  ugly  to  kontemplate  az  a  congo  darkey. 
They  are  residents  ov  Florida,  and  gro  12  feet,  and  nine 
inches  and  then  halt.  Their  teeth  are  all  tushes,  and 
their  mouth  iz  az  full  ov  them  az  a  buzz  saw  iz.  Their 
eys  are  sot  up,  and  down,  in  their  hed  like  a  chinamans, 
and  they  hav  an  appetight  equal  to  18  distrikt  skool 
masters.  They  are  the  krokerdiles  ov  Amerika,  and  lay 
eggs  az  eazy  az  a  hen  duz,  but  dont  kackle  when  they 
cum  oph  from  the  nest.  They  are  grate  cowards  but  aint 
afrade  ov  yung  pork,  or  little  darkeys,  and  kan  eat  all 
the  time,  or  go  without  eating,  az  long  az  a  gold  fish  kan. 
The  alligator  waz  made  for  sum  usefull  purpose,  but  like 
the  muskeeter,  the  bedbugg,  and  the  kokroach,  their  use- 
fullness  haz  been  karephully  hid  from  us.  Yu  kan  shoot 
a  hundred  alligators  a  day  on  the  St.  Johns  river,  but 
you  kant  bag  one,  and  thare  aint  enny  more  game  in 
them,  than  thare  iz  in  a  rotten  log.  They  are  long  lived, 
and  liv,  if  mi  memory  serves  me  right,  4  thousand  years, 
and  their  grate  strength  lays  in  their  tails.  They  hiss 
when  they  are  angry  like  a  tea  kittle,  and  want  az  mutch 
room  to  turn  round  in  az  a  fore  and  aft  skooner. 


DEW    DROPS. 

I  hav  known  whiskey  to  make  a  man  generous,  but 
when  he  got  sober  agin,  he  would  git  square  with  himself, 
bi  being  meaner  than  ever. 


The  man  who  iz  rekless  ov  hiz  life  holds  it  at  just 
about  its  market  value. 


10 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1877. 


5*< 


CS     □ 


Darwin  sez,  we  hail  from  the  munky, 
And  Darwin  knows  all  about  this  things 

But  while  i  respekt  mi  poor  relashuns, 

From  whitchy  pray  tell  me,  did  the  munky  spring. 


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It  blows  0  A 
(£?)  Robert  Burns 
O  wrote  poetry  © 
more  wind     1 !     Q) 

•  Fulton  was  *  a 
©     steambote     &s 

•  3  Capting 
v—  wind  travels  —> 
around  loose  i&\ 
3  !  now  set  hens 
y  kold  and  raw  V3 
kongress  sits  !  more 
<$  windy  &  Bob 
Fletcher  0  loved 
not  ©  wisely  *  but 
too  well  X  Bob 
V3  Fletcher  loved 
whiskey  f  wind  $ 
Easty  *  Bonaparte 
$?  was  a  ~  Trt 
£p  Frenchman  © 
Tf  $  rain  *f  with 
^39*  w-i-n-d  /ss 
T^i  buty  ^*^  iz 
short  lived     9      2{ 

•  it  blows  3  j£i 
£T  A  fi  *&  now 
O  twitch  teeth  fi 
more  B  n  $ 
-3    0     6    wind    5 


NUTMEGS. 


Enny  man  kan  beat  me  out 
ov  mi  munny,  and  mi  opinyuns, 
eazy  enuff,  but  no  man  kan  beat 
me  out  ov  mi  faith. 


One  ov  the  most  unhappy 
kritters  in  this  world  iz  a  neg- 
lekted  pet,  they  are  wuss  off 
than  a  vagrant. 


The  middle  course  iz  the  best, 
even  a  moderate  deakon  iz  bet- 
ter than  a  red  hot  one. 


Yung  man,  dont  ask  enny 
favours,  it  iz  better  to  hav  the 
world  owe  yu  10  dollars,  and 
finally  git  cheated  out  ov  it, 
than  to  owe  them  one. 

11 


THE    LOAFER. 

The  loafer  iz  a  thing  who  iz  willing  to  be  dispized  for 
the  privilege  ov  abusing  others.  He  occupys  all  grades 
in  sosiety  from  the  judge  on  the  bench  clear  down  to  the 
ragged  kritter  who  leans  aginst  the  lamp  posts,  and  fites 
flies  in  August.  He  haz  no  pride  that  iz  worthy,  and 
no  delikasy  that  enny  boddy  kan  hurt.  During  his  boy- 
hood he  kills  kats,  and  robs  all  the  hens  nests  in  the 
naborhood.  During  hiz  middle  life  he  begs  all  the  to- 
bacco he  uses,  and  drinks  all  the  cheap  whiskey  he  kan  at 
sumboddy  else's  expense.  During  hiz  old  age  he  winters 
in  the  alms  houses,  and  summers  in  the  sugar  hogsheds, 
and  when  he  cums  to  die,  he  iz  buried  in  a  dich,  like  an 
omnibuss  horse,  with  hiz  old  shuze  on.  The  loafer 
cares  nothing  for  publik  opinyun,  and  this  alone,  will 
make  enny  man  a  loafer.  The  loafer  rather  covets  dis- 
grase,  and  when  a  man  gits  az  low  down  az  this,  he  haz 
got  az  low  down  az  he  kan  git  in  this  world  without 
digging.  We  hav  no  reliable  ackount  ov  the  fust  loafer, 
and  probably  shant  hav  ov  the  last  one,  but  in  mi  opin- 
yun, they  hav  existed  just  about  az  long  az  man  haz. 
If  Cain  want  a  loafer,  pray  what  waz  he  ? 


TIT    BITS. 

Woman  hav  allwuss  been  more  than  a  match  for  man, 
Adam  held  the  best  kards,  but  he  didn't  kno  how  to  play 
them  well. 


Thare  iz  one  trait  ov  the  human  karakter  that  the 
devil  himself  must  envy,  and  that  iz,  the  more  we  hav 
injured  a  man,  the  more  we  dispize  him. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1877. 


1° 

6> 


Long,  lank,  lean,  and  lemon  colored, 
An  orphan,  without  friends,  or  place, 

A  target  for  every  ones  brik  bat, 
The  yaller  dog  runs  a  dusty  race. 


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Items. 


%  Pensive  showers 
0  April  Phool  SI 
begot  896  S3  fi 
:-:  ~  more  wetness 

•  Babes  in  the  A 
woods  SO©  lost 
1 122  (f)  wind  Q) 
\  south   <§  now  the 

*  £>  frogs  squeal 
O  sum  more  Q  % 
wetness  (f)  now  1^ 
ft  investigate  ft  for 
hens  eggs  j^P"  a  f 
%  $  kloudless  day  \ 

Peter  Bacon  died 
1492  -H-  ©  cool  but 
3€  pretty  ©  Peter  n 
^r  V3  Bacon  had  no 
mother  (J)  in  law 
wind  veers  northy  0 
"$?  $  now  the  gentle 
~  kokroach  ^  bj 
cometh  f  sum  more 
©  wet  O  Amos  © 
$  #  Bostwick  born 
©1827  *3fe  hard  n 
showers  ©  Amos  $ 
Bostwick  d>  had  but 

8  /a  n  one  eye  £, 


BIRDLINGS. 


One  of  the  most  diskourageing 
features  ov  modern  civilizashun, 
iz  the  average  kuntry  hotel. 


Mankind  luv  to  be  cheated, 
but  they  want  to  hav  it  dun  bi 
an  artist. 


The  most  kritikal  people  to 
suit,  are  thoze  who  board  at  the 
alms  houses. 


Thare  may  be  sutch  a  thing  az 
a  man  who  haz  stole  once,  and 
then  quit,  but  i  hav  not  the 
honor  ov  hiz  acquaintanse. 

13 


ARTIKLES    OV    FAITH. 

Heaven  bless  the  stummuk  ake,  if  it  want  for  this, 
menny  ov  us  deakons  wouldn't  hav  no  good  excuse 
for  hot  rum. 


The  saddest  ov  all  sights  sad  in  this  world,  iz  a  child 
with  a  broken  spirit. 


Man  kant  make  cirkumstanses,  but  he  kan  take  them 
bi  the  horns,  insted  ov  the  tale. 


Dont  parade  yure  sorrows  before  the  world,  but  bury 
them  az  the  dogs  do  their  old  bones,  and  then  growl  if 
enny  boddy  offers  to  dig  them  up. 


Klubs  are  a  place  whare  most  people  go  to  git  rid  ov 
themselfs. 

o 

A  trained  child  to  me  iz  a  kind  ov  horror,  i  like  to  see 
them  rekless  with  innosense. 


The  boy  who  iz  pikt  out  to  be  the  genius  ov  the  family 
is  allwuss  sure  to  be  the  biggest  dohed  in  the  whole  lot. 


14 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


<U     ) 


S* 


a- 


1877. 


► 
&£ 


Z/foz/  mew  el! — thou  art  mi  horror ',— 
Desaitfull,  and  dangerous  kritler,- 

Az  humbly  az  satan  himself y 
And  besides  a  pizon  hitter. 


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Butiful  ift  May  ± 
i&\  now  the  tss  tud 
murmers  3  %  soft 
showers  (  rfr  )  Kate 
Sturgiss  admitted  * 
1842  O  X  Kate 
Stuigis  $  was  a  3 
doktriss  g\  more  % 
hazy  ©  now  prepare 
6>  V  for  arly  lettiss 
#  rain  3  munny  iz 
tite  IS  brite  and  © 
>^klear  T^  Solaman 
A  $  had  wisdum 
klearing  weather  $ 
now  probe  *  for  0 
$  9^4  hoss  radish 
"i]  sum  more  f  O 
3  &  #  rainness  Q 
©  -a.  Jabez  Tucker 
$  obituated  ^  ^ 
1776  r-©— ,  a  3 
15?  iti .  ?  sweet  day 
Jabez  fit  £*  /a  & 
(-»-)  and  died  (-*-) 
ty  ^  into  the  A 
revolushun  <|>  T 
IT  V3  #  more  rain 
now  insert  S3  X 
3?  onion  seed  -©- 


SHADDOWS. 


After  a  man  has  reached  the 
hight  ov  hiz  ambishun  the  fust 
thing  he  duz,  iz  to  be  disgusted 
with  it. 


It  aint  safe  to  endorse  enny- 
body,  we  kant  even  tell  ourselfs 
what  kind  ov  a  man  we  shall 
be  on  the  25  th  day  of  next 
June. 


I  prefer  the  gravity  ov  the 
owl  to  the  loquacity  ov  the 
magpie,  it  iz  better  to  look 
wize,  than  to  talk  phoolish. 


The  cheapest  and  best  way  to 
convince  a  phool,  is  to  agree 
with  him. 


15 


SHORT    REPLYS. 

Dear  Luke, — I  kant  bear  to  see  enny  man  strike  a 
dog,  i  kno  dogs  are  full  ov  fleas,  but  i  kno  they  are  full 
ov  affeckshun  too.  I  am  very  sad  when  i  think  that 
affeckshun  iz  no  protekshun  to  man,  nor  kritter  in  this 
kold,  and  ironklad  world.  It  would  seem  that  a  lamb 
ought  to  git  along  thru  life  more  fluently  than  a  hornet 
duz,  but  they  duzzent,  and  i  also  notiss  that  the  most 
suckcessful  hornets  are  thoze  who  are  bilt  with  a  stinger 
on  both  ends  ov  them.  I  love  the  lambs,  but  respekt 
the  hornets. 

o 

Dear  Mose. — All  the  humorist  that  i  am  acquainted 
with  are  sad,  and  sober  kusses.  I  never  knu  a  fust  rate 
humorist  who  waz  a  good  laffer,  they  are  willing  to  make 
other  people  laff,  but  prefer  themselfs  to  stand  by  and 
look  on.  If  Mark  Twain  should  be  kaught  laffing,  hiz 
friends  would  immejately  put  him  to  bed  and  send  for 
hiz  family  physician.  Nasby,  the  grate  politikal  satirist, 
waz  never  known  to  smile  but  once,  and  then  he,  and 
Pogram,  were  in  the  bak  end  ov  the  grosery  at  the  cross- 
roads, but  the  cauze  ov  hiz  mirth  iz  a  profound  sekret  to 
this  day.  The  best  laffers  i  hav  ever  knu,  whare  thoze 
who  lafft  at  their  own  jokes. 


SPLINTERS. 

If  yu  are  determined  to  bet  enny  how,  bet  yure  bottom 
dollar  the  fust  time,  and  then  go  into  sum  more  respekt- 
able  bizzness. 


Thare  are  no  weeds  in  this  world  that  wilt  so  quick, 
az  the  weeds  ov  the  widower. 


16 


30  Days. 


.5P 


!Q? 


e«  PQ 


JUNE. 


1877. 


OS 


7%*  poodle  iz  a  frowzy  bird, 

A  hiding  place  for  fleas,  and  varmin, 

Wimmin  lug  them  round  for  pets, 

And  call  them  "  luv,"  and  "  duv,"  and  "charming." 


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Items. 


8  Luvly  moments 
0  wind  bammy  3 
June  bugs  are  A  O 
£  here  &  very  wet 
Patience  Burbanks 
O  t  run  tf  away  £? 
1840  |y  sun  hot  * 
#*  3  Patience  fled 
with  3  a  R  pedlar  @ 
©;  «©>  hot  showers 
^  the  +  violet  „,  haz  ^ 
Y3  cum  xHt  2  gentle 
softness  ©  prevails 
°p  now  3  jerk  & 
J;  lettiss  □  sum  \\ 
wet  :§:  ®  now  pik 
the  goose  O  more  A 
•  softness  6  $  fleas 
diskovered  1309  □ 
hotness  exists  ~  rfr 
expekt  pak  pedlars 
[Si  ""#  wind  rizes^T 
^  $  Sam  Brewster 
elekted  constable  O 
D  1865  0  sighns  ov 
drougth  (9  be  kind 
§  A  to  your  mother 
in  law  $  ±  very  hot 
-now-stik-in-beans 


POSTSKRIPTS. 


The  man  who  iz  eazily  in- 
fluenced and  yet  wont  be  ad- 
vised, iz  a  dredphull  hard  kritter 
to  steer. 


Necessity  iz  the  very  best  gift 
ov  heaven,  without  it  poor  human 
natur  would  only  be  a  herd  ov 
loafers. 


-coo- 


What  a  man  gits  for  nothing, 
he  iz  very  apt  to  value  at  just 
about  what  it  kost. 


Opportunitys  are  like  birds, 
they  will  slip  out  ov  yure  hands 
if  yu  giv  them  haff  a  chance. 

** 


THE    SPIDER. 

One  ov  the  most  ingenious,  and  hardest  workers  amung 
the  whole  lot  ov  little  bugs  in  kreashun  iz  the  common 
spider.  They  will  do  more  work  on  a  web,  in  six  hours, 
than  a  man  could  do  in  his  whole  life  time,  and  do  a 
mutch  better  job  into  the  bargin.  Spiders  are  the  mean- 
est reptiles  that  hang  around  the  footstool,  for  they  are 
the  only  ones  that  i  kan  think  ov  now,  that  set  traps  for 
their  viktims.  They  are  az  mean  az  a  man  in  this  re- 
spekt.  Thare  iz  no  fun  in  a  spider,  he  iz  az  lonesum  az 
a  mizer,  he  spends  hiz  whole  life  making  webs,  and 
watching  them,  and  allways  lays  at  the  mouth  ov  hiz 
hole,  reddy  to  back  in  out  ov  danger.  A  man  will  go 
out  ov  hiz  way  rather  than  step  on  a  kricket,  and  would 
rather  skare  a  fly  than  kill  him,  az  sazzy  az  he  iz,  but  he 
goes  for  a  spider  with  both  feet,  and  seems  to  feel  melan- 
kolly  if  he  happens  to  miss  him.  Spiders  hav  no  friends 
in  this  world,  and  the  reazon  must  be  bekauze  their 
naturs  are  viscious,  and  cunning.  Theze  two  traits  will 
make  even  man  an  outlaw,  and  they  akt  just  the  same 
way  on  the  spider.  I  dispize  the  spider,  and  aint  afraid 
to  tell  him  so. 


DREGS. 

Every  man  thinks  he  iz  the  principal  bull  frog  in  the 
puddle,  and  rather  than  argy  the  case,  i  am  willing  to 
think  so  too. 


Mizery  luvs  company  but  iz  allwuss  jealous, — there 
never  waz  a  man  yet  but  what  thought  hiz  lame  back 
was  a  good  deallamer  than  hiz  nabors. 


18 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


I 

a 


Full  of  cunning,  and  low  deceit. 

With  stolen  cream,  and  chickens  fat, 

Sweetly  in  dreams  he  lays  at  yure  feet, 
Judas  Iskariott,  in  shape  ov  a  hat. 


1877. 


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Items. 


T  Warm  hotness 
Gs  now  the  frog  £ 
sweats  (#)  thunder 
%  <jp  and  litening 
$  Amos  Jones  V3  ± 
SI  sloped  $  1839 
south  wind  #  © 
Amos  waz  a  wood- 
sawyer  0  more  hot 
£p  #  now  borrow 
^  umbrellers  $  X 
thunder  ^[  showers 
let  us  hav  ©  tfl> 
peace  •  inkreasing 
hotness  3  now  pik 
O  -H-  green  corn  n 
wind  southly  £? — 
Q  ±  virtew  iz  its 
!  own  reward  f  very 
dusty  9  now  inhale 
juleps  <$  □  hot  grows 
Mary  Walker  <f  r£l 
5)  born  (!)  1840 
kloudy  K  Mary  had 
©  a  little  ©  lam 
cooler  0  Job  waz 
rfo  <s*  a  pashunt  fi 
fellow  j£i  very  hot 
f  $  now  chew  3 
ice   3   ©    S°  s^ow 


VAPOR. 


The  man  who  gits  hiz  edu- 
kashun  from  the  daily  papers, 
if  he  happens  to  miss  one,  haz 
lost  all  he  iz  a  going  to  kno  for 
the  next  24  hours. 


The  hardest  man  to  convince 
in  an  argument  iz  the  one  who 
alwuss  sez  uyes"  to  everything 
yu  say. 


I  would  rather  a  boy  ov  mine 
would  be  haflf  full  ov  deviltry, 
than  chuck  full  gravity, — but  i 
haint  got  enny  boy  yu  know. 


The  road  to  *iin  iz  down  hill, 
and  McAdamized  at  that. 


*9 


THE    MILKSOP. 

The  milksop  iz  a  human  being  who  has  not  the  stamina 
ov  a  man,  nor  the  weakness  ov  a  woman.  He  iz  a  hibrid 
ov  the  nuter  gender,  without  karakter  enuff  to  make  him 
respekted,  or  dispized.  These  kind  ov  pholks  are  inno- 
sent  enuff  if  they  are  well  watched,  but  they  need  az 
mutch  watching  az  a  blind  baby  duz.  They  occupy 
quarters  about  harf  way  between  a  phool,  and  an  ideot. 
If  milksops  would  only  keep  still  but  few  would  suspekt 
them,  but  how  strange  it  iz,  that  the  thinner  a  man  iz, 
the  more  anxious  he  iz  to  get  into  a  strong  light. 


THE    MIZER. 

The  mizer  digs  hiz  heart  out  hollow  to  stow  away  hiz 
munny  in.  He  akumulates  bi  littles,  and  never  opens 
hiz  harte,  only  on  a  krak,  to  let  another  shilling  in.  An 
old  mizer  iz  a  sad  sight  enuff,  but  next  to  an  ideot,  a 
yung  mizer  iz  the  most  revolting  thing  on  earth.  Mizefs 
enjoy  what  they  dont  use,  looze  what  they  save,  and  die 
possessed  ov  the  only  treasure  that  iz  ov  no  use  to  them. 
The  most  terrible  sarkasm  iz  a  mizers  phuneral,  the  heir 
often  makes  it  gorgeous,  and  expensiv,  and  then  pitches 
hedlong  into  the  pile  the  old  phool  haz  left. 


CHALK    MARKS. 

Advice  iz  generally  like  the  bred  and  cheese  we  giv 
to  beggars,  thrown  over  into  the  fust  vacant  lot  they 
cum  to. 

O 

Bigots,  enthusiasts,  and  clothes  pins,  all  hav  the  same 
sized  heds  on  them. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST, 


1877. 


n"?  ~H 


Short  haired,  and  nervous  az  a  ghost, 

Answer i?ig  to  "Bill,"  or  "Ned"  or  "Fan," 

Death  on  rats,  and  sirloin  steak, 

Behold  the  sparkling,  Black  and  Tan. 


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Items. 


Fiery  hot  <g>  now 
^  the  kow  pants 
©3  thunder  with  If 
litening  -3  Bill  £? 
A  Q  Sprauge  died 
1500  O  more  hot  ! 
Bill  Sprauge  waz  9 
ft  a  fiddler  3  hotter 
Bill  fiddled  3  with  ! 
I^t  hiz  left  hand  O 
heavy  rain  !%  & 
©  sun  in  apogee  (D 
more  cool  0  now  1" 
-H-  keep  cool  V3  hot 
the  grasshopper  % 
-3  OF"  iz  a  burden 
SS  more  hot  8  U 
Moses  waz  a  TTJi  ^ 
~  meek  man  fi  hot 
wetness  $^  the  & 
rackcoon  iz  0  © 
O  a  kuss   =cs=   Sarah 

•  <f  Pettibone  born 
@  1846  5  red  hot  1 
Sarah  waz  kross  o 
eyed    £   i£i   still   « 

d  hotter  ^  $  in  the 
$    K    midst  ov   Q 

*  life  *  we  *  are  * 
3    in  death    §     0 


COQUETS. 


I  hav  seen  men  load  a  gun 
klean  up  to  the  muzzle  to  kill 
a  chipping  bird  with,  and  git 
knokt  hed  over  heels  when  the 
gun  went  off,  and  miss  the  bird 
besides. 


The  man  who  livs  the  life 
ov  a  toadey  iz  a  kind  ov  human 
spit  box. 


Yu  will  find  Aplenty  ov  folks 
who  are  red  hott  to  hunt  tigers 
and  wild  kats,  only  muzzle  the 
kussid  kritters,  and  put  them  10 
or  fifteen  miles  off. 


The  man  who  haz  got  nothing 
but  the  truth  to  tell  allwuss  uses 
the  fust  words  he  kan  lay  hiz 
hands  on. 

21 


LAZYNESS. 

Lazyness  seems  to  be  az  natral  az  onions,  and  just 
about  az  helthy  too.  The  lame,  and  the  lazy,  hav  allwuss 
been  provided  for,  sumboddy  haz  allwuss  waited  on  them, 
and  sumboddy  allwuss  will.  I  dont  luv  lazy  pholks,  i 
dont  even  respekt  them,  but  i  kant  help  but  admire  the 
way  they  eat.  I  never  knu  a  lazy  man  that  didn't  hav 
a  good  appetight  and  a  square  digestion.  Lazyness  iz 
the  fust  law  ov  natur,  and  for  that  reazon  is  entitled  to 
sum  respekt.  Lazy  folks  are  allwuss  good  natured,  i 
hav  seen  them  so  docile  that  they  wouldn't  fite  flies. 
Lazyness  iz  often  mistaken  for  shifflessness,  but  thare  iz 
az  much  diffren-ce  az  thare  iz  between  a  hornet,  and  a  fly. 
I  had  rather  watch  two  raskalls  than  one  shiffless  kuss. 
Thare  are  sum  things  that  will  hurry  lazyness,  but  death 
is  the  only  sure  kure  for  shifrlessnes. 


LAFFTER. 

Laffter  iz  the  joy  ov  the  soul  comeing  to  the  surface 
to  hav  a  good  time.  The  mule  kant  laff,  and  the  devil 
wont.  Laffing  iz  az  natral  az  the  meazles,  and  allmost 
as  ketching,  but  the  man  who  will  laff  when  he  dont  feel 
like  it,  iz  a  grate  koward  to  say  the  least,  and  may  be  a 
grate  villain.  4  Next  to  logick,  to  prove  things,  cums 
laffing,  and  the  hardest  man  for  ennyboddy,  or  enny  thing, 
to  beat,  iz  he  who  laffs  at  every  thing. 


GIMBLETS. 

I  hav  figgered  onto  it,  and  find  that  civilizashun  kosts 
about  90  cents  on  the  dollar. 

o 

One  quarrellsum  dog  will  demoralize  all  the  curs  in 
hiz  naborhood. 


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a 


SEPTEMBER. 


What  he  kant  steal  must  be  tied  down, 
Ever  reddy  to  caw,  and  to  go, 

Thare1  s  nothing  so  full  ov  the  devil, 
Az  the  life,  and  labors,  ov  a  tame  krow. 


1877. 


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Items. 


3  Delitesum  A 
fi  weather  ^  rain 
listen  to  the  TTJl  © 
©  mocking  bird  Q 
^  $  Pete  Brown 
$  waz  diskovered  g) 
1856*  Windy  *Pete 
waz  diskovered  V3 
©  stealing  chickens 

I  more  weather  | 
now  brile  quails  $ 
o  3  wind  easterly 
<J|  hope  deferred  f> 
maketh  *  the  *  harte 
!  sik  :|:  more  softness 
ft  *  Lucy  Smith  fl| 

married  1800  © 
$  ?  it  rains  <f  B 
<a  □  Lucy  married 
well  3  now  i&* 
8  bile  3  beans  • 
$  ~n  ©  more  mild 
d=j]  strike  while  0  n 
Q —  the  iron  — U 
iz  hot     ±    ®    cool 

but  3  pleasant 
10  mills  make  ~~  ^ 
one  cent  A  O  very 

8    slick  $  weather 


MISFITS. 


Thare  are  two  kinds  of  men 
that  fear  makes  phools  ov,  them 
who  are  afrade  of  nothing,  and 
them  who  are  afrade  of  every- 
thing. 


I  would  respekfully  say  to  all 
that  klass,  (lwho-  want  to  be  an 
angel/,  and  with  the  angels 
dwell"  pleaze  drop  that  noshun, 
and  go  at  summing  usefull,  if  the 
Lord  wants  enny  more  angels, 
he  will  let  yu  kno  in  due  time. 


Civil  war  iz  like  a  fite  in  the 
family,  it  seldum,  if  ever,  waz 
known  to  be  healed. 


If  thare  iz  no  hereafter,  kats 
and  dogs  are  better  off  than  we 
are. 


23 


THE    D  UK. 

The  duk  iz  a  foul,  naturalists  say  so,  and  common  sense 
teaches  it.  Wild  duks  are  very  good  shooting,  and  very 
good  missing  too,  unless  you  understand  the  bizzness. 
I  hav  shot  at  them  all  day,  and  got  nothing  but  a  few 
tale  feathers,  but  that  satisfied  me,  for  i  am  crazy  for  all 
kinds  ov  sport,  you  know.  Thare  are  sum  kind  ov  duks 
that  are  very  hard  to  git  even  if  you  do  kill  them.  I 
shot  one  whole  afternoon,  three  years  ago,  at  sum  dekoy 
duks,  and  never  got  one  ov  them.  I  never  hav  told  even 
mi  wife  ov  this,  and  hope  no  one  will  repeat  it. 


THE    SANDY    HILL     CRANE. 

The  crane  iz  neither  flesh,  nor  foul,  but  a  sad  mixtur 
ov  theze  two  things.  He  mopes  along  the  banks  ov 
kreeks,  and  wet  places,  looking  for  sumthing  he  haz  lost. 
He  haz  a  long  bill,  long  wings,  long  legs,  and  iz  long  all 
over.  He  livs  upon  lizzards,  and  frogs,  and  sleeps  stand- 
ing on  one  leg,  like  a  gide  board.  Sumtimes  he  tips 
over  in  hiz  dreams,  and  then  hiz  bill  enters  the  ground 
like  a  pikax.  When  he  flies  thru  the  air  he  iz  az  grace- 
phull  az  a  wind  mill  that  haz  broke  away  from  its  fasten- 
ings. Cranes  are  not  very  plenty  on  this  earth,  but  at  the 
last  quotations,  the  supply  just  about  equals  the  demand. 


BLOSSOMS. 

The  reputashun  that  a  man  gits  from  hiz  ansesstors 
often  wants  az  mutch  altering  to  fit  him,  az  their  old 
clothes  would. 

— o 

How  menny  people  thare  are  in  this  world  who  work 
for  the  devil  all  the  time,  and  then  look  to  the  lord  for 
their  pay. 


24 


■m 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1877. 


7%w  A^  Found  land  weighs  94  pounds, 
And  to  save  children  iz  willing, 

If  yu  haint  no  pond,  nor  children  to  save. 
The  dog  aint  worth  a  shilling. 


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Items. 


Bracing  weather  © 
now  squeeze    O  tf 
3     •     apples  for 
sider    SI   more  cool 
5  Q  Sam  Lewis  d 

?  died  d  1492  3 
frost  £?  &  Sam  "$ 
*  waz  *  a  *  hard  * 
©  shell  f"  Babtiss 
mutch  frost    3*     A 

fi     now  exkavate 

-  p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e  - 
II  3  kold  grows 
V  Solaman  ess  O 
<f  had  x  mutch  $ 
*^t  wives  »  ±  it 
hails  ©  D  haste 
makes  waste   ©   ~ 

—  nsnow  falls  n  — 
9  now  0  chew  • 

sassage  $  more 
9  ±  cool  j$i  Kate 
I*?  Savage  died  A 
1749  &  mutch  9 
£  frosty  -H-  Kate 
"xJT  5  had  a  pug  0 
nose  *  =£=  now  X 
Q  $  lift  turnips 
$  kolder  £  si 
ft    W  g°sl°    * 


IMPS. 


I  never  knu  a  man  to  brag  ov 
hiz  munny,  or  hiz  pedigree,  who 
had  enny  thing  else  worth  bragg- 
ing about. 


The  meekest  Moses  in  the 
whole  lot  iz  the  man  who  haz 
found  out  that  he  kant  git  the 
thing  he  wants  the  most. 


Thare  are  but  very  few  people 
in  this  world  who  hav  got  the 
nerve  to  be  allways  sassy  to  the 
devil. 


Before  a  vice  ov  enny  kind 
kan  bekum  very  dangerous  it 
haz  got  to  bekum  respektable. 

25 


AN    EPISTOL. 

Dear  Snyder, — Yu  tell  me  that  yu  hav  got  the  blues, 
and  want  to  kno  how  to  git  shut  of  them.  The  follow- 
ing resipees  will  heal  yu  in  90  days  if  yu  stik  to  them 
klussly.  To  wit,  marry  sum  delikate  only  dauter  of  22 
summers  (more  or  less)  and  take  yure  mother  in  law 
home  with  yu  to  board,  this  will  oil  the  pores  of  the 
sistem,  and  the  blues  will  eskape  like  steam  out  of  the 
noze  of  a  tea  kittle.  Once  more,  hire  out  to  keep  a 
distrikt  skool  for  9  dollars  per  month,  and  hash  around 
the  naborhood,  or  take  a  3  year  old  kiking  heifer  to 
brake  to  milk,  this  will  open  yure  swareing  valves,  and 
so  hurry  the  blood,  that  the  blues  will  leave  yu  in  disgust, 
and  fasten  their  fangs  on  to  sum  other  phellow.  Againly, 
go  down  into  sum  marsh  in  the  kingdum  ov  Nu  Jersey 
fishing  for  frogs  in  the  month  ov  August,  and  fish  with 
one  hand,  and  slap  muskeeters  with  the  other,  and  the 
blues  will  take  the  hint  and  vacate  yure  natur  like  a 
shooting-star.  Try  either  ov  the  abuv  alteratives,  dear 
Snyder,  and  if  they  dont  work,  go  into  the  bak  yard  of 
sum  Irish  woman  and  kut  her  clothes  line  when  it  iz 
filled  with  the  weeks  washing,  and  if  yu  dont  git  the 
blues  taken  out  ov  yu,  and  a  good  deal  else  besides,  yu 
are  a  morbid  kuss  and  wont  pay  for  experimenting  on. 


B  UBBLES. 

Hero's  are  skarse,  but  the  man  who  kan  make  poveity 
respektable,  is  one  ov  them. 


If  yu  would  eskape  envy,  abuse,  and  taxes,  yu  must 
liv  in  a  deep  well,  and  only  cum  out  in  the  nite  time. 


26 


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NOVEMBER. 


1877. 


h3 


<U    r» 


^ 


CS 

3 


The  Rackcoon  haz  a  striped  tail. 
And  steals  green  korn  amazing, 

Hiz  hide  iz  worth  6  bits  perhaps, 
But  coons  wont  pay  for  raizing. 


pi  o 
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Items. 


^  Sloppy  times  $ 
now  the  pig  $  & 
£  yells  >fc  more 
□  kold  :|:  Warren  O 
Davis  failed  0  n 
#  mutch  weather 
}  $  Warren  Q  ^ 
Davis  >fc  failed  =£= 
&  *&  in  the  pea 
^«  nutt  trade  ^ 
wet  sloppines  (£y 
iS\  O  Judas  waz  a 
A/3  ded  beat  c_  • 
lijnjkjrjejajsjijnig! 
9  weather  A  expekt 

O  pak  pedlars  B 
^  more  5  kold  rfr 
a  stich  in  {  © 
ft  0  time  saves  2{ 
A  nine  ^JFJJ  snow 
$  storm  ~  Mag  -3 
Birch  *  died  *  1826 
0     K     hi  winds  J 

Mag  want  ±  ^ 
l^j  <f  a  suckcess  K 
O  sour  fi  kold  Q) 
Ben  Franklin  £j  Q 

*&     flu   a     *a 
$    kite    If    V3    ± 


MAKE    WEIGHTS. 


Mankind  are  a  race  ov  co- 
quets, even  virtew  herself  luvs 
once  in  a  while  to  flirt  with  the 
devil. 


Luvers  will  manage  to  liv  on 
luv  for  a  very  long  time,  with  an 
ockashional  chance  at  beefstake 
and  onions. 


Biographys  are  delitesum  read- 
ing, we  kompare  all  the  virtews 
ov  the  persons  karakter  with  our 
own,  and  all  hiz  failings  with  our 
nabors. 


I  know  numbers  who  owe 
mutch  ov  their  virtew  to  their 
ekonemy,  they  are  too  stingy  to 
pay  the  market  price  ov  iniquity. 

27 


THE     OWL. 

The  owl  iz  a  grizzly  grey  package,  and  haz  a  grate 
round  face  az  sober,  and  intelligent  az  a  Cheshire  cheese. 
They  kant  see  bi  dalite,  but  can  see  by  starlite  to  pik  up 
a  pin.  They  hunt  for  a  living,  and  are  very  smart,  and 
sudden,  on  a  field  mouse,  or  a  meddo  mole.  The  most 
wonderphull  thing  about  an  owl  iz  the  solium  impor- 
tanse  ov  the  whole  kritter,  az  he  sits  on  hiz  perch,  looking 
over  kreashun,  just  az  tho  he  owned  the  whole  ov  it. 
Next  to  a  newly  elekted  Justiss  ov  the  Peace,  seated  on 
hiz  throne,  with  a  poor  devil  before  him.  charged  with 
the  emoshional  krime  ov  stealing  a  string  ov  onions,  the 
owl  haz  more  rare,  and  unfathomable  wisdum  in  hiz 
face  than  enny  thing  on  earth.  I  hav  looked  at  them 
for  haff  an  hour  stiddy,  in  a  shop  window,  to  see  if  they 
winkt,  untill  i  waz  ashamed  ov  mi  impudense,  but  theze 
owls,  i  found  out  afterwards,  waz  stuffed.  I  would  thank 
enny  one  to  tell  me  if  an  owl  ever  duz  wink,  and  if  so, 
how  often.  Owls  liv  to  a  good  old  age,  but  are  not  good 
for  diet,  they  are  one  ov  the  fu  things  we  kno  ov,  that  the 
more  yu  bile  them,  the  tuffer  they  gro.  Biled  owl  iz  the 
most  ungratefull  vittles  that  enny  man  ever  sot  in  front 
ov.  I  never  et  enny  biled  owl  but  once,  and  that  waz 
40  years  ago,  and  i  kan  taste  it  now,  every  time  i 
think  ov  it. 

REMNANTS. 

I  kno  ov  people  so  fond  ov  contradickshun  that  it 
wouldn't  surprize  me  to  hear  them  disputing  with  a 
guide  board,  at  the  forks  ov  sum  kuntry  road,  about  the 
distance  to  the  next  town. 


Falling  in  luv  iz  like  falling  down  stairs,  we  never  kan 
tell  exackly  how  the  thing  waz  did. 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1877. 


15 


7  2* 
IB 


llll11111"" 

I  1 

III 

^p^^^^^S?" 

-^z  /*#/*  /»  jfef/fc  «0  a  grid  iron, 
Solium  he  sits,  the  old  Fox  hound, 

Hiz  ears  hang  down  like  wet  rags, 
And  hiz  keen  noze  studdys  the  ground. 


mB 


ji§' 


3 

3 

I 

s 

2 

G 

3 

M 

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T 

5 

W 

6 

T 

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ii 

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24 

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27 

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28 

F 

29 

S 

30 

G 

3i 

M 

Items. 


Raw  $  kold  fi 
^  now  jam  fires 
more   r£i    rawy    =£= 

Peter  denied  hiz 

#  master  3  kold 
II  grows  O  Dick  0 
G\  £  Blister  died 
-H-  1839  %  more  A 
inklement    O   Dick 

\  Blister  *  waz  *  a 
O  konfidence  man 
3  dredphul  koldy© 

"5  now  dig  A 
ice  6  it  snows  fi 
rfr  24  munny  *  & 
iz  power  TTJ1  wind 
3  0  □  nor  east 
Jackson  waz  a  ¥  $ 
±  dimokrat  £  big 
0  snow  **  in  time 
Pff"  ^  ov  peace  ~ 
prepare  V3  for  @ 
1^    ^    war    0    # 

#  intense  $  kold 
§  Molly  Bristow  $ 
born  »  1840  Q 
C  kolder  =£=  Molly 

#  waz  *  a  *  shop  6 
$  lifter  ^  Good  Q 
-H-:  Bye  everyboddy 


FROST   WORJ?. 


It  ought  to  be  a  fair  trade  to 
swop  religions,  but  whare  will 
yu  find  the.  christian  party  that 
iz  willing  to  do  it. 


I  find  it  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier 
for  mi  philosophy  to  ackount 
for  original  sin,  than  for  an 
attack  ov  the  jumping  tooth  ake. 


Temptashuns  iz  what  tries  a 
mans  moral  grip,  Adam  and 
Eve  were  very  good  plums  untill 
the  devil  shook  their  bush,  then 
they  let  go  their  holt  immijiately. 


Marrid  life  iz  too  often  a  mere 
trial  ov  enduranse. 

29 


THE    MUSKEETER. 

Muskeeters  are  a  game  bug,  but  they  wont  bite  at  a 
hook.  Thare  iz  millyuns  ov  them  kaught  every  year, 
but  not  with  a  hook,  this  makes  the  market  for  them 
unstiddy,  the  supply  allways  exceeding  the  demand. 
The  muskeeto  iz  born  on  the  sly,  and  cums  to  maturity 
quicker  than  enny  other  ov  the  domestik  animiles.  A 
muskeeter  at  3  hours  old  iz  just  az  reddy,  and  anxious? 
to  go  into  bizzness  for  himself,  az  ever  he  iz,  and  bites  the 
fust  time  az  sharp,  and  natral,  az  red  pepper  duz.  The 
muskeeter  haz  a  good  ear  for  musik,  and  sings  without 
notes.  The  song  ov  the  musketo  iz  monotonous  to  sum 
folks,,  but  in  me  it  stirs  up  the  memorys  ov  other  days. 
I  hav  lade  awake,  all  nite  long,  menny  a  time  and 
listened  to  the  sweet  anthems  ov  the  muskeeter.  I  am 
satisfied  that  thare  want  nothing  made  in  vain,  but  i  kant 
help  thinking  how  mighty  kluss  the  musketoze  kum  to 
it.  The  muskeeter  haz  inhabited  this  world  since  its 
kreashun,  and  will  probably  hang  around  here  until 
bizzness  closes.  Whare  the  muskeeter  goes  to  in  the 
winter  iz  a  standing  konumdrum,  which  all  the  natura- 
lists hav  giv  up,  but  we  kno  he  dont  go  far,  for  he  iz  on 
hand  early  each  year  with  hiz  probe  fresh  ground,  and 
polished.  Muskeeters  must  be  one  ov  the  luxiirys  ov  life, 
they  certainly  aint  one  ov  the  necessarys,  not  if  we 
kno  ourselfs. 


SNOW   BALLS. 

Thare  iz  a  time  for  all  things,  and  the  best  time  to 
hold  our  tungs,  iz  when  we  feel  az  tho  we  had  the  most 
to  say. 

o 

The  man  who  gambles,  or  drinks  whiskey,  kant 
chooze  hiz  assoshiates. 


30 


0\r    /lis   ryto  s  r  iwV/Ct^  £l 
a.  /A-c^-tA.  y-&X^   /x^C^A.  ^v,-r- 


JOHN  STEPHENSON  COMPANY, 

(LIMITED,) 

NEW   YORK. 

TRAMWAY  CARS, 

LIGHT,  ELEGANT,  DURABLE. 


Every  Description.      Best  Materials.      Minimum  Prices. 


Orders  quickly  filled.     Careful  attention  to  shipments.    All  climates 

suited. 


16 


fats  a^-<//^yt^^^r'ru^^^  «^ 

fiat's    -yve^*- /Tuesr . ** 

^  £<h#W^  fat?,  So5/x/?^^ips 


TYSON'S 
Theatre  Ticket  Offices  : 

FIFTH  AVENUE,  GILSEY, 

WINDSOR,  FARE    AVENUE, 

HOTELS, 

NEW    YORK    CITY. 


Choice-  Seats  for  all  Theatres  and  Operas. 


17 


u  Man  iz  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made." 
This  iz  Darwin's  opinyun  too. 


Arms. 


Heart,. 
$ 

Reins. 


Thighs. 
O 

Legs. 


Head  and  Face. 

If 

Y"*" 

—-  ^SL 

F^^%^w 

%\ — 

•■ 

'  A'K^By^^^/^^^ 

A 

I  te&CM  1~^ 

ys 

K 

>^w 

Neck: 
Breast. 
Bowels. 
Secrets. 


Knees, 


/^/.      2B 


^     SUGGESTION. 

When  an  old  phello  marriz  a  yung  wife, 
he  gennerally  haz  taken  a  kontrakt  he  kant 
phill. 


QUESTIONS,  AND  ANSWERS. 

Q. — When  iz  the  right  time  to  marry? 

A. — Enny  whare  between  21,  and  ninety-four  years. 

Q.— What  iz  a  woman's  chief  joy  in  this  world? 
A. — Her  own  or  sumboddy  else's  baby. 

Q. — Which   iz   the  most  diffident,  and  humbel   kritter 

amung  the  animals  ? 
A. — A  bob  tailed  kat,  probberbly. 

Q. — How  menny  yards  ov  5  dollar  silk  duz  it  take  to 

make  a  dress. 
A. — I  dont  kno,  but  it  allwuss  takes  2  yards  and  a  haff 

more  than  yu  buy  the  fust  time. 

Q. — What  do  mankind  gennerally  take  the  most  pride  in? 
A . — In  summing  their  nabors  haint  got,  nor  kant  git. 

Q. — What  two  persons  in  the  whole  congregashun,  need 

the  clusset  watching  ? 
A. — A  praying  pollytisian,  and  an  offishus  deakon. 

Q. — How  iz  the  best  way  to  git  rid  ov  kokroaches  ? 
A. — Sell  out  yure  house,  and  lot,  and  jine  the  gipseys. 

Q. — What  cums  the  nearest  to  makeing  a  woman  sware? 
A. — To  hav  her  clothes  line  brake  when  it  iz  full  ov  a 

Monday's  washing. 
Q. — Which  iz  the  two  most  thankless  jobs  in  this  world  ? 
A. — To  keep  skool,  and  be  an  undertaker. 

Q. — How  do  yu  define  experience  ? 
A. — Experience  iz  the  science  ov  finding  out  how  deep 
a  mill  pond  iz,  by  wading  into  it,  and  drowning. 

DOUBLETS. 
I  kant  help  but  respekt  the  heathen,   they  hav  made 
az  good  a  showing  on  their  kapital,  az  the  christians  hav. 


Next  to  the  mother  in  law,  cums  the  Grandmother, 
to  regulate  the  cook,  the  kat,  and  the  baby. 


TRIALS  AND  PERSEKUSHUNS   OV  AN 
A  UTHOR. 

Josh  Billings'  "Farmer's  Allminax  "  for  the  year  1878 
is  now  on  our  desk,  and  why  will  the  friends  of  this  man 
allow  him  to  disgrace  himself,  and  humanity  too,  by 
spreading  such  nonsense  broadcast  through  the  land? 

St.  Louis  Advance. 


Vile  trash  !  when  are  we  to  be  released  from  this 
annual  overflow,  this  ideotick  Allminac?  Kind  heaven, 
tell  us  when. 

Milwaukee  Daily  Bread. 


Over  Ninety  Thousand  of  Josh  Billings'  "Farmer's 
Allminax"  are  sold  each  year.  How  long  iz  this  to 
continue  ?  Will  not  the  publick  arise  in  their  insulted 
dignity,  and  drive  this  pest  from  the  world  ? 


Boston  Pilgrim. 


Shoot  him  !  shoot  the  "Allminax"  maker. 

Arkansas  Bo7i>ie  Knife. 


Alass  !  alass  !  is  there  no  eskape,  is  thare  no  place  in 
the  wide  world  that  we  can  fly  to,  and  be  free  from  this 
sickening  visit — this  yearly  avalanche  ?  A  curse  on 
"  Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax." 

Chicago  Budget. 


REMARKS, 

Three  kard  monte  iz  a  game  ov  chance,  the  chance  iz, 
that  yu  will  git  badly  beat,  unless  yu  play  it  alone. 
When  thare  iz  2  plays  the  game,  sumbody  iz  bound  to 
git  hurt.  Girls  are  a  more  risky  crop  to  raize  than 
boys,  if  a  boy  makes  a  bad  blunder,  he  kan  wipe  out 
the  slate  once,  or  even  twice,  and  begin  again,  but  a  girl 
kant.  I  kant  tell  who  old  Probabilitiz  iz,  but  he  iz  a 
smart  kuss,  aint  he  ?  Whiskee  iz  one  ov  the  tonicks, 
i  think,  but  i  aint  sure,  i  kno  it  iz  one  ov  the  tanglelegs, 
for  I  hav  seen  it  tried  often.  Yu  kan  sell  a  fast  horse 
in  Nu  York  at  yure  own  price,  provided  he  iz  fast 
enuff.  But  dont  bring  enny  3  minnitt  kattle  to  Nu 
York,  the  ice  kream,  and  the  milk  men,  drive  faster 
than  that.  Our  old  fellows,  in  Nu  York,  menny  ov 
them  who  hav  seen  70  years,  when  they  go  out  onto  the 
hard  roads,  dont  take  enny  but  2.25  dust.  Speaking 
ov  kats  mi  opinyun  remains  unchanged,  they  are  az  full 
ov  flaws,  az  a  March  wind  iz.  Yu  kan  make  a  lawyer, 
or  a  minister  ov  your  son,  either  ov  them  are  decent 
callings  enufT,  but  neither  ov  them  will  make  him 
respektabel,  unless  they  are  well  filled.  Nuzepaper 
hacks  are  harder  workt,  and  poorer  fed,  than  livery 
stable  horses.  Authors,  and  skribblers,  az  a  klass,  are 
a  self  konsaited,  and  seedy  set,  and  I  believe  a  literary 
man,  when  he  gits  poor,  and  shiny,  iz  the  poorest 
looking  kritter  on  the  footstool. 

LINT. 

No  atheist,  with  all  hiz  boasted  bravery,  haz  ever 
dared  to  advertize  his  beleaf,  on  hiz  tomb  stun. 


A  baby  iz  a  necessity,  but  twins  allwuss  did  seem  to 
me,  to  be  ov  a  spekulative  natur. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1878. 


The  yung  Trotter  at  first \ 
Az  he  stands  bi  hiz  dam, 

Iz  all  legs  like  a  shanghi, 
And  az  meek  az  a  lam. 


o 

? 

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Brevitys. 


i^tx  Now  prospekt 
for  fl^°  ice  .Jgfl 
sighns  ov  kold  71^ 
3  the  bumble  bee 
iz  still  [?]  very  *^t 
kold  S  Pete  Hyer 
12  perished  1814  TT£ 
n  more  ^  kolder 
\Pet  m  choked/ 
=0=  to  deth  <  big 
— :  snouness  :— 
Pete  Hyer  |  waz  "f 
1  hung  A  fine  $*&% 
O  sleighing  £?  raw- 
but  S2  kold  ^*  now 
3  puntch  =0=  fires 
<  more  T  snow  > 
hooping  TTJJ  S  cough 
invented  !  =  ?  1206 
more  □  rauness 
now  ()  pay  (!)  yure 
c_tax_u  snow  4  \ 
feet  deep  -fr  Jane  ~ 
-:  Barker  ¥  fell  :- 
1832  (oq)  more  fgt 
K kolder  !'  Jane^J 
&  Barker  S  fell  V 
(fl^p'down  cellar  ( !) 
□  now  Tf  krak  o 
>buttnu  1 1  s.< 


BRILLIANTS. 


I  allwuss  think  that  it  iz  good 
taste,  and  pretty  good  religion 
too,  when  a  man  prays  for  the 
sins  ov  the  people,  to  count 
himself  in.  , 


Wimmin  dont  like  to  be  loved 
too  mutch,  and  i  rejoice  in  their 
spunk. 


Heathens,  poor  benighted  krit- 
ters,  dont  indulge  in  horse  trotts, 
nor  law  suits  neither. 


If  you  hav  enny  doubt  about 
the  propriety  ov  a  thing,  you 
may  be  pretty  certain  that  the 
doubt  iz  right. 


7 


THE  CUCKOO,  AND  THE  JACKDAW. 
The  cuckoo  iz  about  the  size  ov  four  small  robins, 
and  iz  one  ov  the  fust  birds  to  tell  us  that  spring  haz 
fairly  cum.  This  iz  kind  in  the  cuckoo,  and  they 
ought  to  hav  a  vote  ov  thanks,  and  a  gold  medal  besides. 
Their  song  iz  a  good  deal  like  the  song  ov  a  tin  whissell, 
all  in  one  key,  but  enny  kind  ov  a  song,  from  enny 
living  kreature,  iz  acceptable.  These  birds  hav  one 
spot  in  their  naturs  entirely  diffrent  from  enny  animate 
thing  I  kno  ov,  they  dont  seem  to  possess  the  least 
particle  ov  affeckshun  for  their  little  cuckoos.  They 
never  bild  enny  nests,  but  lay  their  eggs  in  other  birds 
nests,  and  let  them  do  the  hatching.  This  would  be 
called  smart  in  a  man,  but  seems  to  me,  iz  darn  mean 
in  a  bird.     I  wonder  whare  they  lernt  this  trick. 

THE  J  A  CKDA  W. 

The  jackdaw,  like  the  raven,  iz  born  ov  blak  parents, 
and  iz  about  one  quarter  the  size  ov  the  common  krow. 
Their  food  seems  to  konsist  ov  enny  thing,  and  their 
appetights  are  az  klamarous  az  a  distrikt  skool  just  let 
out  to  play,  at  lunch  time.  They  lay  two  eggs,  and 
both  eggs  would  probberly  hatch  out  if  they  waz  solid, 
for  the  Jackdaw  iz  bound  to  liv,  and  prosper.  They 
luv  man,  and  his  ways,  and  are  allwuss  found  az  kluss 
to  him  az  they  kan  git. 

CHIPS. 

The  best  relief  for  the  rumatiz,  that  haz  been  diskov- 
ered  yet,  iz  to  find  sum  phellow  who  haz  got  the  gout 
bad,  and  then  pitty  him. 

o 

About  the  time  a  man  haz  got  old  enufF  to  travel  a 
good  gait  on  hiz  experience,  death  taps  him  on  the 
shoulder,  and  wants  him  just  around  the  corner. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1878. 


But  he  grows  like  a  weed^ 
'  Till  he  iz  four  years  old, 

He  iz  hi  headed,  and  rangey, 
Flat-footed,  and  bold. 


(!) 

F 

i 

2 

S 

3 

G 

4 

M 

5 

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6 

W 

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27 

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28 

T 

Brevitys. 


v^&t  Kold  ::  more 
so  dC&  now  thrash  ¥ 
beans  ftfc  vei7  ^ 
kolder  >  Betsey  — : 
Mitchell  E  born  3 
1842  (&y  kold  -i- 
continues  K  /Betsey 
Mitchell  -:  had  -h- 
a  &JT"  cork  leg  < 

I J  kolder  ||  still  f 
*^t  now  smite  Q) 
wood  ocwind  west  § 
Hank  Brewster  :: 
died  1796  c~  snow 
N  falls  £  Hank  N 
Brewster  §  died  a  [\ 

Z  lazyness  \  kold  02 
waxes  §  now  the  f 
hornet  izhushg  sum 
more  snow  *  whiske 
iz  a  tonick=  very  ^f 
kold: -now  pla  kards 
it  thaws  $  Lazarus 
died  poor  \m  sighns 
ov  snow  en  now  ^ 
renew  notes ::  more 
snowokeep   calm. 


BA  UBLES. 


About  the  hardest  condishun 
ov  life  to  sustain,  iz  one  ov  re 
spektable  poverty. 


Thare  are  folks  who  kant  bear 
to  do  enny  thing  unless  thare  iz  a 
commishun  in  it,  if  they  subskribe 
a  thousand  dollars  for  bilding  a 
church,  they  want  10  per  cent  off 
for  cash. 


The  man  who  kant  find  enny 
thing  to  do,  gennerally  hunts  with 
grate  caushun. 


Buty  has  won  menny  a  viktory 
but  seldum  has  suckceeded  in 
keeping  it  long. 


K. 

Kontentment  iz  not  one  ov  mi  strong  holts,  i  never 
am  kontented  unless  i  am  fast  asleep.  If  i  could  hav 
mi  choice,  to  be  thoroly  kontented  with  things  az  i  find 
them  in  this  world,  or  be  a  Rockaway  klam,  i  would  be 
the  klam. 

Z. 

Luv  iz  a  game  for  young  folks  to  pla  at,  but  when  a 
man  gits  az  old,  and  az  homely  az  i  am,  and  takes  a 
hand  at  it,  he  iz  sure  to  git  ukered.  If  ten  waz  the 
game,  Cupid  could  giv  an  old  phellow  seven  points,  and 
then  beat  him  badly. 

M. 

Milk  Puntch  iz  a  fluid  that  i  do  luv  extrornary  well, 
and  aint  ashamed  to  oun  it.  But  whether  it  iz  the  milk 
in  it,  or  the  puntch  in  it,  that  suits  me  so  well,  i  aint 
obliged  to  tell.  Human  natur  iz  weak  yu  kno,  and 
needs  a  little  puntching  up,  in  a  hot  day. 

N. 

Nonsense  iz  one  ov  mi  prinsipal  weaknesses,  i  luv  it 
in  any  shape,  but  az  quails  on  toast  improve  the  quails, 
and  dont  hurt  the  toast,  so  i  prefer  to  hav  mi  nonsense 
bilt  on  sense.  Good  nonsense  iz  one  ov  the  rarest 
artikles  in  the  literary  bazaar,  and  allwuss  commands 
admirashun,  and  fetches  a  good  price. 

SQUIBS. 

Human  beings  are  natral  slovens,  yu  hav  got  to  hold 
a  yung  one  tight  to  wash  hiz  face  the  fust  time,  and  to 
comb  hiz  hair,  yu  hav  acktually  got  to  run  him  down. 


The  man  who  haint  never  bin  cheated,  dont  kno  so 
mutch  az  he  will  sum  day  before  long  perhaps. 


10 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1878. 


yg 

J^G^v  ^y^ 

///\ 

^>K    j&^S^l 

fv'  A'       v** 

2r/fM 

-^^'7 

%mW 

». s 

«•»,*——" 

^v 

J&ts  ^5^ 

Then  he  iz  hamesst,  and  broke, 

A  hard  task  indeed, 
And  handled  quite  gently, 

To  draw  out  his  speed. 


£l 

V3 

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2S 

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Brevitys . 


£7  Windy  :— now 
hunt  for  f$j  maple 
sugar  go  :—  mutch  3 
-H-wind  ©  Jabez  x 
Brown  $^*  run  S 
away  O  1840:—  it 
trains  — :  Jabez  O 
*$£i  run  £?  away 
with  (^)  Suzan  TH, 
3  Fletcter  +  now 

>  the    frog     ftta 

HT-  !  yells !  *££) 

(Qwindy  n  some  3 
haste  fit*  makes  $ 
gy  waste  (  !  )  rain 
$^1  and  o  wind 
(£  now  ==  fri  *^t 
nutcakes  fg*  sum  * 
i—more  -k-  wind  =; 
f  Joel  f  Sprauge  f 
0  mar  rid  1400  > 
wind  A  nor  west  < 
now  H  murder  -h- 
S  kats  £2  more 
::  wind  gq  buty 
1^  for  /  ashes  < 
4- wind  *  howleth :: 
E  sow  £r  peas  ^ 
g    more  <s\  windQ) 

>  go    s  slow  *^, 


BAGATELLES. 


An  illustrious  pedigree  iz  a 
risky  possesshun,  the  world  wont 
kompare  you  with  yure  peers,  nor 
with  yureself,  but  are  all  the  time 
striking  a  ballance  between  you, 
and  yure  ded  grandfather 


A  ded  beat  yl  a  natural  born 
hipokrit,  he  haz  kapasity  enuff  to 
make  him  respektable,  but  the 
devil  holds  a  fust  mortgage  on 
it. 


A  careless  man  in  a  family  iz 
simply  a  noosance,  but  a  sluttish 
woman  iz  wuss  than  a  blister. 


I  hav  finally  got  to  that 
point  whare  I  aint  very  posative 
ov  what  other  people  kno,  and 
aint  at  all  certain  ov  what  I  kno 
miself. 


THE  CENTAUR. 

The  centaur  iz  not  an  Amerikan,  but  blooms  in  the  land 
far  away  to  the  eastward,  whare  th£  muskeeto  iz  unknown, 
and  whare  the  pensiv  kokroach  putteth  in  no  appearance. 
He  is  harT  horse,  and  haff  sum  other  phellow,  and  hunts 
for  fun,  and  sumthing  to  eat.  He  haz  got  a  hed  on  him 
like  Demostheneze  ov  old,  and  wears  hiz  hair  short  in 
front,  but  flooded  down  on  hiz  nek,  and  over  hiz  shoul- 
ders, like  a  growth  ov  yung  hop  vines,  in  a  hot  house. 
Hiz  instrument  iz  a  bo,  and  arro,  and  he  kan  assassinate 
the  stupendous  elephant  440  yards  distant,  or  pik  a  sin- 
gle feather  off  from  the  top  ov  a  humming  birds  hed  on 
the  fly.  The  centaur  allwuss  hunts  on  horsebak,  and 
leads  a  free  and  cheap  life.  When  in  the  ackt  ov  shoot- 
ing the  vast  elephant,  or  the  remorseless  tiger,  hiz  hed  iz 
thrown  finely  bak,  hiz  eye  gleams  like  a  lost  Jewell,  hiz 
hair  quivers  like  an  aspen  leaf,  courage  smiles  in  hiz  face, 
hiz  breast  grows  wider,  and  the  muscles  in  hiz  arm  hang 
down  like  hornets'  nests,  hiz  tale  whips  the  air,  and  hiz 
hooffs  ov  steel  ring  on  the  turf.  I  hav  et  plain  hash 
untill  i  am  tired  ov  it,  and  would  like  no  better  phun 
than  to  mount  a  centaur,  without  enny  bridle  on  him, 
and  with  a  mermaid  in  front  ov  me,  and  a  ghost  behind, 
take  a  free,  and  rekless  ride,  a  ride  ov  genius,  to  the 
ends  ov  the  earth.  But  I  suppoze  I  should  git  sik  ov 
this,  in  a  day,  or  two,  and  want  to  ride  sumthing  else. 


IMPS. 

Poverty  haz  been  called  safe,  but  poverty  even,  haz 
got  to  lock  up  its  mouldy  bread,  and  cheeze,  or  loze  it. 


Honesty  iz  the  rarerest  welth  enny  one  kan  possess, 
and  yet  all  the  honesty  in  the  world,  aint  lawful  tender 
for  a  loaf  ov  bread. 


m 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1878. 


When  he  reaches  six  years, 
He  iz  called  a  /till  horse, 

And  iz  thought  fit  to  trot, 
For  a  puss  on  the  course. 


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Brevitys. 


•  Soft  weather 
the  dandylion  |^i 
cometh  n~  warm 
rain  ::  now  the  to 
robin  =  skreameth 
v — sum — '  more  If 
softness  ^ Bill 
Baxter  IS?  sprained 
$  hiz  =  ankle  :: 
1836=  it  rains  O 
ITU  Venuss  waz  »^J 
^  the  (T)  goddess  12 
ovbutyN  bright  < 
day  K  \  now  chuck 
gs  in  ^^  onion  £ 
seed  X  7$  mfid  V3 
©  and  ©  pretty  £? 
•h-  Ben  Franklin  :: 
==  iz  ded  ::  mutch 
rain  =s  £  now  = 
&  fish  c~  for  |^t 
suckers  =  wind 
V3  southy  T^  by  J 
©  south  <  Bacchus 
waz  a  winebibber  J 
ur  soft  V3  rain  & 
en  Sam  J  Perkins > 
:— died  1813  ©  hot 
the  violet  iz  riere  !  ! 


REVOLVERS. 


He  who  haz  nothing  to  do  in 
this  world  but  to  amuze  himself, 
haz  got  the  hardest  job  on  hand  I 
kno  ov. 


Thare  iz  nothing  that  yu  and  I, 
make  so  menny  blunders  about, 
and  the  world  so  few,  az  the 
aktual  amount  ov  our  importance. 


The  fust  thing  a  man  duz  in 
the  morning,  iz  to  feel  for  hiz 
pocket-book,  and  the  fust  thing 
a  woman  duz,  iz  to  see  if  the 
looking  glass  iz  all  right. 


He  who  works  for  notoriety 
had  rather  be  insulted,  than  not 
be  notissed  at  all. 

13 


THE    AUCKSHIONEER. 

The  auckshioneer  iz  an  unfortunate  individual  who 
duz  other  peoples  lieing  for  10  dollars  a  day,  and  boards 
himself.  He  haz  got  az  mutch  jaw  az  a  wolf  trap,  and 
as  mutch  cheeck  az  a  10  year  old  mule.  He  takes  up 
the  profeshun  quite  often  on  the  same  principle  that  a 
horse  doktor  duz  hiz,  not  bekause  he  iz  fit  for  the  bizz- 
ness,  but  just  to  hav  one  in  the  naborhood.  His  gratest 
pride  iz  to  mingle  what  he  calls  humor  with  hiz  talk 
when  he  iz  on  the  block,  but  hiz  jokes  are  gennerally  az 
level  az  a  kold  slapjax.  He  iz  at  the  hight  ov  hiz  am- 
bishun  when  he  haz  worried  a  laff  out  ov  the  bistanders, 
and  uses  the  same  rhetorick,  and  similees,  when  he  sells 
out  a  line  ov  bank  securitys,  that  he  duz,  when  he  closes 
out  an  old  one-eyed  pelter,  under  a  chattell  mortgage, 
in  frunt  ov  the  kourt  house.  A  kuntry  auckshioneer, 
and  a  kuntry  horse  jockey,  are  two  wonderphull  cusses, 
in  the  rural  deestrikts.  I  hav  been  an  auckshioneer 
and  kno  what  i  am  talking  about. 

THE    OLD    MAID. 

The  old  maid  iz  the  last  gooseberry  left  on  the  bush, 
ded  ripe,  and  reddy  to  fall  off  at  the  fust  good  shake. 
She  iz  sumtimes  a  leetle  hard  to  suit,  but  iz  quite  often 
the  most  charming  relick  in  the  naborhood.  Next  to 
mothers  in  law,  old  maids  hav  been  abuzed  more  than 
enny  thing  human,  but  they  all  ov  them  hav  a  warm 
spot  in  their  hearts,  that  enny  decent  person  iz  welkum 
to  krawl  into,  and  sun  themselfs. 

BLISTERS. 

Too  mutch  attenshun  to  little  things  spiles  a  man  for 
bigger  ones,  I  kno  a  fellow  who  kan  make  a  fust  rate 
whissell  out  ov  a  pigs  tail,  and  this  iz  all  he  kan  do. 
o 

Wit,  in  a  woman,  kan  never  replace  the  want  ov  buty. 


14 


31  Days. 

MAY.                                 1878. 

Five  years  ov  fasst  work. 
He  iz  bunged  up,  and  done^ 

Knee  sprung,  and  spavined, 
Hiz  spirit  iz  gone. 

i 

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Brevitys. 

COBWEBS. 

X?  Butiful  May  ! 
air  ©  softly  a 
l^now  churn^JFS 
butter  — :   rainy  O 
©Mose  Sherman S| 
9$h  born     1792  ^ 
:—  wind  \  fitful  — : 
::  Mose  Sherman  % 
-f-  waz  a  tinker  ds] 
i*&x     soft  day     fgi 
now  bury  beans  % 
— :  warm  #*  rain= 
—  the  f  way  \  ov-h- 

*  the  transgressor  f 
iz  hard   o~  gentle  % 
weather  ©  vs*  now 
the   old  |$|  hen  -k- 
X    k  akl e  t  h   $ 
more  %*  weather* 
Juno  %  waz  t  tne  t 
J  wife  ov  Jupiter  £2 
l$£t   bright   and  <sn 
butiful     TTg.    now 

*  insert  i^t\  corn  J 
/a  Abram  North  ^ 
A  killed  ^1819  A 
pretty  day  *  Abram 
was    stung    to  *** 
dethness  bi  hornets 
allass  !  !     allass  !  !  ! 

The  happiest  people  a 
are  thoze  who  are  wor 
the  hardest,  and  fed  the 

fter  all, 
^ed   the 
best. 

hav  so 
mt  help 
dertake 

up  on 
e  a  jig. 

ine  dol- 
nd  then 
ill  sware 
t  of  it. 

ov  this 

saying 

t  saying 

Thare  iz  sum  men  who 
little  bakbone  that  you  k; 
them,  you  mite  as  well  un 
to  stand  an  angleworm 
end,  and  ask  him  to  danc 

If  you  give  a  beggar  n 
lars,  at  different  times,  a 
refuse  him  the  tenth,  he  w 
you  have  cheated  him  ou 

One  haff  the  trubbles 
life  kan  be  traced  to 
"  Yes"  too  quick,  and  no 
"No"  soon  enuff. 

15 

INDISKRIMINATE    HINTS. 

I  receaved  a  circular  yesterday  inviting  me  to  buy  a 
ticket  in  a  gift  distrubiting  skeme,  i  didn't  invest,  i  hav 
often  bougkt  into  theze  magnificent  chances,  and  all  that 
i  hav  ever  drawed  yet,  waz  the  wool  over  mi  eyes.  A 
cow  that  will  leak  18  quarts  of  milk  per  diem  iz  a  good 
one,  but  one  that  will  flow  30,  iz  better.  This  may  look 
like  an  assershun  ov  mine,  but  the  more  yu  look  into  it, 
the  more  milk  yu  will  diskover.  Thare  aint  but  fu  cows 
that  will  giv  30  quarts  ov  milk  a  day  unless  yu  irrigate  it 
well.  I  kant  say  if  it  will  pay  yu  to  keep  a  cow,  or  not, 
yu  kan  buy  a  "  Readdy  Reckoner"  at  enny  ov  the  book 
stores,  for  75  cents,  and  they  tell  all  about  theze  things. 
If  i  waz  called  upon  to  advise  a  Mother  in  law,  i  should 
tell  her  never  to  suggest  enny  thing  in  the  family  at  all, 
if  she  sees  the  babys  stockings  agin  the  stove,  burning 
up,  let  them  burn,  if  she  sees  the  kat  stealing  kream,  off 
from  the  top  ov  the  milk  kans,  let  her  steal,  if  thare  iz 
enny  thing  lost,  and  the  whole  household  are  hunting  for 
it,  and  she  knows  right  whare  it  iz,  keep  mum,  and  let 
them  hunt.  I  kant  tell  whitch  iz  the  best  breed  ov  lap 
dogs,  all  i  kno  about  the  diffrent  breeds  iz  that  the  whole 
lot  are  a  kussid  shame,  and  noosance.  Rats  are  very 
growthy,  so  growthy,  that  yu  dont  need  but  one  good 
helthy  rat  to  commence  operations  with,  and  in  three 
years,  yu  will  hav  rats  to  spare. 


WAIFS. 

Next  to  going  barefoot,  for  solid  cumfort,  cums  an 
old  shoe. 


I  beleave  in  ghosts, — only  a  little, — just  ennff  to  keep 
up  an  assortment. 


16 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


1878. 


Now  to  a  street  kar, 
Staggering  he  goes, 

Receiving  for  pay, 

Only  curses  and  blows. 


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Brevitys. 


A  warm  hotness 
#  June  bugs  i*&\ 
<s\  are  here  O  leafy 
weather  Q))  John 
Bigg  deceased  \  913 
=5  warm  and  wet  go 
|3f  John  Bigg  -: 
»^£  operated  in  ZZ 
TTJ2.  klams  SI  hotter 
c*s  now  ©  the  i£i 
kokroach  mrunneth 
bright  and  liquid  ^[ 
f  now  prepare  for  f 
rain  |  thou  shalt  If 
not  steal  >  sum  0 
wind  — :  now  egg 
J  hens  If  for  *£* 
chickens*^  wind  sow 
bi  ux  sow -east  $^a 
Tf  Vulcan  ||  was  ^[ 
D  a  blak  A  smith 
§  warmer  ^  all  If 
natur  ^1  jumps  If 
Tf  hot  go  Sam  f^i 
&  Burbanks  born  % 
1812  /a  hotsum 
rain  f£i  Sam  playd 
the  juice§  harp 
mutch    growthy 


FRIZZLE. 


About  all  us  old  fellows  kan  do 
to  enny  advantage,  iz  to  nuss  our 
rumatizz  quietly  in  sum  corner, 
and  guess,  that  it  iz  a  going  to 
rain  tommorow,  or  that  it  aint. 


Military  taktiks  are  a  good  thing 
to  fite  injuns  with,  when  the 
injuns  are  65  miles  off,  but  when 
the  fite  cums,  yu  want  to  kill  the 
injuns  fust,  and  then  alter  the 
case  to  fit  the  taktiks. 


A  woman  never  iz  more  happy 
than  when  she  haz  four  men 
waiting  on  her  all  to  once,  but 
more  than  one  woman  fussing 
over  a  man  at  the  same  time, 
makes  him  feel  dredphull  unsartin. 


Thare  iz  nothing  will  demoral- 
ize a  man  fasster,  than  to  git  into 
the  habit  ov  doing  hous  work. 

17 


TWO    LETTERS. 

Dear  Laubenhimer. — I  dont  know  who  writ  "Babes 
in  the  Woods"  but  who  ever  did,  hit  natur.  I  hav  forgot 
now  the  diagnosis  ov  the  book,  all  i  kan  remember  iz,  i 
red  it  when  i  waz  a  boy,  and  i  bought  one  25  years  after 
that  for  mi  son,  and  only  last  week,  bought  another  for 
mi  grandson,  and  when  he  grows  up  to  be  a  man,  and  iz 
wed,  and  haz  results,  he  will  buy  it  for  hiz  children. 
Robinson  Kruso,  Jak  the  Giant  Killer,  and  babes  in  the 
woods,  will  wear  az  long  az  allminaxes  will.  I  dont  kno 
az  thare  iz  a  partikle  ov  bible  truth  in  them,  but  they  are 
so  wonderphull,  that  if  they  didn't  never  cum  to  pass,  it 
seems  az  tho  they  ought  to. 


Dear  Onderdonk. — Thare  iz  only  one  way  to  brake  a 
kiking  heifer,  and  that  iz,  to  stop  her  growth  bi  deth. 
When  a  heifer  gits  to  kiking,  the  smartest  mishionary  in 
the  world  kant  console  her,  she  will  kik  over  her  own 
mother,  just  az  liberally  az  she  will  a  perfekt  stranger. 

They  will  allways  manage  to  stand  middling  still  untill 
yu  git  the  pail  just  about  full,  and  then  for  fear  they  wont 
hit  it,  they  will  kik  with  both  feet  to  oust,  and  squeal 
into  the  bargain.  After  they  hav  kikt  the  milk  over,  they 
are  perfektly  resighned,  and  will  stand  and  chew  their 
kud,  and  let  yu  milk  them  for  two  hours  if  yu  want  to. 


B  UO  YS. 

The  fust  man  that  waz  murdered  in  this  world  waz  the 
only  pure  one  living  at  that  time. 


I  like  to  see  all  things  true  to  natur,  even  a  hornet 
that  kant  sting,  is  a  melankolly  failure. 


18 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


1878. 


Next  to  a  kart> 

He  plods  >  and  he  moans, 
A  skeleton  phantom, 

A  mere  rak  ov  bones. 


I 


I 

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ivL 

T 
W 


Brevitys. 


If  Grate 
8  warmnessj 
*^t  now  the  %$£% 
8-  hopper  grasseJ|^ 
£?  laffeth  ^  sum  Q& 
more  hot  1[  Pan 
§  waz  T  a  shephard  J 
(£y  more  heat  ^f 
^  Fred  Munson  ^ 
x^  broke  his  $y 
3  arm  f  1386  Q) 
££  thunder  and  ^ 
3  litening  ^  now 
the  ram  butteth  ^ 
([£ifp,growing  hot  £? 
now  probed  for  i*> 
ice  kream  0  more 
$|£t  thunder  $g* 
T  multiplikashun  § 
table  diskovered  +o 
826  ££1  now  twitch 
lettiss  g\  more  /*s 
heaty  fclp  Jane 
If  Ferguson  O  <s? 
vamosed^  1840 
T  hot  §  abates  *f 
Jane  vamosed^^IJ 
with  T  one  Sam  § 
Peters  %  it  rains  f  f 
TTJI    sich  iz  life     SI 


WATCHWORDS. 


A  good  landlord  haz  no  publik 
opinyun  ov  hiz  own,  when  called 
upon  to*  decide  between  two  ov 
hiz  boarders,  he  takes  them  one 
side  seperately,  and  tells  each  ov 
them,  what  a  kussid  phool  the 
other  fellow  is  making  ov  himself. 


The  man  who  iz  anxious  to  liv 
hiz  life  over  again,  iz  proberbly 
more  ov  a  spekulator  at  heart; 
than  a  philosopher  or  a  christian. 


Total  depravity  iz  a  hard  thing 
for  me  to  believe,  but  i  must  say, 
that  i  often  meet  cases  that 
wouldn't  pay  more  than  5  per 
cent  for  rektifying. 


A  "Cuss"  iz  a  kritter  who  iz 
just  a  little  more  respektabel  than 
a  loafer,  and  just  a  little  less 
dangerous  than  a  renegade. 


19 


THE   RHINOSSEROSS  AND    THE    VIOLET 

The  rhinosseross  iz  strikly  a  forrin  invenshun,  and  i  am 
glad  ov  it.  They  are  a  one  horned  experiment,  and  that 
horn  grows  on  the  tip  ov  their  nose.  If  they  are  haft  az 
unhappy  az  they  look,  they  are  the  most  mizerable  krit- 
ters  ever  invented.  Their  great  value  is  in  their  skarsity, 
if  they  waz  az  plenty  az  organ  grinders,  they  wouldn't  be 
enny  more  of  a  luxury.  If  i  waz  offered  mi  choice 
between  a  rhinosseross,  and  an  anakondy,  i  should  figger 
on  them  cluss,  for  a  fortnight,  and  then  refuse  to  take 
either. 

THE  VIOLET. 
Little  blu  eyed  innocent,  i  saw  yu  one  year  ago,  this 
very  day,  in  this  same  cold,  and  sunless  spot,  (perhaps.it 
mite  hav  been  yure  sister)  far  away  from  human  eyes,  or 
human  footsteps.  It  waz  winter  then,  so  it  iz  now,  but 
they  call  it  spring.  Yu  are  too  gentle  for  this  cheerless 
place,  do  the  fairys  visit  yu,  and  whisper  words  ov  luv 
and  hope.  Yu  need'nt  hang  yure  hed  and  tremble, 
i  wont  hurt  yu,  gladly  would  i  swop  places  with  yu, 
neglected  az  yu  are,  yu  kant  be  lost,  i  may  be.  Stay 
right  whare  yu  are  little  innosent,  the  fust  luv  sik  maiden 
i  kum  akrost,  i  will  send  to  keep  yu  company,  she  will 
hav  a  lot  ov  silly,  and  soft  things,  to  tell  yu. 

UNDER  GRO  WTH. 

A  "Stool  Pigeon"  iz   one,  who  iz  willing  to  be  az 
wicked  az  he  knows  how,  but  who  haz  to  be  taught  all 
the  iniquity,  ov  enny  consequence,  that  he  possesses. 
o 

Men  who  hav  the  most  real  power,  sho  it  the  least, 
while  thare  aint  a  more  terrible  engine  ov  the  law,  than 
a  fresh  elekted  constable. 


20 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1878. 


When  he  kant  pull  a  poztnd, 
And  woii*  t  even  try, 

He  iz  dropt  bi  his  owner, 
And  turned  out  to  die. 


3 

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2S 

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31 

S 

Hri  vitys. 


3  Hot  but  dusty 
If  Behold  the  $&, 
*  fe  s  t  i  f  f  Gs 
iJJ^muskeeter  gff 
s\  draws  nigh  /a 
If  sum  more  If 
J  dust  with  heat  § 
now  inquire    □    for 

gs  big  shower  gs 
§  now  the  hen  § 
, —  pants  -*-  cool  — ^ 
gs  0  nights  O  gs 
(Q  Sam.  Carter  Q) 
||  obituated  1865  J 
sum  more  |  hotly  ^ 
§  Sam  Carter  waz  j 
a  &  ded  iri  beet  J 
£?  sighns  gs 
©  ov  thunder  ± 
t%  /now  lift/  (j) 
X^tt  coucumbers  *^t 
d  rain  and  £) 
O  lightning  © 
"thou  shall  not 
lie"Q  much  TT£  <s\ 
(T  warmth  >K  now 
keep  ^  cool  3  ** 
©thunders© 
hark  !!!   <i   ft 


S STRAPS. 


Repentanse  iz  the  most  satis- 
faktory  duty  that  a  man  can  per- 
form, but  it  wont  kure  the  headake 
next  day,  nor  pay  for  the  hot  rum, 
and  cigars,  it  took  to  make  it. 


Thare  may  be  some  perfektly 
happy  people  in  this  world,  but  if 
they  undertake  to  prove  it,  they 
will  lay  themselfs  open  to  sus- 
pishun. 


I  never  knu  a  man  who  lived 
upon  hope,  but  what  spent  hizold 
age  at  sumboddy  else's  expense. 


To  bekum  famous  requires 
mutch  time,  and  merit, — fust  to 
be  entitled  to  it,  an  seckondly, 
not  to  git  cheated  out  ov  it. 


21 


THE    BACHELOR. 

The  old  bachelor  iz  born  in  the  maskuline  way,  but 
often  changes  hiz  base,  to  the  nuter  gender.  He  thinks 
he  haz  got  a  good  lone  hand,  but  in  playing  it,  allmost 
allvvays  gits  ukered.  Sumtimes,  late  in  life,  he  makes 
up  hiz*  mind  to  git  marrid,  and  then,  allmost  invariably, 
thare  are  two  partys,  who  are  disapointed. 

THE    QUACK. 

The  quack  knows  he  iz  a  ded  beat,  but  he  allso  knows 
that  mankind  luv  to  be  cheated.  He  allwuss  haz  sum 
speshiallity,  and  the  more  diffikult  iz  the  disseaze,  the 
more  brazen  iz  he,  in  hiz  offers  to  kure  it.  He  preys 
upon  the  unfortunate,  and  it  would  be  az  unprofitable 
to  prove  malpraktiss  aginst  him,  az  it  would  bigamy, 
agin  st  a  wharf  rat. 

THE    DEAKON. 

The  deakon  iz  the  fust  lutenant  in  a  meeting  house. 
He  iz  a  good  christian  man,  but  hiz  kreed  iz  too  often  az 
mutch  bother  to  him,  az  a  yoke  iz  to  a  goose.  He  iz  az 
full  ov  bizzness,  and  proviso's  az  a  wimmins  rites  con- 
venshen.  He  often  haz  more  pitty  than  branes,  and 
generally,  more  fuss,  than  either.  A  good  deakon,  in 
a  naborhood,iz  a  substanshali  blessing,  and  bad  deakons, 
thank  Heaven,  hav  allwuss  been  skarse. 

SOLLUM   THINGS. 

The  world  iz  bankrupt  in  morals,  and  if  kind  heaven 
wont  settle  with  us,  for  10  cents  on  the  dollar,  the  devil 
will  git  the  whole  thing  bi  foreclosure. 


Yu  may  make  a  servant  ov  a  friend,  but  yu  kant  make 
a  friend  ov  a  servant,  it  aint  natral. 


22 


30  Days.                SEPTEMBER.                        1878. 

JSS&:^ 

The  street  boys  git  at  him, 

And  ride  him  around, 

'Till  he  staggers,  and  stumbles. 

» 

And  jails  to  the  ground. 

I 

G 

Brevitys. 

ECHOS. 

0   Breezy  §  'list 

2 

M 

^t    to   O   the  *& 

Whenever   yu   cum    akrost    a 

3 

T 

Gs  mocking  bird  /±n 

man,  who  praizes  yu   immoder- 

4 

W' 

g^T  a  fine  day^^J 

ately,   and  kusses   every   boddy 

5 

T 

£     now  chew     £* 

else  in  proportion,  yu  kan  make 

b 

7 

1< 

S 

^b   JcherrysJ  Mt 
O  cool  §  Dave  &\ 

up  yure  mind,  that  yure  turn  for 

8 

G 

T  Markham  died  § 

kussing  will  cum  soon. 

9 

M 

|   1790    ||  milder  § 

coo 

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ii 

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W 

A   Dave    died     A 
O     ov  skarsity     0 

Experiense   haz  no  effect   on 

12 

T 

©  0  ov  breth  ©  A 

sum  people,  they  are  like  an  old 

*3 

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s 

O  |     more     |  1^, 

frog  in   a   mud  puddle,  yu   kan 

16 

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20 

©mildness  © 
|  huckleberrys  are  § 
XV    here     gff    cool 
X&t    sighns  m* 

ketch  him  without  even  enny  bait 
on  yure  hook,  and  thro  him  bak 
agin,  az  often  az  yu  hav  a  mind  to. 

©   Dan  Tucker   © 
ag     born  1832     D 
§  expekt  coolness  § 

f,  he  not 

An  idler  iz  twice  a  thie 

2? 

n 

Tf  Dan  Tucker     ^r 

only  steals  hiz  own  time,  but  he 

23 

M 
T 
W 

«^<   waz    dark  &£* 
||konplekted|| 
rain  J  now  A  twitch 

hangs   around,    trieing    to   steal 

24 

25 
26 

yures  too. 

T 

flax  |  hot  day  %  m 

27 

F 

□  time  ov  peace  a 

We    all    ov    us    hav    certian 

28 

S 

look  out  |  |  for  war 
wind  easty  f  bi  nor 
east  Cy  go  slow  % 

sorrows  that  are  too  intrinksik  to 

29 
30 

G 
M 

be  divided  with  enny  boddy. 
23 

- 

THE   GRASSHOPPER  IZ  A  BURDEN. 

,The  grasshopp  iz  a  flippant  bug.  He  iz  likewise  a 
kuss.  He  iz  green  for  color,  and  haz  several  leggs,  or 
more,  i  disremember  whitch.  They  kan  fli,  hop,  walk, 
sit  still,  or  run",  and  are  born  ov  eggs,  a  dozen  from  each 
egg,  proberbly.  They  are  an  inch  and  a  quarter  in  length, 
and  are  sumtimes  a  frackshun  over.  They  are  laid, 
hatchid  out,  git  their  manhood,  and  die  off  in  75  days, 
this  iz  aktual  bizzness,  and  shows  enterprize,  in  a  lofty 
degree.  What  they  are  good  for,  haz  been  concealed 
from  us,  for  wize  reazons,  but  the  evil  they  kan  commit, 
iz  sumtimes  equal  to  a  famine.  I  hav  seen  every  green 
thing,  on  the  flatt  ov  the  earth,  for  50  miles  in  diameter, 
et  up  bi  them,  and  millyuns  ov  them  besides  starving  to 
deth.  I  have  seen  the  air  filled  with  them  like  a  shower 
ov  sand,  and  nothing  but  stone  fences,  and  McAdam 
roads,  proof  aginst  their  appetights.  To  be  et  up  bi 
grasshopps,  to  be  consumed  bi  muskeeters,  or  mangled 
bi  a  mule,  hav  allways  been  the  three  deaths  that  i  hav 
voted  aginst.  But  az  mutch  az  i  fear  the  dedly  hopper, 
i  had  rather  face  a  mile  square  ov  them,  all  alone,  in  the 
month  ov  August,  or  i  had  rather  cross  the  Newark 
marshes,,  bi  moonlite,  in  Juli,  when  muskeeters  are  in 
their  consumate  glory,  or  even  fondle  the  sportive  mule, 
than  to  hav  a  nusepaper  kritick,  who  writes  for  8  dollars 
a  week,  git  after  me. 


CAMBRIK  NEEDLES. 
The  slowest  time  on  reckord, — is  skool  time. 


. 


The  man  who  forgivs,  and  dont  for git,  compounds  for 
50  cents  on  the  dollar. 


24 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1878. 


Thare  he  struggles,  and  groans, 
''Till  he  iz  k?iockt  on  the  hed, 

And  the  once  rapid  trotter, 
Lies  pulseless  and  ded. 


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Brevitys. 


G  Frosty  7T[  now 
3  gobble  cider  ^ 
Sl^pexpekt  kold3 
/*\  Nick  Hudibras  | 
X  fled  ©  1851  U 
*»*  %  colder  X  $t\ 
ill  Nick  fled  c 
~  to  Texas  Q 
X  snow  £  threatens  X 
x  now  unearth  9 
X  p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s  X 
0  cool  nights  0 
liberty  X  and  X  union 
$gi  still  X  cooler  © 
iSn  one  Q  and  /r*\ 
fl£p~  fine  day  .^J 
inseparable  Tf  now 
0  the  duck  + 
q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h  % 
y£?  more  frost  ^ 
O  Sally  Foster  O 
T  marrid  1826  ^ 
A  cool  and  wet  A 
Sally  marrid  $  for 
love  X  cooler  ?  and 
45  hundred  dollars 
a  year  %  wind  flau 
X?  sum  f^i  now  3 
highst  jgt  turnips  J 


Z>^  K  BREAKS. 


Politeness  never  makes  enny 
blunders,  it  often  gits  snubbed, 
but    never   gits   beat. 


When  you  cum  akrost  a  man 
that  neither  flattery,  nor  abuse, 
wont  stimulate,  let  him  alone,  he 
haz   gone   to   seed. 


Thare  iz  nothing  more  bekum- 
ing  than  humality,  and  nothing 
that  most  ov  people  are  more 
ashamed  ov. 


It  iz  a  grate  art  to  kno  how  to 
giv  gracephully,  I  hav  seen  good 
light  bread  change  into  a  stone, 
in  passing  from  one  hand  to 
another. 

25 


:      THE    APPLE. 

The  apple  iz  the  oldest  fruit  on  reckord,  and  one  ov 
the  best.  The  fust  ackount  we  hav  ov  it,  was  in  the 
gardin  ov  Eden.  Eve  iz  sed  to  hav  et  the  fust  one,  and 
pronounced  it  good,  and  made  Adam  take  a  bight.  The 
eating  ov  this  apple  never  has  been  konsidered  mutch 
ov  a  hit  for  the  rest  ov  us.  The  apple  will  keep  longer 
than  enny  other  fruit,  if  it  aint  eaten,  and  kan  be  workt 
up  into  apple  sass,  and  dumplings,  with  grate  suckcess. 

I  kan  tell  a  mans  tru  karakter,  bi  what  he  eats,  or 
drinks,  clusser  than  i  kan  to  hear  him  deliver  a  temp- 
ranse  lektur.  Talk  of  all  kinds  iz  artyfishall,  but  vittles, 
and  drinks,  iz  natur.  Whenever  yu  see  a  man  cussing, 
and  svvareing  at  apple  sass,  and  good  light  dumplings, 
yu  can  bet  10  dollars,  on  mi  ackount,  that  he  aint  a  good 
fireside  man.  Apples  also,  when  they  are  well  squeezed, 
produce  cider,  which  iz  next  to  milk,  az  a  fertilizer. 
Egnogg  owes  most  ov  its  glory  unto  cider.  Champane 
wine  would  be  dredphull  skarse  in  market  if  it  want  for 
cider,  and  good  sharp  vinegar  would  be  az  unkommon 
az  piety,  or  tru  affeckshun,  if  it  wazn't  for  cider.  Jersey 
lightning  also  kums  from  cider,  this  iz  the  only  wicked 
thing  i  ever  knu  cider  to  do.  Jersey  lightning  haz 
scalded  more  people  than  hot  water  ever  haz,  and  killed 
more  than  Minnie  rifles. 


FOAM. 

Thare  iz  nothing  which  a  chaste,  and  refined  woman 
detekts  so  quick  as  the  atmosphere  ov  an  impure  man. 


Contentment  haz  been  praized  more,  and  prakticed 
less,  than  enny  other  condishun  ov  life. 


26 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1878. 


Now  they  kart  him  azvay — 

Forgot,  and  forsaken. 
To  far-famed  "Barren  Island," 

The  Trotter  iz  taken. 


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S 

Brevitys. 


g  Cold  0  the 
cricket  XX  chirps  % 
ess  faintly  ess  more 
c  o  1  d  y  ^  now  \\ 
trap  O  for  minks  ^ 
ifgi  it  snows  1^1 
X  Ruben  Hatfieid  % 
obsquatulated  181 1 
fi^""  chilly  ^^3 
TTfi  Reuben  %  was  % 
a  toll/gate  ||  keeper 
\  now  Tf  bruize  * 
UtalP   w/o/o/d  iQx 

0  colder  mutch  © 

1  thou  f  shalt  T 
not  0  s-n-o-r-e  © 
in  *^i  thy  "0|  sleep 
~  very  3  co°l  D 
||  meazles  ||  found  ] 
0  1492  TT£  Bob  O 
Barnes  ©  died  1603 
raw  %  but  cold  §  Bob 
Barnes  X  was  Q)  a 
vegitinarian  \\}  more 
snow  Q  Bob  Barnes 
waz  a  kold  ||  potato 
©  champion  ess 
2^~  Farewell  ^3 
±   my  boys  !  !  !   X 


SNOW  FLAKES. 


I  like  philosophy  on  general 
principles,  but  the  man  who  in- 
vented the  frickshun  match,  a 
cent  a  box,  haz  dun  the  world 
more  good,  than  than  the  author 
ov  the  stoick  philosophy. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  fresh 
water  martyrs  on  the  footstool, 
folks  whoze  gratest  pride  iz  to  tell 
us  what  a  miserable  time  they  hay 
allways   had   ont. 


Advice  and  phisick  are  so 
plenty,  that  the  man  who  makes 
enny  blunders,  or  gits  sick,  must 
be  a  phool. 


A  vain  man  lets  us  see  all  hiz 
weak  points,  and  hides  hiz  strong 
ones. 

27 


THE  AVERAGE  BOARDING  HOUSE. 

I  hav  lived  in  boarding  houses  long  enuff  to  decide, 
that  most  ov  them  are  the  most  cheerless,  and  unfriendly 
places  on  earth.  The  alms  house,  or  the  hospital,  iz  a 
more  luvly  spot  to  liv  in,  than  the  average  boarding 
house.  They  are  kept  bi  females,  gennerally  about  45, 
or  46,  years  old,  and  never  gits  enny  older,  who  wears  a 
blak  allpacka  dress,  az  slippery,  and  shiny,  as  a  piece  ov 
pattent  leather,  and  who  kan  bio  a  butcher  klean  out  ov 
hiz  stall,  or  lift  the  false  hair  oph  from  the  heds,  ov  one 
ov  her  Bridgets,  when  she  gets  to  argueing  the  case  hot. 

Her  house  iz  furnished  from  top  to  bottom  with  faded 
furniture,  the  spoils  ov  a  thousand  aukshun  sales,  which 
iz  the  only  place  she  visits,  except  the  meat,  and  vege- 
table markets.  Everything  on  the  table,  and  about  the 
house,  inkluding  attendance,  iz  meazzured  out  at  the 
rate  ov  about  nine  ounces  to  the  pound,  and  the  whole 
thing  runs  dry,  and  squeaking  like  the  axles  ov  a  waggon, 
in  want  ov  grease.  Thare  iz  not  one  solitary,  genuine 
cumfort,  in  theze  concerns,  and  men,  and  wimmin,  liv, 
year  after  year,  in  theze  hash  asylums,  cursing  them 
every  day,  and  without  the  moral  force  to  desert  them. 

I  was  once  told  ov  one  landlady  who  kept  a  party 
ov  four  young  fellows  in  her  house,  two  months  longer 
than  they  wanted  to  stay,  bi  putting  a  ten  cent  stamp 
into  the  hash  every  morning.  The  landlady  dealt  out 
the  hash,  and  managed  to  get  the  stamp  every  time. 

DUST. 

The  way  of  the  transgressor  iz  hard, — and  there  ain't 
no  transgressor  kan  dodge  it  neither. 


Experience  iz  about  all  that  old  age  can  boast  ov,  and 
how  often  iz  even  this  ov  the  bitterest  kind. 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1878. 


Thar  hiz  hide  is  stript  off, 
And  tzvo  dollars  brings, 

And  his  bones  are  workt  up, 
Into  buttons  and  things. 


8 

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25 

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28 

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30 

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3* 

T 

Brevitys. 


Orphull  §  kold^ 
now  Gs  hunt  §  for 
$£1  ice  £?  it  .JgJ 
O  waxes  kolder  ± 
O  Zeke  •  Davis  £j 
born  1850  =£=  big  © 
~  s-n-o  it*  storm  («j 
^  Zeke  waz^ 
/a  -H-  henpecked  21 
man  0  it  is  winter 
now  \  the  $&%  cow 
s-h-  i-v-e-r-e-  t-hA 
(£  more  *2k  bitter  g> 
3  Adam  /  was  0 
(E3pa  phooLJglB 
<3  more  £$  snow  Q) 
||  now  maim  wood  f 
dredphull  T>  cold  y 
~*-^  m  a  n  is  ~»— * 
/a~f-a-i-l-u-r-e  I 
/S\  wind  northy  [CP 
bi  (»j  north  6  now 
pay  gs  your  honest 
dets  ]  it  grows  cold 
now! comfort  |  your 
wife  (!)  more  snow 
Buy  Josh  Billings' 
A-1-l-m-i-n-a-x  § 
sighns  ov  a  thaw  (?) 
Let  0)  us  3  meet 
Sphere  again^g^ 


SKIMMINGS. 


I  have  a  grate  kuriosity  now  to 
kno  when  the  next  flood  is  a 
going  to  take  place,  and  whether 
thare  kan  be  found  on  the  face  ov 
the  earth  a  crew  fit  to  man  the 
next   ark   with. 

00© 

I  hav  heard  wize  men  phrovesy, 

and  fools  guess,  all  mi  life,  but  i 

never  hav  kept  enny  count  which 

ov    them    haz   got   it   right    the 

oftenest. 

— — aoo 

When  i  waz  a  boy  i  allwuss 
wanted  tommorow  to  cum,  in 
middle  life  i  wanted  a  day  to  last 
allways,  now  that  i  hav  got  older? 
i  look  at  yesterday,  and  to  day, 
and  compare  them  with  tom- 
morow, and  wonder  what  all  this 
fuss  iz  about. 


-C0O- 


Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  in  this 
world,  who  spend  so  mutch  time 
watching  their  healths,  that  they 
haint  got  no  time  to  enjoy  it. 

29 


A    LONG    PARAGRAFF. 

Guessing  iz  a  dredphull  poor  trade,  i  had  just  about 
az  soon  hav  a  man  tell  me  a  lie  az  to  guess  at  a  thing,  in 
case  ov  doubt  ask  yure  wife,  when  the  sun  shines  wimmin 
aVe  butterflys,  and  luv  to  bask  in  its  rays,  but  when  the 
dark  hours  cum,  and  even  hope  begins  to  look  over  its 
shoulder,  ask  yure  wife  about  it,  and  she  will  either  puntch 
a  hole  thru  the  klowd,  or  lift  up  one  corner  ov  it,  and 
sho  yu  a  star,  I  luv  babys,  i  luv  them  bekauze  they  are 
aktually  necessary,  I  luv  them  bekauze  they  wont  lie,  I 
luv  them  bekauze  they  may  be  the  next  president  sum 
time,  i  luv  them  bekauze  i  waz  a  baby  once  miself,  and 
perhaps  sumboddy  loved  me,  i  hav  sumtimes  thought 
gamblers  were  az  honest  az  they  kan  afford  to  be,  they 
allwuss  giv  notiss  before  hand  that  they  will  cheat  you 
if  they  kan,  I  beleave  in  one  wife,  one  dog,  and  one 
friend,  with  a  few  cheerfull  acquaintances  thrown  in 
to  make  up  the  assortment,  doenutts  and  cheeze  are 
lawful  tenders  in  Nu  England,  nine  doenutts,  a  quarter 
ov  a  pound  ov  old  cheeze,  and  a  pint  ov  sharp  sider, 
iz  a  luncheon  fit  for  a  nuly  elekted  Justiss  ov  the 
Peace,  or  a  trakt  pedlar,  dandys  are  things  ov  the  past, 
I  havn't  seen  a  regular  full  blossomed,  old  fashioned 
dandy,  going  on  now  seven  years,  I    *****     * 


SEDIMENT. 

When  a  coquet  falls  in  luv,  she  falls  in  all  over,  prudes 
make  a  mental  reservashun. 


I  would  rather  number  amung  mi  intimates,  an  ideot, 
or  even  a  pikpocket,  than  infidel. 


3o 


/uit  1-aU.   «{<u^  t    l£  ^  M^^, 


The  Holmatt  Liver  Pad  Co. 

REMEDIES 

Will  do  for  you  what  nothing  else  caii.       In  the  name  of  humanity 
TRY  THEM. 


Regular   size,  $2.00;    Specials,  $3.00  ;    Infants',  $1.50 ;    Spleen  Belt, 

$5.00;    Absorptive  Body  Plaster,  50  cts. ;    Foot  Plasters, 

pair,  50  cts.;    Medicated  Foot  Baths  Absorption 

Salt,  25  cts.  package. 


Address,  93  WILLIAM  STREET,  New  York. 


18 


G>  It? T^C    fcfr  m^u   AtL~£,    cZn^eA    i^yLA\ 

//^6rr)<Z£.rAsC4si^-—  r       <  /j         - 


LYON'S 

Fine   Silk   Umbrellas. 


MAKER,  N.  Y. 


19 


ALPINE   HOUSE, 

GORHAM,    NEW    HAMPSHIRE, 
A  GEM  OF  A  HOTEL, 

Connecting  six  times  daily  with  "  GLEN  HOUSE,"  White  Mountains, 
by  Elegant  Six-Horse  Concord  Coaches. 


See  Advertisement  of  "GLEN  HOUSE,"  Page  No.  26,  in  Almanac 
for  1879. 


W.  &  0.  R.  MILLIKEN",  Proprietors. 


yfa^£  Syrian,  ,  fo^JT^t  A*-  M^^ 
fcLo&^t  fay- a.  Liru-f  lui^i*^^  otishtfei/z^jr 

KILL    THE    POTATO  BUG 


COTTON    WOEM. 
Use  PARIS  GREEN, 

Made  by  JF.  JV.  DEVOE  &  CO.,  New  York. 


Circulars  on  the  use  of  Paris  Green  supplied  freb  on  application. 

F.  W.  DEVOE  &  CO.,  Manufacturers  of  READY  MIXED  PAINTS. 

Send  for  Sample  Card  of  Colors. 

Cor.   of  Fulton  and  William  Streets,  New  York, 


Old  Zodiak  iz  still   at  hiz  post,  pointing  out 
sighns. — Send  in  yure  orders  early. 


Head  and  Face.     IJT 

Arms, 

@ 

Neck. 

@ 

• 

Heart. 

Breast. 

ft 

^^Xfcv^wlsF   YH^i  ^  ^ 

V3 

_  ___^— ■ 

Reins. 

«^Hi^^^j».'7«^33kE  / 

Bowels. 

*♦ 

^^ 

%*x 

Thighs. 

^ft^f^^^&^5r^*s1 

Secrets. 

O 

A 

yfrScajn  t*  OSd(6^I3^^^i 

K 

0 

Legs. 

1   ^S  f  il?li^as?L 

Knees% 

M¥ 

a* 

/*><?/.       © 

KAN    THIS    BE     TRUt 

I  hav  finally  cum  to  the  konklushun  that 
if  I  kant  prove  a  thing  without  betting 
5  dollars  on  it,  the  thing  haz  got  a  dred- 
phull   weak   spot   sumwhare. 


BLO,    BROTHERS,    BLO. 


ft  h^  /fnrnt ~  OY  7h*s/o?~0QJLs/i44>vi,, 

BY   PARTIKULAR    REQUEST. 


COME  AND   SEE   THE    BEST   PIANOS   MADE 
IN   THE   WORLD, 

CHICKERING'S. 


PRICES  are  LOW  and  TERMS  VERY  REASONABLE 


warerooms:  chickering  hall, 

130  Fifth  Avenue,  New  York. 

156  Tremont  Street,  Boston. 


QUESTIONS    AND    REPLIZE. 

Q. — What  iz  the  best  religious  kreed  to  hav  ? 

A. — Charity.  If  a  man  will  swop  off  all  the  religious 
kreed  he  haz  got  on  hand,  and  invest  the  proceeds  in 
charity,  he  will  allwus  be  proud  ov  the  job. 


Q. — Will  yu  pleze  define  an  Enthuziast  ? 

A. — An  Enthuziast  iz  a  party  who  beleaves  about 
4  times  az  mutch  az  he  kan  prove,  and  who  kan  prove 
about  4  times  az  mutch  az  ennyboddy  else  beleaves. 


Q. — What  three  things  hav  dun  the  most  to  civilize 
the  world  ? 

A. — The  Bible,  the  looking-glass,  and  the  muskett. 


Q. — Whitch  iz  the  most  reddy  animile  ? 

A. — The  mule — they   alwuss   sleep   standing,  so  to 
be  on  hand  when  the  kiking  begins  to  flow. 


Q# — What  iz  the  quikest  food  on  reckord  ? 

A. — The   oyster  on    the  hafl  shell — they  kan  be  et 
sitting,  standing,  or  on  the  run. 


TOO    MUTCH    OV    A    FIT. 


fits   farrrtAiZ   awststars^&v 
eft  rt  &>~u(u  TfoU^,  <w$h$i&<4\QZ;~ 


I  HOPE  I  DON'T  INTRUDE. 


CONTINENTAL    (FIRE)    INS.    CO.    OF   NEW    YORK, 

Office,  100  and  102  Broadtvay, 

Conducts  its  Business  under  the  Safety-Fund  Law. 

Insures  Dwelling-Houses,  Farm  Property,  Household  Furniture,  Stores, 
Merchandise,  Manufactories  and  other  Property,  at  reasonable  rates. 

Cash  Capital, $1,000,000.00 

JVet  Surplus, 966, 5 Of. OS 

Gross  Jissets, 3,773,933.3/ 

Special  ^Reserve  Fund,  -       $£.50,000 

Guaranty  Surplus,  -  -      £60,000 

CYRUS  PECK,  Sec'y.  GEO.  T.  HOPE,   Pres't. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1879. 


AQUARIUS. 


The  Water  Bearer. 


"Now  iz  the  winter  ov  our  diskontent? 


The  Slate, 


KRYSTALS. 


I 

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C  Keep*  cool* 

>  &?r»  |  starch  < 
*^i    ft    snows   %&* 

•  i  n  v  e  n  t  e  du 
3  now  §  1835  & 
^  /  iz  O  the  /  £? 
©winter  ©  SamO 
ov     our     Peterkin 

•  *  diskontent  *  # 
$  for/*  f  holder  x> 
§  1202  $  more  § 
kolder  &  !|  ®  &*l 
—  now  —  was  — 
f)rake*tfQ) 

>  ©  in  x>  ice  ©  < 
#*#»  X  *^«  *  sighns 
&\\the  frov^W 

fr o  g  Q  snow 
O  Zr>j  Q  kolder  Q 
£$ stilly  nowTT^S 
snow  1$  c_  'Q  jam 
Q2  |/«/  I  fires  Q 
deep  ~]  —  f  Mozes 
$$  a  t  h  aw  <P$ 
B^u^b^n^s- 
iBMow  \  deceased^ 
€_,8i8-3 
$  s-w-a-1-l-o-w  <1> 

•  kolder  ©  cider  Q 


Yung  man,  set  down,  and  keep 
still,  yu  will  hav  plenty  ov  chan- 
ces yet  to  make  a  phool  ov  yure- 
self  before  yu  die. 


It  iz  a  wize  man  who  proffits 
bi  hiz  own  experience — but  it  iz  a 
good  deal  wizer  one,  who  lets  the 
rattlesnaik  bite  the  other  phellow. 


Take  all  the  phools  out  ov 
this  world,  and  thare  wouldn't  be 
enny  phun,  nor  proffit  living  in  it. 


Allmost  enny  phool  kan  prove 
that  the  bible  aint  true,  it  takes 
a  wize  man  to  beleave  it. 


7 


BOSS    OV    THE    SITUASHUN. 


&£o* 


ewsnrv)  yncrrt  /^ut^^    \fi  C^o  ffiuL> 


YURES,  WITH  PROFOUND  RESPEKT. 


PENNSYLVANIA    RAILROAD. 


Great  Trunk  Line  and  U,  S.  Mail  Route, 

NEW    YORK 

TICKET     OFFICES: 

No.  626  Broadway,  No.  944  Broadway, 

No.  1  Astor  House,  Depot,  Jersey   City, 

Depot,  Foot  of  Desbrosses  St.,  No.  8  Battery  Place, 

Depot,  Foot  of  Courtland  St.,  Busch's  Hotel,  Hoboken. 

BROOKLYN: 

No.  4  Court  St.— Brooklyn  Annex  Depot,  Foot  of  Fulton  St. 


FRANK  THOMSON,  General  Manager.         I«.  P.  FARMER,  Gen'l  Pans.  Agent. 

SAM'L     CARPENTER, 

General  Eastern  Passenger  Agent,  526  Broadway,  Neto  York. 

~~8~~ 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY- 


PICES, 


1879. 


THE  FISHES. 


Two  Perch— possibly  one  Smelt. 


ill 

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8 

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J9 

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T 

F 


The  Slate. 


y^-Kold^  now 
„,  waxes  g±  make  „, 
.Jgfl)  snow  ax  py 
yiz/Zr  — :  j-  handles 
<  Kate  [  aufull  > 
Sherman  n  |  n  koldy 
■n#!|  fell  more  I|  TTJi 
Kate  *  *  *  * 
O  O  koldness  0  O 
*  *  *  *  fell 
i£x  //^Odown  |^h 
©  %  Bumblebee  \  % 
cellar  Bt^".^)  /^J" 
£  «07*/  dreaming  S 
fJM&fc  *  kolderQ 
buttnutts  O  =0=  1/ 
3  Adam  £j  snows  $ 
g  Brown  c — n  *V  g 
kreated  0>K  thaws 
v  1400  Adam  =%? 
w^r*  Y  .r«0a/  Y  waz 
ZZ now  a  J  natral  || 
&T  pay  kuss^^J 

dets f Ben 

•  stillui  Franklin  © 
kolder  @  a  $  waz 
\thawy/\  a«|[  kardt 


CENTER  SHOTS. 


I  would  az  soon  think  ov  pull- 
ing the  feathers  out  ov  a  peakoks 
tale,  az  to  interfere  with  inosent 
vanity  ov  a  man. 


When  a  wize  man  undertakes 
to  do  a  kunning  thing  he  allmost 
allways  makes  a  mizerable  failure 
ov  it. 


Marrid  life  iz  a  little  game,  in 
which  the  woman,  if  she  iz  called, 
iz  allmost  sure  to  hav  a  strate 
flush. 

The  man  who  knows  a  thing, 
and  can  tell  it  in  the  fewest  words, 
iz  the  hardest  kind  of  a  man  to 
beat  in  a  kross  examinashun. 


KAN    THIS    BE    THUS? 


dhi.  dxmt^  et  ktwt&ris  a  Yrustahi  ,amd  a  wwrxk*; 


vlhjim.  a.  mam  sets  dm^a  bovrwnkt/foT; 
(k<Ltah.z  uA)a  Qcwd.  arUfrU  imfas  a  Tru'stab, 

(akz  S  uh  a  Jo  our  ff*1*  /rmynahs  a  ^Wj^= 

OUR  BEST  WISHES  FOR    YOUR  HAPPINESS. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1879. 


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3i 


ARIES, 


THE  RAM. 


On  the  War  Path.— The  hit  ov  the  seazon. 


V3 

S 

G 

M 

T 

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T 

F 

S 

G 

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T 

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G 

M 


The  State. 


Wi  n  d  c_  >  © 

-* — * — now 
ig&xhowls  g\  tan£g* 
more  Q)  woodchuk 
>  wind  czi  skins  < 
Pete  —  wind 
0-0  Perkins  0-O 
r-i-z-e-s  $£.,  b-o.r-n 
#{more  $3  1840^} 

win  dfu  II 

Pete  %*  it 

©  rains  f  g*  waz  / 
^^U)  -  coloured- (£gF* 
sighns  $  ^  £  he 
©waz  *  0Z/3  #  -H- 
j//f?w  -8a  >  <v  < 
c  -o  -1  -o  -u  -r  -e  -d 

—  now  —  barber  — 
-:  d%r%a%w\- 
the  i2yl2yS2y2  off 
©^/o>  violet  a>~~© 

ackounts 

tSJ  hat  /_  more  en 
*•#/»    &    windjull 

\%\tw*  *  §-§ 
£/<?w.r  ITT  drink 
©-O-Noah-0-© 
Egg  had 

—  nogg  O  3  "~ 
it  \5  blows  Y  boys  S 


DU  DROPS. 


The  things  that  i  kant  prove  i 
beleave  the  most,  i  beleave  that 
one  apple  iz  sour,  and  another 
one  sweet,  but  i  will  giv  enny 
highly  eddikated  man,  a  span  ov 
matched  mules,  who  will  tell  me 
what  makes  them  so. 


I  hav  lived  just  long  enuff  to 
find  out  how  little  i  kno,  and  no 
man  who  throws  away  hiz  faith, 
iz  ever  going  to  be  very  wize. 


The  smartest  thing  about  enny 
man  iz  hiz  conshience,  he  may 
outargy  hiz  reazon,  or  stutify  hiz 
faith,  but  he  kant  beat  hiz  con- 
shience. 

The  best  thing  i  kno  ov  iz  a 
fust  rate  wife,  and  the  next  best 
thing,  is  a  sekond  rate  one. 


OH!    OH!    OH! 


dkcMt  /'z  only  owl  mUiG TAa.  f  /cm 


T 


PLEZE  ACCEPT  OUR  KARD. 


J.    &    J. 

SLATER, 

Ladies'  Gents'  and  Children's 

FINE 

SHOES, 

REMOVED    TO 

1185   Broadway,  New  York, 

North-west  Corner  28th  Street. 

30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1879. 


TAURUS, 


THE  BULL, 


Bound  for  Wall  Street. — Bring  on  yure  Bear. 


3     d, 


The  Slate. 


DOOR  KNOBS. 


T 
W 
T 
F 

S 

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M 

T 

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T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

W 

T 

F 

S 

G 

M 

T 

3o|W 


i 

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3 

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8 

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18 

x9 

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26 

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28 


|3j*  April  now 
a  fool  d  pluk  D 
\-r-a-i-n-y-\ 
ess.  %  dandy  lionsEtss 
moreui w  Julia 

fc^-*Higgins|]iJI^- 
warm  ~  §  ~  §  *v  died 
0  wet  ©  rain  0 
1874 $~^$  Julia 
(QQmuch  %  wasS2Q) 
moist a 

d  gprude  J  «<?«/§  a 
w  et  ty    &     /£* 

O  David  §  goose  % 

slu  W^~*Ml  J^ 

$....  Golier $ 

Expekt  %*  windy 
G\  frogs  es±  jv*0W  <a 
m-o—r-e s-o-w 

'—gar din  -K-  $  •*-  <9 
. .  James  . .  j^zjj  . . 
0OO  much  00O 
^  Bukann  an  ^ 
. . .  .*  cooler  iz* . . . . 

ded  inn  t  «&* 

Y  m  o  r  e  —  izY 

#  %  rain  life  &  • 


Caushun  iz  a  good  thing  for  a 
man  to  hav,  but  when  he  haz  got 
so  mutch  ov  it,  that  he  iz  afrade 
to  tutch  a  kast  iron  lion,  for  fear 
it  will  bite,  ignoranse  iz  what's 
the  matter  ov  him. 


In  courtship  i  hav  allwus  ad- 
vised the  oblique  rather  than  the 
vertikal  process,  if  yure  mistress 
diskovers  too  mutch  anxiety  in 
yu,  she  iz  sure  to  diskover  less 
in  herself. 


Thare  aint  nothing  that  a  man 
will  thrive  so  well  on  az  abuse 
that  aint  merited. 


Whenever  yu  cum  akrost  a 
man  who  distrusts  everyboddy, 
yu  hav  found  one  whom  it  is  safe 
for  everyboddy  to  distrust. 

13 


Much  haz  been   sed   about   Milk,  but  the  best  thing  I 
hav  ever  seen  on  it — \z  the  kream. 


^UmcjMa^t(^cr>\t 

out  A/A  uA)  y  usrz  jbcut \awdw/A/nQ 

sterol ,  awd  Qo ^rhiL  ru^ct (LcfU^. ~ 


PARDON  THIS  INTRUSHUN. 


STUETEVANT     HOUSE, 

IS  IN  THE  CENTRE  OF  THE  CITY, 

BROAD  WAY, 

28th  and  29th  Sts.,  NEW     YORK, 

WITH    ELEVATOR. 


Rooms  with  Board,  $2.50,  3.00,  and  3.50  per  day, 


ACCORDING    TO    LOCATION. 


Rooms    on    European    Plan,    $1.00    per    day. 

L  &  G.  S.   LELAND,   Proprietors. 


14 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


1879. 


GEMINI, 


THE  TWINS. 


Dubletts — a  lucky  throw. 


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0 


The  Slate. 


A»SV>//1]"now3) 
9  ««</  ©  stik  $ 
sunny  § — § — §  in 
%&*  peas  .raw  ^ 
—  O  b  a  d  i  a  h  — 
r\a\i\n\  \  \ 
*-*_*_*JFarnharm 
— *— *  more  waz  ,-^a— % 
jy  wfi  a  flgf 
a  millerite  a 

av//j> 

a*now  w  mild*&. 
....  I  snatch  |    . . . 

C  0  0  I  -H-  0-H-0  -H- 

*$©$!?&«  lettiss 
(taw  C^a^i^n  fi&w 

#*<?r/ J  © 1 — — 

r<«»  <—  £?  — ^  hit 
>  wind  A  Able  < 
s  0  ut  hy  §  now 
K  butiful  sot  K 
:  :  weather  \  \ 
Q    h*;e::n*]s    o 

more  (C  A  Q)  Gen- 
%-%eooler\-% 
>-r~  Grant  —t~ 

w***n*<* %$W 

waz  &  «?rM  ^  a 
^*    &  f  ralw   *& 

a  O   w<tf  O  tanner 


BIRDS'  EGGS. 


It  iz  bad  enuff  to  be  a  fust  rate 
monkey,  but  to  be  a  third  rate 
one  iz  more  disastrous  than  to  be 
an  idiot. 


Thare  iz  no  sure  kure  for  lazy- 
ness,  but  i  hav  known  a  seckond 
wife  to  hurry  it  sum. 


It  iz  the  suprizes  ov  life  that 
add  most  to  our  plezzures;  one 
man  iz  suprized  with  a  legacy 
from  a  ritch  unkle,  another,  that 
the  old  spekled  hen  haz  just  cum 
off  the  nest,  with  27  chickens. 


Gamblers,  nor  infidels,  havn't 
faith  enuff  in  their  profeshions,  to 
teach  it  to  their  children. 

15 


mS 


NOW,    AINT    THIS    SO? 


cf~ash  SUCCy\fs  U-  i  t£j^cLtU**K . 


CcCLa/r,  cl  wko£e.  yhjlk,  anoC  /&*£  */c 
KuiaA\t —  (low Tgo-zto(  At  &y^yyvy  fhtfhG 

C&>SS    SO,       6W«f*>0^*H^ 

LISTEN  TO   THE  MOCKING  BURD. 

UNION     ADAMS, 

MEN'S    FURNISHING   GOODS. 


The  Largest  and  Best  Variety  in  this  Country. 

1127    BROADWAY, 

Between 25th and 26th Sts.,  NEW    YORK    CITY. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


CANCER, 


1879. 


THE  KRAB. 


A  Shell-Fish— pretty  mutch  all  shell. 


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The  Slate. 


-f-  Hottisk  %  now 
A-b-e-1  ©  — r~  V 
^    so    A    /taw    = 

*  Young  * 

rainy  <b  departed 
£?  wind  6  185 1  £? 
n  Easty  |  Abel  fi 
hotter  &  ®  died 
— itt — * — srains  — 
young  -  cooler  %  8 
©  fi  aged  %  warm 
A  l6  (!  now  /a 
thunder  -  a  -  the 
■f  lam  *  Sampson  If 
^sporteth  J:  waz~ 
(^  ¥  Utening  T  Q) 
^— a   J    strengthy— ' 

w<?r*   > <    &tf 

©man  %  Judith© 
wetty  §  Ferguson 
\  cooler  marrid  py 
P  ^^  7  warmth 
©  1846  £  now  © 
w/W  H Q--*  bild 
tuj  isW/jy  bokays  |o> 
fw/ir  •:  Columbus 
H-  it  &  r««*x  -H 
found  %  hotter  &* 
0    D    a   Amerika 


BLOSSOMS. 


Yu  kan  possibly  argy  a  man 
out  ov  hiz  religion,  but  you  kant 
out  ov  the  color  ov  hiz  nektye, 
or  the  squeeze  ov  hiz  boots. 


Luv  between  wimmin  iz  impossi- 
ble, even  friendship  iz  only  prak- 
tikabel. 


Thare  iz  nothing  so  skarse  az 
originality,  even  an  original  phool 
would  be  a  grate  relief  just  now, 


The  man  who  never  makes 
enny  blunders  iz  a  very  nice  piece 
ov  masheenery, — that's  all. 

17 


THARE   SEEMS  TO   BE  WISDUM   IN   THIS. 


mk  /dUlmj^anJL  7Jt  BhiL 


hmy*  %kv±cj  Mw,  h^  tt-k*- 

JUST  FOR   THE  FUN  OV  THE   THING. 

The  New  York  Weekly. 

PROPRIETORS: 

FRANCIS    S.    STREET. 
FRANCIS    S.    SMITH. 


THE  GREAT  STORY  PAPER  OF  THE  WORLD. 


Circulation    Over    350,000. 


18 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


1879. 


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LEO, 


THE  LION. 


Strayed  oP  Stolen. — Return  to  P.  7.  Barnum. 


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The  Slate. 


$  Grate  warmth 
the  ¥  sighns  ~~ 
-3  —  hog  ov  —  9 

panteth  (C$3 
@  -f-  ^  now  %  hotter 
dig —  □  <£  □  —  #*<?r* 
O  hotter  ft£t  for  O 
#  H  ft  K  rains 
||?  ice  HT  Bill  11 
wind  — % —  Purdy 
*#*  south  quit  %* 
mutch  — /ttv—  1822 
lit  t.h.u.n.d.e.r  IT^ 
Bill  >  O  <  hottish 
had 


litening*\ 
fll^-y^-the  heart 
y  *7  *  rains  y 
^-3  ailment -D^t 
George  ] . :  •  • :  * . :  •  j 
©  #*0r*  $  ra/V*  © 
1  • :  •" :  *  Washington 
V3  windy  m  fit  \3 

cooler  M'p* '  into 

22  S  8  bright  3  £  3 
the  !§i  tf{  revolushun 
frvery  *o  0  nozv& 
—  (Q hot  keep  3  — 
litening   *•***   000/ 


RAINBOWS. 


I  never  tri  to  settle  other  peo- 
ples quarrells,  i  hav  seen  men  tri 
to  do  this,  and  git  badly  whipt  bi 
both  partys. 


Hunting  for  happiness  iz  like 
hunting  for  hen's  eggs  away  under 
the  barn,  after  yu  hav  fonnd 
them,  hafF  the  time  yu  find  they 
are  addled. 


Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  in  this 
world  who  say  they  haint  got 
enny  faith  in  a  heaven  or  hell, 
and  yet  they  hav  got  faith  enuff 
to  invest  their  last  dollar  in  a 
lottery  ticket,  or  a  bottle  ov  quak 
medisin. 


I  kno  ov  men  whoze  word  iz 
better  than  their  bond,  these  are 
the  knight  errants  ov  honesty. 


19 


BUTIFULL,    BUT    FRAIL. 


dfos  A    BlO^nj  s,  amd  /^  Ji^n*- 


^Acurt  iz.  z.  Thuyics  In  7/us  yfor^d. 
fyur  which   rvz  cure  Yuuvtrt-  /hd/u 


HERE    WE  PITCH  OUR   TENT. 


THE  WORLD'S  CHAMPION  SAFES. 

(Established    1841,  J 


Fire-Tried. 


Time-ProTen. 


Received    International    Exhibition    Awards — London,    Paris, 
New  York,  and   Philadelphia. 


HERRING  &  CO.,  251  &  252  Broadway,  New  York. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST, 


1879. 


VIRGO, 


THE  VIRGIN, 


Sweet  1 6  {sub  rosa  38). 


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The  Slate. 


%*  Big  Sam  \& 
shower  **■%-*  Loyd 
(Qheaty  7TL  born3 
mutch  — n —  wet 
X  1820  ©  now  K 
wind  **  A  k  hive 
8  sou  *  east  *  flg|p* 
bees  %  h-o-n-e-s-t-y 
#•  JWtfr*  ^  hot  -X- 

iz  O  the 

thund  r  %  A  %  best 
0  tf«^  P  policy  0 
litening&  &  Moses 
(Q  fetfmf  □  and  Q) 
l-i-g.h-t  %  A-a-r-o-n 
^  &zr</  £  were  # 
shower  &X0*  near 
1^,  «<?«/  -  nabors^ 
#*£c  ^  3  =  £ra/* 
K-  juleps  a?  heat  -H 
K„a+t#e  &  w*V 
J  Davis  J  kloudy  # 
died  °  windy  □  ^  n 
©TIE.  1849  0  Robert 
*  Ajf  *  Burns  * 
0  &  /*0*  fgt  waz 
*w<w  J  a  *o  ^  I  — 
.\'co\o.'l\err\\ 
-  n  -ploughman  -  n  - 
©  G#  •  rains  O  © 


DRIPLETS. 


Mules  are  like  sum  men,  after 
yu  hav  studdid  their  karakter  for 
5  years  cluss,  the  best  thing  yu 
kan  do,  iz  to  git  an  average  on 
them. 

Thare  aint  nothing  so  cheap 
az  bad  spellin,  and  if  it  iz  sutch 
an  element  of  suckcess  az  sum 
shrewd  kriticks  hav  diskovered, 
they  owe  it  to  their  airs,  and 
assines,  to  adopt  it  at  once,  and 
bekum  ritch  and  famus. 


No  man  haz  ever  yet  bekum 
so  wize  az  to  kno  how  mutch  he 
luvs  himself,  and  how  little  hiz 
nabor. 

It  iz  quite  common  to  meet 
people  who  hav  more  religion, 
and  even  morality,  than  they  hav 
common  sense. 


21 


LOOK  OUT  FOR  THE  ENGINE  WHEN  THE 
BELL  RINGS. 


vht  >naA\  yvko  SWzvUoiAstcl  7%jl Just oysfer; 
br(jyy\  /nA  nalP  skibCi  mAxst/icw  6-ejuy^ 

WE    WILL    SEE    YU  LATER. 

Astor  House  Bottjnda. 

OYSTERS    RAW, 

OYSTERS    FRIED, 

OYSTERS    on  the  HALF    SHELL, 

OYSTERS    IN    EVERY    STYLE. 


Astor  House  Oyster  Counter, 

BROADWAY,    NEW    YORK. 
G.  K.  LANSING,  Manager.      ALLEN  &  BAM,  Proprietors. 

22 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1879. 


LIBRA, 


THE  SKALES. 


For  full  particulars  enquire  ov  E.  &*  T.  Fairbanks  6*  Co, 


®     © 


The  Slate. 


ZZ  Cool  *  now  6 
and  %  pik  X  3 
0  kloudy  (I)  geese  O 
Dave  -8  x  %•  rainy 
&t  Pettibone  ^ 
w-i-n-d  m-a-r-r-i-d 
$  oc  noth  he  12  = 
East  g  *&  g)  marrid 
#*0r*  qq  for^r— ' 
»-i —  wetty  n  luv 
3  now  3  cooler  0 
chew  X  WF*  X  more 
A  apples  *  cooler  A 

Solaman 

j$l  12  S  j/f£V&/  §  had 
mutch  ¥  /rw/  ty 
E  S  wives  $  »<?«/ 
— windy  ©  the — 
war  my  $  litening 
0  <w/  £  bug  O 
nights  3>fl3j^""<I>  puts 

—  |  «//W  *[[  in  |  — 

southy  : :  an 

^b  K>  more  <3  fck 
-a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- 
wet/ul  -  Gen.-*-  3 
p  windy  X  Jackson 
wet  *  would  is  & 

—  O  (Rswareflj  0 — 


HOT  STUFF. 


Yung  man  studdy  politeness, 
even  if  yu  ask  a  man  for  hiz 
tooth  pik,  after  he  haz  got  dun 
using  it,  dont  fale  to  thank  him 
politely  for  it. 


Lasting  friendships  kan  only 
exist  between  equals,  superiority 
insists  upon  respekt,  and  inferi- 
ority iz  too  often  apt  to  excite 
pitty. 

If  yu  want  to  find  out  a  man's 
tru  karakter  examin  him  at  home 
bi  the  fire  side,  here  he  iz  the 
hero  ov  the  ockashun,  and  iz 
angelick,  or  devlish,  in  spite  ov 
himself. 


Thare  aint  no  sutch  things  az 
invenshunS)  all  things  that  we  hav 
are  diskoverys. 

*3 


MI  FRIEND,  WHAT  DO  YU  THINK  OV  THIS? 


GENTLY  WE  PRESENT  OUR   CLAIMS. 


wm^i 


PAL0- 


Mi 


HATT  ERS 

174   FIFTH   AVENUE,  169   BROADWAY 

'        AND 

Bet.  22d  and  231  St.,  Hear  Courtlandt  St., 

NEW      YORK. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


SCORPIO, 


1879. 


THE  SKORPION. 


When  the  pinch  comes,  he  is  thar. 


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The  Slate. 


1§  Frost ly  -  now 
winde  6  ask  □  \3 
rt£,  sharp  X\  for 
Jake  "I  sum  jy 
~* —  -Tanner-  **~*— * 
nu  J  died  J  s-i  d-e-r 
£•=  cool  y  Jake  ^ 

wind  -* *-    waz 

(C  northy  A  hit  Q) 
sharp  O  0  * 
^T    If    by  m  /r  arf 

Ijr  a  &  /«*  jy 

(T  muel  0  »ff ^  3 
— B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t — 
hold  4  0  &  waz 
St§t§  W*  §+§|§ 

ov  S  ■ S  tf*** 

^frenchta 
— 1 —  falling  — . — 
JQ  p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s  3 
now— H-—3—  © 
*— C\  still  §  hunt 
£<?/<&r  ft  ?  for 
-3  windy  <h  §  *o 
$  0  chesnutts  « 
fly  £  E-v-eY.jgFfl) 
&"*  f  §  iti  I  X  T 
>  &?/</  A  died  < 
;.:.;::.:«;Early* 


#7ZZ>  FLOWERS. 


Virtew  iz  the  only  standard  to 
mezzure  men,  or  things  by,  it  iz 
possible  to  be  grate,  and  devlish 
at  the  same  time. 


Thare  iz  only  one  kind  ov  per- 
son who  iz  fit  to  liv  in  solitude, 
and  he  iz  the  one  who  iz  capable 
ov  adorning  enny  posishun  in 
sosiety. 


Thoze  who  hav  real  merit  are 
the  last  ones  to  see  it  in  them- 
selfs,  and  the  fust  ones  to  see  it 
in  others. 


If  thare  ever  iz  a  perfektly 
happy  person  found  in  this 
world,  it  will  be  the  one  who  haz 
got  but  little,  and  dont  want 
enny  thing  more. 


25 


&N 


ONE    DOLLAR    FOR    THE    FUST    INSERSHUN;   FOR    EACH 
SUBSEQUENT    ONE,    50    CENTS. 


THE  LATCH-STRING  HANGS  OUTSIDE  THE  DOOR. 


Glen   House, 


WHITE    MOUNTAINS,   N.    H. 


W.   &    C.   R.    MILLIKEN,    PROPRIETORS. 


THE  SWITZERLAND  OF  AMERICA. 


House  Open  from  June  to  October. 


TABLE  UNEQUALLED.    APPOINTMENTS  UNSURPASSED. 

N.B. No    Malaria.      No    Mosquitoes. 

_ 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1879. 


SAGITTARIUS, 


THE  ARCHER. 


Sarching  for  the  Butts  Eye. 


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7^  *S7tf/*. 


*  £*///>>  *  the 
windful  X  snake 
ft  now  A  seeks  /a 
puntch  hiz 

5  y?r*r  V3  den  0 
Fred  fl>  n  kolder 
<5  Smith  g  it  3  ¥ 

$  rains  ££  waz  "U 
ft  Tit  snowy  ^  a3 
«<?w  <I> — « — <I>  Stage 

6  pay  "HE.  driver  tf 
taxes  ^D  I  Fred 
Q   now  $  drove  ^ 

/ay  O  □  O  from 
pew  Belchertown  l\\ 
J^*  rent  X  into 
now  *  Boston  2  $ 

&    f*K/     itl     »V     & 

M*  D  ©  n  grows 
ft  diskonsolate  ft 
raw  -d  ^  the 
©  «/*«</  Siamese  3 
///?!  m  twins  5^" 
-8  **0r*  A  hav  Q 
.mow  ^  departed 
D  our  ^  rainy  a 
fourfathers  jfr  ^<zr</ 
3  hav  ±  /rw/  0 
gone    0    9    alass  ! 


FALLING  LEAVES. 


Lasting  reputashuns  are  ov  a 
slo  growth,  the  man  who  wakes 
up  famus  sum  morning,  iz  very 
apt  to  go  to  bed  sum  night  and 
sleep  it  all  off. 


Man  waz  kreated  a  little  lower 
than  the  angells,  and  he  haz  been 
a  gitting  a  little  lower  ever  since. 


A  man  with  a  very  small  hed 
on  him  iz  like  a  pin  without 
enny,  very  apt  to  git  into  things 
beyond  hiz  depth. 


I  hav  seen  folks  who  i  thought 
had  too  mutch  propriety,  it  would 
be  a  relief  to  see  them  do  sum- 
thing  just  a  little  phoolish,  once 
in  a  while. 

27 


DANGER. 


•aUk  Us  cure  u.k^St^yy^yyvi/^Kl  \&ry 

~fhn/M  ft?  v<  GOTToi.  }nuA$  /cry-  6 
yrwnTAs.ju.itfoG/'ta.  eoooL&&&n<x. 


OUR   MOTTO  IS  "SEMPER  RARATUS." 


JOHN  OSBORN,  SON  &  CO. 


See   what   PROFESSOR   VON  LIEBIG   says   about 

"  PIPER-HEIDSIECK." 

"As  a  Restorative;  as  a  means  of  refreshment  where  the  powers  of 
life  are  exhausted  ;  of  giving  animation  and  energy  where  man  has  to  struggle 
with  days  of  trial  and  sorrow ;  as  a  means  of  correction  and  compensation 
where  misproportion  occurs  in  nutrition,  and  as  a  protection  against  transient 
organic  disturbance,  Piper-Heidsieck  is  surpassed  by  no  product  of  nature 
or  of  art." 

What  is  Christmas  &  New  Year  without  "PIPER-HEIDSIECK?" 


FOR    SALE    EVERYWHERE. 


28 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1879. 


CAPRICORNUS, 


THE   GOAT. 


A  strong  Butter  {I  don't  like  strong  butter). 


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The  Slate. 


$  Bitter  fi  now 
k.o~l-d  *.  '£%  *!  ^ 
•H-  it   rfc   snows  £? 

&?~  n  down  n  «^3 

esskolder  3 $ 

(©  before  O  now^ 
the  £  — »— >  8  dfrfat 
£  kitchen  ¥  A*  * 
•rf*/^*§  a  »  T  fire 
TTJ2.  wor*  6  now  !? 

j«<tw  O  **■  Q)  krak 

$  high  %  wallnuts  $ 
winds  $  C  $  now 
0  fc^  -H-  post  0 
-a-  £  s-t-o-r-m  "#  rfc 
, — *-§  Books  §-> — N 
j/«(y  ©i^t®  now 
>  #*0r<?  rti  read  < 
—  £?  stormy  ZZ  — 
A§l§l§m§i§n§a§x 
Q  now  it  thaws  0 
sing  U  holder  ©  =£= 
?V.t^  psalms  f  now 
¥  .r»0W  TTK  Eat  $ 
3  S  E  2  pork 
9  /**/  n  fl«^  TIJI 
3  d-e-e-p  -ISO 
ty    3    -K-  ^a«j   0 

Good    Bye 

|y  X  Boys  S  £^~ 
Yours,  ff¥i§  J.  B. 


/vfG  ^MOS*. 


The  world  all  praze  the  philoso- 
phers, but  toss  their  pennys  into 
the  caps  ov  the  monkeys. 


It  iz  allwus  safe  to  follow  the 
religious  beleaf  that  our  Mother 
taught  us, — thare  never  waz  a 
Mother  yet,  who  taught  her  child 
to  be  an  infidel. 


Employment  iz  the  grate  boon 
ov  life,  a  man  with  nothing  to  do, 
iz  not  haff  so  interesting,  az  a 
ripening  turnip. 


Sarkasm  iz  a  keen  weapon,  but 
in  handling  it,  menny  people  take 
holt  ov  the  blade,  insted  of  the 
handle. 


29 


"  THE  WICKED  PLEA,  WHEN  NO  MAN  PURSUETH." 


PLEAZE  CALL  AT  YURE  EARLIEST  CONVENIENCE. 


Silver-Plated  Ware, 


MANUPACTUBED   BY   THE 


MERIDEN  BRITANNIA  COMPANY, 

No.  46   East  Fourteenth  Street, 

UNION  SQUARE,  NEW  YORK. 


First  Premiums  Awarded  at  all  Fairs  where  exhibited,  from  World's 
Fair,  1853,  to  American  Institute  Fairs,  1873,  1874,  and  1875,  inclusive; 
and  at  Philadelphia  Centennial  Exhibition,   1876. 


30 


I  ASSB8 


&\ 


\ 


for-    Stsh^-^lfry-^^a^tf^s.^ 

ESTABLISHED   1848. 


E,  S.  Johnson  &  Co's  Gold  Pens  and  Holders 

ARE    THE   BEST   IN   USE. 


Each    Pen    "Warranted    for    IFive    Years. 


No.  7  Pen  and  Holder,  for  desk  use,  83.50. 
No.  5  Pen  and  Pencil  Case,  pocket  use,  S3. 00. 

Sent  by  mail  on  receipt  of  price. 

44  NASSAU  ST.,  NEW  YORK. 


P.  S. — I  am  using  one  ov  the  abuv  named  Pens,   and  kan 
reckomend  them  to  enny  mant  anxious  to  write  the  truth. 
Yures,  solid  for  90  dags, 

JOSH  BILLINGS. 


/AsO    £*   yvwcy*-  £«€-€_   Arista    /Ajl.  WvcsJ 


THE   MILD   POWER  CURES  ! 
Humphreys'  Homeopathic  Specifics 

Been  in  general  use  for  20  years.  Everywhere  proved  the  most  Safe, 
Simple,  Economical  and  Efficient  Medicines  known.  They  are  just 
what  the  people  want,  saving  time,  money,  sickness,  and  suffering. 

Every  single  Specific  the  well-tried  prescription  of  an  eminent  phy- 
sician.   For  sale  by  druggists  generally. 

Dr.  Humphreys'  Book  on  Treatment  and  Cure  of  Disease  (144  pp.) 
also  Illustrated  Catalogue,  sent  free  on  application  to 

Humphreys'  Homeopathic  Medicine  Co,, 

109  FULTON  ST.,  N.  Y. 


D 


CARHART,  WHITFORD  &  CO., 

Nos.  4,18,  4,20  and  4,22  BROADWAY, 
NEW  YORK. 


Manufacture  Men's   and   (Boys'   CLOTHING 

of  every  grade,  and  adapted  to 

every   climate. 


The  largest  Stock  in  the  United  States,  and  always  fully  assorted. 


20 


TO.   &  JOHN   O'BRIEN, 


BANKERS   AND    BROKERS, 


No.    58    WALL,    STREET. 


STOCKS  BOUGHT  AND  SOLD  ON  COMMISSION. 
LOANS   NEGOTIATED. 


21 


\lprnfztty  00000 


JAMES  M.  SHAW  &  CO., 

25  Duane  and  78  Chatham  Streets,  New  York. 


Cop  eland's  celebrated  Ivory  (Dinner  Ware, 
Wedgewood's  far=famed  Majolica, 

(Belleek  Mother  of  (Pearl  China, 
The  (Royal  Worcester  (Porcelain  Co's  China, 

English  and  Continental  Works  of  Art. 


Supplies  of  above  constantly  arriving. 


22 


c^-^y7    Ho     <?l   Jt-^losv-    euri^r  A^&i^&t 


^ 


SO 


LU 


C2^^i^v 


■fr»*> 


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Oy\^   ea-iz-*^>    tf-jr-z)  c    .^r 


-y 


J>y  fo-7~L  %     o&5"X   AuU^p  r 


J.  O.  WHITEHOUSE, 

MANUFACTURER    OF 

Men's,  Boys',  Women's  and  Misses7 

BOOTS  &  SHOES, 

No.  22  W-ARREN"  ST., 

Factory,  Po'keepsie,  J7.  Y.  MEW  YOfcK. 


23 


A^  "-#*   fot~  (fos  A /&£&*. fr 


IRY  THE  NEW 


CIGARETTES 
and    TOBACCO. 


"  STRAIGHT  "—Rare  Old  Virginia. 


"  HALVES  "—Rare  Old  Perique  and  Virginia. 


New  Combination  of  these  Fragrant  Tobaccos. 


26 


£A~ 


pre  re?-v<-  ^    g cr-v-z?<~  cc\<yy-^^€^  •=- 


The  most  extensive  manufac- 

turers of 

f                       cap 

EDWARD  MILLER, 

Itlttard  fables, 

^p          7 

No.  4:  Astor  Place, 

IN-    THE    WORLD. 

THE 

NEAR  BROADWAY, 

J.  M.  Brunswick  k  Balke  Co. 

CHICAGO, 

NEW    YORK. 

CINCINNATI, 

ST.   LOUIS,    AND 

HATTER. 

724  BROADWAY,  NEW  YORK. 

27 


JOHN  WEBB,  Prop'r. 


JAPHET  P.  MAXWELL,  Manager. 


Urange   fanig  warding  and  JitJCrg    Statics, 
78th  Street  and  4th  Ave., 

NEAR  DEPOT  OF  NEW  TOEK  ELEVATED  RAILROAD. 


Elegant  Carriages  and  careful  drivers. 


Especial  care  given  to  Gentlemen's  Koad,  Carriage,  and  Saddle  Horses. 


28 


STEINWAY    &    SONS, 

MANUFACTURERS   OF 

GRAND,    SQUARE,    and   UPRIGHT 

PIANO  -  FORTES. 

WAEEEOOMS : 

STEINWAY  HALL,  Nos.   109  and   111   E    14th  St., 
NEW  YORK. 


29 


fes 


ROYAL  POWDER 

Absolutely  Pure. 

Absolutely  pure — made  from  Grape  Cream  of  Tartar,  imported  ex- 
clusively for  this  Powder  from  the  Wine  district  of  France.  Always 
uniform  and  wholesome.  Sold  only  in  cans.  A  pound  can  mailed  to 
any  address  on  receipt  of  60  cents. 

ROYAL  BAKING  POWDER  CO.,  171  Duane  St.,  New  York. 

Most  cheap  powders  contain  alum;  avoid  them,  especially  when 
offered  loose  or  in  bulk. 


30 


The  Only  Grand 

Prize  for 

Sewing  Machines,   at 

the 

Exposition    Universel 

e,    Paris, 

1878,   was    awarded, 

over 

80  competitors,  to 

WHEELER  &  WILSON  M'PG  CO., 

44  E    14th 

STREET, 

(Union  Square,) 

NEW  YORK, 

And    BRIDGEPORT, 

Conn. 

31 


Ska*  /cy^a^sv^  <rrK&uy.  soy&fo^-fj 
fiat  ytfipi*  7%*y  yy^f  ^t  * 

a/ah?,  twsAfyu<Uvtc% 


ROSSMORE    HOTEL, 

NEW  YORK    CITY. 

Broadway,    4rlst    and   4:2d    Streets. 


One  block  from  Metropolitan  Elevated  Railroad,  and  three  blocks  from 
Grand  Central  Depot. 


HAWLEY  D.  CLAPP  &  SON,  Proprietors. 
AMERICAN    AND    EUROPEAN    PLAN. 


32 


(7Aa^<  <ryt&y  Qow*.  ^  Z^U^f  P^j^ 


WORK,    STRONG    &    CO. 


36     BROAD     STREET, 


NEW   YORK. 


33 


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S~t  S    <yyt  /AajLoe  h*j 


QvCf^tsf  yu<-  ~tsr-v»  <?C^   >w  /%  a-    cOu*.  ka*sKs 

7h,  ^oskei^  ^f^Ajrf,,  j&%&8,V, 


YOUMANS' 

HATS, 

719    BROADWAY, 

New    York    Hotel. 

1105    BROADWAY, 

Albemarle    Hotel. 


34 


/L4ASVA- 


i/t&^C 


OUR  RYE  AND  ROCK  CANDY 

la    composed   only  of  BUMG-ARDNER'S    Virginia    Mountain   Rye 
Whiskey  and  finest  string  Rock  Candy; 

$1  per  Bottle,  $4  per  Gallon.    Full  discount  to  the  trade. 

Sole  Agbnts  for  the 

PLEASANT  VALLEY  WINE   CO., 

Hammondsport,  Steuben  Co.,  N.  Y. 

H.  B.  KIRK  &  CO.,  69  FULTON  ST.,  and  709  BROADWAY,  N.  Y. 
ESTABLISHED    1853. 


35 


Hte"  ' 


y  Aa>v  S<^c^x.  yyi~esi*~*  Co-zt.sC  a.'  ^^..6'C^c 

°° '  a,  Ut^  l/fak7l  fab  /Qd&i.y, 

CASWELL,   HAZARD   &   CO., 

OF    NEW    YORK    CITY. 

Established  1780. 

Under   Fifth    Avenue    Hotel. 


THE  BEST  COLOGNE  IN  THE  WORLD. 


38 


&Z     7^o      4ArCy*j     /TtMU^     A^^C 
O^Con^  &  9-Ctz.T-csi^  /firr-y^Lc  (feJk*sJit4**l 


A.  T.  DEMAREST  &  CO., 

MANUFACTURERS  OP 

FINE 

CARRIAGES. 

Established    i860. 


WAREROOMS: 

628  BROADWAY, 

NEW  YORK. 


THE 

MASON  k  HAMLIN  ORGAN  CO. 

offer  the  largest  assortment  of  the  BEST 
and  CHEAPEST  Cabinet  or  Parlor 
Organs  in  the  world :  winners  of 
HIGHEST  HONORS  at  EVERY 
WORLD'S  EXPOSITION  for  TWELVE 
YEARS.  Only  American  Organs  award- 
ed such  at  any.  TWO  HIGHEST 
MEDALS  at  PARIS  EXPOSITION, 
1878.  One  to  Twenty-one  Stops  : 
prices,  $54,  $66,  $78,  $84,  $90.  $99,  $105, 
$108,  $114,  $120,  $125,  $130,  $135,  $140, 
$144,  $150,  and  upward.  Sold  also  for 
Easy  payments.  Prices  are  not  much 
higher  than  those  of  very  inferior  organs. 
Before  purchasing  he  sure  to  send  for 
latest  CATALOGUE  with  newest  styles 
and  lowest  net  prices.    Sent  free. 

154  Tremont  Street,  Boston  :  46  East 
14th  St.,  (Union  Square)  NEW  YORK  ; 
250  Wabash  Ave.,  CHICAGO. 


39 


BIZNESS    KARDS. 


PLEZE    T^lKE    OISTE. 


CONTINENTAL    (FIRE)    INS.    CO.    of  New   York. 
Office,  100  and  102  Broadway. 

See  page  6,  Alminax  for  1879. 

JOHN    OSBORN    SON    &    CO., 

"  Piper-Heidsieck," 
New  York  and  Montreal. 

N.  B.— See  page  28,  Almanack  1879. 

HERRING'S    PATENT    CHAMPION    SAFES. 
251  Broadway,  New  York. 

See  page  20,  Almanack  1879. 

TARRANT'S    SELTZER   APERIENT. 

The  People's  Remedy. 

See  Page  10,  Almanac  1879. 

LELAND'S  STURTEVANT  HOUSE, 

Broadway  and  29th  St.,  New  York, 
American  and  European  Plan. 

See  page  14,  Almanac  1879. 

J.    &    J.    SLATER, 

Fine  Shoes, 
1185  Broadway,  corner  28th  St., 

See  advertisement,  page  12,  Almanac  1879 

THE    NEW   YORK    WEEKLY. 

Francis  S.  Street,    |    t>-««i-**>— 
Francis  S.  Smith,      \  Proprietors. 

See  page  18,  Allminack  for  1879. 

GLEN    HOUSE,    WHITE    MOUNTAINS. 
W.  &  C.  R.  Milliken,  Proprietors. 

See  Page  26,  Alminax  for  1879. 

ASTOR    HOUSE    ROTUNDA. 

Broadway,  New  York. 
G.  K.  Lansing,  Manager.  Allen  &  Dam,  Proprietors. 

See  page  22,  Almanax  for  1879. 

BEST    PIANO-FORTE    MADE    IN    THE    WORLD. 

If  you  refer  to  page  4,  Almanac  1879,  you  will  see  where  you  can  get  the 
Best  Piano-forte  made  in  the  world. 

PENNSYLVANIA   RAILROAD. 

Great  Trunk  Line,  and  Mail  Route  op  America. 

See  page  8,  Allminack  for  1879. 


N 

BIZZESS   KARDS. 

A 

PLEZE     T^KE     ONE. 


PARK    &    TILFORD. 

All  that  is  necessary  to  say  on  the  subject. 

JAMES   M.    SHAW    &    CO., 

25  Duane  and  78  Chatham  Streets, 
Importers  of  English  and  Continental  Decorated  China  and  Earthenware. 

See  tinted  page  22. 

MANHATTAN  CLOAK  AND  SUIT  CO.,  *e.  einstein. 

Nos.  48  &  50  White  Street,  1  J-  waxelbaum. 

E.  Einstein  &  Co,,  New  York. 

DUNLAFS    CELEBRATED    HATS. 

See  page  24,  Almanac  of  1879. 

MERIDEN    BRITANNIA    COMPANY, 
Silver  Plated  Ware, 
46  East  14th  Street,  Union  Square. 

Sec  page  30,  Almanac  of  1879. 

CASWELL,    HAZARD    &    CO., 

The  Druggists  of  New  York  City, 
Under  5th  Ave.  Hotel, 

See  advertisement  on  tinted  page  38. 

JOSEPH    N.   GAL  WAY, 

Grocer, 

Vanderbilt  Avenue  and  42d  St., 
New  York. 

BRANDRETH   HOUSE, 

Cor.  Broadway,  Canal,  and  Lispenard  Sts.,  New  York. 

Kept  on  the  European  Plan,  with  Elevator. 

Kerr  &  Slader,  Proprietors. 

UNION   ADAMS, 

Men's  Furnishing  Goods, 

1127  Broadway,  New  York. 

See  page  16,  Almanac  of  1879. 

UNION    SQUARE    HOTEL, 

Union  Square,  corner  15th  Street,  New  York. 
A.  J.  Dam  &  Son,  Proprietors. 

GOODYEAR   RUBBER    COMPANY, 

New  York,  Chicago,  Milwaukee,  St.  Louis,  San  Francisco. 


41 


J  fa  JxrtTkJ,  Ufa  fUJin*>prjX££ 
MM>*«Z   max-  JboUtL^rr 

*?**  L    Ua^    *<***-  ^W  &Ue+ 

^^  fads ,  *u.  f?*£jt  )^zr  ex 


Thurber's  Reliable  Canned  Goods. 

Great  progress  has  been  made  within  a  few  years  in  the  art  of  Preserving 
Fruits,  Vegetables,  Fish  and  Meats  in  tins,  and  in  consequence  the  consumption 
has  largely  increased.  As  yet,  however,  canned  goods  are  not  generally  thought 
to  be  "fresh,"  and  some  brands  are  not,  perhaps,  entitled  to  be  so  considered. 
Those  packed  by  us,  however,  are  Hermetically  Sealed  at  the  scources  of  supply, 
when  they  are  in  the  best  possible  condition,  by  a  process  which  preserves  the 
much-to-be-desired  fresh,  natural  flavors  ;  and  they  are  really  in  better  condition, 
fresher,  more  palatable  and  wholesome  than  many  so-called  "fresh"  articles 
which  are  exposed  for  sale  during  considerable  periods  of  time  in  city  markets. 
ALL  goods  BEARING  OUR  NAME  are  guaranteed  to  be  of  superior  quality,  and 
dealers  are  authorized  to  refund  the  purchase  price  in  any  case  where  consumers 
have  cause  for  dissatisfaction.  It  is,  therefore,  to  the  interest  of  both  dealers  and 
consumers  to  use  THURBER'S  BRANDS, 

H.  K.  &  F.  B.  THURBEB  &  CO., 

Manufacturers  of  and  Dealers  in  Food  Products,  New  York. 


42 


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43 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL   BE  ASSESSED   FOR   FAILURE  TO    RETURN 
THIS   BOOK   ON   THE   DATE   DUE.    THE   PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  50  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY    AND    TO    $1.00    ON     THE    SEVENTH     DAY 
OVERDUE. 

OCT  27  1933 

Off.    i  1933 

ftAVIS 

INT 

ERUBRARY  LOAN 

ll^l  1 

1ft  1935 

MAR  1  7  1972 

DEC 

24^*'^ 

1AN2 

LD  21-100m-7,'33 

&£&:. 

778968 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

